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getting frustrated with neighbor
Posted: Jun 30, 2011
I have one grandchild who for the first 3 years of his little life lived too far away for me to visit regularly. Now, my son and family live about 6 hours away and I get the grandson one week every other month and it's been great. I've got a whole room set up, a little backyard kiddie pool, jungle gym, treehouse, the whole thing! (DH is a hobby man and made so much himself!)
Anyway, my neighbor has her grandson quite often and has let me know it is because she does not like her DIL's "lack of mothering skills". She questions me a lot about my DIL and her "skills" as well, but I love her so I never speak badly of her. When my grandson is over, the kids play together, but lately the neighbor wants to take m GS places with her, like to the public parks, kiddie pools, library, zoo, etc. For the past few days she has been almost insistent. I told her that I'd need to ask my son and his wife (of course) and my son said that he was not comfortable with that, so that was that. Or so I thought...
She was not really offended, but kind of laughed it off and said "well what they don't know won't hurt" and has continued to suggest that he come over for a day, for an afternoon, to sleep over (my GS is 4-1/2 and her's is 3!). It has got to the point where I won't answer my phone or door when she calls! I respect my son's wishes, and am beginning to think that her persistence is, well weird... I have told her no and no and no, but she pushes.
last night she and her GS were playing in our backyard (we were out shopping and she let herself in the yard). she said that she promised her GS that they would come and visit and since we weren't home she didn't think we'd mind. She also asked again if my GS could spend the night. DH finally just told her we're not going to send him over period. When he went in she said, "well, tomorrow we can bring him over and he can play all day while your man is at work". I said no also, but She's freaking me out! The laughing and not regarding our "no's" as final!
I have stuck to my guns regarding the wishes of my son, but now I have to deal with wacky lady! How should I handle this woman diplomatically, being as that we're neighbors? I don't want to ruin the relationship, just want her to back down and stop pressing the issue and being so invasive!
;
Why worry about the relationship - sm
[ In Reply To ..]You said a few times in your message that she is a wacky woman. I don't think I would want to associate with her, even when my grandson wasn't around. Sounds like a stalker to me. That's just me though...
Yikes - Old part-timer
[ In Reply To ..]She sounds like a nuisance! Maybe somehow you've been giving her the impression that it's only your son's wishes and your husband's wishes that prevent the children from spending time together. Next time, say loudly and clearly, "I won't allow it. Not now, not ever". If you're willing to let the kids play at your place while you're monitoring them, tell her that. Firmly.
It's possible you'll offend her, but I don't see where you have any choice.
agree and will add - AARPMom
[ In Reply To ..]that you invest in a lock for the back yard gate. You can tell her your insurance agent insisted in order to keep your liability insurance premium from going up.
UPDATE - g-ma
[ In Reply To ..]She came by again, and I had to just flat out tell her absolutely under no circumstances would my GS being going to her place without me, and since I was working and taking care of him, it just wasn't convinient. I told her that I'd let her know when and to stop bothering me. She just flittered away with a little sing-song, "well whatever you say, you let me know when the boys can play. your not helping him by sheltering him and I'm just trying to help, afterall I was a pre-school teacher"... hmm.
W-E-I-R-D-O!!!
A bit later I was in the back yard and the neighbor on my other side commented that she had noticed my GS over this week and we just got to talking. Conversation turned to weirdo lady and my other neighbor told me that she had also been asking if HER son could come over, spend the night, if she could take him to the movies, the park, for walks... He's 11!!!
Now this just really struck a nerve and set both of us on edge. Maybe she's a molestor or something! Why would an older woman be so insistent on "borrowing" kids? That's quite an age difference in her GS and my neighbor's son, even for playmates.
I guess this is over. No more being nice to the neighbor, I think she's got an agenda with the kids and I don't think I like it, whatever it may be.
You're wise to trust your instincts. - sweetgirlsmom
[ In Reply To ..]People who are lonely sometimes go overboard in extending invitations. She may also love caring for children and be missing her life as a preschool teacher. Sometimes older people live in the past and she may be trying to relive the joys of raising her own children. She may not be dangerous, but it is not your job to meet her needs.
You said "I told her I will let her know when." That gives her the expectation that maybe next time she asks, you will say yes. To any and all invitations, I would say "No. Not now. Not ever." Walk away immediately to make sure your words and actions indicate that it will never happen.
You don't owe her any explanations, so never discuss your reasons. Never even let the children play when you are present, because that creates room in her mind for the next step. Never believe her guilt trips such as "you're not helping him by sheltering him."
What she thinks or feels is not your concern. You cannot change her behavior so don't even try. She may keep this up for months or even years, but will eventually stop if you ignore everything.
Always be outside with your grandson and take him inside if she comes around. Protecting yourself when someone makes you uncomfortable is important. Do what is best for your grandson.
Pushy much? - ozmt
[ In Reply To ..]What a nerve. Playdates are fine at this age (though I'd end them with her GS) but sleepovers are for close friends (that is, the kids are close friends, not just the adults) and also only when they're older as far as I'm concerned.
If she pushes further you could also say something along the lines of "I only see him once every two months and this is our time to spend together, not to have him sleep at a neighbour's house.
There was a movie one time similar to this situation... - alias
[ In Reply To ..]where a neighbor took special "interest" in a neighbor's children, feining love, giving gifts, having sleep over's, etc. They, (husband and wife) ended up kidnapping the kids, presenting them as their own, and abusing them. I am sorry to say that trust does not come easy today, in any given situation, and things are not always as they seem. I think you are right to be cautious of this person. God gave us "instinct" for a reason.
Good Neighbors? - Love Thy Neighbor?
[ In Reply To ..]The beginning of your post is a setup and lament about the "wacky" neighbor. In the fifth paragraph, you state that you "don't want to ruin the relationship" (with this "wacky" neighbor). What benefits are you receiving from your relationship with this "wacky" neighbor that outweigh your self-admitted frustration with her? Why is it important to you to maintain and "handle diplomatically" a relationship with a "wacky" neighbor who blatantly disrespects your "no" boundaries regarding your grandson and your property boundaries, and with whom you are "frustrated"...when there is an alternative?
If a man hits a woman, he has a problem; if the woman sticks around and the man hits her again, he's not the only one with a problem. Try releasing being diplomatic, because diplomacy is ineffective for you right now. Perhaps you and your supportive husband, as a team, could tell this "wacky" neighbor to stop haranguing you and, for liability reasons, to stop trespassing on your property. If she persists, send her a certified letter. If your neighbor never interacts with you again, based on your post I wonder why you--a very loving, thoughtful, and respectful mother, grandmother, and mother-in-law--would be regretful about not being "frustrated" or "freaked out" by this flippant-overbearing (passive-aggressive) "wacky" neighbor anymore.
Which is a more effective mode of resolution: being liked or being respected?
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