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Grandma support!
Posted: May 12, 2010
My son deployed a few months ago. His wife and my grandson live a few hours away. She is always in some crisis or another, complaining about how she can't handle their child. He is 3... She works full time, makes time for the gym and "girls time" with her friends and he is in day care 8 - 10 hours a day! How hard can it possibly be for her! Seems like all she needs to do is cook him dinner and put him to bed! I figure if she can make she she's always dressed to the 9 and looking good, she just needs to take some her her personal time and put it into taking care of the baby.
So, she complains a lot to my son (like a person overseas dealing with the war needs to hear whining). She calls me up to come and help, like it's just a drive around the corner, to come and help. I have, of course. He's a typical toddler, a handful, but he's not a horrible child like she makes him out to be! I finally suggested counseling for dealing with separation (for her...) and that didn't go over well. She said she really needed a break and asked my husband and I if we'd take him for a week or two. Of course we did.
This has become routine. We get him for a week and a half out of the month. She wants us to keep him while she goes on vacation now. I just don't know what to think about that woman... Actually I do know what to think, I just don't know how I'm suppose say anymore.
My son is Mr. Mom. This child is devastated that he is gone and he clings to her for support and reassurance and her responses are usually something along the lines of "oh my god will you stop fussing! I just got home from work" and turns on the TV and gives him a piece of candy. I can't wait for my son to come home, but it's going to be a few months still.
Then I guess we go on pretending she's that loving mommy... I'm so sad for this sweet baby.
;
daughter-in-law - she sounds
[ In Reply To ..]very selfish. I'm sure she craves some free time, but she needs to suck it up and deal with it. I had twins, and my husband was gone every night and was sleeping all day, so I was basically a single parent at that time. I made it through and somehow worked FT in the process. I don't have much empathy for her.
I do, however, have much empathy for you. I'm sure you are a bright spot in that's child's life:) He will remember the time he spent with you, so cherish it!
I think that maybe you are a little too hard on her... - Kendra
[ In Reply To ..]I am sure that this will be an unpopular response, but....If you don't want to take your grandson, say no, but maybe you should refrain from judgement on every aspect of her life. As a military spouse with a deployed husband, I can empathize with your DIL. I do have my kids all the time and work, but I have no idea how stressful her job is and what is going on with her emotionally. I sure wish that I had someone within three hours that I could call for help when I am at my wit's end, but alas, I do not. I, too, complain to my husband about things that are bothering me, even though he cannot fix them. What he can do is listen and support me emotionally. Even though he is gone, I still need his emotional support and don't see much wrong with a little complaining here and there, just as I do not resent him when he complains about situations where he is, even though there is nothing I can do about them. I, too, have a MIL who does not much like me and probably thinks that I am a terrible mom. Keep in mind that I am sure that your DIL loves her child very much--even more than you do.
mom again - Maddie
[ In Reply To ..]I really don't think it's a matter of the DIL loving the child "even more than" grandma. I am a military wife, husband deployed and I have 4 kids, from a teen down to a 3 year old. It's a matter of stepping it up! You know your place as a military spouse, you know that when that other spouse is out of the picture that it's gonna be a challenge! It comes with the territory.
Sure, we need the support, but my gosh! I would never pawn my children off because "I need a break"! They are MY children. I am their mother! Our base has support groups and tons of activities for our kids and dependents, also support groups for them, for separation anxiety and such, for all ages. I have used the heck out of them!
What she needs to do is SUCK IT UP and be a responsible, supportive, loving mother and wife.
Grandmother's post made me sad. This seems to be a trend among many young military parents. At least she's not running around on your son. I hope for the child's sake she comes around and realizes that she could be making this time away from her husband as a bonding opportunity, rather than making it seem like the baby is too much for her to handle on her own.
Good luck grandma! I'll put a prayer in the basket at church for your strength and for guidance and blessings for your DIL and grandchild. Hang in there.
What a refreshing post mom again !! sm - Deb
[ In Reply To ..]I guess there are still parents who have children for themselves and take on the responsibility after they have those children. I thought parents like you were a thing of the past. Kudos to you!! I also feel for the grandma because I feel she's being taken advantage of the DIL is playing the guilt card but I know I would cherish any time I got to spend with my grandchildren because that is a rare thing for me. My DILs mother is the "designated" grandma. Also, I appreciate your husband's service to our country-- I'm the mother of a Desert Storm veteran.
Grandmom - LeeNH
[ In Reply To ..]We don't have any grandkids yet, but hopefully not too far off. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I wanted to say I'm thankful your son is serving for us. Also, I think if it were me and my grandson missed his Dad so much, I'd try and be an active part in his life to help the child cope. Why don't you initiate the visits and/or stays at your home so that you don't feel so used? I think if you tried to only focus on the child and not so much your DIL it may be a win-win all around. Just my 2 cents.
These things are absolutely true and... - Kendra
[ In Reply To ..]did I forget to mention that I take care of my kids 100% of the time. Keep in mind that a teenager can be a huge help with the little ones. I have a difficult time going to doctor's appointments without my kids because half of the time, the daycare is full and I cannot even drop them off for a few hours. Absolutely, all of this was part of the package, but I really don't see the big problem with wanting a little help here and there, or a break for that matter. I thought that the grandmother implied that this woman does not love her child and I would be willing to bet that this is untrue. I think that there are two sides to every story and would hate to think what my MIL says about me.
Sympathy. - JP
[ In Reply To ..]I can emphathize. I think you are certainly right on this situation. However, my situation is worse, I have to work 12 hours a day practically, 7 days a week, making pennies at home and having to raise my grandchild and she doesn't sleep at night so I am constantly woken up and she is hard to deal with, not really the perfect grandchild. My youngest daughter is a much worse mother and doesn't seem to know how to break from other hang-ups she has and other things are more important to her than her own daughter. I raised three children and put them first at all times working two jobs, and now I am starting to do it again. 54 and tired. (I should be Queen for a day),Thanks for your story, JP
She sounds like a piece of work - sm -
[ In Reply To ..]I can understand it being tough, but one child is really not that difficult. I can understand wanting a break now and then of course, but as she regularly goes to the gym and out with friends that is really all she should need to blow of some steam. She obviously just does not want to be bothered from the sound of it, obviously not very maternal, is selfish, and it is all about her. She forgets, or doesn't care that she has a child depending on her for everything. A 3-y/o doesn't understand that Daddy is in the Armed Forces serving for his country....though Mom should fully understand. She seems very resentful about it, was he not in the service when they married? Hopefully she is not stepping out as well, sounds like the type to say, well he made me do it, he wasn't here, blah, blah, blah. But for this kid's sanity try to keep him as much as you can, save him from her emotional abuse and uncaring ways. Good luck.
My 2 cents is to keep your 2 cents to yourself. - Loving Nana too
[ In Reply To ..]Whether you are right or wrong does not matter. If you let your feelings be known, it may turn her and your son both against you, and eventually your grandchild too. It sounds to me like this child really needs you, and you do not want anyone to ever deny you the right to be there for him. Definitely keep your opinions to yourself. Remember, you are talking about your son's wife and your grandchild's mother, and that is never never never going to change, so for the sake of the future, bite your tongue, hard.
I have a 3-yo and 6-mo grandchildren. My daughter does need help occasionally. I happened to mention that her DH was away almost every weekend at football games or playing soccer, happy hour after work during the week, and when he is at home he needs to do yardwork, blah, blah, blah. I was keeping the 3-yo about 1 weekend a month and loved it. Still would, except he knows I said something about his lack of involvement and now he does not want them to come to my house. However, he does stay home a little more and help with feeding, baths, grocery shopping, etc. Glad for my daughter but my meddling may have cost me my overnight visitation.
And then sometimes.... - Deb
[ In Reply To ..]you don't have to say a thing. Your DIL or SIL can take issue with you simply because they don't want you around at all. I think it's pathetic if a son or daughter allows a spouse to "pay back" grandparents for perceived wrongs or even things that weren't "perceived." I could never have done that to my parents or in-laws, no matter what they said to me. Emotional blackmail is the worst thing a person can do to another. Now, it would be a different story if there was some kind of abuse going on but making grandparents pay because of petty issues is just sad. I know....I've been through it for 10 years. I would love to get one weekend a month. I have a 10-yo grandson, and 7-yo and 2-1/2 yo granddaughters who I've NEVER got to babysit because my DIL just doesn't like me for whatever reason. I still don't know what it is. I've asked her and she can't even tell me....just says she doesn't like me. I'm not the MIL she expected to have, whatever that means. They won't even bring them by our house. If we want to see them, we have to go over there and then she criticizes everything I say to the grandkids and every way I try to interact with them because it's not the same way her mother is when she's around them. It's heartbreaking but what does a person do?
This is sad, Deb - Loving Nana
[ In Reply To ..]I believe children need all of the love and family they can get, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone. The more the merrier. Like you said, if there is no abusive behavior, there is absolutely no excuse for denying children the love of their extended family. I think my SIL was jealous because when they would come to pick up my grandson, he would cry when he had to leave. We spoil him, I admit. We plan the whole weekend around him and things he likes to do. He gets the full attention 24/7, which they simply cannot do at home, but isn't that a grandparent's job? I think this anger will blow over in the next couple of weeks, especially when they need baby-sitting services again, but these visits with the kids should not be done only at their convenience.
Your situation, however, is very sad. I can't imagine someone denying me my grandkids like that for no good reason. Yes, she has hurt you - but she also has actually denied her children love and time from their grandparent. Again, if there is no good reason, it's a crying shame.
Yes, it's very sad.... - Deb
[ In Reply To ..]I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy what we've been through. I can tell our 10-yo grandson is hurt by it (he's such a good boy) but he knows who "butters his bread" and he would never say anything. The 7-yo just figured out last year we were her grandparents. She's heard us say "grandma and grandpa" but I don't think it ever really connected. I think she just thought we were people who seemed to be around a lot and just wanted to be known as "grandma" and "grandpa." She's never actually called us grandma or grandpa. As far as she was concerned, she only had 1 grandma and 1 grandpa. When we're at games, etc. and she's running around and calls for "grandma" I know she's not talking to me. And the other grandparents don't seem the least bit concerned that their daughter is doing this to us. That makes it even harder on us. When she was 6 she asked me, "You're Daddy's mama aren't you?" I almost lost it. Her other grandma/grandpa are the only ones who get to keep them, take them to the store, on trips, etc. The kids have never been alone with us, except for one time a year ago, we got to take our grandson to the movies. Our son allowed it but afterwards our DIL started coming up with excuses so it wouldn't happen again--in other words, they always had plans of their own so we couldn't do it whenever we asked and it's been that way since so we have given up. The 2-1/2 yo still doesn't know who we are and she won't even let us hold her, let alone get too close and now she's almost too old to want to be held. We really missed out on so much and talking to our son does no good. He thinks we should just go along and play her game...it's easier that way for everyone but us. But at least I get to "see" them and they're all healthy and happy kids so I'm grateful for that.
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