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Need Advice on New Grandbaby Issue

Posted: Oct 15, 2009

I watch my 4-month-old grandbaby from Wed. nights until Friday mornings while my daughter goes to school. She lives 45 minutes away, so it is easier. She is not married and shares visitation with the father.

The fathers parents live in the same town as me, so usually on Thursdays I will take the baby there so the father an grandparents can visit. Everytime I pick him up, he is screaming uncontrollably. I pick hip up and put his nuk in his mouth and he quiets right down.

I have explained several times how his mom holds him and rocks him and that she uses the nuk to sooth him. They refuse to use the nuk becuase they do not believe in it. I tried explaining to the father that it is not about what you want, that it is what the baby wants, but he said babies are fussy and they need to cry it out.

When I dropped him off today, he started screaming as soon as his dad picked him up and it breaks my heart. I know that when he cries, they put him in the other room to cry it out.

What would you all do?

;

Don't know what to tell you - sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
You can just leave it be as the child will survive or stop leaving the baby there with them. I am the same way about pacifiers, did not use them except for the 1st week or two, that was it, then they were gone. I have seen many a 3-y/o sucking on a pacifier which is a bit too old in my opinion. If they want to suck on something they can use their fingers or a bottle of formula if hungry. However I certainly would not ignore the baby if it was crying and put it in another room. They should try rocking the baby, or see if it needs a new diaper, or maybe it has gas, etc. When mine were fussy I would use one of those swings, they loved it. How long is the baby there? If you are only talking and hour or two I would drop it, if you are talking all day and all night then they need to be more attentive. Does the baby cry the entire time? If so they are obviously not visitiing with it since it is in the other room, and I would just stop dropping the baby off then, what is the point. If they want to see the baby then they can come to your house.

Sad as it may sound, you can never make people do what you want and you have to let them visit with - Taylor

[ In Reply To ..]
.

Oops - Taylor

[ In Reply To ..]
I got cut off...you have to let them visit with him and you can't change that side of his family. Have you thought of breaking him to his thumb when you have him?

What I would do - Motherandgrandmom

[ In Reply To ..]
I would keep my comments to myself. You are not the parent and you are over stepping your bounds if you try to tell either the father or the other grandparents what they should do with the child. Perhaps it might be better for you not to have to drop the child off if it worries you like this, then you would not see, right? I would stay clear of any interference in the other side of the child's family.

visitation - Happy MT Robin

[ In Reply To ..]
Is taking the baby to the father's house part of a visitation agreement of some sort? What does your daughter say about the crying and how the father is handling it?

If these visits are not part of a visitation arrangement, I think I would try to make arrangements for them to come to you and the baby instead of dropping him off with them. You're going to have to let your daughter be part of this decision, though.

The fact that the baby started crying the minute the dad picked him up is a little concerning to me. That makes me think that there may be more going on than just letting him "cry it out."

watch for inguinal hernias - linda

[ In Reply To ..]
that can happen when a child cries too hard and too long

I don't buy into the Nuk either. - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
Perhaps your daughter and the father need to talk about this without you and his parents, as they are BOTH the parents of this child. His input should matter. As far as the baby, neither of my children has ever had a pacifier and I think that they are both doing fine.

pacifiers have their place - truffle

[ In Reply To ..]
I hated the idea of pacifiers too, but when I had my first baby I had to change my mind. I knew his tummy was full but he wanted to suck more. I could tell that he was frustrated, so I gave him the Nuk. He never got overly attached to it. When he was older, I made sure he only used it to settle him down if necessary.

My second baby hated the Nuk (my breast was her pacifier)and when she finally found her thumb she stopped breastfeeding and sucked her thumb at bedtime until she was at least 10 years old. It's much harder to break them from the thumb, I think.

My third baby never used a pacifier and never sucked his thumb. He was the only baby of mine who I could put in the crib and say "time to go to sleep," pat his little bottom and he was happy as could be.

There are all no one-size-fits all rules for babies. If the Nuk is a comfort to him, then he should have it. After all, he is separated from his mother when he wants the Nuk. Poor thing, let him have the pacifier if he can't have mama.

Babies made it for a long long time... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
without the aid of pacifiers. A big plus is that I will never have to get up in the middle of the night to help my child find his thumb. If you like to use pacifiers, do what makes you happy. I really have no stake in whether or not this child gets or does not get a pacifier, my point was that it is a parental decision that should be arrived at with BOTH parents.

My point was that all babies are different. - truffle

[ In Reply To ..]
If the grandparents think all babies should cry it out, they are ignoring the fact that the baby is an individual who has his own personality. He is crying because he needs something.

Babies crying - Motherandgrandmom

[ In Reply To ..]
I wish you had told that to my daughter when she was a young baby, cried for 6 months straight for no reason at all. She needed nothing, no changing, no pampering, no food, nothing wrong, no colic, nothing. She got on my very last nerve. Some babies cry, my goodness, for no reason at all.

You are right- let me modify my statement. - truffle

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you are right, some babies do cry for absolutely no reason. I have seen it myself. My niece did that for my sister, and that same niece's baby girl was the same way. I babysat for her one time and it was a nightmare.

The baby we are talking about, though, is calmed with a Nuk, so I say give him what makes him happy.

I'm so glad I didn't have any babies that cried like that. Mine were all pretty easygoing.

Glad my kids are grown and I just have my furries now - Motherandgrandmom

[ In Reply To ..]
I think I should have started with them. Kids stay around a long, long time. My furries have been fed, have settled down for the day, no bother, no tugging at you, no crying, no fuss, no muss. I am a happy lady.

My advice... - FBL

[ In Reply To ..]
I would certainly not go out of my way to deliver a child to people who don't want to be bothered with holding him, and who obviously distress him. Just tell them you can't afford the gas anymore, and they can come visit him at your house if they want. I bet they won't more than once or twice.

Amazing.... - travelinMT

[ In Reply To ..]
...how us grandmothers are. You don't know how many grandmothers that think the other grandparents do not care for the child right when they have him/her. I was the same way, my grandkids stayed with their other grandmother and I constantly wanted to go over there and get them. They survived just fine...not the way I would have done things but they were fine. The funny part was when my grandson got old enough he used to go to his grandma's house after school and call me and ask me if he could come over. My granddaughter loved it over there but my grandson wanted to be at my house. Sometimes the kids will decide for themselves when they get old enough.

I too might question the baby screaming everytime his father picked him up and for that reason I think I would ask my daughter about keeping the visitation at your house for a while and see if the baby screams like that when you are there. Maybe the father is nervous, doesn't really want to be bothered, is too rough with the way he handles him, you won't know if you can't see what is going on. Short of planting a nanny cam in the house (fat chance of that) it is the only way you will know what is going on and causing him to scream the whole time...besides the pacifier issue. I used them with both my boys and when they got too old for them I told them they were big boys and big boys don't need pacifiers and they disappeared, you can't do that with their thumb. If they are used to them and you don't give it to them they will throw a screaming fit, mine did.

I would talk to your daughter about it. - Kelley

[ In Reply To ..]
I understand what others are saying about not being able to control how they are with the child. I myself would be worried about neglect. I don't know them though, so it is impossible to tell. I think your daughter should decide what to do. I know if it was my child, I would be very interested to see just exactly they do or don't do to/with the child. I'd let her take it from there, but like someone else mentioned, if it is not part of the agreement that he has to be taken there for a visit on that day, I would just stop doing it and let them come to you.

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