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Thought I was getting married. Now not so sure.
Posted: Aug 1, 2012
Been dating this guy 7 months. Everything going great until recently when he told me a couple "white lies." These were very insignificant, but still lies. Let it go. I complained to him that after about 5 months, the honeymoon was over. We do not "date" anymore, even though we can both afford it. I don't want to sound needy, but everything else seems to come before me, and we started spending less and less time together. We discussed "pre-marital counseling" and he refused. After not seeing him for a couple weeks, except to run errands for him, I said let's take a break for a couple weeks. We sent texts the first week. The second week I went on vacation with my family, and he went with his.
Before returning from our vacations, I texted him and asked if we could get together the day after we got back and talk. He said sure. Got back, called, and he had invited his family to stay for a week. I was hurt, but okay.
Long story short, I found out that he had showed all of my e-mails and texts to his friends and HIS MOTHER! These were pretty intimate and personal. I was shocked and hurt. He had never betrayed me or mistreated me before. I said it's over. Now, he is writing every day saying how can I do this to him. He is sorry. He is willing to go to the pre-marital counseling now.
Would you give him another chance?
;
No. - anon
[ In Reply To ..]The sharing of texts and e-mails is a HUGE red flag. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me.
He sounds immature and dating for 7 months is not nearly long enough. Don't settle!!!!
thought you were getting married... - recentlyoutsourced
[ In Reply To ..]What you see now is what you get 50, 75, 80 years down the road. THEY don't change. RUN...in every direction, run! You can do better!
Yes, just this once, only if he agrees.... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]to counselling and complies. Everyone deserves a second chance. However, don't be in such a hurry to get married. After the counselling you will be in a better position to evaluate if can be honest with you and whether he is the right one for you. Good luck.
Don't even consider it..... - anon
[ In Reply To ..]He is not your last chance and you will see the inside of a divorce court soon after if you do marry him. He is showing disrespect to you already of your needs, wants, desires, and he is using you to boot, to do his "errands"etc. He does not want a wife...he wants a mommy. Yeah, they all come running after they think they are losing a "good thing," but it is insincere. Move on, please. let his mommy have him. good luck to you.
P.S. The other poster was correct...seven months is WAY too soon to be even considering marriage, no matter how old you are. don't settle just because you think you won't find anybody else.
I'll put this as delicately as I can... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]NO FRICKING WAY.
That being said...
Here are the MULTIPLE red flags in your post...
- "...after about 5 months, the honeymoon was over. We do not "date" anymore, even though we can both afford it."
- "I don't want to sound needy, but everything else seems to come before me, and we started spending less and less time together."
- "We discussed "pre-marital counseling" and he refused."
- "After not seeing him for a couple weeks, except to run errands for him..." (wth??)
- Blew you off after getting back when he said you'd get together and talk.
- "...he had showed all of my e-mails and texts to his friends and HIS MOTHER!"
This guy is only sad you left because you were (1) willing to settle for the piddly affection he was giving out, and (2) he lost his personal assistant.
I have been there. Trust me, it WILL NOT get better, PARTICULARLY if you get married. Those "cute little quirks" turn into REALLY ANNOYING habits...the really bad habits get exponentially worse.
You deserve so much better. Please don't settle.
PS - I am not going to condemn you like other posters about the 7 months. Personally, I think when you know, you know - be it 3 days, 3 months, or 3 years. I think 7 months is actually a respectable amount of time in today's day and age. This guy just isn't the right guy.
Good luck, sweetie. 
true when you know that person is "the one." - old one
[ In Reply To ..]x
hmm - old one
[ In Reply To ..]I am in a situation where I have been dating the same man for almost seven years. We do not live together, we really do not "date" per se (financial reasons for both of us due to illness, unemployment etc), and there are "performance issues;" however, he has always been there for me as well as me for him. He shows me love and affection in many different ways and in the past, before his health became an issue, I was wined and dined at some of the finest restaurants in the Miami area. (On one of our first dates, he spent $120 just for lunch -- I about had a cow!). Now, when we get together, we just usually have a quiet dinner at either my place or his. Seven months is way too soon to even be thinking marriage, and yes, I might show or share emails with my significant other; however, they are usually from mutual friends, but I would never share personal or intimate details with anyone. Everyone is different and we all have our likes and dislikes. You don't say how old you are, but with the texting back and forth, you sound like you are still in at least your 20s to 30s.
Are you possibly "in love" with the idea of the white dress and big church wedding? Hey, late 50s here and I still like to watch the "wedding shows" on TLC :)
A good relationship should be built on TRUST and knowing that this person is your "best friend." Remember part of the vows -- "foresaking all others for as long as you both shall live."
So true, best friends is the key. - anon
[ In Reply To ..]I will concede that 7 months could be enough time for SOME people. This case does not sound as if it is one of them.
As the poster above said, friendship and mutual respect are the foundations of a long term and HAPPY relationship.
My daughter was in a hurry to get married and met a so-so guy and was torn about dumping him. She realized he was not "the one" and let him go. She then met a fantastic man that she is now married to and just had a beautiful little girl.
There is a "right" guy out there and you should take the time to find him.
Absolutely. And it will come out of nowhere - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I married my first husband when I was 26. I felt like I'd never get married. He was charming and funny, despite being a little rough around the edges.
Fast forward 10 years. I have a GORGEOUS son and my ex is a total deadbeat who left the country and now owes $20k in child support.
About a year after I left my ex, I reconnected with one of my best friends from college. We hit it off like we'd never been apart, but now there was this chemistry there too.
Here we are 4 years later, married for 2, he adopted my son, and I am living with my best friend. :)
It may not seem like it, but the RIGHT guy TRULY IS out there. It sounds like a bunch of BS, but honestly when you stop looking, he'll show up. :)
Marriage is hard enough with a GOOD guy. Why saddle yourself with someone who's already shown they cannot be trusted and that they don't value you??
Um, no - This guy
[ In Reply To ..]appears to be a nutcase. He has shown you his true character. Marriage won't change him. Let him go.
thought you were getting married - oldone
[ In Reply To ..]White lies, you caught him. Big lies, you haven't caught him YET. Showing your texts and e-mails, total lack of respect for you. What next? Will he regale them with your sex life? I don't know his age but he sounds extremely immature. One further note, while you are sorting this out, allow no cell phone pictures. What goes out there stays out there. S/l he might just like to show pics, too.
No one will really know when it is time to leave but you. Do you want this the rest of your life?
I don't necessarily think that this guy is a crazy or - a bad person, as do some others, but
[ In Reply To ..]marriage and family life doesn't make things easier. If it isn't working now, why get married and make it harder? A dating relationship takes work. Being married takes more work. Being married with children takes even more work than that. If you are already fighting and having problems, it's not going to get any easier to get along with added pressures. Probably best to find someone with whom you are more compatible.
Maya Angelou quote on this type of thing - anon
[ In Reply To ..]I may not have spelled her name correctly or made this quote exact, but to paraphrase...when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I hit home for me in a past relationship. She is exactly right!
I wouldn't. He has shown that he is immature - mthead
[ In Reply To ..]and has no respect for you, your feelings or your time. Personally, I would never forgive or forget his sharing of personal e-mails with friends and family. Who does that??
Another Chance - Gina
[ In Reply To ..]Only you can make that decision. Was it such a crime what he did showing your Emails or Texts? I think it may depend on the reason why he did that. Maybe he wanted advice from them or maybe he wanted to show them that he has someone who loves him. This can go either way. You can take it as a compliment or take it as an insult. It is your choice.
No, I think he's getting ready to fly the coop. - You deserve a man who TRULY loves you, not this.
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