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ADOPTION/BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN

Posted: Oct 21, 2011

Hi all, I need some advice/guidance on adopted children.

BACKGROUND: I am the mother of 3 children, 14,19(step son), and 4 m.o. Approximately 15 years ago I was told I would not be able to have biological children from 3 different specialist. Around the same time my younger sister was pregnant but kept it hiddden from the family until she was 6 wks away from delivery. After he was born, she decided that she wanted her old fun carefree life style back and left him with my parents. A short time later my mother and father were feeling that he needed a young set of parents. Since my parents and I had cared for him it was decided it would be best for him to be mine. He was 18 months old when all was said and done with. I love him very much and have always put a positive spin on why I adopted him. He countinued to be close to my sister, which I had no problem with.

Fast Forward to 2010. At this time his dad and I were divorced and our relationship has always been great even after the divorce. I was seeing someone and low and behold who should end up pregnant, yep me!!! I broke the news to my son gently as I knew it would be difficult for him to take. I was very much so, wrong on that, it really really upset him. I told him that did not change my love for him at all that he was and always will be my son. Blood or no blood. He became distant and asked to move to his dads after the school year was up. While waiting for the year to end he made it increasiingly clear that he wanted NOTHING to do with me. Made the last few months hell on all of us. He has since moved approximately 1000 miles from me. Has been gone since late May and has not contacted me once. I had tried to stay in contact with him but it is not working and he refuses my repeated attempts for visit.

Has anyone had any experience with this? I want to know if it is better to let things go or if I keep trying to patch things up? He is being seen by a psychologist currently. He has told his dad on repeated occasions that I got pregnant to get rid of him. His dad told him that this was not the case and even showed him the dr. reports stating I couldn't have children. I am just beside myself and have been for the last 6 months. I couldn't really enjoy the fact that I was pregnant seeing how it hurt him.

Please, I really do not know what to do and need advice from someone on the outside of this problem.

Thanks

;

I am sorry for your situation....sm - Old Woman

[ In Reply To ..]
I have never been in your shoes, and I'm not quite sure what I would do if I ever were. It must be painful to you, especially at a time when your hormones were torn up with your pregnancy. However, it is also apparent that this has been a painful experience for your son as well. I know as a mother you want to make things "all better" for your child and want him to be a part of your life. I don't think you can force this issue with him without driving him further away, but since your ex-husband is trying to help your son to see the whole situation, perhaps you could enlist his help in getting your son to at least talk to you.

As parents, we love our children, natural or otherwise, but adopted children are different. They are chosen. They also have legal rights above that of a natural child. Let your son know that he was chosen because you wanted him and that, whether or not you ever had other children, the fact remains.

I wish I could offer you more in the way of advice, but I am just not experienced in this sort of life issue. I wish you the best and hope your son comes to his senses soon and contacts you.

adoption and biological children - sorry for your situation

[ In Reply To ..]
Your son is at a time in his life where things are changing for him. His parents have divorced but are still friendly (confusing to him), mom has a new guy and now a new baby. Add that his bio mother rejected him, along with hormonal changes of becoming a man, well, that is a lot for a 14 yo boy to deal with.

It is wonderful that he can live with his dad, but I do have to ask why you didn't try counseling before agreeing to let him move 1000 miles away. I don't know how you can even attempt to fix things with that much physical distance between you. You need to be working on this in counseling as a family and he needs to work on his issues alone at the same time.

I don't care how great a mom you've been, many adoptive kids are going to get to an age where they need to work out issues about that event and what it means to them. You need to be there for him now more than ever. I can understand why he feels replaced by looking at it through his eyes.

My adoptive child is going through a phase where she is terrified I am going to leave her. When parking the car, she NEEDS to get out first or thinks I'm going to walk away and leave her. She NEEDS to get into the car first for the same reason. I haven't changed anything that I'm doing. I've never left her anywhere, walked away, given her any reason to believe I would abandon her, but it is a very real concern on her part, and I know it has to do with her bio mom walking away from her. You can't look inside a kid's head and know what their triggers of fears are and how to fix them, but I can see my child is projecting her fears and hurt from being abandoned by her bio mom onto me. It could be the same for your son.

My suggestion is that you need to be in family counseling with your son. If that's impossible because he is 1000 miles away, I would say you need to rethink that choice. At the very least, get yourself to a counselor to talk this over and get some professional recommendations.

as a side note, the other poster said that adoptive children have more legal rights than biological children. Having been through the adoption process, I am curious as to what those elevated legal rights are ???

adoption and biological children - sorry for your situation - Momma of 3

[ In Reply To ..]
In response to your questions. I am sorry I should have stated that the couneling had been done prior to his move. It was suggested at that time to allow the move giving him space and time to sort out things. He is currently in counseling with his dad and his dad has always encouraged the contact. The counselor there advised the time and space as well if I ever wanted a relationship. I do text and email him three times a week and will leave messages on his voicemail.

I am not aware of the legal rights issues. This must be a state by state rule. The only thing I can think of would be the safe guarding of records and such.

Thank you for your advice :)

if you ever wanted a relationship? - for crying out loud

[ In Reply To ..]
You are treating your relationship with your adopted son as disposable. No wonder he feels rejected. You are treating him that way!! The counselor advised "time and space .. if I ever wanted a relationship" ??? WTH? I think there is a lot more to this story and I think you are failing your son - and have been since you picked yourself over him with the divorce and new guy.

Poor kid. Yep, it's better you stop contacting him. You don't deserve him.

You're just a breath of fresh air now! - JS

[ In Reply To ..]
I've frequented this board for years and thought I had seen in all, but congratulations!!!... this is hands down the most OBNOXIOUS and MEAN-SPIRITED post I've ever read. Your people skills need serious help, and I hope the OP ignores your nastiness.

Way to go.

Momma of 3 - apologies

[ In Reply To ..]
OMG! I am appalled that someone could say that to you and I apologize for it. A good friend went through a vaguely similar situation and they are working on rebuilding the family through time, trust tests, and things of that sort. Where we live, there aren't many counseling alternatives, and I don't have children, but I find it horrid that someone could pass judgment on anyone that easily. I wish you and your family the best.

posts - Momma of 3

[ In Reply To ..]
My only concern is if you have two counselors telling you the same thing, what would you have said if I hadn't followed their advice and kept him with me unhappily until he does something stupid. Like try to harm himself. That is what I was told could happen. I have never and will never abanodon MY SON. While we are all allowed to have our own thoughts and views, that is why I asked. Yes your words were not kind but that is how you feel and I can respect that. There was no one put in front of my son or picked over him. Do you honetly believe that I want my son with his dad so far away? No I thought I was being a responsible parent by putting my wants and needs after his. That is what a parent does. Also, why this makes a difference or not, my ex and I had been apart since 2004 so he was not dealing with the divorce issue/ We all make mistakes that is how we learn. If you are going to tell me that you havent ever made one with your children, I am not buyting it.

Hard times - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I hope you can ignore the obnoxious statement made above and follow your counselors' advice and your heart. I suspect YOU know this child better than anyone, and yes this is a child yet. Give the space, give the time, don't crowd too much.
Maybe send a card instead of calling or texting so often? Even once a week, a card saying that you miss him, noting an event or two you've had during the week, etc., may help bridge the gap?
I don't want to represent myself as an expert here as I've never been in this situation, but I don't think crowding is in order. And, you asked us. :)

Good luck, and please let us know what happens. We're all in this wonderful world of MT'ing together.

oh yeah I''ve made lots of mistakes - abandonment issues

[ In Reply To ..]
Your first question is "what would I have have said if I hadn't followed their advice?" I can't answer that because I'm not in your shoes. But if you don't follow your gut, your promise to this child you chose and stood in front of a judge and said you were a forever family...only later to send him away...it really doesn't matter how you feel. It matters how HE feels.

You did not ask about him You asked about you. I think that sums up the extent of your concern.

abandonment issues - Momma of 3

[ In Reply To ..]
YOU TOUCHED ON ...it really doesn't matter how you feel. It matters how HE feels.
IN MY PREVIOUS REPLY I TOUCHED ON THAT SEE BELOW:
No I thought I was being a responsible parent by putting my wants and needs after his. That is what a parent does.

I ALSO WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DID NOT SEND MY SON AWAY HE IS WHRE HE WANTS TO BE RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT SURE IF YOU CAN SEE THAT/OR IF I AM EXPLAINING SOMETHING WRONG.

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