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Divorce

Posted: Oct 29, 2010

I want a divorce from my husband but am so scared regarding finances that it's preventing me from doing it. We've been married 18 years, 2 teenage children, nice home. He makes good money and carries the health insurance. I've been doing this for 10+ years. He is a drinker and I think he is an alcoholic. He's never been physically violent with us, but he does scream and bitch about whatever pops into his drunken mind, and just randomly comes up with garbage to yell about. He does not talk about anything that might be bothering him when sober, but when he drinks that's when he brings everything up and that's when he decides he should try to get involved with the kids. It's like he keeps everything bottled up and then if he's really stressed at work and drinking, anything/everything that he might be irritated about at home all comes out, but because he's drunk it just seems random and off the wall. I am basically always home, working and just being a mom/wife. The only time I do anything is 99% of the time with him, and that has become quite rare because I can't deal with his drinking. He is like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He's a decent guy when sober, but does such stupid crap when he's drunk. He's embarrassing and I am ashamed of what he does. It makes me nauseous when he comes home drunk, my anxiety builds up and up, and my heart starts racing because I just don't know what he's going to start in on. The kids are sick of seeing it and dealing with it, and I know this because they have told me. In a drunken rampage, he threatened to just leave us and never come back...I told him, please do because we're all sick of the drunken BS. I've talked to him sober and told him I think he is an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking, but like any addict, he doesn't see any problem and has no intention whatsoever of giving up his alcohol (mostly beer). He seems to think that if we got divorced, I would get nothing from him and he would just be rid of me. With the MT job situation being the way it is, I'm so afraid that in the future I will be out of a job and not have enough money to support myself or my kids. I'm having trouble concentrating on work because all I think about is how badly I want out of this situation and wish I could just pack up and leave with the kids. I've considered counseling, but the only way anything is going to change is if he quits drinking and he will not do that. I have a couple friends that I talk to about this; one has been through a divorce with kids and says it is horrible ordeal and that I really need to think about it. Well, I've been thinking for years and I just keep coming to the same conclusion, I want out but am extremely scared of losing the financial stability.

Anyone that may have been in this situation, any advice/support/input would be greatly appreciated.

;

Been there - The anaglog kid

[ In Reply To ..]
I was in your exact same shoes 17 years ago, although not an MT. Got the divorce, lost the house, was broke with 2 kids. The day I realized I would rather live in my car with the kids than live another day with him was the day I decided to get out. Your kids know who and what he is, they will be your greatest support.

It took a long time, but I was able to recover, buy a small house for us, and have some quiet in our lives. I owed the kids that, at least. I am now remarried (to a non-drinker) and lead a stable life. Some might call it boring, but after a topsy-turvy life with a drunk, I can say I am now happy.

Good luck to you, let us know how you are doing...

You need to take a look at YOURSELF! - Been There Done That

[ In Reply To ..]
You simply can not control what another person does. You only have control of your own actions. Everyone's situation is different, and this is only an opinion for you to consider whether you agree with it or not. Take a look at yourself. The lack of money never killed anyone. What are you so afraid of? Isn't 18 years of this enough? What kind a role model are you being for your kids? Are they blaming you for keeping them in this situation? Obviously, they have offered you their support. Is that not enough? You need to get yourself and your kids out of this situation now, and work on the marriage later if that is going to be possible.

The first thing you do is go to counseling for YOU. Later take the kids along for family counseling on how to deal with the situation no matter which way it goes. You need counseling right this very minute. You need to work on your self-esteem, your happiness with yourself, and develop a sense of power and determination to work through this. I don't think you have that and a sense of power and high self-esteem will be needed for you to carry through with what you obviously need to do for yourself and your kids. A good counselor will help you and guide you, and explain many options to you.

When my spouse became abusive, I knew I had waited too long because I was worried about finances. I left with 2 small children, my car, and $17 in my pocket. I had to live with my parents for 2-3 months. I took him to court and received child support. I got an apartment and furnished it with items from Goodwill. I was a wreck. I worried constantly about money and kept thinking how in the world am I going to do this? I kept saying that over and over for 6-12 months, and then I woke up one day and said, "I AM DOING IT." We did not have the best of everything but we were happy. I did not feel threatened and my children were no longer afraid. I did not care about the money problems because the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

If you do not see your husband changing, then you have to. For yourself and for your children. Don't let them lay blame on you as well for their unhappy lives. Please take the first action of going to a counselor and then get the rest of your game plan down. There is nothing to be afraid of except living the rest of your life like this. You are not alone. So many women have walked this path before you, and there are many who will walk it with you. I wish you all the strength, power, and luck in the world. If you have made up your mind, you are going to be surprised at what good things life holds in store for you. Take care.

Wake Up Call - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
Don't let yourself be a victim. Why do you think you deserve this?

One day I was talking to a file clerk in my office. She was not a very bright person but she was very sweet and I liked her. All she said to me was, "You don't deserve this." For some reason, that was my wake up call. I looked at this girl, who I never considered to be very bright, and I said, "You're right." Turns out, she was much smarter than me and she made me feel like a fool. I changed my life right then and there.

Step one - get to an Al-Anon meeting sm - ChiliDawg

[ In Reply To ..]
The poster who said you can't change anyone but yourself is right. However, Al-Anon will teach you some coping skills on dealing with your spouse's drinking. Then you can begin to make an informed choice on whether or not to leave. It sounds like he uses booze for stress relief; possibly he can change if he wants to and if he sees you are serious.

Best wishes to you in making a positive life change, whatever you decide to do.

I lived through a similar situation, but not as the wife... - anon for this

[ In Reply To ..]
as the child. What I know is that it eventually did blow up, when I was 25. The divorce was really really nasty and I still get put in the middle of my parents. My mom ended up cheating, which I have tried, but cannot forgive. I can't understand why she couldn't be strong enough to leave on her own. My parents fights got worse and worse and worse, to the point that my father was not just blowing up when he was drunk, but regularly and more violently every time (he never hit anyone, but would get scary mad screaming and name calling). My mother would act passive-aggressively toward my dad and provoke him on purpose. My dad slept on the couch for probably 15 years, if not longer. I really wish that they had split up before it got so bad, when courts would have told my brother and with whom to live and we would not have been put in the position of both of our parents wanting us to take sides. My mother still believes that everything was my father's fault because of drinking and refuses to see that she played a big role in how things went. My father still believes that it all went downhill because my mother cheated and refuses to see that it was bad well before that. I lost a lot of respect for both of my parents, though I still love them both very much. Please try not to do this to your children. I am sure that they love both you and their father. I really wish that my parents could have just dealt with their own stuff without constantly blaming each other and trying to force my brother and I to do the same. I guess I learned at an early age that my parents are people and make mistakes. I do not think that they were bad parents, but I know that I will never stay in a relationship with as much fighting and nastiness as they did. It only serves to harm my children. I know that divorce is rough on children, but you cannot imagine how rough the constant screaming and yelling is. I, of course, as a child did not want my parents to divorce, but as an adult, I realize that it would have been better and I wish that they would have been able to make the adult decisions. My mother still swears that she only stayed because I wanted her to. I think that is ridiculous, especially given that she did not leave until 7 years after I moved out. She really needs to take responsibility for her actions. She was the adult and I was the child. Sorry for the rambling and good luck!

Anon for this post serves as a reminder that sometimes divorce is easier on the kids. - than all the fighting. NM

[ In Reply To ..]
X

I decided to leave my ex - husband

[ In Reply To ..]
a year before I actually physically left him.

Abuse is abuse, hon.

You don't deserve it. However you can get out, get out.

Thank you to everyone! nm - Distraught

[ In Reply To ..]
.

We must be married to the same man - Dallas

[ In Reply To ..]
I've called mine Jekyl and Hyde for years and left last year about this time but after four months was literally starving so I came back. My parents were divorced and it was fine with me. My mom was a very strong person and that assured me things were fine. I'm planning on finding a job somewhere in an office when I can and then I will leave but I can't make a living off this work alone.

Same thing also... - Distraught

[ In Reply To ..]
You're life sounds a little like mine. My parents too were divorced and I don't remember it ever bothering me. In my eyes, things were fine growing up without my dad around. Isn't is just amazing how different they can be. Everybody changes when they drink alcohol, but boy oh boy what a difference in him. Even others have commented to me what a different person he is. He's just a moron when he drinks, but him being a normal, nice person sober, makes it hard also. But I haven't forgotten everything he's done. I came close to leaving a few years back, went to an attorney for a consult, told him about it, we talked and came to some agreements, but slowly that has gone down the drain. Divorce is just always in the back of my mind. It sucks!

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