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Proper intervention/punishment for a 3 yo.
Posted: Mar 1, 2011
He's my grandson but so out of control. The parents punish him for anything he does wrong. It's to the point when they visit, I want to hide. In the store, he knocks packages on the floor, runs all over the store, climbs the shelves, etc. At home, he writes all over the walls, empties cereal boxes, pokes the dog in the eyes, pours his juice or milk on the floor, and more. When here, he sprays people with the water hose, empties the coal bucket and throws things at our dog, grabs DH's tools and tries to break them or breaks his own toys, yanks on the dog's leash, lets his expensive toys lying around (and some have already been driven over), etc. The final straw for me was this weekend here when his father was changing oil in the car. As soon as his father crawled out from under the car with the discarded oil in the pan, GS grabbed it and threw it, getting oil all over the car and ground. When DH told our son he better straighten the kid out or they're going to be in a world of trouble later on and he should punish him for these antics, our son stated he won't spank him and he doesn't like to punish him in any other way because it won't do any good.
What would be the appropriate punishment? The kid doesn't understand the word 'no' unless he says no to something he was told to do. He laughs at everything he does wrong.
Times have changed so I don't know what is acceptable anymore and I certainly don't want to be arrested for punishing the kid. I doubt time-outs would help at all. Throwing toys away doesn't do any good. He gets new toys every week from his other grandmother, aunts and babysitter.
It's really frustrating. It's so hard to not want to intervene or warm his bottom. I've already come in the house to keep my cool, but don't know how much more I can take.
Help anyone?
;
Have they taken him to a doctor to see if there - sm
[ In Reply To ..]might be a physical or mental problem as to why he is acting out all the time??? I don't believe in medicating kids just because, but working for child psychologist/psychiatrist it sounds as though he needs professional help. His parents need to do that or apply strict discipline now while they can or think what he will be as a teenager.
I truly think no discipline is the problem and he - Backwards Typist
[ In Reply To ..]gets regular checkups. I think he needs discipline. He knows right from wrong and I think he does some of these things to see if he can push his parent's buttons or to see how much he can get away with.
Children like boundaries... - Kendra
[ In Reply To ..]I have a friend whose son is absolutely out of control. He bites (hard enough to leave marks and break skin, usually on the other child's face), he breaks things, mouths off to his mom, et cetera. He is 3. I usually allow it until I can't stand it anymore, or he attempts to bite one of my children, then I discipline him. I give him timeouts and did once smack him (I know, I know, I should not hit someone else's child, but he was attached to my not quite 2-year-old at the time son's face and she was begging him to please stop biting. I had enough.) At any rate, the child LOVES me. He hugs me--he cries when I leave. It is a little strange because, to be honest, I am not very nice to him. He is screaming out for some discipline, I think, and so is your grandson, probably. I hope it works out.
Wow--I would be mortified... - Kendra
[ In Reply To ..]I am sure I will get an earful, but I have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old and I will be honest; I spank. My kids do behave, though. I hope they work it out before it gets too out of control.
Intervention - justme
[ In Reply To ..]I would suggest possibly what other poster said, take him to a doctor to see if there is something physically/chemically wrong with him or maybe it is just the fact that he knows he can get away with it because parents do not punish. Or, call Super Nanny for help for the parents and the child in learning how to handle situations and behavior like this. I've watched that show, and I think there's another one but can't think of name, and those kids are totally out of control and parents don't know how to deal with them or just don't deal with them.
Check the Dr. Phil website - he did a show.....
[ In Reply To ..]Dr Phil did a show about 6 or 8 weeks ago. He had a guy on the show, and I can't remember his name, that was an expert on out of control kids and he has written a book. I am sure you will find the link on the Dr. Phil website. Anyway the guy has an interesting concept. What he said was you do is you wait until the kid is "Not" acting out and then you throw his toys, scream, yell, cry, roll on the ground and you say to him Johnny lets throw your toys, or whatever action you want to do. Make him do it with you and it takes the attention factor away from him doing it to you. His concept was interesting to me because I have a cousin whose son had a child with a girl (both of whom were on drugs at the time). She was trying to get at least joint guardianship with the other grandmother. In the process she has gotten to have the child alot of the time. The little girl is fine but her brother, who is by another father, has many problems that I am sure are caused by her drug use while she was pregnant with him. In my cousin's quest to have more time with her granddaughter it, somehow turned into a package deal, you want her you have to take him too. That little boy is just like the OP's grandson with the way he acts out. Not saying the OP's grandson's problems have anything to do with drugs, just the out of control behavior is driving my cousin crazy. Her hands are tied as the mother is now out of prison and she and her mom have control over the kids and they are great at saying one thing and doing the opposite. My cousin told the other grandmother to request to have the child tested through the school and she says "Oh they will do that?" and then ignores the entire situation. Anyway to get back on track, I was quite interested in the concepts the guy was presenting on the show and in his book. Just a suggestion as something you might want to check into.
Give him a spanking! - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I do not beleive in pussyfooting around. If his father does not spank him now, later the world is going to. I don't beleive in beating or spanking with an object, but a swat on the bottom never killed anyone. I have had to spank my 11yo son probably 2 or 3 times in his whole life because that was all he needed. He is a joy to be around and people love him wherever he goes, be it in sports, school, socially, etc. It is not fair to set your grandson up for people not to like him. If he does not learn boundries and the meaning of no, school is going to be a nightmare for him. Your son is not doing his son any favors.
continuation of my previous post - had to step out - justme
[ In Reply To ..]I agree 100% with what you said!! All it might take also is for grandma or grandpa, in front of mom and/or dad, to grab this child sternly by the arm when he does something naughty and raise your voice telling him not to do whatever it is that he is doing; tell him to sit his little butt down until he can behave. But I would make sure you have a very strong tone to your voice to show that you mean business. No gentle talking. It needs to be enough to kind of shock the child. Especially if he is behaving like that in YOUR house, I would definitely punish him some how.
No problem with a strong tone. Even our dog - Backwards Typist
[ In Reply To ..]cowers when I say 'No' or "lay down" (when she's begging daddy for table scraps at dinner time. LOL
I want to put him in a chair but I'm holding back as I believe it is the parent's role to do the punishing. When he was younger, he was afraid of me. Don't know why, but wouldn't come near me. I never raised my voice to him. Maybe it was the look on my face when he misbehaved. I can assure you I don't look like a witch, nor act like one, so I don't know what the reason was that he was so afraid of me. Maybe it was my voice.
But his butt!! - Lane
[ In Reply To ..]It's been done to millions and we all survived it. At that age is when he needs to start learning respect and manners and whats right and wrong.
Who Is Raising The Kid? - Curious
[ In Reply To ..]So, I'm not clear. Who is raising the child? If both parents work and the kid is in daycare, then nobody is raising him, he's raising himself with a bunch of other little ones. If you have him full time, then you're raising him, and I would tell the parents to raise their own kid, you did your time.
Which leads me to, parents who dump their kids in daycare (or elsewhere, grandma's, aunt's, Tootsy Malone down the road) don't bother disciplining them when they finally see the kid, because it's the only time they see the kid and they want it all "nice." Guilt? Maybe, who knows. But they don't bother. OR, conversely, they beat the crud out of the kid in what little time they do have with them.
You don't mention if the parents are fighting, drinking, carrying on out of control. If they are,then of course, one couldn't expect a 3-year-old kid to have any self discipline.
If you ask me, this "out of control" child stuff is something in newer times, so you can't convince me there's always a medical problem.
The parents both work and they have a babysitter, not daycare. - Backwards Typist
[ In Reply To ..]I don't babysit. My kids didn't have daycare and only a half a day babysitter when kindergarten age, and look to my kids raising their own kids. They do take my grandson to her mother's on a Friday night for sleeping over so they can go out to dinner, dance, quiet night at home, or whatever.
As for fighting, wouldn't know about that. That's their personal life and I don't stick my nose in it. They do have spats once-in-a-while. They're young. Most young marrieds do fight at times. Our son doesn't confide in us and I really don't want to know anyway. None of my business. If he would ask my advice, I'd gladly give it, but he doesn't, so I don't.
P.S. When my son is between jobs and laid off - Backwards Typist
[ In Reply To ..](he works building construction), he takes care of him and when mom has her mid-week days off, she takes care of him.
I think you found the answer for it - AARPMom
[ In Reply To ..]With the mom and dad switching off with the babysitter and the other grandmom, I doubt the child is getting enough structure in his routine or consistency between grownups. A steady routine usually works wonders for children who feel they can run the show. It sounds like the parents are not interested, though, in cooperating enough to provide either that or enough communication that would afford similar behavior techniques between caregivers.
Bingo! - Curious
[ In Reply To ..]Bingo. It took all these notes. See, I knew it. This poor kid doesn't have a medical problem, he's got a bouncing-around problem from one to the other and here and there, spending not enough time with one or the other, and all sorts of interesting things.
That's the answer to "why," but doesn't solve the problem. Sorry, grandma, the kids life is chaos and if that doesn't change, he's certainly not going to. It's not your fault, but you need to recognize that the problem isn't a brain chemical problem. Sure, a doc would be happy to diagnose him with something and medicate him, zombie him out. That would solve the grown-ups' problems.
re: Wild GS - G-ma
[ In Reply To ..]If you take the child to a doctor, they WILL diagnose him with ADHD or OCD and WILL put him on medications. They have no consciouness about doing this and it is the easy out. They might even recommend "therapy". (I do tons of psyche reports on little kids and think it's a shame that 85% are on meds to "stabilize" them)...
I agree with "Curious". This kid is running the show and his parents don't give a damn! A little mess here and there and a little clumsiness is to be expected at this age, but this kids sounds like a ferral child!
I would NOT have them over to my house unless they took action! They're wrecking your place! I'd tell them why too.
My son divorced and he is overseas right now. His ex is a terrible mom and my GD is out of control, BUT when she is with me, she is a different child! I use discipline and age appropriate "punishments". There HAS TO BE a consequence for bad behavior, rather than none to reinforce it.
In my house, they follow my rules PERIOD. I'd do the same if I were you. Lay down your house rules. If they get offended, you can tell them you'll come by and visit them or meet them somewhere. Believe it or not, it will work!
I don't indulge the GD either. She tries to fuss when we go to stores about getting a toy. I just say NO. Firmly and that is that. Once she did tantrum and swatted her bottom, gathered her up and left the store and brought her right home to mommy and went back to the store. Later DIL called and said that GD said she was sorry and wanted to come back over. Hmm... I think children want and need rules and guidelines. They need to know limits and expectations in behavior at home and in public. If your GS isn't getting that, he's gonna keep acting out...
re: GS - jp
[ In Reply To ..]ya, they will give him medications and won\'t think twice about it either. docs give meds these days to appease the parents rather than help the kids. It\'s all a matter of tolerance. The kids are a product of a society who is lazy and self absorbed.
Committing to following through - starstruck
[ In Reply To ..]Your son doesn't have to spank his child, but he does have to realize that it took 3 years for this little one to become a handful, so he needs to be consistent in showing that behaviors have consequences. Today's parents are like their kids--they want instant gratification. If the problem isn't "fixed" in 1 or 2 tries, they give up. You reap what you sow. If his son is out of control, no one will want to have him around. I think you are doing the right thing by removing yourself from the situation when it gets to be too much. It sounds harsh, but sometimes a mean look and a cold, "Grandma doesn't like you when you..." and then walking away from him will end the behavior. Your GS loves you and won't want your rejction.
Unruly grandchild - patience
[ In Reply To ..]You might try the Feingold diet on your grandchild. The diet is old, restricts sweets, additives to foods, etc. Sometimes diet causes behavior problems. Food additives caused hyperactivity in my daughter.
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