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Divorce questions, advice appreciated
Posted: Jan 15, 2012
I will be married 32 years next month and never seriously considered divorcing my husband although in the past we did talk about it a couple times during rough times. I thought we came through everything and had a stable and successful marriage. However, my husband has interests I don't share, such as drinking, partying, poker, hanging out with his friends, etc. Over time I came to accept and expect that and just figured he had a bit of a Peter Pan syndrome where he never would grow up. I accepted him as he was. Three years ago I became very ill and nearly died. I had lots of treatments, chemo, etc. and am over that now, thankfully. But, when that happened my husband started staying away from home on the weekends to do things with his friends and kept talking about a bucket list of things he wants to do before he dies. Said seeing me nearly die reminded him how close he is to death, being five years older, and feels he needs to get out and enjoy life and that did not include me because I would just hold him back, wouldn't be able to keep up and don't care for his interests anyway. Well, here's the thing now. He has apparently made plans (I kind of saw that coming) and wants a divorce and is making plans along that line. He has offered to give me the house and continue paying on it till paid off. I am fearful of being homeless and he says he doesn't want to hurt me. I never would have hurt him. My questions is does anyone out there who has more experience than me (he's the only man I've ever known) and been through anything like this think I could actually trust him to make the house payments after a divorce? What can I leagally do to make sure that he does in fact hold true to doing this one thing? I worry now if he breaks a leg and can't work, then he couldn't pay it and I would get foreclosed on and then homeless. Any thoughts would be welcome.
;
just a thought - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Get this agreement in writing and approved by the court upon completion of divorce. If he truly does not want to hurt you, and intends to fulfill this kind of agreement, then he would not mind refinancing the loan in HIS name, paying off the house and deeding it over to you. Is this possible?
Get him to pay for your lawyer..NOW! - Beentheredonethat
[ In Reply To ..]If he truly *does not want to hurt you* although he has already, hire a lawyer and dear sweet guy can pay for it.
He might pay but only until he gets a new girlfriend. Every watch - Judge Judy. I wouldnt even want SM
[ In Reply To ..]him to refinance in his own name cause you know guys, once the UNIT starts to get involved, he wont care about you, his credit rating, his bank acct, etc. Either payments will dry up or if it is in his name, what if new girlfriend want to move in? You will be out in a second. Talk to lawyer ASAP about what you need to do to protect yourself.
More Advice - Been there - Gerri
[ In Reply To ..]Just another word of advice. Make sure you check out all of his assets -- if he has a savings account, if he will receive a pension when he reires, etc. In my state, after 10 years of marriage, I should be receiving a child's share (1/4th of his pension), and due to not knowing this, I signed a separation agreement that mentioned nothing about a pension. Therefore, Ms. Wonderful (his present wife and girlfriend while we were still married and living together) is receiving everything.
In answer to your question - ...
[ In Reply To ..]No, you cannot trust him to pay for the house. What you can do legally is get a lawyer to draw up a proper divorce agreement, and get the court to order house payments/alimony, etc.
People love to "promise" that they will do a given thing, but unless it is court-ordered, you can and will be out of luck when he changes his mind.
Plus, get your lawyer to make your husband pay all lawyer fees.
Once the house is paid off can you afford the maintenance? - Happy MT Robin
[ In Reply To ..]Like the other posters have said, get his agreement to continue paying for the house in writing and make it part of the divorce decree and something that is court ordered. That's the only way you will be able to have any recourse if (when?) he changes his mind.
The other thing that occurred to me is, once the house is paid off, can you afford the property taxes, insurance, utilities, upkeep, etc. by yourself? I live alone, so these are all things that I deal with all the time.
Another thought might be to sell the house and get something smaller that you can manage and maintain on your own and have soon to be ex-hubby agree to make any payments on that if the sale of your house doesn't cover it. That way, if something happens to him, or God forbid, he does die, you aren't left hanging with something that is beyond you.
Sell the house - A friend
[ In Reply To ..]This recently happened to my friend except she had 3 kids under 12. Her ex was to make the house payment as part of the divorce decree. She was to keep up with utilities and maintenance. The dirtbag ex gets a girlfriend with kids and buys another house, cannot afford two houses, and quits paying for his exwife's house. The house goes into foreclosure because she does earn enough to make the house payment. The court does nothing either. She is suing her ex now. In the meantime, she and her kids moved across the country to start over and ex husband counter sued for full custody when she moved. It is a mess!
My advice would be to sell the house and split any profit, or keep the cash yourself. Get a tiger for a lawyer too and make your husband pay for being an a-hole. You sound like a beautiful lady. Glad you are doing better with your health.
Sorry-should read "does NOT earn enough"...nm - A friend
[ In Reply To ..]Nm
I agree with selling the house if you can and - getting the cash.
[ In Reply To ..]If I were sick I would want something very manageable and affordable and secure that was ALL MINE, especially if the person who was responsible for paying the bills had already proven himself to be a total D-bag!
Agree w/above and suggest looking - mthead
[ In Reply To ..]at townhouses if and when you're ready to move. You pay a monthly fee and your lawn maintenance, snow plowing, and in most cases exterior maintenance is covered by that fee. You won't need a man around unless you want one :-)
I'm not a realtor, but I've lived in houses, apartments, and townhomes and like the townhomes the best. They're generally cheaper than houses but I don't think they appreciate as well as homes do, at least not in my market. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best of luck.
Two of a Kind - just venting - Gerri
[ In Reply To ..]Get a lawyer and have him pay for your lawyer. Also, if there is a separation agreement, do not sign it until it is checked over by a reparable attorney who is representing you. Make sure, if he has a pension, when he retires you get your fair share. Also, by all means, have something in writing that he pays for your health insurance. There are lots of issues that he has not yet addressed to you. I know -- I've been there.
MY ex (dirt bag that he was) moved in with his girlfriend, left me with three kids (ages 11, 14 and 15), and paid $75.00 less per week child support than he should have (I found out too late after signing the separation agreement) -- also found out with his salary and the situation I could have gotten $1,000 a month alimony. I worked as a real estate broker and only received any money when I sold property. We had two other kids that were grown and on their own. He never visited his children, told me they were no longer his responsibility and that he could not help us because Ms. Wonderful (the girlfriend) would not let him. Ms. Wonderful, by the way, was married 4 times before him. They finally married and she left him for another man. He married a really nice woman after her who was great to my/our kids. But, this lady had medical problems and only lived 5 years. Two weeks after she died, Ms. Wonderful moved back in with him. Two or three years later they finally remarried after she caught him in bed with her niece -- probably remarriage was the only way she would stay. Two of a kind!!
Thank you all for your words of wisdom - Getting Worried
[ In Reply To ..]I really appreciate your help and words of wisdom, I will keep them in mind and try to protect myself. I am really feeling trapped about this. I don't even have a car so I can't go out and look for an outside job for more money and I am desperately trying to hold onto my MT job, but was told I need to increase lines. I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Still, I appreciate you all reaching out to me with your advice. I truly needed it and am thankful.
Make sure the attorney is female... - Bindi
[ In Reply To ..]I hate to show a gender bias here but, if it were me, I would feel much more comfortable with a female attorney handling my case. Hopefully, there should be a deeper level of understanding and empathy that a male attorney isn't as capable of supplying.
no way... men fight more fierce - women are babies
[ In Reply To ..]I had a male attorney and the first thing he said is "Do you want me to be a (male private part) or do you want me to be fair?"
Men are heartless.
I have to vehemently disagree. I had a male - sm
[ In Reply To ..]attorney and, regardless of what I told him, he was still on the ex's side!! He was a jerk!
then you should have fired him from the first - time you figured out he was a jerk
[ In Reply To ..]Why would you pay someone to take your ex's side?
You must have no clue how things work in that regard! - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Because he HAD MY MONEY. Oh yah...I forgot... I am MADE OF MONEY!! DUH!!!
did you pay up front? - yes I do know how it works
[ In Reply To ..]Even if you did pay up front, he can only use what he worked for and then you get reimbursed. The retainer fee is usually 500 to 1000, and if he does not use it, he has to refund it. Also, they usually bill as you go. I dont understand how he had all your money. Even if you gave him 10,000, he can only bill you for work he did and the rest would be refunded.
The whole DUH comment was not necessary!
My now ex was the kind of guy that I thought would - sm
[ In Reply To ..]never do anything to hurt me or the kids. I was completely wrong. He has done everything in his power to hurt us. I did not see any mention of kids (skimmed over), but whatever you do, act like he is going to screw you over bigtime. I tried everything to get along with my ex and he is still pulling crap 6 years after the divorce, from stealing thousands of dollars from me to brainwashing my kids against me and doing the parental alienation thing where he would not let my kids contact me for a week at a time. you have to be prepared for any possibility regardless what he says.
exactly... but here is what I dont understand - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Most states have a 50/50 policy and no fault divorce. This means you get half debt, half assets and it does not matter how the divorce came to be.
She may get "alimony which is not called maintenance" depending on the years married and the level of income difference, however, if she is depending on that to pay mortgage, she can get into big trouble. If he does not pay, it takes a LONG time to get a court date and then they allow him time to "purge himself" meaning bring the balance up to date, and then that can get dragged out for over a year. Who will pay the mortgage in the meantime?
My ex got away with not paying child support for 3 years before they finally ordered back pay plus current. Big whoop... for 3 years my kids needed to eat.
She needs to plan on supporting herself with just her income and if he pays money, that is a bonus.
Additionally, hiring attorneys to divide up half only costs more money. If there is a way do to it between them, they need to. Just agree to use the money for themselves and not get caught up in anger. It is a choice.
divorce - memt
[ In Reply To ..]First of all, to the OP I just want to say that I am sorry you are going through this!!
I'm not going to give advice because I have yet to be in a divorce situation (but may be coming soon). I also feel that you really never know what you will do in a situation unless/until you are in such a situation. That being said, I agree that there will probably be a 50/50 situation with debts and assets. However, if he agrees to pay whatever, then it needs to be stated in the divorce decree. Unfortunately, that dosn't mean that he will come through and actually do what he is supposed to, thus creating more trouble for you and legal action against him. Also agree with above that you MUST be able to take care of yourself in the event that he chooses to go against the agreement, which sadly happens all too often and it is usually the woman that ends up in the poor house.
I've been thinking about divorce in my own situation and I have to say that I would not try to take care of it without an attorney even though it will cost more. There are just too many legalities that I would not feel comfortable with and I would not trust my spouse to be honest in any of the settlement agreements.
I hope that things will work in your favor and that your husband can be true to his word.
Just a suggestion - been there
[ In Reply To ..]Interview at least 3 attorneys. I know it takes a little time but it will be worth it in the long run. The consultations should be free and you will get a feel of how they will handle the case. You should be led in the same direction as to their plan of action by all 3 and it will give you an idea of what you want to ask for, insist upon, etc.
Good Luck, but in the long run I think you will find yourself a happier person, it just takes time to adjust to all the changes you will go through.
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