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Anybody ever have to deal with an in-law moving into their house?

Posted: Jun 6, 2015

Father-in-law moved into our tiny house after he retired. I feel like I want to run away. I feel guilty for feeling this way.

;

Don't feel guilty! - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I would not live with my father-in-law for any amount of money! My husband is not too fond of his father either, and he agrees with me. However, if the time comes and he changes his mind and allows his father to live with us, he knows I will divorce him. You're allowed to have a pleasant life too, and your husband should understand.

in-laws - me

[ In Reply To ..]
We had opposite event. We moved in with husband's parents. I like them but living there wasn't exactly the way either side expected. We've been out of there a long time now & relationship with them is just fine. You said father-in-law but not mother-in-law. Did she die, did they divorce? Either way, in whatever timeframe, he lost job, house, wife, independence, now living with the kids. Try to be patient with him. He's lost everything. Try to find something you like about him, somehow make him feel welcome. Once HE feels welcome, then perhaps everything for YOU will turn around. Perhaps, he can do something to help out around the house, something you need done but he's more qualified?

If FIL lost everything cause he was a real jerk, would you feel - the same way? Not every parent is nice. nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

jerk? - me

[ In Reply To ..]
The OP never said he was a jerk or what the problem was between them. I'm not saying every parent is nice. I was raised by 2 very abusive people. That doesn't mean anything now. They split up & are better off now because of it. I'm friends with both & help however I can. As long as her FIL is in her house, she needs to find a way to make it work or nobody will be happy about the arrangement. That level of stress isn't worth it. Better to see if there's something useful to be done.

I had MIL - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I had MIL after FIL died. She had bad Alzheimer's. It was horrible.

She was pretty much okay before the Alzheimer's, but did always have a bad temper. She just got worse when the dementia set in. We certainly couldn't just leave her alone, as she was a danger to herself, so we were sort of stuck with her. (FYI: It's not so easy to get someone into a nursing home if they refuse to go.)

Hubby felt a big obligation to her---she was a stay-at-home mom and took good care of him, so he returned the gesture. Had she dumped in in daycare full time or was abusive, I'm quite certain he would have found a way to "dump" her somewhere, but where she would be at least be safe and taken care of.

If FIL is a nice guy, I guess you have to put up with it if he has no place to go and no money. I would be pretty ticked if he had no money because he squandered it, though. If he was just a normal working guy trying to make a living, then you can be a little more forgiving.

If he's a real jerk, then that's a different story and I don't know what to tell you.

Parents: How you treat your children when they are kids will play a role in how they treat you when you get too old to live alone!

FIL has money and moved in because he retired. SM - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
He was divorced when my hubby was very young. My hubby had an abusive mom and was in foster care homes from age 10 until age 14 when the state located his father. My hubby then lived with him for a bit off and on. He was living with him when I meet him. We were 21. When his father found out we were dating, he put hubby's stuff in trash bags threw it outside and changed the locks.

We had a rocky relationship with him on and off for years after that. After my hubby and I had been married for about 9 and had 2 children we realiZed that he had been still trying to sabotage our marriage. He take my husband aside and tell him I was a bad housekeeper, etc... then he take me aside and point out bad things about my husband. Consequently, we would be at each other and not know why. One day we figured it out.

Long story short.... we moved 700 hundred miles away from all family. Our families did not speak to us for many years, because we moved. Then slowly we started to speak to some, but not regularly, FIL included. Then 2 years ago he said when he retired he wanted to live with us. I tried to convince my husband otherwise, but obviously to no avail. I said he can live near us, but not in our home.

He moved in a week before my son's high school graduation (11-1/2 years after we moved away). This added additional stress to an already stressful time. My son has already signed with the Air Force a year ago and leaves in 3 months.

Other stressors include many changes in my job within the last 3 months. Mandatory schedule changes, I was given all new accounts after 4 years, being audited daily because of new accounts and failing 99.25%. I have lost my office to FIL, but hubby says that's okay in 3 months I can have son's room for office, or maybe it is time for me to get a job outside the house after 13 years.

He says things like your trashcan is filthy, I am going to wash it. Now, I am not a dirty person and find his tone offensive. I told him that I do clean my trashcan and that it had gotten dirty from cooking for.open house, and coffee grounds and such. We did 6 additional people staying with us do to graduation.

Point is, I don't think he has changed. Still a pain in butt. Some of it is petty stuff, like using my coffee mug, and those are the things I can let go. Some days all of the little things add up. Like using a sewing machine close by (again small manufactured house) when I am working and then vacuuming right behind me while I am working in the same day. Asking me to do his laundry the day before son's graduation when I was obviously very busy with other stuff. Now, I know he has done his own laundry for at least 25 years.

I feel like a b___c if I complain, so I keep pushing it all down. If I say anything to my husband he says I am going to tell my dad not to do that. I feel like I am being unreasonable then.

That is really sad - Just me, but I

[ In Reply To ..]
wouldn't put up with that. He has taken your office? And obviously is trying to annoy you with the vacuuming, trashcan, laundry. Why your husband agreed to this, with their history, is beyond me. He needs to stand up for YOU. I'd look into senior housing in your area and dump the old codger out on their doorstep.

I suggested he live in senior apartment 2 blocks from.Our house. - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
He insisted to my husband that he pay rent to live with us, so it is definitely not a money issue.

My husband opened up to me yesterday that he has never had family and this is his chance, if could try to understand. I told him that I get that, but why he can't he be a part of and live down the road. He said because he thinks he has early signs of dementia. I feel kind of like buttheads pushing the issue of him living elsewhere.

I am assuming - your husband works outside

[ In Reply To ..]
the home and you are stuck with him all day. I understand about your husband and his family issues, but haven't you been his family all these years, have a son together? Do you think the FIL has early signs of dementia? If he does, sounds like you will be the caregiver while your hubby is at work. You are in a tough place. Big virtual hug to you!

dementia - me

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree. Sounds exactly like she'd be the caregiver. Given his current attitude, dementia would only make it worse. OP should not be his primary caregiver. If he has dementia, they seriously need to get somebody hired to take care of him, somebody who isn't going to be his target (or won't care if he/she is the target of mood). If he's never going to leave, then I also suggest a different house, with FIL in his own set-up on opposite side of place where OP can work in relative peace & not be in the living room trying to work.

wow - me

[ In Reply To ..]
Sorry it's been so rough! That would drive me nuts too. Working at home is pretty much invisible. Everybody sees you, nobody treats you like you're at work. My husband has interrupted me for "junk" so much lately that I've asked him "what would you do if I wasn't home?" Hopefully, he'll get tired of hearing that every time he comes in with a question that he really could just deal with. Anyway, if your FIL is going to be living with you & hubby won't fix the attitude, then it falls on you to say something. Just let him know that if he doesn't want to live peacefully among your household, he's free to live someplace else. You could always give him suggestions on where to look. When he does stupid stuff when you're working, then you may have to point out the obvious, that you're working & he can do that stuff later. If it gets worse, I'd be real tempted to ask him if he'd like to cover the bills your income normally pays if you lose your job because you can't hear dictation properly with all the noise going on around you. You have my sympathy. The frustration must be getting harder to control. Hope it gets better.

Maybe you should take the rent he pays (sm) - amil

[ In Reply To ..]
to live in your house and rent yourself a little office space near by, at least until your son leaves for the USAF. My other question is, when your son comes home on leave, where is he going to stay if you are using his room as an office?

That is not a bad idea. I will have to look into that. We do live in a very small town thou ghost - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I am against using my son's room as my office when he leaves. This has been an ongoing discussion. This is why I said I feel like running away. I think if it weren't for the fact that we also have daughter who is a soph in high school that I would have done so.

Retirement. - Please sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Sorry you have to go through all this stress. Everyone else pretty much voiced my opinions, but regarding FIL's retirement, he needs a hobby other than antagonizing you. I had 3 male neighbors who retired and for the first month or two each got lots done, then the following 6 months or so literally did not know what to do with their time. They were all so bored. Every time I went outside, one or more would stop me to chat--I avoided going out because nothing could get done!

Is there a senior center nearby? If so, show FIL their events calendar, or check the Parks & Recs catalog. Get him out of the house somehow so you can get some peace. He should not be your responsibility. Best of luck.

My father retired and stayed so busy said he did - not know when he had the time to work

[ In Reply To ..]
on his regular job. The man retired at 65 and he could and did work circles around me and anyone else. I was amazed at all he did, never sat down, always on the go doing something, mowing, planting a garden, harvesting, church, visiting friends, selling honey (because he just liked being out with people). He wore me out just by seeing him buzz thru.

If FIL is not handing over his retirement check ... - Suggestion

[ In Reply To ..]
If FIL is not handing over his entire retirement check for rent, food, and everything else you are providing, it is not enough.

If he has early dementia, you will be stuck with him because the courts will feel that he should stay there. You are setting a precedent by letting him live with you. You cannot evict him now that you gave him accommodations.

Also consider that as disturbed as he sounds, he is likely to molest your daughter.

You need to get him out ASAP. Or, you need to take your daughter and move out. Take your income with you and find an apartment. See a lawyer about making the arrangements.

If you think that is too drastic, marital counseling might work.

Your husband has allowed this virtual stranger to live in your home without your consent, expecting you to wait on the useless old codger all day. Your job will suffer as the old goat torments you, and he is going to entertain himself doing that.

It would be different if this was a beloved parent who had been involved in your lives all along. This is obnoxious, manipulative, disturbed mooch who has jumped on your gravy train.

If your husband will not listen to reason and move FIL into a nearby apartment, you need to file for divorce, take your daughter, and move out yourself.

I want to thInk everyone for letting me vent, and all of your thoughtful comments. - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
It definitely feels better to have said it out loud.

Best of Luck - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
It's sad that your husband is holding on to some hope of having a dad. It just isn't going to happen. His dad is not a nice person.

I like the one poster's idea of trying to rent a small place somewhere---it may shake your husband up a bit and bring him to reality that you are not going to be his father's caretaker. I do understand if FIL really needs help that someone has to step up (your husband, you, whoever), but I think this is more about your husband making excuses so he can have a sense of a dad in the house that he never had.

Good luck, and you are not alone. Many of us have had very difficult situations with an elder parent in the home. (I'm the one who had an Alzheimer's MIL.)

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