A community of 30,000 US Transcriptionist serving Medical Transcription Industry

I need a good therapist or a life coach.

Posted: Jun 22, 2010

I am 43 years old and my life is just out of control. I'm overweight. I'm married to a total loser who will not work, does not contribute to the household whatsoever, and spends most evenings passed out on my couch. I have kicked him out numerous times only to be manipulated in letting him move back in -- i.e. he's sick, had surgery and needs help recovering, etc. I have two kids I spoil. I give them money when they don't deserve it or I can't afford it. I've allowed one of my 17yo son's friends to move in in order for him to remain in the school district because his mom got married and moved. The orginal agreement I had with his mother was she would pay me $200 which was what she received each month from his late father's social security benefits. His grandmother lives one block over from and he eats several meals there, so I thought it was fair. A month after he moved in, she asked if she could reduce it to $150 so she could use $50 of the SS check to cover his cell phone bill. Of course I said "no problem." A couple of months ago, she was injured on the job and is now in the process of applying for disability and she found her new husband has been cheating on her and she has to move out and asked me if she could start paying me $100 a month because she's not receiving a pay check right now. And of course I felt sorry for her and said that was fine.

I took another female friend of my son's because she had nowhere to live. She promised to pay rent and help out around the house. She eventually paid nothing and cleaned the bathroom twice. She ran off to chase after some guy she met on the internet. And I still talk to her on the phone and tell her I'm here for her.

I feel sorry for everyone. Give me your sob story and I will try to help you even if I can't afford it. I try to be there for everyone. One friend is fighting with his mom or dad and wants to spend the night until it blows over, I say yes. One mom is having a "crisis" and wonders if I can babysiter her 7 yo daughter (a friend of my daughter's) even though I'm working and trying to get me lines, I say yes. Now my daughter routinely has a couple of friends come over to play and always asks them to stay for dinner. My son always has friends hanging out. My husband is always stealing my spare change to buy a beer, but if he's not here, the father of my kids would be homeless.

I just recently bounced a bunch of checks because I was not keeping a close enough eye on my checkbook. I was supposed to give my mom a payment towards money I owe, but I couldn't because I screwed up my finances. My mom decided it was intervention time and she started to give me the usual lecture about how she loves me, but that I need to take control of my house, my life, and just be a stronger person.

And I know she's right, but I can't seem to follow through with anything. My mom is the strongest woman I've ever known. I respect her immensely. No takes crap from no one. She can tell her bosses at work exactly what she's thinking without batting an eye or having any fear. When she feels she hasn't gotten enough of a raise during evaluation time, she let's them know it and has actually managed to squeeze more money out of them. She is healthy, strong, and motivated. She is 65 and goes to Curves every day of the week to exercise.

I have always wanted to be like her and I have never been close. What is wrong with me? Why can't I take control of my life and be stronger mentally, emotionally and physically? I know what I NEED to do it, I just don't know how to do it. I need to change the way I think. How do I help people like I want to, but not have it take over my life? How do I talke control of my life? How do change 43 years of thinking? I don't even know where to begin?

Even now my mind is filled with "I don't want to be mean. I want people to know they can count on me. I want to help people. I feel sorry for these kids with bad home lifes and bad parents."

My mom says I can't fix everyone. It's great that I want to try, but I can't do it and that I need to focus on fixing myself and taking care of my kids first. How do I do that?

I've thought about finding a counselor, therapist or life coach, but how do you do that? Is there a pill out there I can take that will make me stronger mentally? I already take Effexor for panic attacks and anxiety. I don't want to rely on "happy" pills to magically cure me. I want to do this myself.

So where do I go from her.

;

Therapy is a good start. - Happy MT Robin

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds to me like the root of a lot of your problems is self esteem. I think you're doing a lot of this stuff because you want people to like you. You don't want them to think you're mean and you're afraid that if you say no to them that's what they'll think. The only person who's getting hurt from this, though, is you. Think about your mom for a minute; this strong woman whom you admire so much. When she stands up for herself do you think people like her any less?

Coming to the realization that you can't fix everyone's problems is a tough one. I empathize with you wanting to help these kids, but you're harming yourself in the process. I was like that with cats to some extent. I want to save them all and I finally learned that I just can't. It's sad, but it's the way it is.

The hardest thing I ever learned was years ago when I was promoted above all of my coworkers into a management position. I had to realize very fast that it didn't matter if they liked me or not, as long as they did what I told them to do. Period. Your daughter may be mad the first couple of times that yuo tell her the friends can't stay for dinner, your son may be a little miffed when you tell him that he and his friends have to quiet down so you can work, but they'll get over it. The friend's parents HAVE to be made aware that just because you're home does not mean you are not working. That's a big one. You wouldn't call them and ask them to watch your kid in the middle of the day while they're at work, so they can't do that to you.

Do you have any kind of health insurance with your job and does it cover mental health? If so, I would strongly recommend that you find a counselor. You can find them listed in the yellow pages, or you could try your paster at church (if you go) to see if he or she has any recommendations. Your primary care physician might also have some good recommendations. Be very upfront when you call for that initial appointment so they know if they'll be a good fit for you.

Short term, kick the husband out. Whether that makes him homeless or not, that's not your problem any more. He's a big boy and he can figure something out. You don't need him around draining you even more. If you think you can, call the mother of the kid who is living with you and explain that you're having some issues and you need either the $200 that was initially agreed upon, or the kid can go live with Grandma.

Take the good parts of what your mom is saying about being stronger and take them for what they're intended to be as a pep talk. People like your mom who are really strong don't always get the people who aren't. It would never occur to her to be taken advantage of and she just flat out doesn't understand how someone else could have that happen.

Start out each day with an affirmation of some sort. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say "today I'm going to be strong. I'm going to stand up for myself." Say that every morning. Pin it to your computer. It'll take a while, and you may have some days where you backslide a bit, but it's a marathon, not a sprint, so you take it one day at a time. That first time you say "no" to someone and realize that the sky is not going to fall on you will be a great feeling and you'll want to do it more and more.

Good luck. I really hope you find some peace and some solutions.

Therapy - Tootsie

[ In Reply To ..]
Great Advice!!! I whole heartedly agree with every word said! Just do it! You are a great person inside for caring so much, but you must learn the word NO. People will respect you more if you learn how to use it. They respect you less for being a door mat, which is why you are being used!

You don't need a therapist - TiredMT

[ In Reply To ..]
You need to practice the word "no." No, I cannot take your kid in. No, you cannot stay here if you need to. No, I will not give you money just because. No, I will not take care of you because you would rather lay on the couch all day and steal my change. You have to say no and take your life back sweetie, before this life that you have allowed others to create for you, kills you.

It's not just that...it is enabling those - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
around her to learn how to make other people give them what they want, which is a lesson they are going to live a whole life time doing. These kids will not learn how to take care of themselves because they will find someone to take care of them instead, usually not in a healthy relationship. You can feel humane towards others without caving in about everything. Listening to their problems and offering feedback WITHOUT trying to solve their problems by claiming for herself would be a start. And it all starts with "no."

Excellent point! - TiredMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I realized that I was enabling my oldest daughter by providing her with everything. She had no need to work when I was handing her money everytime her hand was out. She would look for work but there was no real hurry because mommie was there. I stopped and now she's working FT at a job she really doesn't like but provides a paycheck. She continues to go on interviews loking for a job that is more suitable. I admit, it's hard to accept that you are enabling your own children or family because as family, we want to help but sometimes that is not the help they need.

True. Look at nature - StarTrekMT

[ In Reply To ..]
We see a baby bird being pushed out of its nest by the mother bird. There is a reason for that. The bird will fly. We have to learn from nature, because their natural instincts are not as corrupted as ours, because we have the ability to reason, which can often side on error. It is hard to let our children go, because maybe we feel they won't need us anymore. But I don't think that we want them to need us so much we lose ourselves. I have gone through this and I find that my son respects himself more even at the young age he is (fourth grade) if I don't get him something and he makes it himself. He now even gets a blanket for me if I am lying on the couch and I have a headache for instance. He is learning to help others rather than just thinking of himself. At the same time, he is feeling more grown up able to do things himself. It is hard, but you will find that if you let them go they will indeed come back and prove to you how much they have succeeded. In the meantime you have time to nurture yourself. Someone once told me to imagine our inner child and take care of that child first. This way we will be totally healthy and have healthy relationships. I guess that's how the mama bird was able to learn from her mama and so forth and so the species of birds continue to thrive. You can do it... and think of how much your children (and husband) will do for you once you let them go and cause them to do for themselves. They will thank you. And you will thank yourself. Good luck to you. With you in spirit.

yes to this! Only way to handle this. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Learn to love yourself, give to yourself. Then give to others - StartrekMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I have been the same way my whole life. My mom was too and you know what? It killed her. She gave her all and then got nothing back from her husband or family. I was small, she had me late in life. Most of my life she drank to take the pain away and still would give all to everyone. She had cancer and insisted on scrubbing the floor. I learned this from her. She was a wonderful person, but died young in her 60s and she left me alone when I was 22. My dad remarried quickly and wrote me off as the old family. He and his new wife have lived for 20 years and now he is alone with Alzheimer in a home and his wife won't even let me or my little boy visit. I have had 2 husbands who have been excessively mean and cruel to me. My son's dad, we had to leave when my boy was young and my most recent husband my son's stepdad. We left because not for me, but to make sure my little boy was safe. Now he has me, a mom who is always blaming herself for everything. Why didn't I do anything right? Etc. He keeps saying at the age of 9 it is not me. I have gone to therapy for years, they say it is not me. Yet I fail to believe this. Finally, recently, I got to the point where I said to myself the following: I must learn to love myself (not in an egotistial manner) but love myself so as not to let other people take advantage of me. I must do things for myself to take care of myself and preserve my integrity. I may turn the other cheek, but don't give it away for them to punch until I am dead. And in order for me to love myself this takes work. So, I have to give up worrying about the people who have and continue to be cruel, and work on loving me and my son instead. Enjoy life. Take time for self-care and creativity. Enjoyment. Yes, these cruel people may come back and keep blaming us especially now that we say no to them, no I won't have you in my life, no I won't give you money, no I won't put up with your lying around, etc. But we will be too busy seeing ourselves as our creator sees us, worthy, intelligent, wonderful to worry about the cruel people and they will disappear. Mind you this is a theory. I am only starting this. But I tell you I don't want to die at 60 for allowing others to drag me down and leave my son alone as my mom left me alone. I want to break the cycle. There is nothing wrong with caring about yourself. If you take care of yourself, then you are able to take care of the ones who love you in return and will have healthy relationships. But it starts with a decision today. Say no, feel no guilt, and get busy just sitting and meditating and love will fill you up. Practice this and I just know things will change. Oh, and by the way, be around positive people in person don't isolate. I have isolated myself because my husband has isolated me. For the sake of you and those who truly love you, be around those who care about you. Once you learn to love yourself these kind of people will be drawn to you. I just know it. As I said, this is new for me too, so let's do it together. Life is too short to be a door mat. Did our creator intend on we, the good hearted people to be door mats? I say whole heartedly NO. Be a rose and bloom. Many hugs to you. Remember none of this is your fault. But you must begin today to take care of yourself first no matter what these other people in your life say!

Here is a start: Throw everybody out of your - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
house, except your 2 children.

No dinner parties anymore for school friends, during the week, only 1 on the weekends, maybe.

Tell them that you are the breadwinner here, the only one, that you need a quiet house, so that you can provide for them, your 2 children.

How old are your children?
Over 18? If so, if they do not like it, they can go too.

Start with NO to others and YES to yourself.

And this from today to tomorrow, over night. Sit them down und explain your situation, also that you have to repay your mother. They'll understand.

You are premenopausal, take care of YOURSELF.

And that's where therapy will help her - Another been there/done that

[ In Reply To ..]
Based on her posting, she is aware of her weakness but at this moment doesn't have the tools needed to make these life changes. Hopefully, getting in therapy will help her identify triggers and help her enough that she can regain the self-esteem and respect necessary to make these required drastic changes.

It is all so difficult - StarTrekMT

[ In Reply To ..]
All I can add is it is true. It is tough to make changes, to learn to love yourself when you have done so much for others. It breaks a person's heart this whole thing... so please do try to not blame yourself, but get some help, a counselor who will say good things to you about you all the time. I am sorry you are going through this. It is really hard. One day at a time, one minute at a time... please hang in there!

many people help others hoping that - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
in case they will need help from others, they will get it.

Often it is not so, not even from your own children.

Live the moment, take care of yourself, do not procrastinate putting yourself first. If YOU do not, you will?

This is not being selfish, this is survival instinct.

helping others - magsnfla

[ In Reply To ..]
Oh my, girlfriend! You are hungry for love and acceptance. First thing, give up trying to be like your mom. You're different people. It's okay to be helpful but you crossed that line many moons ago and you are an enabler - not a good thing either for yourself or others that you are enabling. Second thing, get a life coach or a therapist - your ins. will pay for counseling and if you don't have ins., every local county or city has mental health services available that charge on a sliding scale. You need to get help for yourself, not the others. Once you get your self respect, you'll stop being a doormat and loser magnet. Third, tell your kids no dinner invites for friends until they clear it with you first. Fourth, hide your spare change from the loser husband.

Similar Messages:

May 04, 2011
I just proofed a note and it was transcribed "Patient is seeing his physical therapist on the 23rd. I will be in surgery that day, but will neck with the therapist in between cases" I wonder how the therapist is going to feel about that! LOL! ...

Jun 22, 2010
Which is HUGE for me! I'm one of these people that puts on a happy face and let's no one in on what's really going on in my personal life. Every time I have made an appointment like this, I end up canceling it. So we'll see. After I posted below and got such encouraging responses and I realized that I had my employee assistance program available to me through the hospital I work for which pays for the first five visits or so of counseling or whatever. ...

Sep 08, 2016
So my daughter is a pretty good softball player. So good, in fact, she made the varisty team her freshman year. She's been playing competitive ball since she was 10. She's been told that if he keeps putting in the hard work, she could play at the college level. Last year, as a freshman when she was playing for varsity, we noticed the coach would make remarks about her being a "midget." She's petite, 5'1" and 105 pounds, but what she lacks in siz ...

Feb 04, 2013
(WXYZ) - Police sources tell 7 Action News that a women's basketball coach from Martin Luther King, Jr. Senior High School shot two men who attacked him as he was walking two basketball players to their cars in the school parking lot. Police sources say the coach was walking the two girls to their cars when two men allegedly approached and one pulled out a gun and grabbed him by his chain necklace. The coach then pulled out his gun and shot both of them, according to sources. The man ...

Apr 17, 2015
nm ...

Mar 07, 2011
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/british-socialized-hc-official-some-premature-babies-should-be-left-to-die/ ...

Aug 31, 2011
In every possible way? Personally for me this would involved many things that do not exist in this world. ...

Feb 25, 2010
Adult subject. Please be forewarned, I am seeking genuine opinions in this matter. I am not seeking to instigate a riot. My husband is a lousy lover. We have been married for 13+ years and I guess it will never change. I have guided, instructed, suggested, taken over, recommended... with no results. He mostly lays there like a slug and (I guess) WANTs me to take over, but it ends up being a CHORE and there is no positive end result for me. I have been avo ...

Jul 25, 2012
Your day as a liberal begins at the crack of dawn with early morning yoga followed by a quick bite of dried seaweed breakfast before hitting the road to attend your latest "peaceful demonstration." On your way home, you're sure to stop and hug a few trees before jumping back on your 100% smog-free bicycle (complete with the "I break from beached whales" sticker). After a delicious lunch of tofu and egg beaters, you must pause to meditate, worship mother earth, and re-contemplate the ef ...

Sep 11, 2012
try to be subtle. He snubs Netanyahu, then announces he is going to appear on Letterman. He is just trash. I'm embarrassed to have him for a President. I wish I could meet him face to face. ...

Dec 08, 2013
What will you do today to make your short time here on earth even more amazing? Don't just exist ... LIVE. ...

Nov 21, 2014
My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and were forever grateful to FDR for bringing the country through. When I asked them why they were Democrats, they said it was because of FDR. If, in a generation or 2, someone asks a Latino why are they are Democrats, how much do want to bet they will say because of Obama? Note: I don't think that FDR or Obama took they actions they did to build a political party, they just did what they believed was right. I will be a ...

Feb 17, 2015
Yup! ...

Feb 21, 2015
you that he wanted to fundamentally change you, would you think he loved you? Case closed. ...

May 10, 2017
Former President Barack Obama traveled to Italy this week to make a speech on climate change at the “Seed & Chips: The Global Food Innovation Summit” in the city of Milan. It seems like Obama has taken a page out of Leonardo DiCaprio's book of “do as I say, not as I do” and took a private jet to Milan. Not only that, he had a 14 car convoy to get into the city, which also included protection from above with a helicopter. More at link... ...

Jun 26, 2017
A mother's words to VP Pence on the Republican health care plan: (Excerpt) "Personal responsibility, Mr. Pence? What exactly are you referring to here? Because I really don't know how my six year old, who is non-verbal, non-ambulatory, exclusively tube fed, vision impaired and medically fragile, who relies on me and a handful of other caregivers for literally everything, is supposed to take personal responsibility for his own health. You know, since it was his f ...

Aug 23, 2017
"What Happened?" ...

Feb 18, 2012
... ...

Nov 21, 2009
Real life comedy......always something in my house!! My hubby left to go get his monthly haircut. An hour later he calls and tells me he's in Wal-Mart and about to buy some Wahl hair clippers. He said since he wears his hair so short, even a monkey could cut his hair. Well, I told him, "Hon, we don't own a monkey, so go put those clippers back". ...

Mar 01, 2011
I had taken a medical transcription course and graduated with a certificate of honors 2 years ago. I never found a job in the field despite all of the hard work and effordt I put into it. I ended up getting a PRN job in the medical field doing something different: performing hearing screens on newborn babies at the hospital. I found a job as an audiology tech at a bigger hospital and I would be doing this full time! I was selected for the position (yay!) and have to pass all of these tests to st ...

Jun 08, 2011
So the big news is using standing desks because sitting in a chair is bad for you even if you work out regularly. I tried it today and it would be very hard to get used to it because using the pedal is super annoying. I'm wondering what you recommend and how you keep from just sitting in the chair for hours on end. Let's come up with some good ideas for staying active. ...

Aug 05, 2011
Okay, before anyone replies with "you're the only one who can change things" or anything like that, I know that already. I know not to be living in a dream world, be grateful for what I have, etc. I know all that stuff. I'm just wondering if there are other people who feel like they are living in a different life they are not meant to be in. I don't know how to describe it. I feel like I'm in limbo or something. I was pulling up some differ ...

Oct 13, 2010
Before his forced resignation, President Richard Nixon declared, "When the president does it, that means it is not illegal." Our current chief executive, however, speaking this year at the Pentagon on Sept. 11, said of our terrorist enemies: "They may seek to exploit our freedoms, but we will not sacrifice the liberties we cherish or hunker down behind walls of suspicion and distrust." By contrast, on Sept. 27, Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Charlie Savage, the press' Paul Revere guardian ...

Apr 05, 2010
Isn't it classic wisdom to "learn something from every event or encounter you have in your life?? Oh I take it seriously. So here's what I am learning (and the other classic wisdom -- you can read about something, you can study it --- but you won't really know 'what it is' until you EXPERIENCE IT. I am now learning what it feels like (okay it's just a metaphor) to be a 'banana picker' in the Dominican Republic. You live in a country wit ...

Apr 16, 2010
Please don't try to think just because these are Indians, this couldn't be you..... it's already rampant in other communities as well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHxRSakuGMg ...

Jul 28, 2010
Health and Life insurance quotes and information 1-800-933-2907 Only available in Michigan, Ohio, South Carolina, Virginia, and Maryland. ...

Jul 25, 2012
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A REPUBLICAN Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised. All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union ...

Sep 02, 2012
kindness, and clear-eyed understanding, would be in order? Lots of us have a bit of this tendency, but some may too much for their or anyone else's good, and these grim times just accentuate it. This tendency has to be combated by able people, but not with pointless back-and-forth arguments with those whose convictions are just reinforced by resistance. “As a member of the avant-garde who is capable of perceiving the conspiracy before it is fully obvious to an as yet unaroused ...

Dec 11, 2012
Original thread is getting pretty far down and I am curious because I have yet to hear a politican other than Mitch Daniels bring up this issue without screaming about killing grandma or using death panels. When Medicare spends 25% of it's resources on end of life treatment then it's time for everyone to discuss this issue in a reasonable fashion. Personally, and as one who is on Medicare, I feel that everyone who applies should have to include their advanced directives whi ...

Apr 15, 2013
I was going to try to Facetime with a friend tonight in another state. Her iPad was being fixed and now her's is fixed and mine is saying to enter my ID, which I did, said it was not right, tried to open up another one and still could not. I am so vexed right now. I don't give a rat's behind about what is said about things being so much easier now than in years past. What a bunch of baloney. If husband not here and I accidentally hit the wrong button on the remote and the TV went ...