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How do you support someone you don't agree with?

Posted: Jan 9, 2010

My little sister got married young (18), even after we said she should probably wait... was only with the guy for like 8 months but he was joining the military and being deployed, so they got married.

Four years later, she has a gorgeous 16 month old, but apparently is no longer "in love" with hubby. she says she has felt this way for 3 years.

to make a long story short, she basically doesn't want to stay in the marriage. My parents who are very conservative tell her basically it doesn't matter what she wants, now that there is a child involved, she has to not be selfish any longer.

I only partially agree. They have been to counseling for 6 months, but her basic feeling is NOTHING towards him, not when she looks at him, nothing. personally im not sure why he has stuck around so long, he does EVERYTHING for her, supports her, loves her... she has it good she really does. We have told her all the normal stuff, the grass isn't greener etc etc...

but she's so young and spoiled, she really doesn't get it. My question is though, how do i still support my sister because I Love her... even though i disagree with her decision to want to leave her husband? It is not my choice, but SHE made the choice to get married, and then have a baby (when she says she was already unhappy). I am the most understanding because not feeling "in love" is really hard, but marriage is not "IN LOVE" all the time...

she is resistant to everything we say, cause it's not what she wants to hear. I have told her she needs to see a counselor by herself, instead of as a couple, and get to the root of why she is unhappy. she wont listen...

i know at some point we just have to step away, but our family is very close and we try to help each other and be there.

what to do??? (and on a side note... HOW do you deal with not feeling those feelings of love anymore?? can you overcome that?)

;

You cannot make her stay if she is determined to leave - sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
you might want to point out to her that her life will be very, very different. Is she planning on trying to get custody, where will she live, what income will she have, is she ready to be a single mom, is she is planning on having primary custody (though I have a feeling she would give him custody and cut and run from the sounds of it). I would support her by just being someone she can talk to, be as impartial as you can but not enable her. It is her life to make mistakes, etc., which in time she will (I hope) learn from. Just be a person she can talk to and not judge her or inflict your beliefs upon her. Do not let her move back in with mom and dad, or with you unless you make the ground rules very clear, pay rent, no free babysitting, the baby is her responsibility, etc. She needs to grow up obviously. Married way too young and missed out on her youth basically. Some people can do that if they are mature enough to begin with, others no. If she stays out of obligation then she will be resentful, be nasty to her husband and child and resent them for keeping her there, and she would also probably have affairs as well. --She is unhappy most likely because she married young, had a baby young, and did not reallize it is hard work to be married and to have children, especially when you are so young yourself. She probably sees her friends out partying every weekend, with no responsibilities, maybe still living at home with mom doing everything for them and wishes it was her. It is possible to fall out of love and not have any feelings for the person you were once crazy about, especially if she is blaming him for her present situation and unhappiness. She needs to do what she thinks will make her happy, though I suspect in 10 years, when she is older and wiser, she will regret it and then she will just have to learn to live with it.

If youth but knew what age could tell. - Fingers

[ In Reply To ..]
And 18 is soooo very young to get married. Maybe she sees that now. Unfortunately it is almost impossible to advise in matters of the heart. One thing you have not thought of is there could be someone else and she is just not telling this. It happened with my sister. We could not understand why she wanted out of her marriage. No one knew at all until much later when it was obvious. But she is still with that "someone else" now 20 years later so maybe it was meant to be. She is still my sister and if that is what made her happy then who am I to judge.

No, you do not have to support her decisions and can still support her in life. After all, she is your sister and always will be. Honestly, even if she agreed to stay in this marriage for now - the future looks bleak. I say give her advice when she asks for it and do not be angry if she does not follow it. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Please make sure that you and she remain close.

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