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Boyfriend and old girlfriend

Posted: Jul 11, 2011

I've been living with my boyfriend for 13 years. Have had intermittent issues with how he and his old girlfriend behave. In the beginning she sent gifts and cards and made phone calls quite frequently. He would go to visit her and it was all kept secret, or at least, attempted to be kept secret. Then she had a boyfriend for quite a few years and didn't hear a peep from her and he didn't contact her. Her boyfriend is now gone and he is calling and vice versa again. I don't really mind that so much, it's just that he can never ever talk to her when I am anywhere around. She will call and he will refuse to answer if I'm in the room or the car, and then I see he calls her back when he is out running errands or I am out of the house. This really bothers me, but wondering if I am out of line to feel this way. Comments appreciated!

;

that would bother me too - ...

[ In Reply To ..]
He won't pick up the phone if you're present, and he calls her back later? I would be really uncomfortable with that.

I don't think you're out of line at all.

I think you're being - exceptionally gracious.

[ In Reply To ..]

However, your boyfriend's relationship with the ex-girlfriend "really bothers" you. Perhaps it's easy for him to expect you to tolerate this other woman's presence in his--and your--life when he has you all to himself. A boyfriend has more lateral room than a husband; a girlfriend has more lateral room than a wife. Your boyfriend's relationship with the ex-girlfriend is known to you, and he abides by the boundaries that you've established. If he really wanted to be with her, he would be with her.

He chooses to be with you.

all due respect I disagree with the lateral room statement - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
The dynamics of relationships has changes so much over the decades I believe that once a person makes the choice to co-habitate with their PARTNER, be that wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, man, woman... THEY NEED TO MAKE THE CONSCIOUS DECISION TO BE MONOGAMOUS.

A married man or woman is just as capable of being unfaithful, up and leaving, turning the whole world upside down as a boyfriend or girlfriend relationship.

THE OP's relationship boundaries have clearly been crossed, apparently for a very, very long time as well. The reason there is "lateral room" here is because it is ALLOWED. Has nothing to do with the dynamics or definition of the established relationship.

I totally agree, been there done that, won't EVER be married again, no reason - for it, just a piece of paper

[ In Reply To ..]
I too would be bothered by the behavior of the original poster. Not because he still has a relationhips with the old girlfriend but about the way he is having the relationship. Honestly, if nothing is going on, the phone calls coule be made in the OP presence. It sure does make me wonder why the boyfriend is being secretive. Oh, and by the way, trust is an essential basis for a relationship, and quite frankly, this kind of behavior would have me questioning the trust in this relationship. If you feel something is not not right, then something probably is wrong. "That's all I've got to say about that."

re: Stressed - Gema

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you have every right to be bothered, BUT why in the world have you allowed this to continue over 13 years?? As you present it, they have had an on again off again relationship WHILE he's been living with you. A "relatioship" does not have to be physical by the way. Any emotional connection to another person is infidelity as well (SOURCE: I was married twice, both men had affairS outside the marriage, I went bonkers and have had A LOT of counseling just trying to be "normal" and live own by own and wasted many, many years living that way)

All that said, YOU need to make a choice. Are you willing to continue to be second fiddle forever? Are you going to stand up and say enough is enough and be done with this?

I know a very, very few male/female relationships that are really and truely "friends/plutonic", and the big give away in your case is his need to be secretive even with conversation.

Make a stand for yourself! Do you think that you are not worth some peace of mind and monogamy? Of course you are!! BUT... is HE worth your trust and "love". Don't mistake a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with LOVE and fear to move on. Remember, you can't make a dead horse drink.

Best of luck to you.

Honey, he and she are the ones out of line, not you!! sm - No way Jose

[ In Reply To ..]
Don't let him trick you into that guilt trip. This is NOT normal. Gifts and cards? That isn't a true "friendship", that's more than a friendship and yes that was a long time ago but still that shows you what the basis of their relationship is. Probably still doing it too but hiding it well. He obviously feels the need to be secretive and cover some of it up so what is HE hiding? He wants it secretive because he knows what he is doing is wrong. He eases his guilt by letting you know about "her" but not all of the details, only partial details.

Just FYI, I rekindled with an old school mate when working on school reunion. At the time, we were both single but lived half way across the US from each other so it became a long distance friendship that grew into more. Neither of us wanted a change in life but we were there for each other and fell in love. Then eventually we both got back together with our ex's for the sake of children involved but never stopped our relationship since it was a long distance affair anyway. Your story reminds me of this EXACTLY. Ours went on for 10 years. I always had to have "privacy" to talk on the phone to him. I only sent gifts and cards when he was stationed away from home (military). He sent them via my family. I can easily see me in your bf's shoes as I did the exact same things while I had that relationship going.

You deserve more than sharing yourself in a relationship. I would either nip it in the butt now or move on. It's obvious they have something for this to be on and off again for 13 years. Stand your ground. If there are secrets, there are reasons. If there is doubt and lack of trust, there are reasons. Follow your instincts. Put a recorder under the seat of the car or in the living room or where ever he makes his calls from. Either track it down, uncover it, or confront him.

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