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Grown children and sibling rivalry

Posted: Aug 27, 2010

I have two grown, successful children. A 30 y/o son, married with a child, lives about 4 hours away. A 25 y/o daughter, single, professional, working full time and enrolled in a master's program, lives 10 hours away.

Naturally, I see my son more often. He wants his child to be in our lives as much as possible (my father practically raised him when his father bailed on us).

I just had a long conversation with my daughter who apparently has always felt that I "favor" her brother, that I spend more time with him, that I've always been there to support him... This really tore at my heart because I have always felt that I've been there for both of them.

They are sooooo different. She is so fiercly independent and straight-forward, no nonsense honest and strong. She left for college when she was 16! I have often told her that I really admire how she just made this life plan and has stuck to it! She's doing it her way. My son is just a laid back guy, very loving, very caring, wear his heart on his sleeve. I don't like to call him a momma's boy, but he is much more affectionate and attentive than she (though she is not a cold fish...) He stayed home until he was 21 and I seriously thought he was going to stay home forever then one day he just up and decided he wanted to join the miliitary and did. He is a lieutenant now.

I will say this: When their dad was in our life, he verbally and physically abused my SON, doted on my daughter. I am guilty of not doing enough back then, but we all went to counseling for it, talked about it, and I thought worked through it. She says that has nothing to do with how she feels now and she understands that I felt like I had to "make it up to him more than her" and that she has always felt guilty about the way her dad treated her like a princess and acted like he hated his son...

I just never knew that she felt that way and I don't know what caused her to call in tears to tell me this. I apologized to her of course, but I don't really know what else to do! We had a long talk, but I cannot for the life of me UNDERSTAND why she feels this way. My son has much more freedom in his schedule to come here, she does not (I mean working and school full time!). I don't know what to do to console her, but I want to convey to her that I love her, that I'm proud of her, that she is my "hero"... She has done everything that I ever wanted to do, but didn't have the chance to and I burst into tears when I speak of either of my kids because they are AWESOME!

I'm sad that she feels this way and I want us to fix it. I never meant to make her feel this way... Any suggestions? :(

;

I've learned my parents were different w/my siblings - and it is okay

[ In Reply To ..]
My father doted on my oldest sister. He abused me physically and emotionally, NEVER her. As adults (she is 56 and I am 49), I recently came to understand the depth of her jealousy towards me. I can finally forgive her actions towards me over the years.

What did I do that caused it? I was born. That and for some reason, my parents thought I had that special something that endeared me to them - even if my dad had a funny way of showing it. After his death, I spoke to some of his friends and asked them to tell me their impressions of his relationship with his children. I was the only one he never worried about. He always knew I was going to be okay. He worried significantly about my sisters.

I am the most independent and strongest willed and got away with murder because I learned how NOT to let my parents know everything I did. My sister was the one who felt she had to be up in our parents faces to get the attention she wanted. She was the perfect child with the perfect curls and perfect friends and perfect grades who married the perfect man. To this day, she has to control and interfere with my relationship with my mom (whom I was always closest with). She just needs something from my mom that my mom never gave her - validation that I was as important as my mom felt I was. Isn't that ironic and an eye opener for me. I always felt like I was the left-out one. And my mom did give her that validation, it is my sister's envy that kept her from seeing it.

So, from my perspective, my parents were different parents to each of us siblings. You can't treat each one identically, because each child has different personalities, reacts differently, has different strengths and weaknesses. When your daughter is older, maybe she will come to understand some of this. All you can do is to continue loving them for the individuals they are and know that while there may have been mistakes in your past, you did something right in raising 2 wonderful successful adults.

First, I'd ease up on the guilt - Happy MT Robin

[ In Reply To ..]
You clearly have a great relationship with your daughter, otherwise she would not have felt able to call you and tell you the things that she did. YOU did not make her feel any of these things, though. At this point in her life, she is the only one who is responsible for the way she feels and how she deals with those feelings. I'm speaking here as a daughter who had Mom issues at some point in the past.

All you can do is tell her that you love her and that you're proud of her. Maybe call her a little more often than you do -- I'm not implying that you don't, but if you typically talk once a week, make a point to call her twice a week. You might also recommend that she find a good therapist, as she clearly has some issues that she is still working on and sounds like she could use some help with.

Here is a thought - just guessing

[ In Reply To ..]
I wonder if your daughter, who has always been so in control, might be struggling in some area of her life, extra stressed, and she is feeling vulnerable. She needs her mom, but she is so used to doing things on her own that she is conflicted about needing you for emotional support. People who are so in control all the time often have a hard time asking for help. It makes them feel weak. Maybe it really has nothing to do with any sort of rivalry, but her own feelings of inadequacy. Maybe she is just juggling too much right now and can't see that that is the problem. Everybody has their limits.

By the way, your daughter sounds like a terrific girl!

I agree with just guessing. Read between the lines. - My 2 cents.

[ In Reply To ..]
I think she is feeling lonely for some reason, and she misses you. She may also feel guilty for being so far away from you when SHE needs you, and you say she can not visit as often. This makes her jealous of her brother. This is not malicious at all on her part. She sounds wonderful, but we all have our weak points, and she may not even realize this is the reason she is feeling the way she is.

Make those extra calls to her, and perhaps you could even go visit her. It would make her feel very special. I used to send my girls little gifts, magazine articles, or even their favorite homemade cookies. When she sees that extra effort you are making because she needs you, she will realize how silly it was to let these feelings go so far.

Good luck to you. Holidays are coming up. It sounds like your family needs to spend some time together.

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