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Furious grandma.

Posted: Feb 7, 2014

My grandchildren by my daughter are very intelligent and well-behaved children. I am very proud of them. They receive discipline when they need it from their parents, and have been taught to be very respectful. I spend a lot of time with them, and know them well.

What is bothering me is their other grandma. She visits her son and my daughter several times a year. She spends the weekend. I have noticed several times at family functions that she tends to yell at my grandson, who is 7, for very petty things. At a family function, we were sitting at the table with him, and her as well. We were asking him questions about school while he was eating. He answered, and she said, "Don't talk with food in your mouth." We started a conversation again, and I asked him a question. She then raised her voice to him and said, "I told you not to talk with food in your mouth." This is just one small example, but there are many. He was watching cartoons one morning when she came downstairs and said good morning to everyone. He was focused on the TV and did not respond to her. She grabbed him by the arm and told him how rude he was for not saying good morning.

I do not know why, but she does not do this to the 3-yr granddaughter. She constantly finds some lame reason to yell at the boy. When I brought it up to my daughter, she said she usually intervenes by asking her son to come into another room for some excuse and gets him away from her. She brought it up to her husband, who had also noticed, but he said he would only say something "if it got out of hand." Meanwhile, she continues to be very deameaning to him and I feel sorry for him because he really is a good boy. My daughter says it is a way for her MIL to feel important in his life, by being authoritative. Give me a break!

What about what I see when his parents are not around? Do I have the right to say anything, to step in? How do I gently let her know she is verbally abusing him, and "picking on him." Should I talk to my daughter about it again? She does not want to cause a family argument, and it is certainly one I do not want to get in the middle of, but something needs to be done. I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Is this none of my business?

;

I would talk to my daughter again... - Trampled underfoot

[ In Reply To ..]
There are a lot of people who feel that little girls are inherently good and little boys inherently bad. I'm sure your grandson can see that his other grandmother treats him different than she does his sister. This is totally unfair and could undermine his self-esteem. Hopefully this other grandmother isn't around much, but I would talk to your daughter and tell her, if she and the husband can't or won't talk to her MIL, they need to sit down with their son and try to explain that they feel she is being (at least somewhat) unfair and for him not to take it too personally.

Plus, if I were you, I'd be sure to spend extra time with him and give him extra attention, since it sounds like he's upstaged by his little sister with the other grandmom.

I wish I could give you an answer - - NYMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I spent 12 years married to a man whose mother I was more happy to divorce than him for exactly the same reason. My older son was "my pobricito" (Spanish for poor little boy) and my younger son was the brat. When he proudly poured his own milk at three years old, she yelled at him and poured it back into the bottle because he hadn't asked permission, which she wouldn't have given. My ex-husband actually finally, when the youngest was about five stood up to her and we stopped taking the kids to see her, but it didn't last long.

All I can do is commiserate and beg you to stay on a steady course. Be the grandma that he knows he can come to for love and respect. This behavior will certainly come back and bite Grandma in the *ss eventually when the kids are allowed to decide who they see and who they don't. Of course, if it comes down to actual physical abuse the child's parents will have to do something and hopefully they'll have the fortitude to do it.

Yes it would be best for your son-in-law to set clear boundaries with his mother. Maybe his idea of what is "out of hand" is different from your daughter's, or yours. The fact is, they are your daughter's and son-in-law's children and they are the ones to decide how their kids are treated. Again, be there for your grandson, let him know he can come to you for love and respect and safety. Oh, and I think it would be good to make sure he knows to tell his parents if she ever hurts him. Talk to your daughter about it, and ask her to tell him that even if he's told not to tell he should come to his mom or dad and tell them what happened.

Good luck with this. Keep close to your grandchildren. It's wonderful to have a close, loving, respectful relationship with grandkids. I'm just finding this out with my four-year-old granddaughter!

what a tough situation - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think there is anything wrong with you saying something directly to her, particularly if she grabs his arm, etc. We are ALL well within our familial rights to stick up for family members, especially kids.

If you don't want to say anything to her in front of others, you could always take her aside and speak to her privately. I might be inclined to say "If you grab/talk to Johnny like that again, you are going to have me to deal with." or - "I want you to stop demeaning/speaking harshly to Johnny."

Thanks guys. You are right - It actually is my business

[ In Reply To ..]
I never really thought of just talking to him about it. She is not my business, but he is. I appreciate your point of view. He spends the night with me once or twice a month. We do fun things together. He has never spent the night with her, mostly because of the distance, but my daughter refuses to let the kids stay with them because she knows this woman's history of abusing her own kids, and she was a former alcoholic, who is constantly under psychiatric care.

In fact, I think I will give him some extra attention. If he wants to talk about it, we will. I will tell him he needs to talk to his parents about it. I know both of them, it would crush them and they would definitely talk to her if they thought he was upset. I am going to reinforce what a wonderful person he is and how much he is loved by me, his parents, and the rest of the family.

If I am put in this position again and his parents do not hear it, I am going to say something like, "Is that really necessary?" At that point, I will talk to him and comfort him if he has done nothing wrong. She already hates me so what I have I got to lose? I will make every effort not to talk to her about it, but I will ask my daughter to again.

Thanks for helping me think about this differently. He needs the attention, not her.

I think he's lucky to have you! - Trampled underfoot

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds like you're a caring and sensitive grandmom. Keep it up!

I had a grandma like that. Always criticizing what I did. - I grew distant from her, and -

[ In Reply To ..]
when she finally died, I didn't really care. I was actually more concerned that I had accidentally run over & killed a cat while driving to the funeral, than about whether she had died or not.

I would let the PARENTS deal with it. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
You said the "criticizing grandma" only sees him a few times a year, so since you have made the mom aware, I would leave it at that. Different people have different ideas on how to raise children. My MIL would tell my kids to "shut up" and I didn't like that at all, BUT it's the same way she raised my husband as well. I chose not to leave the kids with her, but I didn't try to change her ways or have my mom step in and change her ways.

sm, yes people have different ideas on raising children - but.....sm

[ In Reply To ..]
You stated the following: "My MIL would tell my kids to "shut up" and I didn't like that at all, BUT it's the same way she raised my husband as well. I chose not to leave the kids with her, but I didn't try to change her ways or have my mom step in and change her ways."

In my opinion, you did your children a great disservice and unjust treatment as much as your MIL. You did not intervene. YOU are their mother for crying out loud! "Leave it at that????" I hardly think so.

I just don't agree - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
First of all, it was my HUSBAND'S mother and my husband is a wonderful father and actually does have at least 50% say in the how his children are treated. My husband was raised by this woman in the same way....she was much more abrasive and not coddling in the way that we raised our children. It was just the way she was. My husband grew up and still loved his mother and they had a great relationship.

The "nice grandma" made her daughter aware of the situation, so if ANYTHING should be done, it should be by the MOTHER or FATHER of the child. I have a feeling that the "nice grandma" is just an overly sweet lady who loves to spoil her grandchildren and may see it as a little more than it is. It is DEFINITELY not her place to step in though, that is a parental decision and she is not the parent.

Being mean to children - Is abusive

[ In Reply To ..]
This isn't a discipline, child-rearing situation. This is a mean grandmother.

I certainly believe that parents need to be firm, but they can do that sweetly. What this grandmother is doing is (1) overstepping her grandmother role, and (2) being mean.

If any of you out there who are defending this, I guess you must be mean to your kids, grandkids?

I had a mean grandmother, and while my mother was not mean, she never once said, "leave my daughter alone." That made me feel that my mother was not going to protect me from mean people. Children's brains are not formed and they only know (in their mind) that they are a bad person when someone is mean to them.

I'm happy to hear this woman isn't around too much, but once is too much. You don't belittle children, grab children, etc. It's just mean, rotten and nasty.

And parents like you who see this as okay? - Don't think so

[ In Reply To ..]
So what if your husband had a good relationship with his mother, big deal. You both allowed the woman to tell your children to "shut up" and did not choose to change it. Shame on you. You have very little credibility in advising others who see the abuse of a child as a grandmother's business. And BTW, she was concerned about what the parents did not hear and see. And even so, if those parents did see it as no big deal, as you seem to, I understand the grandmother's position as wanting to be an advocate for the child.

Grandmother's were raised in different times - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
My parents used to whip me with a belt when I misbehaved and every one of my friend's parents had permission to whip me when I misbehaved as well. All family members had permission to spank me and the school actually paddled us when we were bad. We had school teachers that would tell us to shut up or snatch us up out of the desk and squeeze the living daylights out of our arm, but do you know what? WE BEHAVED and that's just how it was, plain and simple.

I don't spank my children, I do timeout for them and they misbehave A LOT more than I did, I can tell you that. Things were just different then and sometimes a grandparent may use a little more force than the child's used to, but I guarantee you it makes him think more about whatever he did the next time.

Exactly. You brought it to the parents' attention-nm - Let them deal

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

I would take her aside - and tell her I was

[ In Reply To ..]
going to open a can of whoopazz on her if she grabbed my grandson one more time. But that's just me...

My response, as well. - The arm-grabbing is abuse

[ In Reply To ..]
Dad probably thinks this is normal, and neither parent wants to alienate grandma. You never know how much money she is good for.

You, on the other hand, have a moral obligation to protect your grandson from the emotional, verbal, and physical abuse you described. Yes, grabbing IS physical abuse.

That is what you need to point out to the parents. Get some online documentation so they understand.

I would have a chat with grandma and point out that she treats him differently and explain what verbal and physical abuse are. We don't speak harshly to anyone, nor do we EVER touch them in anything less than a caring way, OR WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT, no matter how old they are.

In her mind, she sees this as acceptable because it is what she is used to. It is also "ok" because her irritability prompts it. And don't forget the whoopazz consequence.

Check for bruises.

Well said! - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I couldn't have said it better myself, though I did try in this thread.

I think the people defending this, must treat children in the same manner, or they wouldn't be so "okay" about it.

I think the husband is just afraid of his mother, and that's why he keeps quiet. As to the daughter, don't know what's up with her. If this was my kid, grandma would be out of there but fast.

I don't agree with the poster that said it must be a money thing--it's a wimp thing.

If nothing else - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
When the g-mother is rotten and nasty, stick up for the kid right in front of the kid. Say, "Hey, he's just a little kid." At least the kid will feel like he has a friend in the room.

This woman is abusive and the parents of the child have scrambled eggs for brains to allow this. I would not let her anywhere near my child, that is for sure. That g-mother is cutting to the core of the kid's being, and his parents are allowing it---and he knows his parents are allowing it.

One should not wait until it "gets out of hand," whatever that means. When she beats the crap out of him, what?

This is very much your business. Anytime a child is being belittled, it is our business as grown-ups to be an advocate for the child.

yes, advocates for children - Hera

[ In Reply To ..]
I think that would counter the unhappiness generated when children realize nobody advocates for them.

The Kahlil Gibran poem "On Children" starts:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

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