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Hard question to ask

Posted: Jan 29, 2010

This is such a hard question to ask but you guys seem to give great advice and I need some direction. I have been married for 21 years with 4 kids but I am finding that I have changed so much and although I love my husband I am not in love with him and I would much prefer to just be left alone. He can be verbally abusive even though if I ever said that he would never believe it. He does not see what others see. I have reached a point where I just don't want to take the crap anymore. I think I deserve to be treated much better and I could do just fine on my own. Unfortunately, he has a pretty prominent job in the community so this could get pretty ugly. My family has seen the real way he treats me and my friends have seen it recently. They say I don't deserve it and I know it but how do you leave with kids involved? It would be such a shock for me to come out with this because as far as he is concerned, everything is just fine. I, however, am miserable. Two of the kids are in college and I know that when I am left with just me and him I will not be able to stand it for the rest of my life. Anybody been here? Oh, I have in the past asked for family counseling and he says we don't need it so that is not an option. That was about a year ago. I now would not even want the counseling. I just want out.

;

I think you should get out. That's what YOU want, - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
so do it. Your children are grown, at least 2 of them. If you dread already now the time when you and your husband will be alone, what is this for an outlook for the future?
Get out and try to find somebody who loves and respects you.
Just my opinion and good luck to you.

Nonny - Fingers

[ In Reply To ..]
Your feelings are quite normal to some and at the same time very disturbing. Before you can work on your marriage, you need to work on you. Not that there is anything wrong with you per se. Why don't you go to counseling yourself, for you, not for your marriage. Work through some of your issues before you address counseling again with your husband. That is not to say that you are wrong at all. In my opinion, I just think it would be a good idea before you walk away from such a long term marriage and put everyone through this. You need to be absolutely sure this is what you want to do. My hubby and I did counseling. There was still much we disagreed on but we learned how to fight and disagree respectfully, as well as to listen to each other. We had to learn to care about what the other felt even if we disagreed with it.

I have been in your shoes. At one time I thought when the kids were gone I would end up on my own. Then of course there were the college expenses and we had to pull together there. After the kids were out of college of course they did not come back home. It was just hubby and I. At that point we had extra money. We started traveling together. We talked alot. We fixed up the house, sold it, and built a new one. The grandchildren have come along and we love the grandparenting. I have to come to find that we are both different people than we were back then, and we have actually become best friends. There is not much to fight about anymore. We depend on each other and I can not imagine facing life every day without him.

Counseling is always an option for anyone for any reason. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and it is certainly hard for someone to give advice in matters of the heart such as this. You are the only one who truly KNOWS your situation.

I have heard it said, "Walk the path that God has set before you and it will take you where you are meant to be." That can mean different things to different people. I wish you much luck and a happy life.

Don't you think she pondered this option herself - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
hundreds of times? But if, with 4 children, the only thing she wants is to get out, then there must be a heavy reason for this.

Her final decision making will also be influenced by her financial situation before and after.

When people come here on this board and ask for advice, they usually made already up their minds and are looking for reassurance that they made the right decision.

All what I am sensing here is that she wants out, she does not even want to try to fix the relationship, and this says a lot!

I'm where you are - without the public aspect - Working at it

[ In Reply To ..]
We have the same situation - 23 years, one kid in college, one grown but still at home. My husband used to be very sweet and gentle. I know this is true because I never would have married him if he was like what he has become!

He calls it "teasing," says, "I know, I'm a Neanderthal," like this excuses his behavior, and puts it up to being an Alpha male. Mind you, he NEVER physically abusive, but puts down my ideas, makes crude comments when I'm looking for positive feedback, "fakes" pulling away when I go to him for a kiss or hug - - doesn't sound bad, but the cumulative effect is extremely wearing.

He absolutely refuses categorically to go to any kind of counseling. I sought out a marriage counselor on my own, and he thinks it's good that I'm working on "my issues." What I have been learning is ways of changing my responses that elicit changes from him, and he doesn't know it. For example, I stopped trying to get a kiss from him, and after awhile he realized I wasn't going to pursue him and actually asked for a kiss after a few weeks!

I've been in counseling for over a year - never thought it would take this long - and to be honest I still don't know if it's going to work out. But at least I'll know that I've done the best that I can and that any lack of trying will have been on his part. Some days I feel we're back on the right track. I do know our fighting, which used to be daily, is down to one or two a month and more easily resolved. At other times I wonder why I'm the only one who feels that change is necessary.

There may be hope if you want to try to make it work. On the other hand, if going to counseling, etc, is just going through the motions, don't bother.

Good luck, Nonny. I hope everything works out well for you!

Thank you for your comments - nonny

[ In Reply To ..]
It is nice to hear from someone in a similar situation. We have to walk around on eggshells here when he gets home from work cuz he is in a bad mood and one wrong word can cause a fight for a week. I find myself thinking, if I had just kept my mouth shut, all would be fine but why should I have to watch what I say. The kids are learning that too. Just keep quiet and it is okay. However, then I get the "you never talk" so I can't win. Going to counseling would be just going through the motions at this point. A year or 2 ago I wanted that but I think I am just worn down and worn out. I just wonder if counseling for myself with someone on my side would be a good option in getting out. I just don't know.

sounds like a tyrant to me. If you think that you - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
can make it on your own, leave him.

Believe me, life is far too, too short for any unhappiness - Older Broad

[ In Reply To ..]
By the name, I am way up in age and you absolutely need to do what makes you happy. I read posters on here who sound like they are being held hostage by the companies. You can make your own happiness and you should. You will see your life speed by and then wonder where did it go. I have been there and stayed in a relationship far too long, wanted to leave and yet not doing so until finally the guy died. I said never would I remarry, the guy would have to come to my door. He died in May, got remarried in December to a family friend, our family friend, that I did not even know noticed me all the years I had known him. Wish I had left the first one and gone off with the last. I could have been happy for years before I actually was. Now life is sweet, really sweet. I am spoiled beyond belief and loving it. We now have been married almost 10 years. Oh, by the way, this guy had been coming to my door all those years. Donâ��t fool with Karma. I was stuck in a rut before and there is a life afterwards. I know because I am living it now. Good luck!

personal counseling - clunybrown

[ In Reply To ..]
Nonny - I know where your head's at and that you want out. I've been there too. You were wondering about personal counseling and I think that's a great way for you to verbalize your feelings to a professional counselor (I personally would pick a female counselor), get feedback, get a sense of your options, and go from there. I was married to a verbally abusive man for over 10 years. It wears you down and does a number on your self-esteem. You'll want to address this with the counselor because if you decide to exit the marriage you're going to want it to be from a position of strength. Also, and I know you know this already, you'll need to arm yourself with a good attorney, one who has had no contact or knowledge of your husband beforehand, since he is prominent in your community. You might need to go to another nearby town. I wish you the best.

My thoughts - do it - see message - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
It looks like you know what you want and all I can say is do it. You said you love him, but you are not in love with him. I know exactly how you feel. I too love my husband but not in love with him. The 28 years we have been together have taken their toll (on me of course, not him). But I'll tell you one thing I have learned...he will not change. He will always be verbally abusive. He says you don't need counseling. That there should tell you he thinks he is not doing anything wrong. Your kids are grown it sounds, and even if they aren't that is no reason to stay in a relationship like that. You say you want out. I say get out. Do it now for your sanity, your well being, and your future. Think about yourself. If you don't you will always regret it. If you want to get counseling that's all and good and if I were you I'd get it after I left to help me sort out things. It sounds like it will only get worse if you stay.

Yes, I am where you are at. Unfortunately my husband doesn't verbally abuse me. I say unfortunately because if he did I'd leave in a heartbeat. My situation is different but that is for another post. All I say is follow your heart, listen to your family who see how he treats you. I wish you all the best.

I do not understand what people mean when they say: - in love?

[ In Reply To ..]
"I love him, but I am not in love with him?"
What does this mean?

you care about him but do not care to be with him - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I care about him, but I don't care to be with him. I'm not attracted to sexually. I don't want to be held by him or kissed by him or touched by him.

I love my brother, but I am not in love with him, etc.

Being a public figure.... - do it for you

[ In Reply To ..]
is not an excuse. So it makes him look bad publically if you leave, he apparently isn't concerned about looking bad with your family and friends around. An abuser, be it physical/verbal/emotional, is an abuser and if he refuses to go to counseling you are pretty much dead in the water to ever think he will change. He sees nothing wrong with his actions and you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Can you answer this question...when is the last time you did something for yourself? Most people in abusive relationships take care of everyone else and not themselves. You deserve better and if you get out now you can still do things with friends, make new friends, travel, (who knows you might just meet someone else that treats you like you should be treated) and do things you deserve to be able to enjoy. Life is too short to live it hoping someone else will change. If friends and family have seen it, don't think for a minute your kids haven't seen it and it is no way to raise children; girls grow up thinking that is the way men are supposed to treat women and boys grow up thinking that is the way men treat women. You might be very surprised at how proud your children are of you when you stand up and say "I'm not going to let you treat me this way anymore, I deserve better."

thanks, anon.... - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

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