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Married v common law

Posted: Feb 24, 2014

I am just wondering, kinda want input here, perspectives or views... I recently met a couple, new to our neighborhood. The woman has 2 grown kids from her first marriage and 2 grandchildren. The man has no biological children, but loves her grandchildren very much, it is very obvious. They seem to be normal, hard-working folks, have a very nice house and nice cars, travel a lot... They have been together for 22 years and are not "legally married".

I have been married for 8 years, legally married, on paper. This is my husband's second marriage. We have a blended family. I married for love and to protect my rights as a survivor in the event of accident or tragedy. And, just because it's what people do!

I had to ask her (nosy, yes...) and she said "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". But I wonder, what reason could they possibly have for just not taking that final step?? Any ideas?

;

We are and have our reasons. You are being rude and nosy and it's - none of your business at all. nm

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nm

Could be both draw social security and if - married would possibly be cut

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Justfirst thought that came to mind.

Common Law - greyhoundmom

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My brother-in-law and his girlfriend were living together for many years. They didn't get married because she was married previously (her first husband died) and she would lose a pension that her first husband had.

Reason for not marrying - LinK

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I have friends who have to children 5 and 2. They've been together for about six years. They are engaged because she wanted a ring, but they have no plans to get married. Their reasoning, she makes more than he does, she holds the mortgage on the house. He takes the two children as dependents and he gets back $10,000 in taxes every year. He doesn't want to lose that by getting married. It's their right to do what they want. If they don't want to get married, it's none of my business.

Why on Earth - xx

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would you think it is any of your business? It was very rude of you to ask her.

Let it go. It's not your concern.

Maybe they are actually married - Where is Nick?

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There are 9 states and the District of Columbia which recognize common law marriages, and those appear to be recognized as valid by other states.

So it would seem that your judgemental assumption that a piece of paper is required may be the problem, not them.

There are innumerable reasons for them doing this, ranging from one party having an impediment to marriage, to them just growing up in families where this was the norm, to an inheritance disappearing if one of them marries, to them just feeling like it worked for them.

Maybe they are Russian spies, hmm? Nah, more likely he's on the lam for murdering the last nosey parker who pried into their business.

Nick's right here - Nick

[ In Reply To ..]
taking a break from studying Con Law and being amazed at the nerve of some folks. Truly, some people have more guts than the slaughterhouse. As to the legality of everything, here is what little, (very little) I know: Common law marriage is not legal in the State of Illinois. (My home state, in case the couple is living in Chicago or its environs.) There may be all kinds of reasons for the couple not marrying, ranging from pension benefits to personal belief systems, to, if they are Catholic, impediments set forth by Roman Catholic canon law. In any event, methinks it is no one's business but theirs. One of my own nosy neighbors once rushed over to tell me (right after I moved in) that the couple down the way were living together without benefit of wedlock and "were sleeping together!" (She declared this sort of triumphantly.) I replied, "As long as they aren't trying to sleep with me, it's not my business and I really don't care what they do." Geez, Louise.

Any ideas? Sure, here is an idea.. s/m - justme2

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That was their final step, and they took it already. Your personal declaration of what "the final step" is doesn't mean diddly.

I, like you, Kaykay, am a busybody.... - but the only people I voice these

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questions/opinions to is my husband. The best way to garner information that is not really any of your business is simply observation. Get to know them and you will have your answer. Unfortunately for you, you have declared yourself as nosy, so you may not have the opportunity to find out.

One or both of them doesn't want to marry. - IMANMT2

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I was chatting with a girl while I was paying my insurannce premium and we got to talking and I mentioned 8 years of marriage for alimony and 10 to draw his social security (even after divorce - it's surprising how many women don't know this, I stumbled upon it quite by chance and after-the-fact, myself). I've mentioned this to single woman trying to survive on their SS after divorce and they look into it. Well, this girl told me her boyfriend told her he didn't want to marry her but he'd stay with her forever. If every woman had a nickel..... :D

Their marital status may or may not be what he or she wants, but probably it's nice enough to not rock the boat.

It's supposedly out-of-fashion to get married, now, and ironically the one group of people pairing up have been fighting for the right/benefit when the chosen ones seem to be shunning it.

Perhaps nowadays when not too much is permanent, it isn't until death do us part (luckily for some of us) after all and a lot of people don't see the need for their personal situation. I also think that for at least one-half of these couples, they probably have their eye out for something better and don't want to be tied down when it comes along and/or fear the cost of a divorce - since for some couples that is their best reason to stay together - can't afford to divvy up the property, real or otherwise.

I know of one couple, the woman had a brain tumor, changed her personality but she needs his medical insurance so he won't leave her, won't go home unless he has to but won't divorce her, either.

Could me many reasons - See msg

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I know, kinda boggles my mind why people are freaked about a piece of paper. If they can't commit, they shouldn't make believe.

That being said, there is a growing trend in "oldsters" living together for purposes of drawing 2 Social Security checks. The rule is, the higher $$ amount Social Security stays, the lower amount goes. Getting married would leave them with only 1 SS check.

I think you had no business asking them flat out. I did find that once someone gets to know me better, they will just come out with it. From there, I might say "Oh, the Social Security thing" or something like that, then let them decide if they want to explain.

You are too nosy - bananabread

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I don't really think your neighbor's marital status is any of your business. Society has too many rules and regulations. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and have no plans on getting married. We live together and split in the bills in half. I have my bank account, he has his. It works wonderfully for us and we don't want to change it. I would hate for my neighbor to stick their nose in my business....because it's my business!

This could be me! - Ana G.

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Whatever they're reasons are, 22 years is something to applaud! Today marriages and relationships are like disposable lighters. People get involved too quickly, make huge messes, kids and debt and then move on to the next.

My partner and I have been together for 18 years, are not married, do not draw any type of benefits. We have separate and joint accounts, own a house in both our names, have wills and I just don't see how we are set apart from those who are "legally" married.

You said you did it to protect yourself, but to protect yourself implies insecurity, and if there is ever a question in your mind, the "legal" aspect of your union will not be the final determining factor. It's all about how smart you are about your future.

My partner and I (my husband), had a plan, wrote it down, got with a lawyer and BAM! We're comfortable with the way we live. I also have kids from my previous marriage (12 years...) and hubs is their "father" and "papa" in every sense of the word.

Let it go Kaykay. Like why the dinosaurs disappeared abruptly, some things in this life are not for us to understand!

My perspective - hermit harriett

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First thing that struck odd to me that you wrote is "They *seem* to be *normal* hard-working folks". You know, that's just plain creepy. What do you mean by "seem" or "normal". Maybe for other people your personal life is not normal to them.

Why you also had to write "legally married" after you wrote you were married for 8 years. Married is married. You're either married or your not. Also why you wrote you married to "protect your rights as a survivor in the event of accident or tragedy". That's kind of creepy too (at least to me). I thought you said you married for love. Giving the other excuse as to why you married kind of takes away from trying to convince people you married for love. Why not just say you loved your husband and keep the other thing to yourself. Still don't know why you wrote to protect your rights. I've never heard anyone say that.

Then you wrote "And, just because it's what people do!" Okay, now that's just plain freaky to me. "just because it's what people do"? (wait, I forgot the exclamation mark. LOL Where do you live? In whoville or Stepford? LOL. And do people in your town get married and become Avon ladies and go to PTA meetings while they sing Harper Valley PTA? LOL

You do know this is the year 2014 don't you? There could be a ka-zillion reasons why people don't marry or do marry. I myself eloped after knowing my husband for a month (this year we have our 38th anniversary, but it's not a piece of paper that has kept us together. My mom and her husband lived together for nearly 10 years before they married. My dad and his girlfriend live together and have no plans to marry. They've been together for nearly 20 years and I would never dream of asking them why they don't marry. Just none of my business.

I'm sorry, but you remind me of our nosy neighbor up the street. He likes to come and gossip about all our neighbors if he sees us outside. My husband and I both agree he's telling us too much information about everyone else (information we don't want to know), and we can be assured that if he talks about them to us, he's talking about us to them and that is just plain freaky/disturbing.

P.S. - The last statement you made also is disturbing is talking about it being "the final step". To me the final step is what Thelma and Louise did. LOL

I hope you took this message in good humor as I tried to make it into that cos I hate to think by your message that you are as disturbing as your message appears to be. I'm sure you are a very nice person, but please I plaud you to please not be so nosy. It's the easiest way to make enemies and it will have all your neighbors turning away not wanting to talk to you for fear you will spread gossip about them. I also think your ideas of what normal are is just plain....well freaky. LOL

I forgot to add - hermit harriett

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I don't like anybody prying into my personal life wondering what we are doing and then turning it around and measuring it against their pre-conceived standards of living as to what they think is "normal". We had a family member do this and we have not talked to them since and we moved away from them. Our lives, our business. It's just wrong for people to snoop into other people's business. If people feel they are nosy, it's time for them to be un-nosy and worry about their own lives.

Kaykay - Nick

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Sure, I have an idea. Mind your own business. If you have this much extra time, volunteer at Head Start or a homeless shelter. What your neighbors do is NOYB.

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