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Need some advice regarding mean little girls!

Posted: Nov 2, 2010

I have a 10yo daughter and her best friend is a little snotty girl that I'm not all that fond of, but they've known each other since kindergarten and the friendship has stuck. Basically, this little girl is one of those kids that I refer to as "Eddie Haskell." She sucks up to me, hugging me, and stuff, but then away from the adults, she can be really snotty. She is the youngest and only girl in her family and she is used to things going her way and so when my daughter doesn't want to do something she wants to do, the girl gets really mad, says mean things, and then tells me daughter she hates her and never wants to see her again. I generally don't get involved in their little fights because I think it is important for my daughter to resolve these issues herself and to learn to take up for herself. However, every time they fight, the little girl goes to school and tries to turn everyone against my daughter and it just devastates my daughter. She came home one day over the weekend after playing with this girl just sobbing because they had had a fight and now the girl was going "turn everyone against me and tell my secrets and I won't have any friends."

My daughter is the sweetest girl and she tries so hard to be nice to everyone and it is important to her that everyone like her. So the idea of kids turning against her is very upsetting to her. I've tried talking to her, telling her that not everyone will be on the other girl's side. I've told her how this girl is not a very good friend because she continually does this. I've told her that all friends fight sometimes, but a true friend doesn't try to turn people against you when you have a fight. I've also told her that the friends that would so easily turn on her and choose the other girl's side aren't really good friends either.

Anyway, I hate to see my daughter so emotionally distraught. I thinking that maybe I shouldn't let her play with this girl anymore. The teenage years are right around the corner and I can see this little girl being a problem. She's got a mean streak. She was in trouble not too long ago for telling another classmate that she was fat, ugly, and she said some nasty things about the girl's mom on Facebook. The girl's mom called me wanting to know if I thought it would help to call the mean girl's mom. Problem is it doesn't help. The mean girl's mom basically lets her do and say whatever and never punishes her.

Of course, now my daughter and the mean girl have made up and everything is fine again, but it will happen again. It always does. I have tried and tried to get my daughter involved with other girls. I have invited other friends to come over to play and I have taken other friends to the movies, etc. But my daughter always gravitates back to this little girl. Maybe I'm overreacting and I know at this particular age, girls have a tendency to fight and take sides and shun other girls,, but I can see the writing on the wall and I feel like I should nip this friendship in the bud.

;

mean girls - mh

[ In Reply To ..]
When my daughter was 11, we had to put our foot down and ground her from her mean-girl friend because SHE (my daughter) was becoming a mean girl. I know your situation is different, but we had to step in.

The other girl's mom needs to call the school and report the bullying. Since the mean girl's mom won't take care of this, the school needs to.

Good luck. I know this is heart-breaking.

re: bullying - momma K

[ In Reply To ..]
This is bullying! I am so thankful that in schools they take it seriously. At home you also need to provide a good example. Be supportive and continue to teach right from wrong and that she learn to stand up for herself.

This sounds like what happened to ME way back when I was a girl. It made me feel like an outcast and very insecure. These feelings haunted me throughout my life and on occasion, if there is a situation that gets a little heated, i get those old insecure, unsure, desperate feelings. no one did anything and she was one of the "popular rich kids" so I guess the other parents thought she could do no wrong.

I endured that dysfunctional friendship through highschool and it wasn't until I was in my 20s that I finally had enough and stopped talking to her. It was like a bad marriage! She was mean, hurtful, condescending, manipulative... stole boyfriends, other friendships, took credit where it was not hers, cheated in school and got all As... My own mother told me I was jealous of her! That girl was good at being sneeky and mean.

I'd encourage your daughter in other directions, perhaps a dance class or such, where she can meet other friends. whatever you do, don't let it slide. I sometimes still get so angry and what happened to me that I want to take revenge and I don't think anyone should carry that much anger around.

Talk to the school counselor, the teacher...

Best luck to your daughter and you.

It's part of life!!!!! Geez. - seriously????

[ In Reply To ..]
Stop babying kids and teach them to grow up strong and not wimps. This is what's wrong with so many kids today. Raise them to know how to handle things instead of crying over them. Kids will be kids!!!!!

And stop expecting schools to raise your kids. - seriously????

[ In Reply To ..]
It's not their job. Do it like our parents did instead of calling the school when somethings not going right.

Obviously you were never bullied as a child - LinK

[ In Reply To ..]
This is a serious ongoing problem in the schools today, have you been reading the news. My youngest was bullied on the bus this year. I was proud of her for stepping up and telling the bus driver, but if she hadn't you'd better believe I would have. No child needs to go through that.

By the way I was verbally bullied when I was in school and I still remember it very well 30 years after the fact.

re: LinK - gemma

[ In Reply To ..]
either that or they WERE/ARE a bully!

I feel for you LinK, I was also bullied. I was skinny, wore glasses, had crooked teeth and was also the only Latin American child in my school, from 1st grade through 6th. I was always singled out, bullied, beat up, called names. In those days parents and teachers and the schools DID stay out of it and left it to the kids to just work it out.

Well, I'll tell you what, I did lousy in school, dropped out in high school and have been in and out of counseling for self esteem issues, anxiety, panic and depression that stems a lot from the way I was treated and ridiculed as a child.

Expect the schools to raise your children? No. Demand that our children are PROTECTED while attending public school? ABSOLUTELY.

Seriously???? You are just clueless.

LinK, I'm GLAD your child had the STRENGTH to stand up for herself. I WISH I would have.

Like you, many, many years later, I STILL remember so much and it STILL HURTS and makes me FURIOUS.

I suspect the "is/were a bully" part. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Kids are learning this bullying behavior somewhere, and based on a neighbor I have, it's pretty clear where they pick up the idea that it's okay to treat people so badly. As you pointed out, I would imagine that the only person that would condone such behavior is a person who engages in the same type.

I agree - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
There have been some very tragic outcomes to child bullying. As a parent you want to teach self-esteem, and you would want your child to stand up for him/herself, but it is also the responsibility of a parent to step in when there is a potentially harmful or dangerous situation. It is just part of a parent's duty to protect a child. I was also a victim as a child, as I was made fun of because of a physical condition and could not walk for many months. Those memories resurface from time to time, even to this day.

RE: Seriously - Daiseymae

[ In Reply To ..]
sound like you kid is one of the bullies! That is a shame because your kid will never be anything more than a ditch-digger! Yes, we need ditch-diggers, but your kid will be the one that constantly gets fired.

Seriously Daiseymae??? - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
Your post was really uncalled for. I guess you were never beat up or bullied as a kid. You have no idea what it feels like. It's a horrible feeling.

The comment about her child being a ditch-digger was so uncalled for. You don't know anything about her children and I'll bet they are wonderful kids.

My mom used to teach us to stand up for ourselves. That is not called bullying, that's called fighting back while we are in the middle of getting the sh!t beat out of us.

I was bullied as a child - it's horrible - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
When I was in the 3rd grade I had some kid beat me up all the time. This was after arriving at school so no teachers were around. Maybe cos I was a fat kid, who knows. I asked why he was beating me up and he said cos my last name was ---. Made no sense at all. My parents just thought I was clumsy (cos I was actually), so they thought I just kept injuring myself. He stopped after my sister (who is 2 years old) saw him hit me and she beat the crap out of him and told him to leave me alone or she'd do it again.

It's a horrible horrible feeling to get picked on especially for things you have no control over. Actually for any reason at all. Also got picked on because I wore glasses and because we didn't have a lot of money and wore clothes that weren't fancy. The high school cheerleaders (doctors and lawyers daughters) would walk by and throw pennies at me and tell me to buy myself some new clothes. It sucks, let me tell you. 45 years later I still remember it like it was yesterday. Man do I hate bullies!

Shame is the worst part - Kittymama

[ In Reply To ..]
I understand not wanting anyone to know, not wanting to admit it, feeling ashamed. When I told my mom, she said it was my fault. So I never said anything else and just believed I deserved it, for no reason whatsoever.

After all these years, I try to understand what happened and why, that bullies feel powerless and need to assert power over someone else. It really wasn't me or anything about me, its about them and their need to feel strong.

Good response - - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
I'll bet a lot of kids feel shamed. I never did. I remember when I did tell my mom, she told my sister to stick close to me and let her know what happens and she would talk to the school. My sister settled it though and beat him up. LOL My mom never encouraged us to fight, but did encourage us to stick up for ourselves and if things were beyond our control to let her know. My mom never blamed me, which is kind of funny because I just found out from an old school mate of mine that we were in scouts together for over 12 years she said my mom never thought I did anything wrong. LOL.

That's sad your mom reacted like that. I've heard stories like yours and I don't think I'd ever understand it.

I think after all these years I've come to believe that maybe this kid was abused at his home and felt the need to take it out on someone half his size.

I'm always thankful my sister was there to protect me. Oh and I meant she was 2 years older than me, not 2 years old.

Bullying. sm - TC

[ In Reply To ..]
Although I agree that it is the parents responsibility to take care of the kids, the schools have to show some responsibility as well since they have our children for 8 hours a day. I do agree that some parents do put it off on the school completely and take absolutely no responsibility for it themselves and this does need to stop.

Bullying does not have to go on as long as EVERYONE stands up against it (parents, teachers, kids). It takes us all.

I have 3 children. Neither of the three are bullies and have never been bullied as I did teach them how to handle people like this. If anything my kids stand up for others if they see someone else trying to pull something like this. Case in point, I did get called to the school due to the fact my son got \"accused\" of fighting. What it turned out to be was a Bully was picking on another kid who was on the smaller size. All my son did (and he did not know the other kid) was walk up to the bully and asked him \"Now do you want to try that with me and leave him alone.\" and before the kid could answer, my son said \"I didn\'t think so.\" But 2 teachers \"thought\" they were fighting. This is one of those cases the teachers should have stayed out of, but alls well that ends well.

Just remember, talk to your kids, listen to how their day went and teach them how to handle situations such as this.

Take care.

Wish I had a mom like you!! - Kittymama

[ In Reply To ..]
When I was bullied as a child and told my mom, she blamed me for being "too sensitive."

Not all parents are as in tune with their kids as you are or as able to teacher their kids how to handle such situations. Your kids are very lucky.

What a wonderful young man your son is - to stand up for someone

[ In Reply To ..]
smaller who is being bullied.

Bullying is NEVER okay in any situation, as far as I'm concerned, but some kids don't know how to handle it/how to stand up for themselves if they are in that type of situation.

My boyfriend's children are all small in stature. My boyfriend is 4'10" and his ex-wife is only 4'9". Thus, their children are all very small. They have 5 kids together. The youngest is 5 and is in kindergarten now, but is often mistaken for a 3-year-old, and it goes up the line from there...and they don't seem to grow! I've know them for 2 years and they all still wear the same size clothes they did when I first met them!

Anyhow...The oldest 2 kids are in middle school now and bullying is a constant topic because of their size. They get picked on often because they are smaller than everyone. We try to give them the tools to stand up for themselves and also tell them to seek out a teacher or other adult if the situation seems to be especially aggressive.

They have seemed to learn on their own, however, that the bullies seem to be the most miserable kids in scool. My boyfriend's son even tried to make friends with one of his tormentors...trying to "get him to see he doesn't have to be so mean all the time to get people to like him." (his words)

Kudos to your son for standing up for someone who couldn't stand up for themselves. It takes guts to do that!

YES!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!! - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I do NOT expect the school to raise my child. HOWEVER, when my child is on school grounds, during school hours, on THEIR watch, you'd better believe her safety is THEIR responsibility!!! Apparently, in many places, this is a responsibility that is still failed miserably, unfortunately.

this is irrelevant. - n/m

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

re: n/m - ikt

[ In Reply To ..]
what is irrelevant?

Some kids handle bullying well by themselves, others - do not. Why not help them out? -sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe if the kid who walked into Columbine with a rifle had had some help before things got out of control, that incident would never have happened.

I agree totally. I was a tough cookie when I was a kid. - NK

[ In Reply To ..]
I always stood up for myself and was always ready to throw a few punches if necessary. So needless to say I wasn't bullied all the much and when I was, I stopped it right away.

HOWEVER, my daughter is nothing like me at all. Her personality is such that she wants to be kind to everyone. She wants everyone to be her friend and simply cannot understand when someone doesn't like her. And she is most definitely not a fighter. I've tried to teach her to defend herself, teach her to fight if she is ever physically bullied, but she simply will not do it.

So in that regard, I have to step in and stop it for her. My sister was exactly the same. My sister and I were raised by the same two parents and taught that same values and lessons. So explain to me how I was ready to defend myself and my sister would never dream of sparring verbally or physically with anyone?

Because we are individuals. And the truth is a bully can spot a kid who they know they can bully and the poor child won't do anything about it. That is why it is up to the parents, teachers, and schools to protect them when they cannot protect themselves.

And let me just say to "Seriously???" Your remark, "kids will be kids" is very telling. You were/are probably a bully and you are probably raising bullies. You are the parent who refuses to accept that your child needs discipline because in your mind your child does no wrong. Tread cautiously because those parents are the ones who suffer the biggest shocks with their kids. The minute the words "my child would never..." leave your lips, your child will make you a liar.

Good luck to you!

You are the perfect example of - Daiseymae

[ In Reply To ..]
of being a bully! Feel bad for your kids, cause once they get in the real world bullies don't make it past ditch-diggers! Yes, we need ditch-diggers, but your kid will be the first to get fired!

I'm sorry for you - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
This is the second message you replied to in the same uncalled for fashion insulting a poster telling them their children won't make it past "ditch-diggers" Sounds like you have something against ditch-diggers if you are insulting them like this. But I'll bet ditch diggers at least have more compassion. And more common sense too.

Your post sounds just like the bullies that used to beat me up.

All I'll say is I'm very sorry for whatever you are going through. I hope you will be feeling better soon.

"Kids will be kids?" - It's this kind of attitude.

[ In Reply To ..]
that's a big part of this problem! This implies that it is okay to treat people badly. It should never be viewed as acceptable or a part of life. What exactly do you mean by "growing up strong"? Does that mean kids who "fight back" are stronger? This is very disturbing. Yes, I may be able to shrug off what these bullies say and do if I wasn't reading about so many suicides lately. No one deserves that kind of treatment! Our kids need to be raised in such a way that they understand that not they or anyone else deserves this kind of treatment, and bullying is NEVER justified....kids or not!!

"kids will be kids" - zoesnana

[ In Reply To ..]
I am 100% with you on this. When parents have that blase attitude that 'well, kids are like that', it is telling more often than not that the parents either have the same attitude (that is why their kids think its okay) or they think other parents who are proactive regarding their children's correct behavior are being 'sensitive pansys'. That is why sometimes I really feel for children in sports; their parents are uber-competitive and turn their kids into something they will come to regret later if the parent is not mindful of THEIR behavior. It begins at home. I also believe that the other problematic factor is that children are exposed to so much violence, even with cartoons. IT is NOT acceptable for children to be bullies because they will more often than not grow up to be out of control bullying ADULTS. So sad.

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