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In need of some good advice and support please (sm)

Posted: Jan 1, 2011

I have two grandchildren who are my life. I have kept them at home since birth, they spend a lot of time with myself and my husband, spending nights during the week and weekends, taking them on trips with us, just loving every second with them. My son-in-law has now decided to join the military and they will be moving to goodness knows where. I am completely heartbroken, all I do is cry. Now when they are here we make the absolute most out of every second but when I look into their little faces my heart breaks all over again. My husband and I are my 5-year-old grandson's life, if he could move in and live with us he would. While realizing that kids are resilient I am terrified at what this is going to do to him. Yes, I will admit, I am being extremely seflish, I do not want them to leave. I do not want to go from being a huge part of their life to only being able to possibly see them once every six months or less. It is absolutely killing me inside.

Has anyone ever been through this? How have you coped? I have never been so heartbroken or crushed in my life.

Thanks so much for listening.

;

i am sorry for your sadness - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
In your post you mention your grandchildren, your husband, and your son-in-law. What about your daughter?

I appreciate your love for your grandkids, but what makes you think you and your husband are your "5-year-old grandson's life"? He has parents, yes?

You mustn't confuse your needs with the needs of your grandkids, and I hope you do not burden them emotionally with your pain.

Thank you for your post. My daughter (sm) - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
is not really sure that this is what she wants to do but she is willing to support my son-in-law. I would never, nor my husband, ever burden our grandchildren with our grief. When they are here we do not discuss what is going on, we make the absolute most of every second with them, even more than usual. They have no idea what is going on and we have no intentions of showing or telling them. How do I know that we are his life? He wants to be with us all of the time, as I said previously, if he could live with us, he would. He cries and begs to stay with us, he calls me and begs me to come and get him, that's how we know. He has been moved 9 times in his short little life and the only stability that he has ever known is here. Unfortunately my daughter and her husband have a lot of growing up to do and I know that by him entering into the military that this will help the two of them but again, the heartbreak of not seeing our precious grandkids is almost more than I can bear. My granddaughter, thankfully, has just turned 2, has not started to school and while she loves her "memaw and pappy," she is a daddy's girl and would rather be home.

It will hurt for a while, but - AARPMom

[ In Reply To ..]
you should let the parents do the best they can and do as much as possible to support them. I was in your position where my gd wanted to be with me all the time. I LOVED my time as a grandmother. Even when she was still learning to talk, she would ask her mom (my dau) to call me. I would listen for the longest time and thrown in some words every now and then while this sweet baby babbled.

So when the day came that her mom dropped her off at my home with a pillowcase half full of snugglies, clothes and a couple of books, I thought this child wouldn't have any problem adjusting to living with me. A year later at the age of 3-1/2 years old, I began taking her to play therapy with a wonderful psychologist to help her overcome the depression she was experiencing from losing her mom from her life.

It is now 5 years later. I adopted her last February. She is so totally wonderful and is really doing great. She has had a chance to say goodbye to her dad (last year) and still hopes to see her first mom again one day, but isn't waiting for it to happen. BUT, for as much as I love her and would do anything for her, I would have loved to see her stay with her mom while she grows up.

Please don't get so enmeshed with this boy that you can't show him clear boundaries, and I know how hard that is, or damage yourself. I can't imagine what would have happened to me if I lost my gd to state intervention. Try to remember that even if things are not the way you would want them, this is your daughter's child, not yours.

I wish you and your family the best.

no message - nm

[ In Reply To ..]

edited

My experience - miss 'em like crazy

[ In Reply To ..]
My first grandchild was a boy. My son and his wife lived within walking distance of my house and my DIL's mother lived 2 blocks away. There was hardly a day that went by I did not see them. My grandson and I became extremely close (even though the other grandmother babysat him from age 6 weeks when my DIL went back to work). Three years later my granddaughter was born. For some reason I could no develop that same bond with her and I don't know why, she always wanted her mom or her other grandma. When my grandson started school he called me almost everyday and asked me to come and get him at his grandmother's house. My granddaughter always wanted to stay there. She had a million kids over there and didn't seem to care so we became even closer. We did his homework together, had hot chocolate, or walked to the corner store and got an ice cream, spent hours looking around Toys-R-Us down the street from me, etc.

THEN>>>>>>>

They announced they wanted to move to Texas. I was crushed....but I could not try to stop it, it was a chance for them to buy a nice house that they could not afford in California. It broke my heart the night they left. I told them both the night they were leaving that they were moving to Texas but they would always be Cali kids. My GD was my "cali girl". That was 5-1/2 years ago. I have not gotten to see my grandson play one football game and I went to all his games and practices here. I have taken them to Puerto Vallarta on vacation with me, flown them out to spend time in the summer and this summer we are going to go back to Puerto Vallarta for two weeks. My granddaughter signs everything "Cali Girl" and my grandson says he is coming back to Cali for college...that one is questionable...he is an awsome football player and will probably be able to go to whatever college he wants to go to. I call them, we have x-box live that we set up with web cams and we talk and see each other all the time. It is not the same as having them here, but they are doing very well in Texas, they are both straight A students and for me to have tried to stop them from moving even though my heart was breaking, would have been wrong.

All I can say is get an I-phone and get them one, you can talk face to face that way. Stay in touch with them, tell them you love them every phone call and if it is meant to be they will return someday to be near you.

I was a single parent and my grandson and granddaughter give me a second chance at being a parent only this time I could spoil them rotten, keep secrets with them (my grandson was really bad about leaving his homework in his desk when he was young; we used to make these mad dashes back to the school so he could get it and not get in trouble) that was our secret. Everytime I took him back to school I reminded him he needed to put the homework and the book in his backpack when that class was over so he didn't forget it in his desk. Instead of Mom and Dad yelling at him for not bringing it home when it was too late to go get it, he got a gentle lecture from grandma with suggestions how to keep from forgetting it. It is what we do as grandparents.

Don't think for one minute that you are special, there are grandparents all over the world whose children have moved away to go on with their lives and we just need to find ways to make the time we spend with them; be it by phone, cards and letters, emails, etc. We make it the best that we can make it.

I feel your pain but you have to remember he is your grandson...not your son. It is his parents chance to do for him what you did for your daughter when she was growing up.

Yes, a similar situation... - MT Gramma

[ In Reply To ..]
My daughter had a child when she was very young. It was our first grandchild, a boy, and we grew very close in that he and his mother lived with us. She was a very good mother but he also bonded with us and we to him. At age 18, our daughter married and moved 1000 miles away. We worried so about him moving far away with such young parents. And I feel that is what you are worried about more than yourself, that he will not be happy away from gramma and grampa. I'll never forget the day they left. He was sad and we were sad. He did not want to leave, but he went with them and as it turned out in this case it worked out very well in the long run. The father had a very nice family up there who were very good to him and my daughter. She went on to have 3 more children. That grandson is now 23 years old, married and happy. The tears are flooding just writing this, but they are now happy tears. I am so proud of my daughter and son-in-law for going through tough times raising him. They raised four kids up to be healthy, happy and caring. I hope this helps you. Sometimes when there is no other choice, you have to just let go and trust that things will work out for the best over time. Call them, write to them, visit and just let them know you love them. Please keep this board posted on how things turn out. I extend warmest wishes to you, even though I do not know you, I know what you are going through.

Similar here too - DMZ

[ In Reply To ..]
Pretty much raised my granddaughter from age 3 mos to this past summer (she will be 4 in April)....my son and his wife split up, he lives here and while his wife worked, I took care of my gdd. A wonderful experience, I might add....Speed ahead to this past spring, when my ex-DIL had another baby and remarried, to move about 2-3 hours away. Withdrawal after seeing this child every day for the past 3 years .... but, my son and she, after some rough moments, worked out with a mediator a schedule of visitation so we now have her every other weekend etc and she doesn't seem the worse for wear, albeit every once in awhile she will say she wants to stay here forever. We gently remind her that her baby sister and mom would miss her....even tho we are not on good terms with the ex-DIL any longer....and that settles the matter. She is getting the best of both worlds and with the "extended" family of a stepfather, has suddenly discovered this year that she had "4 Christmases." (her mom's, here, her grandparents in NC and her stepgrandparents). So, in this case, it worked out...even though I was worried. As for the post that kids should love their parents as parents, I think that truly depends on what kind of parenting has been done. If the kids are raised by the grandparents, that is their role model...and despite good intentions, paying bills and sacrificing by working to jobs does not justify being a very small part of your kids' lives. Seen that many times. JMO.

Feel your pain. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Daughter and first grandchild lived with us for first 10 months. When she took him out of our home I couldn't sleep at night, kept listening for his breathing in the room across from mine. My daughter was young and really had no idea what to do with a baby. For his and her sake, it was great they lived with us so I could help with feedings, bathing, etc. Daughter gradually caught on and the bonding between her and her son strengtened. It tore my heart out when they moved out, but the most important thing for you to do is make it easy for the grandchild.

My grandson and I have a special and strong bond, but he and his mother are a pair to reckon with. When she finally met someone she wanted to settle down with, he was 13 and she made sure he knew he was always first in her heart and that no matter what he was always her first priority.

I could have made it hard on her when she moved out with him, but don't think that would have done any of us any good. She always made sure I saw him often, usually daily and we had plenty of overnights and extra special time to spend with him.

It may hurt you deeply to be separated from your grandchildren, but do WHATEVER you can to make it easier for the child.

You truly have my sympathy. - Nana too.

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a grandson who is my pride and joy. He will be 4 next month. We now have a 3-month-old granddaughter. I have not been able to keep the baby yet because she is still breast-feeding. The grandson was not breast-fed and has come to stay with us every other weekend since he was 6-months-old. I can't tell you the joy he has brought to our life. It hurts me when he tells his parents every weekend that he would rather be with Nana and Papa. He cries when he has to go home. They love him and he is very very well cared for. It's just that we spoil him 24/7 while he is here and obviously they can not do that. I feel that is my privilege as a grandparent. My daughter is afraid that when the baby is old enough, neither of her children will want to be with their parents on the weekends, but I am sure there will be times when she will be glad that they come here, they are loved, spoiled, and cared for - and the parents are also lucky to have that for their children and some time for themselves. So many children do not have the kind of grandparents posting here. What a shame. And I don't know what I would do without those kids. If they moved away, it would change who I am and how I currently live my life. I know exactly what you are talking about. My heart would break in a thousand pieces too. Unfortunately, when we raise our children to be intelligent, motivated, ambitious, and self-sufficient people there is always the risk of this situation. It changes your hopes and dreams for your own future. I totally sympathize with how you feel.

It is going to take a long time because a piece of your heart will be missing every day, but try to take a positive outlook in your own future and goals in your life. Be proud of your children and who your grandkids become. Always let them know you love them no matter what. I do wish you well and hope that you stay close with them, not distance, but love, sharing, holidays, and communication.

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