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What is your opinon about children and funerals.

Posted: Aug 29, 2012

What age do you believe is appropriate for a child to attend a family funeral?

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I think it depends on the child...sm - Old Woman

[ In Reply To ..]
As in all things, some children are better able to understand the situation than others of the same age. I also think it depends upon the relationship the child had with the deceased and also how well the parents have prepared them. The ability of the parents to ensure proper behavior on the child's part also is a factor. Will the parents be in such a state of grief that they are unable to attend to their child?

As a general rule of thumb, I would say no younger than 8 or 9, but again the above factors should be considered.

Depends on whose funeral and child's age. SM - KC

[ In Reply To ..]
If it is a grandparent or someone the child had a very close relationship to, then base it on the child's age and maturity level. If it was a more distant relative or someone the child wasn't as close to or didn't see often, I'd leave them home unless they're old enough to understand what's going on and prepared for what they'll face.

When my youngest daughter was 4, she lost her grandmother. I took her to the viewing (they were extremely close), but not the funeral. My oldest was 8 and she attended both.

It's a tricky question with no one right or wrong answer, I'm afraid.

funerals - mt1347

[ In Reply To ..]
If the deceased is the parent of the child, take them to the viewing at least if they are 5 or under - you don't have to keep them there the whole time, maybe arrange to have someone take them home after 15 or 30 mins. I tell you this because my nephew, now a middle-aged man, was not taken to the funeral or the viewing by his mother when my brother was killed in a car accident - my nephew was almost 5. He had severe problems - they were very close and suddenly my brother didn't come home anymore and the little boy was told Daddy went to heaven - might as told him he went to the moon. He had to repeat Kindergarten because of "immaturity." His mind was still trying to deal with his Dad's abrupt absence. Long story short, I didn't know until 10 years ago that he thought had been to the funeral, as well as to visit my brother in the hospital right before he died. That's how his mind handled it - he built this fantasy about how things went and it became his reality. He never was allowed to grieve for his father - he was kept away from everything about the funeral and wasn't allowed to share the grief process with the rest of the family. Don't underestimate children - they can handle reality, but if you lie to them or exclude them in the name of protecting them, you are doing great harm.

Children and funerals - mobie

[ In Reply To ..]
Personally, I think the earlier the better, but with some considerations to make such as:
Does the child know the deceased?
Can the child behave appropriately?
Does the family even want children there?

I went to my first funeral when I was 4. It was for my grandmother. My parents took me to every funeral they went to, whether or not I knew the person. I think I am better off for it. I was much better prepared for the process when my father passed away several years ago, and I brought my son to my dad's funeral and he was 18 months at the time. The next grandchild in line was 8 years and it goes up from there. They are all find and have had no issues from the experience.

Death is really the one absolute sure thing a person can experience during life and I think the faster children become acclimated to that, the better off they are.

Whatever you do though, try not to link death and sleeping, especially with the younger than 8 (I would say) crowd.

Depends on Child, but... - Viewings

[ In Reply To ..]
...if there is a dead body visible literally propped up or lying down, that is totally inappropriate for very young children. It's creepy and morbid and a nightmare waiting to happen that night or for a very long time. An emotionally stable 12-year-old, maybe. Kids don't need to see dead bodies, either in real life or in the movies.

If there's no dead body visible, then whatever age/maturity that the kid will behave is fine, IMHO, at the memorial.

I don't think very small children need to see the coffin lowered into the ground, either, then told that it's grandma in there.

When I was a child - RC

[ In Reply To ..]
My parents took me to open-casket funerals, and it wasn't a problem. I was more curious (maybe I was weird) than scared, but some kids might be scared. I think it really depends on the child.

Opinions - JD

[ In Reply To ..]
While all kids are indeed different, I don't think it's worth the risk to show small kids a dead body. I'm a grownup and pretty stable, and I think it's a ridiculous, morbid tradition.

My husband's grandmother died when he was 14, and he's quite stable. The dead body was propped up in their house for 2 days, and he never forgot it and never "forgave" his mother for that.

I think most people don't prop up the bodies in the house for 2 days, but I still say a kid looking at a dead body is not necessary and does zero for their development, spiritual or otherwise, and definitely increases the risk for being completely turned off by funerals, etc.

But some kids might see it - RC

[ In Reply To ..]
As an official goodbye.

Yes, They Might - JD-nm

[ In Reply To ..]
xx

I have a hard question - - Maggie May

[ In Reply To ..]
How do you tell a child that a person has died "and gone to heaven" and then take them to a funeral home, and there is that person in a "box" ? How can you explain to a child about a person's "soul" or whatever? And what about the cemetery, where the person in the box (who is supposedly in heaven) is then in the ground with a "rock" on top of them? (Serious questions, not joking.)

All this is easier if... - ...you already have strong religion in the home

[ In Reply To ..]
I think it would be almost impossible to give a child a lesson in religion just at the funeral. This is where a strong family faith with continuous religious practice comes in, not a crash course at a funeral, obviously.

This is part of knowing your child, your household teachings, etc. One wouldn't expect a child to all of a sudden "get it" when someone dies.

You have to know your child - sm

[ In Reply To ..]

We have had many funerals to attend in the past couple years. My son is going to be 5 in 2 weeks, and he has attended all of them - the earliest being for his paternal grandfather when he was 2.

We have exposed him to funerals and talked about what happens when people die (they body goes into the ground and their spirit goes to Heaven to live with Jesus until He comes back one day and everyone will come alive again - not preaching to you, just telling you how we've explained it to him).

He knows how to behave in a funeral home. He is respectful. He is not afraid of seeing the deceased or even touching them gently on the hand. He can explain to others what happens when you die, and he has actually comforted others with this knowledge. He routinely asks to go visit Grampa and Grammy (at the cemetery) because he misses them. We go, sit down on the grass, and he will tell them about his day and what is happening at school, etc.

I think there is no right/wrong age...you have to know your child and if you believe they can handle the situation and process the explanations (in very basic terms, of course).

We have had many funerals to attend in the past couple years. My son is going to be 5 in 2 weeks, and he has attended all of them - the earliest being for his paternal grandfather when he was 2.

We have exposed him to funerals and talked about what happens when people die (they body goes into the ground and their spirit goes to Heaven to live with Jesus until He comes back one day and everyone will come alive again - not preaching to anyone, just telling you how we've explained it to him).

I think there is no right/wrong age...you have to know your child and if you believe they can handle the situation and process the explanations (in very basic terms, of course). I do NOT believe it is right to ever lie to a child about death, though. Death is part of life. Lying to them will only cause more issues down the track.

My grandfather - CAMTDV

[ In Reply To ..]
My grandfather lived with us for many years. I was around 7 and used to get up when he came home late and night and would have milk toast with him. Back in those days he used to put my brother and I in his old Rambler (making sure to tell us to avoid the spit can) and take us with him to the bar where he would have a drink and we would have milkshakes. We sat on our knees on the stools and loved every minute of it. He would tell everyone there we were his grandkids! This was back in the 1960s before bar laws regarding children and there was nothing wrong with it. I loved him more than anyone in my family to this day and I am now 50.

One day I only knew he was gone and that I was going to the hospital to see him. I went in the room and he was lying in bed crying and I can see him as clear as day reaching his arms out to me. I said "grandpa why are you crying, when are you coming home, don't cry I love you, I want you to come home" and I hugged and kissed him...he just kept crying and couldn't even speak he was so upset then they pulled me away and told me we had to leave and in an instant we were on our way home.

The next thing I knew there were dozens of relatives at my house brining food and talking, laughing, eating....I was so MAD they were having a party and all I wanted to know is where my grandpa was and when he was coming home. I wanted them all to leave and didn't understand what was happening.

My parents never told me when I went to see my grandpa in the hospital that it was the last time I would ever see him because he was dying. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral and my parents never spoke out loud about any of it in my presence. I was left in the dark. I was 7 and the love of my life was gone and nobody bothered to tell me anything.

About 10 years ago we were talking about grandpa and I started sobbing, and asked my mom WHY they never told me he was dying and it would be the last time I would ever see him, why I didn't get to go to the funeral and why she never explained what a wake was to me. I just remember I kept asking "why are they having a party because my grandpa is dead?". She said that back in those days you didn't talk to your kids about things like that.

To this day I can’t think about those last moments I had with him without completely breaking down, even now as I write this. If they had told me he was dying then I would have known he was so sad because he knew he was leaving me and would never see me again and I would have known he loved me so much he didn’t want to let me go.

So in my opinion yes, you be honest with your children and help them through their grief or they will carry it with them the rest of their lives. I didn’t need to see his body or even go to the funeral, but I needed to know he was gone and that he loved me and I needed to know those people in my house were there to remember him because the loved him also, not just because they were having a party.

I still love him now as much as I did then.

After the funeral - No party for me

[ In Reply To ..]
When my dad died I was 31. We went to my uncle's house after the funeral and everyone talked and laughed. Sadly, the only mention of my dad was when I brought something up to remember him. I am not a big fan of get togethers after funerals, but that's just my opinion. At least I was old enough to understand what was going on, but still didn't like it. Your post was very touching. I think children are capable of more than we give them credit for most of the time, and you would have handled it better had you been told.

Funerals - lrlady

[ In Reply To ..]
I just wanted to share my experience. I had a daughter that was stillborn in 1995 and my girls at the time were 3 and 4. My mom got mad at me when I said that my daughters would be attending the funeral. I never yell at my mother but that day I told her that they we my children, this was their sister and they were going and hung up. Well, at the funeral my girls got to finally see their sister, touch her and ask me questions and to this day (they are now 22 and 21) they tell me it is the best thing I could have done for them as they still remember what she looks like and how pretty she looked. Days after the funeral we were at the mall and my 3yo saw a baby in a stroller and had looked in. Then she turned to me and said "she had a hat on just like Charlotte did and had a big smile". That sealed it for me. The memory was there and a good memory and that is all I wanted.

Some of my family members thought I was wrong to have a funeral for her and were afraid to see her as she had Trisomy 18 and had birth defects but after the funeral I was told by so many how good they felt to see her. I think they had these thoughts that she would look strange or different but she was just a pretty little baby girl and I am glad I did what I did.

My father died in February. All of his children, - wannie

[ In Reply To ..]
grandchildren, and great-grandchildren were there except for 2 of his greats because their mother lives several hours away and didn't choose to bring them because of travel distanct. The youngest was 4 years old and the picture of her and her 6-year-old cousin standing at his casket looking at him is one of the sweetest pictures we have. They choose to place tiny Bibles in his hands and I believe that will be a wonderful memory for them in years to come.

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