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Is this a punishment or a healthy thing?

Posted: May 1, 2012

I have 3 grown kids in their 30s and one is 40. Two of them can't seem to remember my birthday, Christmas or Mother's Day. Once in a while they may call late in the day, or text at 10:40 p.m. on my birthday, but often nothing is acknowledged or done. There have been occasions where I get a card and once or twice a gift, but not usually. One child does routinely send a card but never a gift. They are all professionals and fairly well off.

So there I am on all their birthdays and at Christmas, making out cards to them, and all their kids, inserting checks, and sending them off. I never get anything from the grandkids, not even thank you notes, but am used to that by now. Sometimes I feel like an ATM machine.

I'm thinking of sending a polite and non-accusatory, very matter of fact email to my kids that I will continue to send cards and gifts to the grandchildren until they are 18, and that I will start just sending cards to my children, no more money or gifts. I want to honor their birthdays and Christmas, but I feel kind of used and frankly, like a fool with sending them money, gifts and cards year after year with only a rare remembrance from them. My boyfriend says I am being mean. I say I am being healthy and that I no longer want to feel like a doormat/ATM.

Suggestions/thoughts?

;

Go for it. I would stop the gifts to the grandkids as well - Happy MT Robin

[ In Reply To ..]
Depending, of course, on how old the grand kids are. If they are 10 or above, then stop. They are old enough to know what needs to be done for a gift, again assuming that their parents have taught them...but it sounds like somehow that education didn't stick with your kids.

Stock up on cards and just send those out if you feel the needs, but definitely don't send any more money. You're being smart and healthy and fiscally responsible, not mean.

You are doing the right thing. - you're not being mean

[ In Reply To ..]
Stop the gifts altogether. If someone can't find five minutes to acknowlege the gift and thank you for it, you don't need to waste your time and resources providing gifts.

I had a similar experience with my neices and their children. I never once received a thank-you note for my gifts, which I sent faithfully for every birthday and Christmas. When I stopped, two of my neices actually called me to tell me I had forgotten to send their gifts. I explained that since I had never received an acknowledgement or thanks for any gift, I assumed they were unwelcome and decided not to trouble them with any more gifts. They were miffed for awhile, but got over it. Your children and grandchildren will get over it, too, and might learn to treat you with more consideration.

Stick to your guns and don't be their ATM any more.

You are not being mean at all !! - Di

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you’re TOO nice !! I had a very similar situation. I have a younger brother and sister. They would NEVER remember my birthday. In fact, when my mom was still alive she had to remind them to at least call me and wish me a happy birthday. I was the fool. When it was their birthday, I always arrived with a card, cake and gift. I never once received a card from either my brother or sister. After my mom died, my birthday was never acknowledged. A few years ago, I was so hurt that I called them both the next day and asked why they couldn’t take the time out and pick up the phone and wish me a happy birthday. They said they “forgot”. They have been my brother and sister for over 45 years !! How could they forget my birthday ?? I learned my lesson. I now let their birthdays go unnoticed. If they don’t care, then I don’t care. I have learned to celebrate my birthday by myself. Every year I go out and do something special for myself, whether it be buying myself something really nice or taking a trip to NYC for the day and treating myself to lunch and shopping. If you don’t expect anything from people, then your feelings won’t be hurt.

I think a trip into NYC for the day for lunch and shopping - would be an AMAZING birthday!

[ In Reply To ..]
Good for you...I'm on the west coast, but, boy, would I jump thru hoops for a birthday treat for myself like that!

Ironically, my best birthday was one I had entirely by myself. I'd been busy working 8 hours a day, then remodeling the little house I was living in until the wee hours of the morning, and was totally exhausted. I went to Blockbuster, rented a couple of movies I'd been wanting to see, and then called for Chinese food delivery. I spent the entire night watching movies and enjoying my Chinese food in glorious silence...just me, myself and I.

No you are not being mean - Ayn

[ In Reply To ..]
A gift is just that, a gift - if you feel like giving one, you do, and if you don't feel like giving them anymore, you don't. No one should "expect" a gift and certainly one should thank the person when a gift is received.

I don't think an email, phone call or anything else is necessary for you to explain to anyone what you will be doing in the future or why. You owe no one an explanation. Just put your plan into action and move one.

Agree with no need for an explanation - Nik

[ In Reply To ..]
Unless you want to make a point by gently confronting them with the fact that your feelings are hurt by their behavior, I would just stop sending anything and see what the fallout is. No matter how things have changed there are still some basic common decencies of life and one of them is saying thank you. My niece sent me a thank-you note for her graduation gift that said, "Thank you for the graduation gift." Now, I'm pretty sure I'll never see her name on the New York Times bestseller list as words are obviously not her "thing," but at least she sent one, and for that I give her credit.

I agree ... with a minor change ... - mm

[ In Reply To ..]
I did this in reverse ... My mother-in-law always expected big gifts, but never bothered to say thank you. And would even often ask for the receipt so she could return the gift and get something else.

Finally, without saying anything, I stopped. Now we send her a card for her birthday and for Christmas we give her a nice picture of her granddaughter. She has never said anything about the change (other than a comment one Christmas about getting her "annual picture," which I couldn't tell was sarcastic or not).

My point is, I wouldn't send an email because that will just upset everyone and make them feel like they need to defend themselves and turn you into the bad guy. Instead, I would just start with the next birthday/holiday and see what happens. If anyone has the gall to complain, you can explain, "Since I never heard thank you from you, I assumed that you didn't need any money but I did want to let you know how special you are to me with that card."

If your kids are financially okay, they shouldn't get too upset. And if they do, then you'll have made your point.

This is an excellent idea. - Noconfrontational and

[ In Reply To ..]
nonjudgmental. It will make your point in a calm way and leave the ball in their court.

Your boyfriend's reaction is, um ... - interesting

[ In Reply To ..]
and rather telling. He has no stake in this issue beyond the clear fact that you have been hurt, yet he takes the side of the people who are hurting you and treating you with disrespect. While you are drawing a line with your children, maybe it might be a good idea to evaluate your relationship with him. He should be supporting you and should be concerned that your children are treating you badly.

I can see the stopping of the gifts, but the note... - You are trying to punish them.

[ In Reply To ..]
If you want to stop sending gifts, stop sending them. If your goal is to make your children feel guilty, send the note.

At least be honest with yourself about what - you are trying to do here.

[ In Reply To ..]
Sending a note to tell your kids that you are no longer sending gifts is catty. Your boyfriend is right. You are being mean.

I have the same situation - and it really hurts

[ In Reply To ..]
my feelings. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me that my children dont care enough to remember holidays. I would simply send cards with no gifts so that they realize you are thinking of them. We can't control what other people do, so we have to adjust our expectations. I take some comfort in remembering how busy I was as a younger person and kind of took family for granted. I regretted that as I got older and think my kids will also as they mature. It still hurts though.

I'd definitely stop also. My niece is raising (sm) - Lola

[ In Reply To ..]
her son to appreciate every gift he gets. He has to write thank you notes for every gift. My niece tells her son (he is 7 years old)no matter whether you like the gift or not, that person went out of their way to shop for a gift espeically for you and spend their money on you when they could have bought something for themselves. I was really proud of her.

Devil's advocate. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I never taught my kids to send thank you notes to immediate family. It is something that none of us have ever done, and it was not important to us. I did make my kids say thank you, even if the gifts were awful.

Now my children are grown and very self-sufficient. My oldest daughter has kids. She is a very busy mom of 2 small children, works full time, and goes to school part time. She does not actually forget my birthday or Mother's Day, but you can tell the gifts have no thought behind them, and were picked up from the drug store on the way to my house, or there is a gift certificate with a card. Hey, at least she comes to see me.

My other daughter and I help out with the kids as much as we can. We are of the belief, "It takes a village to raise a child." They are with us 1-2 weekends a month. We both buy for these kids all year, birthdays, holidays, and not. Because of their mom and dad's lack of training, my other daughter and I have taught these kids to say thank you. We have taught them about not being materalistic. Last year, we helped them get the perfect gifts for their parents for Christmas. They were so proud (ages 3 and 5) of what they had done, and wrapped it. The 5-year-old repeated that it was just as important to give a gift as it was to receive one, and if you could not buy a gift, "You give your love." There was a VERY big deal made out of this, but long story short, my daughter (their mother) instantly picked up on the lack of training in this area with her own children. She did not say anything to me, but she did to her sister, and she felt just awful about it.

Point is, is there any way you can help teach your grandchildren the proper behavior here? Maybe you do not consider that your responsibility, but if their parents are not doing it, perhaps you could call and speak to the children and say, "Did you get the gift. I did not know since I did not hear from you." You could also say this to their mother and father. In my case, as well as yours, you could teach the adults by teaching their children.

I just do not think you give a gift for recognition. There is no excuse for bad manners, and certainly not for your children ignoring you. I do not know how old these kids are, but I would not deprive my grandchildren of gifts that I want them to have because of their parents shortcomings, I would try to DO something about it and change it instead of retaliating. Maybe retaliation is not your intention, but it appears this way.

Find a way to change this without a negative confrontation that will have a lasting affect on your relationships. This is not how you want to be remembered. This is what I would do, but you know your situation better than I do. Just try to consider an alternative.

counterpoint - interesting discussion

[ In Reply To ..]
OP states her children are professional, so I infer they do not lack knowledge of manners. The children could at least call and thank their grandmother if thank you notes seem excessive. I think children need to learn consequences of their actions,so not sending a gift makes a point. Sending a card indicates grandmother is still thinking of them. A gift is not mandatory, and since it causes grandmother pain and apparently means little to the grandchildren, she is not required to send one. I dont think it is punitive to stop doing something that is unpleasant for you.

Interesting discussion. - Again, just saying

[ In Reply To ..]
I do not know how old these children are. You are right that they should learn the proper etiquette, but if their parents are not going to teach them, could the grandmother take it upon herself to do so? Perhaps they do not have that kind of relationship, I don't know.

I guess my point was that she should try to avoid conflict and doing anything that would also make herself unhappy, permanently. Instead of making this final decison, and sending them a note saying so, try a reasoning approach. Perhaps the opportunity to discuss this with the parents would come up, and she could state her feelings on the matter in a calm manner. I don't know, but it could fix everything. If she truly does not want to punish them, or herself, it is worth a shot. If presented in the right way, I cannot imagine her grown children not agreeing with her.

good points. - your approach

[ In Reply To ..]
would be the best first step to try.

Agree and sympathize with everyone here. - Suzy Q

[ In Reply To ..]
I am not sure why, but seems like our younger generation either never learned manners or they just do not care. I have sent many presents to niece and nephew. They usually do not tell me thank you. My grandkids are pretty good though.

Just do not feel alone as there are many of us here going through the same thing. It is sad that youg people are so busy they never have time to say thank you.

Here's what I did - ue

[ In Reply To ..]
We moved away from family but continued sending gifts to nieces/nephews/siblings for a number of years. When our kids came along, we expected the same, but that didn't happen, except from their grandparents. My kids always sent thank-you notes for any gifts received.

Realizing that it might be a financial and time burden for my siblings' growing families to send gifts, and with rising shipping costs, we settled for just sending cards and then going a little overboard on our own kids.

When we stopped giving Christmas gifts by mutual consent, I still had a void. To fill that need, we started giving Christmas gifts to some nieces on the other side of the family who were not too well off. It's been fulfilling and a blessing for us, and they girls are so grateful.

My advice -- find/adopt a less well off family and lavish your love and gifts on them.

Agree totally - oaf

[ In Reply To ..]
As we get older we need to look out for those nickels and dimes. This year I've stopped sending to people who can't even acknowledge the gift or send a note. You have to draw the line somewhere and think of yourself. I know that sound horrible - but my husband and I have always been too generous and it seems the road just goes in their direction..I agree with all of you!

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