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Ah, Love is in the air but ladies, did you ever

Posted: Feb 12, 2016

Many years ago I was married and my husband had this thing of leaving, just leaving without any problems going on. No money issues, no arguments, just up and leaving, sometimes for months. I started an on the job affair with a guy, eventually leaving the marriage because the new love was hot, hot, hot! The on the job affair lasted for a year or more, even years later we reconnected for a short period. Fond memories. ;

I'm reminded of my grandmother's favorite comment - sm

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with regard to certain couples:

"Well, at least they didn't ruin two families."

and I have always heard it said that if a person cheats - to be with you, they will cheat on you. nm

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nm

But hey, that'll just mean another ex and more fond memories, right? - nm

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...

To cheat does not mean you want to be stay - with them, just a fling

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I cheated and was not hoping for a marriage out of my cheating.

And what was your spouse hoping for out of your cheating? - sm

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As long as you were both into flinging your marriage away, I suppose it was no one's business but yours, but it's obvious love isn't what was in anyone's air here.

Sarah Palin quits her job - sm

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Sarah Palin quits her job. Why? The pundits are stumped. Gail Collins, in the NY Times OP-ED on 7-4-09, muses on her possible reasons including that of a ‘soul mate’ a la Mark Sanford. The National Enquirer in Sept 2008 ─who accurately exposed John Edwards’s affair─ tells us that Sarah had a secret lover. Her husband Todd’s business partner, Brad Hanson was the lucky guy. When Todd found out about the affair he dissolved the partnership. Alas, her secret lover did not fare so well after all.

On the heels of so many scandals, is the shoe of yet another secret lover to drop? Is infidelity more outrageous for a ‘family values’ political female figure than for an adulterous male politician? Is the double standard still alive and well? Let’s look at the statistics.

Estimates of infidelity range from 30-60 percent of women compared to 50-70 percent of men. The gap is closing. Why then do so many women take secret lovers? Why do they cheat?

Women’s choice to cheat is both daring and desperate. A desperate plea for help and a daring catalyst for change in their marriage or their own selves, the affair is serious stuff. Not just fun. Let’s take a peek at a few of the wives that I write about in the book, Daring Wives: Insight into Women’s Desires for Extramarital Affairs (Praeger, 2006)

Not that she doesn’t have a handsome, successful husband. Not that she doesn’t have two adorable children. Not that she doesn’t have a beautiful home with two acres of land. Debra, a stay-at- home mom seems to have it all. But does she? Actually home sweet home is not so sweet. Humdrum days – food shopping, cooking, cleaning and carting her kids around – go on and on. She feels trapped, bored, powerless, and lonely. Her brain chemicals are on strike. Serotonin is in short supply as is dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin─brain chemicals that ensure good moods, bonding, and passion. To top it off Debra’s husband doesn’t get it. He’s too busy trying to get ahead to get into her. Along comes an attentive, sexy admirer and bingo!

A devoted loving mother and wife, Ruth─ like Sarah Palin─ has carved out a successful and glamorous career. In a perfect world, she would have the best of both worlds – a career and motherhood. In our less than perfect world, she does not. She lets me know “I’m stressed out and ready to explode.” Her neurotransmitters and love inducing chemicals have crashed. To top it off, our effective firecracker at work can’t get a charge out of her husband. He does not help nor does he understand her desires or needs. Her co-worker Larry does.

Scrappy, sexy generation X, Mary is determined not to follow in her mother’s footsteps. Her martyr mom settled for a secure, dependent and devoted dull husband, but Mary won’t. Mary desires committed love in marriage, security, children and comfort, all that good stuff. A little like her mom, but not exactly. Mary desires more from her marriage. Along with love, she longs for lust, romance, excitement, and passionate hot sex in her marriage. Sociopolitical history, pop culture, dampened down brain chemicals, and family history entwine and strangle her strivings. Unshackling from her corseted past, Mary breathes freely. Air borne of desire carries the wings of surprise. To her surprise, she sees clearly that her husband is not doing it for her. So what’s a restless young wife to do? She finds a sensitive, sexy secret lover who promises all.

As you can see from the above vignettes, women have secret lovers, primarily. because they’re not getting their needs and desires met in their marriages. Try as they may, wives are often unable to reach their husbands.

Feeling stifled, unfulfilled, frustrated, and helpless in their marriages, they step outside of their marriages. Taking the step is in itself empowering. The affair is a daring active choice, not a more-of- the-same passive response. It screams out loudly “Enough! Something’s got to give, either the marriage or me.” That’s only the first step to autonomy and power. It takes a daring wife to have an affair but an even more daring wife to go into therapy to repair her self and/or the marriage.

What about the children? People often stay in unsatisfactory marriages for the sake of the children. It is a fallacy. Parents in miserable marriages only make for miserable children. The legacies for these children are blighted models of marital relationships, and unfulfilled, powerless mothers. The affair, while not necessarily the most prudent choice, is nevertheless an act of empowerment. Instead of a weak, dependent or embittered mother, the children now have a stronger, more independent, and fulfilled female role model.

A common myth is that the affair is about sex. It is not. For the most part, sex was better at home before romance eroded. Screaming fights or silent simmering hostility erodes romance and distinguishes the flames of passion. Chances are that problems in your sex life are not about the quality, but the quantity. Fighting to the death or suffering in silence snuffs kills sexual desire for most wives. And there’s less and less sex in the marriage.

If insufficient sex is the result of unsatisfactory marriages and affairs the result of unhappy marriages, what are the causes? What do wives want? It isn’t only that they desire emotional engagement. It isn’t only that they desire sexual passion. It isn’t only that they desire safety and protection along with autonomy and independence. I have found that wives want mutuality, equal power relationships, and recognition from their husbands. Devotion, love, and commitment without passionate sex, fun, and excitement is the steak without the sizzle. For wives to feel sexy they need the sizzle.

Does any of this sound familiar? Let me know your thoughts.

Frances Cohen Praver, PhD.

Clinical Psychologist/Psychoanalyst and author of: Crossroads at Midlife: Your Aging Parents, Your Emotions, and Your Self (Praeger, 2002) and Daring Wives: Insight into Women's Desires for Extramarital Affairs (Praeger, 2006).

That's the lamest, most narcissistic thing I've ever read - on this topic. Words fail me - nm

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x

No, I never did. And if I had wanted to - sm

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for any reason, including the ones you listed, then I would have DIVORCED him! It doesn't sound like you know or ever learned what the word "love" is but you sure know what "lust" is. There is a word for women like you. It's called e.a.s.y. No self respect. Sex as revenge? Sympathies to your ex-husband and ex-affair, and especially your children-if you ever had any. Fond memories? GAG!

While I was cheating on him with other men, he was also - cheating on me with other men.

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and we are now divorced and very good friends. Gay men make the best husbands.

Two wrongs don't make a right. - sm

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If you, your husband, your lovers, and their spouses, if any, were all openly agreed that it was okay to all sleep around, that would be one thing. Doing it behind your spouse's back is another matter entirely.

STDs - see msg

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Call me old fashioned, but things are pretty wild out there these days---no discretion, just feel good for the moment, for whatever reason.

But never mind that. Is having an STD just sort of the norm now? I can't imagine all this sleeping around and people not worrying about getting an STD. Is an STD these days just sort of like, "oh well."

Obviously people playing musical beds have a higher risk of STDs. - sm

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Which is another reason why everyone involved should know what their partner is up to. They have the right to decide what risks they find acceptable.

For many, STDs other than maybe HIV are just an "oh well" these days. That may change as completely antibiotic-resistant forms of gonorrhoea and syphilis spread, but I don't imagine that will greatly change human behavior, any more than their original appearance when there was no cure for them did, or than HIV has. And as the "love is in the air" poster demonstrates, many people have no idea what their actual risk of STDs is because their partner/s cheat behind their backs and lie through their teeth. Anyone who isn't celibate has to assume they are at non-negligible risk.

Sad - see msg

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I find that sad--I think it's worse these days than days gone by. I remember in my high school class (back in 1973), there were 2 known, um, whatever word you want to use for women who sleep around. I'm sure there were many that didn't talk about it as well.

But, I think it's all more common now. Have some respect for yourselves.

I got an STD - Anony

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I lived with a man 6 years and was infected with HPV after he had an affair. This led to having to have a LEEP and removal of the cervix. Now I'm free from HPV, at least I have not had symptoms in 30 years.

I have never had the desire to be unfaithful. I think if you do, at least get a divorce and live the single life. It's not fair to cause your partner this degree of pain.

HPV - Leads to cervical CA

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There is a growing number of women getting cervical cancer due to HPV. HPV is the complicated medical term for venereal warts, for those who don't know, and it sexually transmitted and is preventable.

Woman who wrote Love is in the air followup - statements answered

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First this happened many years ago before HIV, before HPV was talked about or known to average people, time when we had syphilis and gonorrhea, both controllable with penicillin and the like. I divorced my husband soon after starting the affair. Did anyone read about how he would leave me for months on end just out of no where and usually I would be there when he returned? Anyway, finally the affair started and I will say this, not ashamed, would do exactly like I did years ago, young and fun times. Now when the HIV scare started I was remarried, settled and would have never gone out just willy nilly then and having an affair then. Things turned out wonderfully for me. I believe that some of these answers come from single mothers, women who have kids but never married. Now to me that is worse any day than just a fling.

So basically your "answer" is "but Mom, he started it" and/or - sm

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"if it feels good, do it"? Real mature philosophy of life there.

(And I can only speak for myself, but I not only never cheated with/on anyone, I am not and never have been a single mother.)

OP- that was about the way it was back in - the 60s, ever heard of

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free love? I don't care about how pompous others want to appear to be, that was me and I have absolutely no regrets. You sound like you never did anything wrong in your life. Good for you. I did what I wanted and basically that has been the way I live my life, do what I want. As far as children, I have never believed you should tell a child your business nor should you have to explain your business. Kids are kids, not grown folks.

It was actually the 70s that promoted mindless promiscuity as a good thing. As for free love, - sm

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that's a concept that was around long before the 60s and is still around, but you weren't discussing free love, you were discussing what you, yourself, described as cheating.

People who advocate free love also advocate honesty about it. If two people mutually agree to have an "open" relationship, with or without marriage, that allows both to have sex with other people, then it's not cheating when one of them does so. If they restrict such relationships to others who are equally honest with other people in their lives, then no one is cheating or being cheated on.

If that was what was going on with you, why call it cheating? If, on the other hand, yours is, as originally presented, a story about two people sneaking around behind each other's backs to have their affairs, flings, one-night stands, or whatever you want to call one of their sexual encounters, don't try to claim it was free love. In point of fact, if you were actually practicing free love, you would never have taken marriage vows with anyone in the first place since legal marriage is incompatible with the philosophy of free love.

I have done plenty wrong in my life. The difference between us is that I admit when I was wrong instead of trying to paint it as somehow actually being right. As for doing what you want, I hold with doing anything you want as long as it doesn't hurt anybody else. In my experience, lots of people end up getting hurt by those who play around behind other people's backs. Doing what you want with no regard to consequences to others is simply acting like a child, a willful, selfish brat.

Woodstock was in 1969, just for your - information and most know

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how that was. As far as being selfish, I am certainly that now. Have raised my family and given and given again and now it is me time. I don't feel bad about wanting things to be about me, not at all.

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