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Divorce and what it does to children

Posted: Oct 29, 2010

My boyfriend has 5 children. He was married to his former wife for 14 years. They have been divorced for 1 year now; separated for 3, and have 5 children together ranging from almost 13 years old to 5 years old. He had custody of them in the beginning because she abandoned them (left the state with another man)....then she was somehow able to get custody back. Anyway that really isn't the issue.

The youngest (5-year-old) has been potty trained since he was 3. He really was easy to train. Never had accidents during the day, and at night would wear Pull-Ups, and after a few weeks of that, he was done, and for 2 years has had no issues.

Since his mother has had custody back, she has moved repeatedly....one time, clear across the country (cutting off all contact with their father...there was an Amber alert for them and everything). She only moves back when she is threatened with jail time.

Anyway...the 5-year-old has recently started wetting his pants on a regular basis. He started kindergarten this year, so this is new (she babied him...no social interaction for him, unlike the others). She sends a change of clothes in a ziplock bag to school every day with him in case he wets his pants. I believe he is displaying trauma from the constant moving and lack of care (I could delve into this but it would take too long).

Today all the kids were out of school because of a teacher workday, and they are here because it is their dad's weekend. However, she picked the 5-year-old up this morning for a urology appointment.

I am all for medical problems being addressed, but I don't feel that he needs a specialist for this issue. There is a whole back story involved....like her not taking any responsiblility for any wrongdoing on her part...

I don't know. I guess I need to know what WE can do when he is with us to help him. We don't want to scold him and contribute to the problem. So, what do we do to help him? We make strides when he is here, but then he goes back to her and all is undone. She doesn't work with us at all...so I don't know what we can do....if anything. All I want to do is help him.

By the way, because she has sheltered him so much (no daycare, no interaction with other children his age (even though he has 4 brothers and sisters)) he is seriously lacking in school. He gets in trouble often and does not have good social skills to follow direction. He is 5 but acts like he is 2. It is very sad. Actually, one of my boyfriend's daughers is 7 and acts like she is 3...same scenario (still sucks her thumb/throws temper tantrums/talks like a baby all the time...she's in second grade(!))....the mother babies the 2 little ones too much. The older 3 kids act nothing like this at all.

;

Addendum - He is back from the

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urologist.

He was told to stop peeing his pants.

His mother was told that she needs to take him to see a psychologist.

She blames his father...

Question - See message - RubySoho

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Did the urologist at least perform an ultrasound of the little guy's kidneys to make sure everything was in working order, no obstructions or anything that might be contributing to his wetting issue? I've no doubt he (and the other kids) probably do need to see a therapist after the trauma they've been through, but hopefully the doc didn't just blow off his wetting problems as being all emotionally related without making sure there were no physical anomalies contributing to the issue.

Good luck to you...Being stepmom to 5 children with a problematic ex-wife sounds like it would be an EXTREMELY difficult task, and it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job stepping up to the plate for them. It's a job I can't say I'd be willing to undertake, so kudos on having enough bravery (and most importantly LOVE) to take on the task!

To be honest, I don't know. - He has asked

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what tests were performed. He has asked what steps need to be taken for his son/what the doctor determined, etc...

All she said was, "he said (child's name) should stop peeing his pants and this is all your fault. Now I have to take him to a shrink." And then she hung up on him. She is very, very difficult to deal with....even if you are just trying to arrange pick up/drop off stuff.

We aren't saints by any means, and as the other poster suggested, we don't blame her for everything at all. Fault is not applicable where children are concerned. I have my own son, and my ex had nothing to do with him at all through his most formative years. He turned out to be a stellar young man and has since formed a relationship with his dad (despite my anxiety and fear about my ex). My boyfriend's feelings about his ex do not interfere with the fact that he wants the best for his children.

All we want is for this young man to be healthy; for all of them to be healthy.

Right now, they are all having fun, though. Riding their bikes and having a good time. Being kids, like they should be.

Thank you for seeing that I love them. I don't really need anyone to verify it, but it's nice to know that it is seen. Not a lot of people would get involved with someone with that much "baggage" but he is a wonderful man and his children are wonderful as well. I really am blessed to have found them all....and I love each and every one of them!

And his father clearly blames her... - mmmmm

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No wonder he needs to see a psychologist!

My daugher had bedwetting problems at age 7. - Here is how I handled it.

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She was significantly behind her peers in reading at school and she was trying to hide it. She was having to stay inside during recess because she was unable to finish her work. I considered this punishment for something she could not help, so I put a stop to it. Her grades were falling and we had to get tutoring for her. I think maybe she was afraid that we would be mad at her. She had never changed the sheets on her bed before, but I found them in the laundry and could smell urine. She had also been hiding the fact that she was wetting the bed.

I talked to her and asked her how long it had been going on. It was a couple of weeks. I said from now on do not hide this from me. Just tell me that you wet the bed and then forget about it and it will go away. I told her I would take care of the bed clothes and for her not to hide them. I also had a talk with her about the things that were bothering her and how we were going to work on them, and in time she would be able to read as well as anyone. I think she came to me twice and told me she had wet that bed. I said, "Okay, thanks. Now forget about it." Sure enough, it went away with her anxiety. By the way, she went all the way through graduate school and got her master's in special education, and is now the special ed in reading at an elementary school. She says, I was that kid once. I know what they are going through.

You need to minimize this bedwetting situation as much as you can. It probably is anxiety. You needs to tell him it happens to lots of kids and it will go away. The urologist is not the only specialist he needs, but hopefully they gave some helpful hints about drinking after 6 p.m., and that the deepest sleep is during the first 2 hours so it is important for him to go right before he goes to sleep. Please do not discuss this with him in front of the other kids. If possible, have him make regular trips to the bathroom all day up until bedtime.

You can not change what is mother does or does not do, but you can be someone he can confide in and trust. When they talk baby talk, make them repeat themselves. Tell them you can not understand what they are saying, but make sure you are helping them constructively and not ridiculing them. In my opinion also, conflicts with their mother should never be discussed in front of them. Even though she does it, make sure you do not. Time and patience will work wonders; however, if the mother actually does take this child to a psychologist, it could be the best thing that ever happened, as she may get some much needed parenting instructions, one can only hope but if not, much more time and patience will be needed and they will take comfort knowing you are in their corner.

Thanks. - He does not wet the

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bed at night. He will wet his pants during the day.

We are actually hoping that she takes him to a psychologist. We are hoping they all eventually go to see a psychologist. The only problem is that she will not divulge the information and will not tell their father who the doctor is and such so he has no way to be involved. It's frustrating.

We have talked to the boy about the wetting issue. We don't scold him at all because I'm sure it is upsetting enough for him. We are trying to find out what the deeper issue is that is causing him to do this, but we also feel that he needs more help than we can provide.

We never talk about conflicts with their mother in front of them, ever. That is a steadfast rule that is never broken. I grew up in a broken home and always took comfort in the fact that my parents never hated on each other in my presence. (now that I'm grown I know it really is vital)

There is only so much you can do. - StepMom

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If this child's mother does not enlist the help from his father or provide any helpful information, she is only hurting her child. There is nothing you can do about that. No matter what your opinions are, you would be wise to keep them to yourself. At the same time, being a trusted friend to the children is the best thing that you can do.

Some people just should never be parents!!! What a shame.

research "Parental Alienation Syndrome" - .

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it never ceases to amaze me what women will do to their children in order to punish an ex-spouse.

The Greeks didn't pen the tragedy "Medea" for nothing. The human psyche can be a muddy place.

I appreciate that. - We have already

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done some research on that topic, among other things.

He has started to take a more proactive approach this past week (since she is so difficult and seems to want him to have no part in anything involving their education/care, etc.). He has not had the opportunity to do this in the past because she has not stayed in one place with them long enough (they moved and switched schools over 5 times last school year alone). She has now been told by the judge that if she moves with them again without the permission of the children's father and the court, she will go to jail and lose custody, so he now has the opportunity to be involved on a much deeper level.

He has had conferences with all their teachers and is currently scheduling meetings with their doctors. He is, after all, their father and has every right to this information. If she is unwilling to be civil with him and provide answers to simple questions, he will seek them out himself. He wants to help his kids and be an integral part of their lives.

We have found out that he is being blamed for quite a number of things relating to their school work not being done (when they are only here on 1 school night a week).

He feels that after talking with all their teachers, a common ground has been reached with them. They will be keeping him notified from now on if they feel that the children are being neglected in their schooling in any way and if he is being "thrown under the bus" as the scapegoat. They will also mail him copies of all progress reports and report cards (he never gets to see that stuff) as well as any other pertinent information that he may need.

It really is a shame that it has to be this way. They are wonderful kids and they deserve the very best. It's too bad that at least one of their parents seems more interested in playing games than looking out for their best interests.

Next week brings several doctor meetings, most by phone. He is also going to speak with his attorney and see if there is a way to try and get mandatory counseling for the children. They really do need it.

Thanks again.

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