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Financial troubles and the holidays nm

Posted: Oct 2, 2012

If your son or daughter came to you and said they were not buying gifts this year because money was tight and needed for bills, would you give them money to buy gifts for their children who are 17 and 19?

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See message... - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Times are tough for a majority of us and I really feel for those with financial difficulties. We help our daughter alot. She's 42, single and has a son who will turn 21 on Saturday. She's trying to get her nursing degree and works nights and she has a low-paying job. We help her a lot with groceries and things she needs for her car. We also help the grandson out because he also has a low-paying job and having trouble paying off some college loans but we don't allow them to take advantage of us. There were "heavy hints" from him and his mother about being broke on his birthday and not able to celebrate the way they want to. The grandson will get his usual birthday gift but we refuse to pay for his party which I'm sure will mostly consist of drinking at a casino. He's a very good young man and actually rarely drinks but it's his 21st and he and his mother thinks he deserves a drinking party. I don't....unless he wants to dole out the money for his own liquor. You can only do so much for your children and grandchildren, even though you love them dearly. In your case, I would say no to money for Christmas gifts. The kids are old enough to know where it comes from. I might help them with food and gas for the holidays but the best gifts in life are spending time with family and that's what I would want mine to learn/figure out. That's my take. :)

This happened to me a few years ago. - single mom

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I'm divorced. At the time, my children were older teens and working jobs of their own, one in high school and the other in college. Bills were piling up and I felt it wasn't practical to spend money on gifts when it could be used to pay down debt (which was weighing heavily on me and would've been a relief to know I was making progress in paying it down). I told my family that I didn't have money for gifts that year. I wasn't expecting a hand-out or help but was telling them like it is. I didn't feel bad about not shopping that year. My parents who are in the mid 70s, living on social security, still working jobs and have no real retirement to fall back on actually gave me money and told me to buy for the kids (I'm talking several hundred dollars). I felt bad. I didn't want their money. I felt bad taking it and I felt bad saying thanks but no thanks. Then I wanted to pay off bills and not buy gifts for my children, but I felt selfish doing that. I ended up buying inexpensive gifts for everyone that year and spending money I really didn't intend on spending. In a way it angered me that my parents didn't respect my wishes that year but understand they were wanting to be thoughtful and help. That being said, I'd say respect they're situation and their wishes. Christmas isn't about money or gifts.

No - end of message.

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

NO!. 7 and 9 maybe, but older teens, no. In fact, they should have - jobs and be contributing to family bills.nm

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x

I have to disagree somewhat...sm - MT

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I don't believe teenagers still living at home and in high school should have to help with some bills. If they want to buy their own clothes because they don't like what you can afford to buy them or want cars, insurance for that car, cell phones, etc. then, yes, they need to find a part-time job and help buy those things but not the bills such as groceries, utilities, health insurance, your car payments, etc. It was your choice to have children. You should provide the necessities until they graduate high school and leave home. If they are still living at home after high school, then definitely they need to pitch in and help with bills but not while in high school and still under your roof. All our children started working by age 14 to buy things they wanted but they weren't forced to help pay for the food they ate or the roof over their head. That's a bit much...IMO.

Ok, the 17 year old has a pass. But the 19 yo? No reason 19 cant help out - his family if it is needed. A life lesson. nm

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Exactly...the 19-year old should help out..definitely...nm - MT

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`

If family is seriously struggling, wouldnt a well-brought up kid - want to help? nm

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A well-brought-up kid...sm - MT

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might want to help but they shouldn't be required to help, not if they're trying to get through school. Like I said, with "luxuries of life" such as cell phones and cars, most definitely but not with food and rent. If you're struggling that bad, there are government agencies that can help you. It would be far more important to me that my children received an education so they'd have a better chance at not struggling in later life. You can't work to help the family while going to school. Dropping out would not be an option for any of my kids, no matter how dire the situation.

Sure you can work without dropping out. Did your 14 yo drop out. And they - can give small % of check, not support family.nm

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Their money went for their things...sm - MT

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so that I wouldn't have to buy these things for them. I and my husband didn't expect our children to help support the family. They helped buy their own vehicles and put their own gas in them. They bought their own clothes. They didn't have to help with food and rent and I wouldn't have ever considered asking....and they were well brought up. ;)

Never said kids should support family. Helping is something else - altogether. Get milk or bread, etc. nm

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NO...we're the parents...sm - MT

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we had our children. It's our responsibility to care for them...not the other way around. My children didn't have to help feed the family. That seems pretty screwed up to me to ask your children to help with food.

In depression, kids were proud to be able to help, even young ones. - Our economy not much different than depression.nm

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My father lived....sm - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
during the depression and there were no jobs, just as there are no jobs for kids today. I think buying some of your own clothes and "luxuries" is helping out. If a family is struggling, they certainly can't afford these things and I've seen plenty of poor children around our town and they all have a cell phone....so much for struggling. If you force your school-age children to work so they can help pay rent and buy groceries, they will not want to stick around when they do finally make it in the world. I would never ask my children to help with necessities. I would work 2 or even 3 jobs before I did that. Not because my children can't or shouldn't work but because there are things you shouldn't expect your children to put out money for...and that's a roof over their head and food. Times are tough but children should be allowed to experience childhood. After they graduate high school, they'll be working the rest of their life. I grew up poor and my parents never made me work to help pay for food or rent. I used to babysit so I could buy my "luxuries" but my parents didn't insist I or my brothers and sisters help with food and rent. I know I wouldn't do it to mine but...that's my opinion.

Helping is not supporting. My dad collected bottles, swept out the - gas station. Your kids found jobs, just sayin. nm

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No....my children...sm - MT

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qualified for job programs through their school because we were low-income. We still didn't expect them to help with food and rent. Just sayin... ;)

It's how they're raised - Kids

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Mine started working outside the home as soon as they were of legal age. Before then they got paid for doing things for relatives. I refuse to raise a kid that's going to sit on the couch and play video games and end up worthless. I wanted them to know that life's not fun, it's not fair all the time, and deal with it. I now have a lawyer and a dentist in the family and they're hard workers.

Yeah, the word entitlement wasnt applied to kids back then. It is a - relatively new word, used as it is now. nm

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I agree...sm - MT

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Kids should have to work so they learn where it comes from. Ours didn't get to be couch potatoes. I just don't think they should have to help pay the bills that mom and dad should be responsible for. If they want little luxuries, they should pay for them. Ours started working at age 14 but they didn't have to help pay the mortgage. All 3 now have jobs and are stable, responsible, hard-working adults.

I wonder if you were on the verge of losing your house, if you - would feel the same. Or elect about to go off.nm

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I would feel exactly the same...sm - MT

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The parents are responsible for keeping a roof over their children's heads...not the children. In today's world, many parents feel they have to live in the best and will take on mortgages they often can't afford. We didn't and NEVER would expect our children to help pay bills we, as parents, are responsible for. We might have to make sacrifices but one wouldn't be requiring our children to become adults before they are ready. Our children are grown now but, when they were still under our roof, we would have done what was necessary to pay our bills and not put that burden on our children.

Stable future guaranteed to none. Wonder if your kids would - want to be homeless, but with a cellphone.nm

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x

Give it up...nm - MT

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You're not going to convince me that children should be put to work to help out with the mortgage and utility bills. Parents who do that get no respect from me. Our children were never homeless because they had responsible parents. A stable future may not be guaranteed to anyone but those who make sacrifices don't have it so bad. As you can see, not everyone is homeless. LOL And...BTW, my children never owned a cell phone until they were adults and bought their own. ;)

Financial troubles - Teri

[ In Reply To ..]
That depends on exactly what they mean by not buying gifts. I had to do that one year. I had a toddler, single mother and very low income at that point. I told my family I wasn't buying Christmas gifts but had to specify that I meant for anyone but my toddler. Small kids come first. Maybe they just meant they weren't buying for other family members. Have them clarify. And, if I wanted to make sure the kids had something I would give them a gift card myself. NOT give it to the parents. Late teens are old enough to know about finances.

The point of my question is this - sm - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
As a grandparent, is it okay to give money to the parents (your adult son or daughter) for gifts their children who are 17 and 19, especially after being told the parents don't want to buy gifts this year?

The children are good kids. Of course they work and pay their own cell phones and buy their own clothes and contribute to the household. My problem isn't with the children, rather it's the grandparent disrespecting the wishes of the parents.

To the OP - Nice of you to consider everything

[ In Reply To ..]
One of the parents is your child, right? So have a talk with them. Find out if their pride would stand in the way of taking your money? Do you have it to give? If so, certainly make the offer. You say the grandchildren are good kids. I am sure they would accept any small token offered at Christmas, so it does not have to be expensive. That is not the point in the first place is it?

I say they are your family and if you can help them out you should certain do so, as long as you are not stepping on anyone's toes. Have that conversation and find out. Ask them to be honest with you about what is going on, what is expected, and if your giving would be offensive in any way.

christmas - mt2

[ In Reply To ..]
Depends on your and the parents' situations financially. If you're strapped as well, you may have things to do that you can "pay" the parents or kids with by promising them something they really need for Christmas not to exceed, let's say, one hundred dollars each or you could donate food for the holidays for the whole family to free them up a bit to buy gifts for the kids. I wouldn't be able to live with myself doing nothing but would sure tell them, "this holiday only" in a kind sort of way.
Everyone loves food, movies, etc., that are family oriented, so perhaps think of "family" gifts that they cannot exchange for cash and have to attend a movie and dinner for all 4 of them "on you" to celebrate the holiday season without giving them "cash" to blow on unhealthy things. Just MHO as I couldn't just let it go with "no gifts" Jeepers, it's as much for your peace of mind than anything.
Don't attack me people, I'm "old." LOL

I think 17 & 19 are the perfect ages to begin learning - of lifes not-so-nice realities.

[ In Reply To ..]
This recession would probably be a good time to start teaching that the holidays aren't all about getting, but giving.

But who says they aren't giving? - boostraps

[ In Reply To ..]
The OP only asked if she should give money to her child who asked for money to provide gifts for his/her children.

How do we know the children haven't crafted in some way a gift for their parents?

I suspect these children have been learning some no-so-nice realities for a while. They seem to have responsible parents as they made a conscious decision to ask their parents for money rather than let the bills go.

Funny, not many actually address the question in the original post. - Read it again.

[ In Reply To ..]
She did not ask what the kids should or should not be doing, whether they should receive gifts or not, whether they should be working and pitching in or not, and on and on and on. She asked if she should give the PARENTS of the kids money so they could buy for the kids.

OP - Do you have the money? If so, heck yeah! Tis the season for giving, right? I say my grandchildren are going to learn life's lessons soon enough. As long as I am able and can afford it, I would NEVER let a Christmas go by with my children or grandchildren not receiving gifts just to teach them a lesson or trying not to offend anyone. Who is offended by gifts from the heart? It is just that, a gift. OP, do what YOU feel is right for your grandchildren and children.

In a case where one might not be able to afford the financial burdens of Christmas gifts for children and grandchildren who are going without.....there is oh so very much you can do to make the holidays bright anyway. Do not hesitate to do so.

I believe I addressed the question... - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
in a round-about way. Giving money to the parents could be considered a gift but the gifts they buy for their children with that money would still actually be a gift from the grandparents, not the parents. Nothing gained. At ages 17 and 19, I think the kids would know by now that money is hard to come by these days. Like I said, I would help with gas, food, etc. so the parents would be able to have extra money to buy gifts for their own kids....if that's what they really wanted to do.

I would - bootstraps

[ In Reply To ..]
Many parents in your son or daughter's situation would probably let a couple bills go so they could buy gifts for their children.

I don't know anything about your family, but they had to think you might consider it, and offer them an alternative to a giftless Christmas.

IMO it shows responsibility on their part to make the decision to pay the bills first. And they probably thought for a while and probably considered many other ways to swing this before approaching you.

Maybe age of the kids plays a role? But I'm just a "family is family" person.

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