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Marital advice
Posted: May 4, 2015
I need opinions, as I am about to drive myself crazy. So, my husband and I have been married 20 years. We went through a rough patch and he decided to vent at work to a female SINGLE coworker. The two of them apparently had similar issues going on before she divorced and they talked. Well, this lady goes into my husband's personal "In case of emergency" records, got my phone number and texted me that I should just leave my husband, because he no longer wanted me! I showed the text to my husband and he acted extremely angry about it, called the woman a few choice words, etc. What he didn't do though, was pick up the phone at that instant and call this lady and confront her. I asked him if he had any type of affair with this woman and he swore he had not, just talked to her. He said it was possible he gave her the "wrong idea" but he planned to stop all communication with her, since she apparently thought something was going to happen that wasn't. I do know my husband well enough to know this woman just isn't his type at all, like he would never leave me for her, but I am still afraid he had some type of affair with her. According to my husband, the way he handled it was to completely stop communicating with her. He swears he never speaks to her at all. I asked him how that came about and he said he just stopped talking, no conversation about calling me or anything, just stopped. That's odd to me as well, because I have male coworker friends and I speak to them all of the time. I believe if I just stopped speaking to them they would ask me what my problem was or something? So, I don't know if he did indeed stop talking to her, or if he is doing it behind my back making me look like an idiot. I constantly harass my husband about this and I don't know how to make myself feel better. My husband gets upset because he swears to me they don't talk, but I feel like I don't have any closure from it. I mean, they were pretty much talking behind my back to begin with or whatever else they were doing and it concerns me that is still going on. Anybody else been through anything similar and any ideas on how to make me stop being a crazy person? Thanks so much.;
Issue - Me too
[ In Reply To ..]I was married to liar and a cheat many years ago now. Once you lose trust in your spouse, you may as well hang it up. That trust is gone forever. AND the nerve of that woman texting you! Sorry honey, but sounds like you are headed down a rough road unless you can get marriage counseling.
A few things - to think about.
[ In Reply To ..]First, I am sorry you have to deal with this at all. Sigh. Venting can be a good thing for anyone, IMO, but it just never seems to end up being a good thing unless it is to a therapist.
1. Men always cheat DOWN. (Maybe women do too - not sure.) My point is - don't assume you KNOW who he would cheat with. Doesn't mean he is, but don't assume he is not b/c of her "type" or how she looks or how she compares to you.
2. I agree that once you lose trust it is difficult to regain that. Not impossible, but difficult.
3. You should either talk it through and get some kind of resolution for yourself and then lay it to rest or end it. It really doesn't work going on the way you are handling it, driving yourself crazy.
Good luck! I hope you get some peace.
It's up to you - anon
[ In Reply To ..]Either you trust him or not. If you do, forget about it and move on. Remember the old saying - if you look for trouble you might find it. If you are ready for that, contact the woman, but preferably not at the work place. I had a friend who followed her husband, saw the other woman, learned about his, as he called it "hot sex." She forgave him and he did it again. Make sure you are ready for what might happen.
Well, the text was from her to You. - You confront her.
[ In Reply To ..]You expected action on his part, and you did not get it. That is strange, really, unless he did not want to cause conflict at work, and it would.
Since this text was to you, not him, why don't you take action and confront her yourself? After all, she did contact you. I would call her and ask her the meaning and intent of her next. I would ask her what her relationship was with your husband, and how she felt warranted to tell you that he does not want you. What makes her say that?
If you do not trust your husband, there is probably a good reason. Intuition? If not, you will only feel better if this woman gives you an explanation for her text to you. I think speaking with her for a little bit will give you some idea of what is going on, and what kind of person he is. Perhaps he was actually having an affair with someone else and she knows about it and wanted to warn you. She may not be your enemy at all. Find out. On the other hand, that conversation and your intuition may lay this to rest.
My Thoughts - see msg
[ In Reply To ..]I don't think men and women should share personal problems. If he needed a friend to talk to, a male friend would be the way to go. And ditto for you. I'm sure you talk about him all the time to people.
That being said, I wouldn't keep harassing him about this. My view is that if someone is going to harass no end, one may as well go do what they're being accused of.
I'm not saying he's innocent, but there isn't much incentive to NOT keep talking to her, since you non-stop accuse him of it anyway. In your eyes, he's already guilty, so why not go for it? Know what I mean?
I'm not big on making problems bigger. Seems like you guys have some serious problems, and accusing and harassing is not the way to go. That sure wouldn't keep me faithful if my spouse wouldn't shut up about something that may or may not have happened.
I wouldn't go pushing him into someone else's arms he may not have already been in, know what I mean? You may have pushed him a long time ago, I don't know. Or you chose a real jerk, and I'm sorry you picked a real jerk.
" That sure wouldn't keep me faithful if..." Wow. Call me all me old fashion, - Lib
[ In Reply To ..]but I think marital vows call for both parties to be faithful no matter what one spouse does or says. If you have the above posters mentality, then you have no business being married. OP, you have every right to be suspicious and accusatory. At this point you know he's done something inappropriate. It's just a matter of how deep the betrayal goes. Since this woman contacted you, I would call her. If possible, I would call her using her husband's phone as she may recognize your number and not answer. Most women sleeping with married men tend to avoid confrontations with the wife. I know she texted you, but I'll bet she doesn't really want a face to face or an actual conversation. Call her and you'll have your answer. Don't tell your husband you're calling her or tell him. You can watch his response and you'll have your answer that way as well. You'll see the fear in his eyes because he'll know he's been caught and then he will do everything he can possible do to keep you from calling her. Either way talk to her.
Sorry - Poor Choice of Words
[ In Reply To ..]I should have said it wouldn't want to keep me faithful. Yeah, bad choice of words. I think the OP needs to stop harassing her husband. If he is close to cheating or is cheating, he should leave her so she can move on with her life.
I also said that she could be pushing him towards that; either that, or she married a jerk. If there are small children at home, they both need to grow up so the kids don't get their heads messed up by that kind of tension in the home. Who are the grown-ups here?
Why is it - Always The
[ In Reply To ..]woman who is "pushing him towards that?" Why blame her? He is responsible for his own actions. If he cheated, that was his choice. If he is not happy with his current wife, then leave. Cheating is not an option. If he was so unhappy with his wife, because she was irritating him in some way, then TALK to her about it and the situation could change. You don't just run into the arms of someone else just because somebody irritates you! And stop blaming the victim!
That is my point - see msg
[ In Reply To ..]I am going to take a wild guess and assume the man has told her or shown her many times that he was unhappy. To my point now: Yes, people can push people into doing the wrong thing. And really horrible spouses (women included) break their vows every time they say mean and horrible things to the other. Cheating isn't the only way to break a vow. Faithfulness isn't the only vow spoken. It's the worst of breaking a vow, but being horrible to a spouse is also breaking a vow. I'm always curious as to how many men haters there are on this board here, and in general all over.
Women seem to play the victim, and don't seem to look at themselves to see if they played a role in the breakdown of a marriage. And again, if she married a jerk, then she chose the wrong person and should leave him.
Sounds to me as if they're both miserable in the marriage and have been for a long, long time. Marriages don't break down overnight. Lord help the children of these marriages.
My now ex-husband used to work with a woman sm - anon4this
[ In Reply To ..]in a machine shop. She was the only woman working with a LOT of men. This woman made sport of working her way through all of the married guys by listening to their gripes about their "awful" wives and agreeing with them. I caught on to her pretty fast when my now ex-husband kept talking about her, practically nonstop. She apparently moved off from him to somebody younger/handsomer/nicer and so he started bad-mouthing her to me about her working her way through the married guys. At the time they were all getting a lot of overtime. I emailed the owner's wife and told her what was going on, basically that they were running a dating service for this woman and maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't have to pay for so much overtime if they got rid of her. She was gone within a week. I eventually got rid of the husband anyway and have never been happier!
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