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To divorce or not to divorce

Posted: May 24, 2010

I need some advice. I am an MT who works at home, and I do not have many friends since I work from home and take care of my kids. I have been married for 8 years now but my husband recently started going out to the bars, not calling me, not coming home until after bars close, etc. I am not a complete stick in the mud, but I believe that if you are married with children, what business do you have to be out in a bar until 2 in the morning?? Worse, he doesn't even call me when he decides to "go out" so half the time I am wondering if he will come home from work on time or if he will not be home until 2 in the morning, not knowing if he is dead or alive, etc. This has been going on for quite some time. I feel that he is taking advantage of me b/c he knows I am home to take care of the kids, etc. He blames it on him "working hard", working at a job with no air conditioning, etc. Today he called me and told me that he wanted to quit his job b/c he wanted to do what he wants to do. Obviously with an MT salary and him working in a factory we need his income to survive the bills that keep piling up. I resent him a lot for what he has done to me, and have a lot of built up anger towards him, but I am scared to be on my own or take the step moving on with my life. I am worried how it will affect my young children (both under the age of 5), I am worried about no interaction since I work from home, etc. Do you think it is time to cut ties and go on to live me life?? I guess I don't have much self esteem. TIA

;

Well, it would be one less mouth to feed (sm) - SAM

[ In Reply To ..]
Sorry to sound harsh, but if he's going to sit around on his duff at bars (which if he's not working means YOUR salary gets to pay for, BTW), not help you around the home, and not help with the kids, either, I'd say he's going to be just another mouth for you to worry about feeding. Perhaps divorce may be a bit rash, but I'd certainly tell him you want a legal separation (so everything is legally documented in case you do end up divorcing him). This might open up his eyes a bit that you're serious and mean business.

I'm the sole provider in my household, but my husband does everything the traditional "housewife" does, so he more than earns his keep. He's chef, housekeeper, errand runner, accountant/bookkeeper, and keeps all of our financial balls in the air and makes sure nothing drops.

But a husband who won't work, won't help around the house, won't help with the kids, AND wants to hang out with his buddies at the bar til 2 a.m.?

Does the phrase "kick him to the curb" ring any bells?

Time to help your man screw his head back on straight. Good luck and keep us posted!

Try some counseling. It sounds like you do not love - him anymore though or do you?

[ In Reply To ..]
Many times I see where marriages fail because people think "oh this is not what I signed up for?" Well, really it is what you signed up for in all honesty especially bringing children into it.

However, I have a solution for you in addition to the counseling. Find some friends and give him a taste of his own medicine!!!! He will either wake up and smell the coffee or he can pay for the divorce. You should do your own thing and tell him that is what you are doing.

Do not let a man just be one-sided like that; put on your big girl pants and tell him you are going out and have no clue when you will get home. You have to know someone that will go out at least once or twice or go out on your own even if you go and sit in a park somewhere. He helped make them; he can help take care of them.

Just my honest opinion! You need to take some control and I think you already know that by reading your post! Good luck to you!

I don't know if I love him anymore...if that makes sense - Original Poster

[ In Reply To ..]
Honestly, I don't know if I really love him anymore....the things he is doing make me have such a hatred in my heart, he only thinks of himself. But, he is the father of my children. I have thought about kicking him to the curb for awhile, but I honsetly cannot support myself and my 2 kids on an MT salary. I will lose everything (believe me, we are about there already). I'm scared to be alone, too. I'm scared that my children will resent me someday for kicking their dad out, becaues at their age, they just see daddy (when he choses to be home). So I have a lot of anger built up, but I don't want to quit a marriage either. But literally I live my life everyday thinking to myself "is he going to come home from work today straight away or is he going to go to the bar until 3 o'clock in the morning, not knowing where he is" or is he going to quit his job because HE doesn't like it. So I am very bitter about it all.

Doesn't sound like you have much to lose by dumping - sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
him. But you should try marriage counseling first, with or without him. It will open up your eyes a bit and if he goes, hopefully open his. My DH has been whining since he turned 50 about quiting (2009), actually started before then. But the reality is we have a lot of debt, a house to pay off which will be done in 2013, and he has great health insurance that only costs us $125 a month for the 4 of us. He is pushing hard for me to get this PT job out of the home (I can get health insurance with it as it is a PT job that is actually considered FT though it is only 20 hours a week). I do have my foot in the door and do work there as a fill-in but right now there are no openings, one of those jobs you basically have to wait for someone to die first for (or quit but that hardly ever happens), and between it and my MT work I can support us, though only AFTER we pay off the house, he seems to have a mental block on that score. Though I am sure he will drive us back into debt as he wants a new boat and camper. He plans to get the new boat next year so I am less than happy about that. Needless to say I am a bit PO'd about his attitude. He has such a sense of entitlement, expects to inherit 7 figures from mom and dad and has clearly told me I am not getting a penny of it (though I have earned it) as we are inheriting nothing except maybe $30K from my dad if I am lucky. I half hope his mom leaves me something on her own as she knows the crap I put up with but blood is thicker than water in that family so that is not gonna happen. So men can total A-holes for sure. So I live with a big baby though he does not go out to the bars at night (he does drink a lot of beer though daily), though not really close to any and he will not drink and drive even after 1 beer so he has some sense though very little. I expect though to be getting a divorce when the kids hit college, he makes enough comments about it, etc. so I figure that is all he is waiting for and I really don't care myself at this point. All I want is my fair share of our assets which will be the huge sticking point in any divorce we have as he is all about money. He will be totally horrified when in a few years he will have to pay me about $200K, that or give me the house, one or the other. I want the house but it will kill him to have to give it to me as he would not want to start a new mortgage in his late 50s, of course by then his parents may be dead and he will be quite comfortable so then it won't really matter. Unfortunately the kids know dad is partially nuts, I sheild them as best I can but not always successful. They love him to pieces and he is a good dad for the most part and a good provider too but he has lots of issues too and probably needs years of therapy (thanks to his parents). I have no where to go, etc. so I am pretty much stuck for now but once I have all my ducks in a row (after all the bills are paid) I will probable leave him in the dust which will shock him to no end. All I can say is I hear ya, and good luck in whatever you decide to do!

My opinion..... - Liz

[ In Reply To ..]
I am sure people's opinion will differ, but my own opinion is you are letting him get away with bar hopping until 2:00 a.m., so it is not likely this would change. If my husband did this ONE time, he know for 100% sure that there would be no returning home without a huge explanation. I have a family of four as well and it's not just about being out, it's about spending OUR money on drinking high-priced drinks at the bar? I don't think so. And THEN to suggest he would quit his job? Ummmmm NO, that's not gonna work either.

I think you should put your foot down and tell him to straighten up or leave, plain and simple. If he choose the latter and goes, then that was what he wanted to begin with. He may, in fact, be TRYING to get you to leave him. Men can be crazy creatures like that.

I think that is some good advice - sm - sssdt

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think OP is exactly letting him get away with stuff, because she can't force him to start doing his share or coming home at night, but otherwise I agree.

My only additional suggestion would be to ask him if something is going on. Drinking all night and threatening to quit his job sounds like he has some problems. Ask him and, if you have to, make it clear that the relationship is broken and unless he tells you what's going on and/or straightens up, you want a separation.

If you have family you can move back to, I suggest that. It will give you and your children some stability.

IMHO - been there before

[ In Reply To ..]
Get your ducks in a row in the next month or however much longer you think it will take. Talk to a lawyer (consultations are almost always free, in fact talk to two or three). Know what your options are. When you are ready, and you sound like me, you are almost there. Give him the ultimatum. He either knocks it off or he hits the road. Then you do what I did when I went through a very similar situation...and I am going to make myself look really old saying this. My self-esteem was in the toilet too, I mean mine hooked up with a hooker in Guatemala when he was there on business, you think that doesn't do wonders for your self-esteem? Here is what I did, first I got mad (how dare he)I was a good wife and didn't deserve what he did; and then I bought two CD's "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor and "I am woman" by Helen Reddy and I played those suckers until they were almost worn out.

As for your children, how often do they see daddy now if he never comes home? They are still young enough that they will be fine. Do everything you can to encourage him to see them but don't count on it. Until he gets done drinking all night long do you really want your kids around him anyway?

I know it is hard but you deserve better and so do your children, just keep saying that over and over to yourself.

Hold you head up high and stand your ground for your happiness as well as your children's happiness.

Thanks for the advice too - STARTREKMT

[ In Reply To ..]
This is great advice. It does have a lot to do with our own self-esteem. Do people in a marriage act as partners? Is one doing something they shouldn't and it is obvious? Does the other keep forgiving and apologizing for the sake of the marriage, the kids, etc.? Does the person hurting the marriage stop... will they stop... will they change? These are the questions. After my separation I believed it was my fault and needed to "repent" so all I said was I am sorry and I will do better so our kids can be together again and have happy times. Then he says he is seeing someone and it is over, but he'd have to think about giving her up. I said are we still married? He said yes, but he'd have to think about it. Now the question is if he decides to give up this woman and take his wife back (me) will he do it again? And who is hurting who here? The self-esteem is an issue, a big one, and how much the marriage is worth to you versus how much you are worth to you. Don't know if this helps, but my situation to most is a no-brainer... to me, still, my fault and there is obviously something wrong with how I feel about myself. Thanks for listening.

Hey STMT... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Are you the same STARTREKMT that got booted from the "other site?" Just curious as to what happened over "there!"

Hey - STMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I am the STMT you know and I post here. Don't know about anywhere else. I am on facebook too. Thanks for thinking of me.

Hey STMT - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Oh ok, I know on the "other site" there was an STMT that got banned for some reason or another. Sorry...

why don't you-before doing anything- just - talk

[ In Reply To ..]
sit him down and tell him all this and try to explain to him how you feel and that he has to stop doing certain things and change....

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