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Do you consider sexting/online relationships with other women cheating?
Posted: Jul 25, 2013
I do. I caught my husband in a texting relationship/Facebook messages with several different women. He even went on what I consider to be a date (he went over to play guitar with her and she cooked him dinner) with one just a few weeks ago. I suppose one could consider me an idiot for standing by him. However, I do not believe he ever had sexual intercourse or other actions with the women. I have been with him 12 years and I just have a feeling.
I know many blame it on the wife, but in my situation, there WAS something underlying with our situation. His mother died in November and they were incredibly close. He was there when she died. He aspires to be a nationally touring musician and he is not. He is having a hard time dealing with being in his 30s and all of this is just culminating into one big cluster-you know what for him mentally. He does have self esteem issues and a physical deformity so getting attention from these women is a boost for him. I was very clear, I will not tolerate it any longer-I even got divorce papers the last go round. He knows the next time it happens i will go directly to a lawyer. We have a nice life together, a wonderful relationship but I do think sometimes men need an ego boost, especially as the get older.
So please don't think it's totally her fault. She seems to be doing everything she can to help him.
Several different women. He even went on what I consider to be a date (he went over to play guitar with her and she cooked him dinner) with one just a few weeks ago. I suppose one could consider me an idiot for standing by him. However, I do not believe he ever had sexual intercourse or other actions with the women. I have been with him 12 years and I just have a feeling.
I said all of that to say this: There WAS something underlying with our situation. His mother died in November and they were incredibly close. He was there when she died. He aspires to be a nationally touring musician and he is not. He is having a hard time dealing with being in his 30s and all of this is just culminating into one big cluster-you know what for him mentally. He does have self esteem issues and a physical deformity so getting attention from these women is a boost for him. I was very clear, I will not tolerate it any longer-I even got divorce papers the last go round. He knows the next time it happens i will go directly to a lawyer. We have a nice life together, a wonderful relationship but I do think sometimes men need an ego boost, especially as the get older.
So please don't think it's totally her fault. She seems to be doing everything she can to help him.
Several different women. He even went on what I consider to be a date (he went over to play guitar with her and she cooked him dinner) with one just a few weeks ago. I suppose one could consider me an idiot for standing by him. However, I do not believe he ever had sexual intercourse or other actions with the women. I have been with him 12 years and I just have a feeling.
I said all of that to say this: There WAS something underlying with our situation. His mother died in November and they were incredibly close. He was there when she died. He aspires to be a nationally touring musician and he is not. He is having a hard time dealing with being in his 30s and all of this is just culminating into one big cluster-you know what for him mentally. He does have self esteem issues and a physical deformity so getting attention from these women is a boost for him. I was very clear, I will not tolerate it any longer-I even got divorce papers the last go round. He knows the next time it happens i will go directly to a lawyer. We have a nice life together, a wonderful relationship but I do think sometimes men need an ego boost, especially as the get older.
THanks for letting me vent. THe recent scandle has brought up some painful memories. I just needed to talk. Thanks.
sorry double posted..ugh - not my day!
[ In Reply To ..]sorry bout that. I was copying over from the political board.
wow, you're a complete pushover obviously . sm - ExMeridianer
[ In Reply To ..]i cant believe .. first of all, yes, he is cheating on you. you have all the information, all the proof, but you sit there and make every excuse in the world for him. THATS why he cheats on you, because you accept it and rationalize it. If you dont think he laid down with that woman who "just made him dinner" you are completely fooling yourself. and I'm sure shes not the first. Wake up lady. You may think you have a "wonderful companion and wonderful relationship" but it's all a lie. You have nothing. Fill out those papers and get the ball rolling.
If you dont believe me, start contacting and asking these women some questions. you'll get your answers. but you already know the answers, you're just in denial. Sorry if the truth hurts. Certainly you werent expecting anyone to just say "oh there there, he is so obviously completely innocent" did you ? you have caught him red handed. how many more times are you going to sweep it under the rug ? Maybe when he brings home herpes or HIV? gonorrhea? chlamydia? he may have already done so. Get out while the gettin's good.
Your post could have been mine...s/m - beenthere
[ In Reply To ..]I caught my husband on Craigs List 5 months ago "talking" with people. First it was women but the majority of the time, they were sending him links to websites so he switched over to men - yesterday, men.
He said it entertained him talking to these people and messing with them - like setting up meetings and then never showing up. I totally lost it.
Unfortunately, our adult children found out and 1 of them will not speak to him.
I had looked at his emails because we had some things for sale so that's how I found out.
He swore up and down he never met with anyone. He is not very computer savy and thought once he deleted the emails, they were gone forever. What a dumbass.
I went through ALL his emails. I even sset up a fake email account and contacted several people pretending to be him and also pretending to be a friend of his - no one answered me except for 1 person. I sent a pic of my husband to see if they had met him in person, which they said no.
I'm not making excuses for him either. I still am pissed about what he did and how it has affected the rest of my family.
He has been retired for 4 years, gets bored, lost his father 2 years ago, and on and on. I sent him to his family MD who sent him to a therapist who said he had anxiety (which I knew), depression and is still grieving for his dad.
I agree -these men seem to need ego boosts constantly. Well HELLO I'm working all week and don't have time to hold someone's hand because they feel like crap.
I know I share some of this blame - we were living like roommates instead of husband and wife.
We have been married 36 years. Kinda hard to just throw it all away, but I watched my mom put up with my dad for 3 years before she finally kicked him out (he was having affairs) and my husband knows that if this ever happens again, I am outta here. I can support myself and don't need a man.
I still check his emails every morning and at night through my computer (he doesn't know this) and I also check the cell phone online for any calls that I don't know the # of.
The first time ANYTHING else happens, I'm gone - w/out a note - just gone.
Gone - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]Why wait to leave? Sounds like you have a foot out the door already? I can't imagine living day to day not trusting my husband. The second I feel I can't trust him I will be gone.
Are you just waiting for something to turn up so you have an excuse to leave?
thank you for that. Nice to find someone who understands - OPm
[ In Reply To ..]Thank you for your story. It is easy for others to sit in judgement but when you have kids, a mortgage, multiple vehicles and over a decade of memories together it is hard to just throw it away over 6 months of someone losing their mind a little.
As far as the emails, I have found deleted texts so yeah they are pretty stupid with that, you can't really delete everything.
He now leaves his phone out all the time for me to check. I do hesitate and I have not checked in weeks, I do not want that gutwrenching feeling like have had for months. He is very honest and open with me and hes i am all up in his grill with it, about where he goes and such. I think the point people miss is often these men are either not smart enough to get away with it or they don't really want to. Hard to say which!
i had kids, mtg, multiple vehicles, and 17 yrs of memories.... sm - ExMeridianer
[ In Reply To ..]and walked away, took some time to untie all of that but it was done within 9 months or 10 months. LIfe is too short to settle for crap.
so yes, I am judging because I've lived it to an extent.
PS: meeting in person is not "online dating" sm - ExMeridianer
[ In Reply To ..]come onnnnn girl. please snap out of it. your post has me so sad and sickened. do you consider it cheating if you go on a physical date while married to someone else is what you should have asked. GUH!!! ding ding ding.. come on!
Yes, I would consider it cheating--sm - anon
[ In Reply To ..]I think that I would have an easier time getting over a one night stand than if my husband were engaging in multiple interactions with other women, in other words, if he were dveloping a relationship of sorts.
If I were in your shoes, I would go beyond just saying hey, happens again, I am outta here. I think if you really want to make this relationship work, then counselling is in order, as a couple for certain and then maybe individually, especially if this is a recurring thing. This is something that has to be worked through if you are going to grow as a couple and reach a new level of understanding in your relationship.
I would also consider having him be tested for STDs, just in case. My DH knows that if he ever does anything that there is a chance I could forgive and we could move on but he is not getting back into my bed unless he has seen a doctor and been tested.
Oh for God's sake, you are getting played... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]get rid of this bum with "self-esteem issues" before you get too old to enjoy your life! Any time he spends away from you with another woman who is NOT a member of his family is just plain wrong. Geez, what is it with some women these days? You really have to ask if his behavior is wrong? If you had a daughter and she had this problem what advice would you give her?
Yes, I consider it cheating - sm
[ In Reply To ..]You say not to blame her, as it is not "totally her fault." No, it's mostly his fault. There is a possibility she is not aware he is married (although, it is a very slim possibility). The other thing you said that got my attention was "I will not tolerate it any longer-I even got divorce papers the last go round." Which means this has happened before, he has had at least a one second chance already.
When it comes to women, I have never met a smart man. Regardless of age, physical appearance or education, if you give them a few compliments, puff up their feather, they all turn into blithering idiots!
Here is the most important question you should be asking yourself, do you want to live your life this way? Do you want to watch him over your shoulder for the rest of your life? Kids, house, cars can all be sorted out. You will still have your 12 years of memories. Just keep in mind this memory will stay with you also, deep down you may never trust him again. I'm sure you deserve better.
that was really sweet, thank you, I truly appreciate it. - OP
[ In Reply To ..]Thank you for being kind. this is hard enough without harsh words from some of those on here.
To be totally honest, i was not entirely sure it was considered cheating until the scandal broke the last couple of days. Then every expert on there says, oh yes, this is cheating and that the man needs professional help. I do believe my husband feels in his heart it is not cheating but more or less throwing around sex appeal to get people to buy his album on iTunes and come to the shows. But it hurts. No I honestly don't want to go on like this. He has a booked weekend and I would rather stab my eyes out than go out all weekend but I do feel like I have to babysit him. I'm 35, I don't drink, don't smoke and hate bars! But the time at home we have is fun, all of are interests are identical. We both live in a very conservative part of the country and we agree on our non religious spiritual beliefs, which is extremely rare and hard to find.
Needless to say, there is a lot to sort out. I have to weigh it and decide. Things are good right now. Like I said this was weeks ago and we have been doing good so far. It's just the whole scandal got me thinking about things again, like tearing off a scab.
I appreciate you listening and value your advice.
Yes. (nm) - Betty Rubble
[ In Reply To ..]x
Yes. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Something happened similar to my sister recently (similar age range). She found lots of texts to a girl he worked with. It's nothing... just emotional support. So they went on with their life... Fast forward 4 months. It actually is physical. She kicked him out. Filed for divorce. He didn't really think she'd do it... so strange to see. You deserve better. You know what you need to do.
one question to ask yourself - married to a musician
[ In Reply To ..]If he is doing anything behind your back that he wouldn't do with you right there, then it's cheating.
I've been around musicians all my life. My dad was a musician, cheated on my mom all the time. She told me to stay away from musicians, they'll break your heart. The first time I had a date with one, she told me not to go out with him. I didn't know he was at the time, he was just the cute guy who lived across the street. We were together for a couple of years when he started cheating. I was working second shift in a factory and couldn't go to some of the gigs. Some girl put the moves on him and he went for it. When I found out what was going on, it literally made me sick to my stomach. I moved out, and no amount of begging on his part was bringing me back. The trust was broken, and I didn't want to live in fear of it happening again. Just not worth it.
I think there's something about people who are in the entertainment biz. They get a high from being onstage, seeing people cheering and clapping and loving what they do. I think this may be why many of them end up cheating. Once they walk off the stage and the applause stops, they still want that ego boost, that "fix." It's like a drug addiction.
I'm married to a musician now. I go to most of the gigs, not because I feel like I have to keep an eye on him, but because I love watching him play. He's very good, and his band is really good, too. If you feel like you have to go to keep an eye on him, that's the wrong reason and will make both of you feel miserable. My husband's ex-wife never went (which played a part in their split) and she hated that he continued to play in a band.
We've been together over 10 years now, and I trust him completely. I know I don't have to worry about what he's doing when I'm not with him, and he doesn't have to worry about me.
I noticed that you are making a lot of excuses for his behavior. That's a normal response to what's happening. You want to think that there's nothing wrong, or that he was just going through a phase, or whatever. You mention this woman whose house he went to. Umm, why weren't you invited? Like I said at the beginning, if he's doing something behind your back that he wouldn't do with you there, then it's cheating. You need to take a long, hard look at your relationship. Is he willing to be totally transparent in all of his actions in order to win back your trust? Do you want to live your life always wondering what he's doing when you can't see him?
Don't blame yourself for his actions. Whatever he does is HIS choice. And you can't force someone to be faithful, and you can't watch him 24/7. By the same token, you also have a choice. You can choose to stay with him and work together on fixing whatever is wrong in the relationship, or you can choose to move on.
I hope that whatever you decide to do, that you find happiness and peace in your life.
It is DEFINITELY cheating. - weighing in
[ In Reply To ..]You seem more satisfied with the fact that you don't "think" he has had sex and are ignoring that he still is cheating. Everybody's different, but for ME, I would be MORE upset if my husband was forming "relationships" of sort with people, rather than if he just got drunk at a bar and had a one night stand. Neither is a good scenario, but you sit back and wait to leave, make excuses for him, etc., and really he is just setting himself up so that he can be the one to leave. If these relationships were all innocent, then he could have explained them to you.
I understand - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I did kind of the same thing, years ago. Husband and I had issues, my self-esteem was really low at the time, I was going through some sort of depressive episode and I started talking to people online who were in different states than me. I was talking to men, they were boosting my self-esteem and I just felt happier.
I actually never got to the point where I met any of them, although a man drove 1000 miles to meet me, but I wouldn't meet him. I realized what I was doing was wrong and even though I was just "talking" it was cheating in a sense. When you have been with someone so long, it's hard when someone else gives you that "new attention" not to desire it, but I realized that even though these other people gave me instant gratification or whatever, my husband was the one that was with me through everything and I didn't want to lose that.
One thing is, when you talk to people online, you can be ANYBODY you want to be. You don't have to talk about what day the mortgage is due or if the kids need new shoes or is the laundry caught up. For me, it made me not feel like the "wife/mother" but more just like ME, a person. BUT, being a wife/mother is what I love and in the end I realized it before it was too late.
Sounds like your husband has already crossed some lines and rather than just telling him one more time and you're out the door, tell him you understand what he is doing and ask if maybe there is something you can do that will help him. I don't know, not sure my husband could have helped me through whatever I was going through at the time, but good luck to you.
That's pretty much what happened with my husband. - beenthere
[ In Reply To ..]The attention from other people. It's sad that after being together for so long, you take the other for granted. We were living like roommates. I worked all day (he's retired due to a disability), then made dinner which we ate in front of the news, then I usually went into another room to watch tv while he watched sports.
We were even at the point that we didn't kiss goodnight anymore.
So I accept some blame in what he did. If we had been closer, this would never have happened. After therapy and more talking and opening up to each other than we have ever done in 35 years of marriage, we now are honest with each other regarding feelings.
Have I forgiven him? Sort of. I have trust issues going back to my father and how he treated me for years, so it will take awhile. But I do love him and love what we had years ago before this mess happened.
The worse part of this entire mess is that 1 of our daughters hacked his email and read most of them. She still will not speak to him. Therapist said she needs to talk to her dad and try to come to an understanding to try and repair their relationship. this is causing major stress for me, putting me in the middle of this.
I did the same thing too - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Started talking to guys online and it's like was said above, I was married around 10 years at the time and when talking to people online it feels like the initial "dating period" with someone, when that person is eager to get to know you, asking you your favorite movie, favorite song, life stories, etc. With me, I worked from home for so long, so I got little interaction with ANYONE other than my husband and kids, so when other people were taking interest in me and like someone said, talking about things other than the usual household talk, it made me intrigued and I actually got pretty serious talking to a guy online. I ended up feeling bad, telling the husband and we got through it, I never met the guy or anything.
nice to hear from a woman's perspective - on the intrigue
[ In Reply To ..]Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you worked it out with your husband!
A lot of people's husband probably do it and - they just dont know about..sm
[ In Reply To ..]it. Alot of people here may call it cheating and yes, I would agree it is. But can you imagine how many men out there are on-line checking out these porn sites and having on-line sex with these women, getting their fantasies met? Sounds gross, I know, but lets get real here - It happens. Many might say "oh, not my husband" but yes, your husband too. How many men are going to tell their wives they are having on-line sex?...just keeping it real. Im sure your husband is not the only one.
I am sure they do, most women don't want to find out though - ignorance is bliss
[ In Reply To ..]x
Just remember those words of wisdom - BTDT
[ In Reply To ..]You deserve the kind of treatment you will accept.
That's cheating in my book... - anonymouse
[ In Reply To ..]Sexting and talking online and all that is wrong. If he has to hide it from you there is a reason. Going to another woman's home or meeting them is not acceptable. He is cheating. His mom dying is not excuse either.
If a person does something they feel they must hide from their spouse, - it's never a good thing.
[ In Reply To ..]In fact, anyone who is married and is "talking" to members of the opposite sex online only needs to ask themselves if they would be fine with their spouse seeing the content of all their communication. If the answer is "no," they know damn well it's wrong. I'm sure your husband would think it was cheating if the situation were reversed.
It's all up to you, OP - Not A Weiner
[ In Reply To ..]He's a musician, throwing around sex appeal as you say to get people to buy his tunes and go to the shows, has some "esteem problem", his mother dies and he was close to her and with her when she died, yada, yada, yada.
The bottom line, as I read it, is that the guy is a musician with a penchant for women, and people in the music business with a penchant for women usually do not stop doing what they are doing, so you either tolerate that type of lifestyle or you don't, but please do yourself a favor. The guy has no esteem problem, a mother problem or any other such nonsense.
He's a musician that likes the chicks, and enjoys throwing his sex appeal out there.
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Something that's easy to follow, for a returning/beginning reader to get back into it. I want to start reading again, be able to look up things by subject, and so on. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks. ...
OK Abortion Law: Details To Be Publicly Posted OnlineOct 15, 2009
Oklahoma Abortion Law: Details To Be Publicly Posted OnlineThe Huffington Post | Elyse Siegel First Posted: 10- 8-09 11:05 AM | Updated: 10- 8-09 03:28 PM A new Oklahoma law requires physicians to disclose detailed information on women's abortions to the State's Department Of Health, which will then post the collected data on a public website. The controversial measure comes into effect on November 1 and will cost $281,285 to implement, $256,285 each subsequent year to maintain. Oklaho ...
George Soros Pushing Online Voting...Sep 10, 2016
seeking to expand the use of electronic and online voting systems nationwide, according to a leaked Foundations document reviewed by Breitbart News. While the directive was issued two years ago, the issue of electronic voting has become a hot button topic in this year’s presidential election amid fears digital voting systems can be compromised. The online voting plan was contained in a 67-page hacked file detailing the September 29-30, 2014 Open Society U.S. Programs board meeting in New Y ...
Keeping An Eye On Online Test-Takers. One More StepMar 03, 2013
New technology eventually bringing education hopefully more affordable--and better--than ever before. I'm also wondering if it could also someday affect us working at home, but that's another issue. March 2, 2013 Keeping an Eye on Online Test-Takers By ANNE EISENBERG MILLIONS of students worldwide have signed up in the last year for MOOCs, short for massive open online courses — those free, Web-based classes available to one and all and taught by professo ...
Consumers Insist That They Treasure Their Online Privacy. But Mar 31, 2013
Intriguing experiments by Alessandro Acquisti, a behavioral economist, suggest that people often reveal more than they mean to online. By SOMINI SENGUPTA Published: March 30, 2013 ¶SAY you’ve come across a discount online retailer promising a steal on hand-stitched espadrilles for spring. You start setting up an account by offering your e-mail address — but before you can finish, there’s a ping on your phone. A text message. You read it and respond, then retu ...
National Review Online Being Sued For Defamation Jul 24, 2013
NRO being sued by climate scientist, Michael Mann. "Mann has been the target of numerous investigations into his work and has been cleared of any wrongdoing every time. Since some of these investigations were prompted by NRO [National Review Online] and CEI [Competitive Enterprise Institute], they had to know he was cleared of academic fraud, yet they continued to accuse him of it. Oops." "Unsurprisingly, both the NRO and CEI were unhappy with this and tried to block the lawsuit using SLAP ...
CIA Publishes 12 Million Declassified Documents Online. Jan 18, 2017
Are you a history buff who wants to learn more about the Bay of Pigs, Vietman, or the A-11 Oxcart? Have stories about spies fascinated you? You can find these answers at the link provided. ...
Russia Steps Up Propaganda Push With OnlineMay 29, 2015
ST. PETERSBURG, Russia — Deep inside a four-story marble building in St. Petersburg, hundreds of workers tap away at computers on the front lines of an information war, say those who have been inside. Known as "Kremlin trolls," the men and women work 12-hour shifts around the clock, flooding the Internet with propaganda aimed at stamping President Vladimir Putin's world vision on Russia, and the world. The Kremlin has always dabbled in propaganda, but in the past year its troll campai ...
Hillary Falls Behind 3rd Party Candidates On ABC Online SurveySep 28, 2016
http://www.chicksontheright.com/hillary-clinton-falls-behind-third-party-candidates-abcs-online-survey/ Trump 55% 59,439 votes Stein 19% 11,426 votes Johnson 15% 9148 votes Hillary 10% 6233 votes If this is not embarrassing for Hillary, I don't know what is. ...