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Question and answer

Posted: Jun 1, 2014

My husband comes to me and makes a statement (i.e. "I'm going to take a shower now") and gets miffed that I don't "answer" him. It is a statement, not a question. If he had said "Do you need in the bathroom; if not, I am going to take a shower now," I would have answered yes or no. Is he wanting my permission? I am just not sure how to respond when he makes statements and waits on me to ......... what?

His other manner of speaking is to make the statement and then "OK" (i.e. I'm going to take a shower now, OK"). Once again adding "OK" to a statement is not particularly making this a conversation or a method of communication.

This goes on at least a hundred times per day ("I am going to the store," "I need coffee creamer," "We're out of milk"). That is all great information, but I still am unsure of the required response. If he said "We're out of milk, could you pick some up if you are out?" I would respond.

This is really getting to be a problem. Please don't go off and sizzle me on this. I realize it is not th end of the world, just was on the Gab board and wondered if anybody else has this problem and how you deal with it. I guess just answer "OK" a hundred+ times per day?

;

Answer him with "when I was 5, I learned to read" or I saw a - dog yesterday. See what he does, lol. sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Answer him with a completely off the wall statement, like he is making to you.

Or just respond every time with NO. Boy, I could have fun if my - hubby did this, lol. nm

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x

Communication skills - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
This may just be his style of communication, learned as a child. If he gets upset that you don't respond, he may be trying to engage you in conversation or share information.

You probably feel like a mom with a toddler who won't stop yanking on your leg and saying "Mommy!" every 5 minutes.

Instead of making it into an occasion of argument, try just responding.

"That's nice. Enjoy your shower." "Out of milk? Can you write it on the list?" "Which store? Would you see if they have any coupons?"

My take - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
He's just letting you know what he's doing. If he went to the store without telling you, you'd probably have a hissy fit. Ditto for the shower if somebody called him on the phone and you didn't know he was unavailable. I'm guessing he thinks you didn't hear him when you ignore him.

My husband and I tell eachother all the time when we're about to do something, and we both answer as best we can. It's usually just "okay!" It's called acknowledging that you heard a statement. Do you want dead air when someone says something to you?

If this is the hill you want to die on, you're probably going to die on it alone.

That poor pitiful husband should take - a long, long, long walk

[ In Reply To ..]
Do not inform the nit-picking wife. Go straight for freedom and do not look back. Things will only get worse if he stays. Trite stuff like this makes me dislike the mentality of women.

"Do you want dead air when someone says something to you?" - This. This sums it up for me.

[ In Reply To ..]
It's just rude!

The required answer is OK telling him - you heard.

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A beautiful sunny day in June and this is what you have to think about?

Are you the same person who last Sunday was miffed because her husband asked her if she was going to eat 2 oranges? If so I do feel sorry for him. Even if not, you seem to be looking for trouble and I think eventually you will find it, maybe where you least expect it.

This is not the same lady with the oranges - Smart one

[ In Reply To ..]
NM

They are both making a big deal out of nothing. - nit-picking women

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I feel sorry for both of their husbands.

I guess not everyone has a perfect life - like maybe

[ In Reply To ..]
you. Things can bother people and this board should be a place where MTs could talk and get ideas instead of being bashed for saying something.

THANK YOU! Jeezer people. This is a gab board - We should be able to post

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Anything we want without the nasty posts. For the ones who say they feel sorry for the posters husbands, well I feel sorry for their husbands that they are married to nasty spiteful hateful posters.

We don't all live perfect lives. Maybe they should post a list of what is allowed to be talked about on the gab board.

Yeah, to that poster who said it's a beautiful sunny day in June. Huh? What does that have to do with anything. Maybe you should write a list of what posters are allowed to talk about on sunny days in June and share it with us so that we don't talk about anything you don't want to read. Maybe it's a beautiful sunny day for you, but maybe it's raining in other places.

Here's a thought...if it's a beautiful sunny day in June what the heck are you here? Shouldn't you be out tending to the perfect little life, directing your neighbors and family on what they can or cannot do or what they can or cannot talk about as something might not be to your liking.

Well if you put it out there, someone's going to - respond. I don't know

[ In Reply To ..]
what you expect. That's why we have a forum here.

Don't post if you don't want a response. - Simple as that.

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Why do you post if you are afraid of responses that disagree with your post? That is just as stupid as OP not responding to husband.

Sometimes a stupid post/idea deserves - criticism/bashing.

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Maybe the OP can learn from other posters who think she is rude and thoughtless with respect to her husband. Unless her husband is a real wimp, he will get tired of her attitude and leave her. If she does not mind losing her husband then she can carry on as usual and keep doing what she is best at - complaining.

I have same complaint as your H - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
husband does about you. It is just plain rude to not acknowledge you heard what was said. He is simply sharing information, and should simply be acknowledged. I frequently remind my husband of that.
And when the shoe is on the other foot in his case, he most definitely gets testy when I fail to acknowledge his speaking. I suspect you don't enjoy talking to the wall any more than my husband does.

Extremely rude - To not acknowledge a comment

[ In Reply To ..]
If he's obviously talking to you, it's extremely rude to not acknowledge a comment. A simple "ok" suffices. If he's just talking to himself (like we all do sometimes), that's different.

I am going out on a limb here and am guessing that if he ignored something you said, you'd raise holy heck.

If you find it offensive to have your husband communicate with you, then you need to let him go find someone who acknowledges his existence. My husband and I jibber-jabber all the time. I would be quite offended if he ignored me, and he I. It's horribly rude to purposely ignore anyone's comment.

Good grief. Some of you women--you complain because your man isn't talking to you, then you complain when he does. Mind games. I don't know why men stay with that sort of woman.

Not sure I'd suggest breaking up over this - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
The OP struck me as rude, because I often deal with similar rudeness with my husband. On further thought, the OP didn't make any reference to what her activity typically is when these comments are made, nor the frequency of them.
If the comments come most often when she is deep in concentration, obviously working, that would shed a different light on the matter. Or, if as someone mentioned, the comments come rapid fire like a toddler, that would be something else altogether.
What you call mind games, I call jockeying for power. My husband does a lot of that, so it's a sensitive area with me. It certainly undermines healthy communication and strong bonds.

OP you are the one being rude - imo

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband does the exact same thing you do. It's so aggravating to be on the other side of things. Would it really kill you to say okay or at least acknowledge him?

My husband does this to me all the time, and I HATE it. It's so darn rude and has been the source of arguments for us many times over the years. Is it really that hard to be pleasant and communicative??

What's up? Just be glad he doesn't start saying this everytime he sees you (like mine does - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
no message

At least he speaks to you - - Depressed

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mine never does and if I ask a question he doesn't answer (even if he looks at me and knows I asked). Just say OK as it is so rude to not answer (like mine does).

wish mine would - reply

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My husband does the same thing, no reply or a grunt. I wish mine would "jibber jabber." It's called communication. I tell mine I hope he and the TV/book will be very happy together all alone when I find a man who will listen and laugh with me. I wanna be like the Huxtables, lmao

Sounds like premenopause ... and - I mean that to be helpful.

[ In Reply To ..]
Just a thought here ... this is the sort of thing I found annoying when I was premenopausal. An annoyance completely out of proportion to the situation, which this is. I was only 34 at the time.

A little HRT made things right again. Might consider having your hormone levels checked.

Yes, yes, yes. My husband does this all the time - but I have one additional problem - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I was just going to write about this the other night. He makes a statement (not a question) then gets mad when I don't respond. We've had so many fights I can't tell you. He tells me "you need to work on your communication skills". So I learned (the hard way) that is is rude. It brought so many arguments until I realized this. He told me it's rude not to acknowledge that I hear him. Although he does the same thing to me. I'll say to him "dinner's ready" and he doesn't say anything, so don't know if he heard me. It wasn't a question, it was a statement, but when he doesn't reply I don't know if he heard me. My solution that has worked: No matter what he says I say "okay". It's the same thing I want to hear when I'm telling him something.

But here's my problem I've come across lately - I will tell him something, he looks like he's listening, but he's not. For instance the other night we had to go out back so we took our flashlight. We come back in through our laundry room and I put the flashlight on the dryer and said to him "I'm leaving this here in case we need to go out again". He's looking right at me and looked at the flashlight while he was closing and locking up. I turned around, walked in the house and was bending down to do something and when I turned around he hands me the flashlight and said "here" (in a nasty tone). I looked at him wondering why he was handing it to me. He said "I asked you 2 times if you wanted this. Did you all of a sudden go deaf on me?" I'm thinking (well you don't want to know what I was thinking). I said to him "I just told you I was leaving it there in case we wanted to go out". He just went off about how I didn't answer his question. I said I didn't hear you ask me a question, my back was turned. He got mad and stormed off, I got mad and came to work on my computer. I was so disgusted I didn't want to talk to him. Also lately I'll be talking and he'll interrupt me in the middle of what I am saying and interject with his thoughts, which has nothing to do with what I was going to say. Then if he's talking and I interrupt him he gets mad and tells me not to interrupt him. A couple times in the past I've said you interrupt me all the time, then I get accused of wanting payback. So now I just stop abruptly and listen to him. A couple times he has said sorry, you were saying something. By that time I'm so irritated I don't remember. That just bugs me.

So I'm wondering why is it he doesn't hear what I'm saying to him half the time.

Why on earth - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
would you continue a relationship with someone who has so little respect for you? What you are describing is a symptom of a larger problem. You deserve better.

Oh brother....here we go again - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I mentioned one thing that he does and all of a sudden he has "so little respect for me". So, here I'll try and explain it as best I can.

Why I stay with my husband - Because he is a wonderful, loving, handsome, talented man who has a lot of respect for me. Because when I listen to him talk to his family about me and what I have accomplished in my life I can hear the love he has. Because we laugh together almost all day long. Because we love making a bowl of popcorn and watching a silly funny movie together that we laugh at. Because we can sit a the dinner table and eat and not say a word to each other and we are content with not having to be gabbing every minute. Because when I tell him I feel fat he tells me I am not. Because he tells me how smart I am. Because after 40 years together every day is a new adventure and we still feel like newlyweds. Because when I was with the makeup lady at a department store he told her how amazing I look. Because I love how far we've come in our lives together. Because he chose me and told him family to take a hike, and plenty of other reasons.

Jeezers wheezers...There is no "larger problem". He's going through his mid life phase. I'm certainly not going to leave him because once or twice he gets grumpy with me. Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and he decided not to stay with me every month I am going through my "hormonal problems". Reason for divorce...my wife gets PMS??? Men have hormonal problems too, but we are in a marriage together. For good and bad. In sickness and in health. We go through our good times and bad. You just don't throw more than 40 years away because one of them gets snippy every once in awhile. That's not someone who has "little respect", it's just a grumpy mood and him dealing with his hormonal/life changes.

It's a good thing I don't take advice from anyone here. I'd be alone in my life and miserable.

My husband does to me what you do to your - husband....sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I find it extremely rude. Does he not warrant a simple response. Would it kill you to say OK or have fun or whatever might be appropriate? My husband has really made an effort to communicate better with me in recent years and it has made a difference. I often say I'm going to the store, I'm having a cup of coffee, I'm getting in the shower, etc. I'm not looking for permission, just kind of thinking out loud and it is nice to get an answer.

Mine does that, but he really has a hearing problem - and won't admit it.

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

My ex used to not respond to me. Then he acted - surprised when I left him.

[ In Reply To ..]
Not even bothering to acknowledge your partner when they say something is really disrespectful, IMO. It's communication. My husband and I do this all day long. The way to handle it is to say "Okay, Honey! Enjoy your shower/trip to the store/etc!" I can't imaging just ignoring my husband.

That is what I do - It is called being nice

[ In Reply To ..]
I do the same thing. It's called being nice. Some people don't understand being nice.

I don't ignore my husband. I think that's about as stupid as a woman can get. I would suppose you women who ignore you husbands are arrogant enough to think they won't go looking for someone who actually doesn't ignore them? Ahem. Be smart, ladies.

You misunderstand the nature of his communication. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It's just a verbal "touch" - and it's pretty sad that you don't have the insight to understand what's going on, or understand that a little "touch-back" doesn't cost you a darn thing.

"Think I'll shower now."
"Good! You stink!" would be BETTER than your blasted indifferent silence.

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