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Advice for grandma of divorcing couple

Posted: Aug 4, 2016

Hi, Please give me some advice on how to act towards my DIL, who wants to divorce my son. They have a 2 year old daughter, my only grandchild. We are all stunned by this. She packed up and moved to her grandmother's house on Monday. My son was devastated. She said that she was sick of living with him because he was always working, always gone, always tired. He did not make her happy anymore. My son just called me tonight. She showed up to get more stuff and apparently it was an ugly fight. Not physical, just verbal. With the threat, "Good luck on ever seeing ---- again!"

They've been married for 3 years. I actually liked her very much until this. I knew they were fighting a lot about money and I often babysat for them, but I thought she was more levelheaded than this. It will be hard not to see my grandbaby again if she means that threat.

My son is hurt, and when I advised him to just let things cool off, he said he was done with her! He wants the baby, full custody. So this will get ugly if it goes on.

i am not sure what to do. My DIL has the baby with her now. I was supposed to have the baby on Friday afternoon. Not sure I should text my DIL or what.

Any advice? I try hard not to be an interfering mother, but my son really needed motherly comfort tonight. He is 26, DIL 24. My DIL has no job, finishing a make up training course, and only a high school education. Her parents are not in her life. She is close to her grandmother, who is already raising a 10 year granddaughter and works full time, as well as taking care of a bedridden grandfather. This must be causing great stress on her grandmother! There were no issues of alcohol, drugs, beating, or infidelity. My DIL just walks away because she is not happy! That just makes me just shake my head in confusion. My husband and I have been married 39 years and many times I was not happy and neither was he but we worked through those times. Just don't understand this at all. I just really, really love my only grandbaby, and it would hurt not to see her. Thanks.

;

So sorry to hear about this, and I wish I had advice - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Are you sure there is no infidelity? Out of the blue like this and her using the excuse that he's "always gone" really sounds like she may be having an affair.

To end it suddenly without wanting to work on the relationship, giving him vague reasons, and making it all his fault is suspicious and I've seen it happen twice in both sides of our family and both times she wanted out because she had met someone.

Either way, sorry you and your loved ones are going through this.

OMG! Using that yardstick, wouldn't it be just as... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
likely he was having an affair since he is "gone all the time"? No one knows what happens in their relationship and speculating and rousing suspicion does no one any good.

A woman with no job, a small child, and no career prospect does not just - Ugly Truth

[ In Reply To ..]
up and leave for no reason. She's probably screwing around! She definitely has some other guy on the hook. Considering her age, I would guess she's not all that mature or smart.

My thoughts. - oldtimer

[ In Reply To ..]
Comfort your son. You are right saying they need time to cool off.

Text your DIL and tell her how sad you are about the separation, that you hope it won't affect your plans to see your grandbaby on Friday. That's it!

I recall my in-laws handling my situation long ago in a similar manner and they earned my everlasting respect.

Good luck!

Thank you - Grandma

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for this advice. I took it and texted my DIL. I am going to try very hard to not get involved in the situation about the marriage other than helping my son and making sure we don't bad mouth my DIL. The baby is my primary concern. If they had no kids, I would just say, Goodbye. Have a good life.

No advice, just sympathy - years ago

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm so sorry. Nearly the same exact thing happened to my brother - his wife just out of the blue said she wasn't happy and she left. He was heartbroken. They had two kids and they shared custody and he had to pay her alimony until she remarried.

I hope they can work it out.

Separation update - Grandmas

[ In Reply To ..]
Hello, an update: Just gets uglier. My son had changed the keycode on their lock (no key to the house). He was afraid that some of her family would clean out his stuff. My DIL shows up to get her stuff, and calls the cops because she can't get in. Son had to leave work and let her in. Another fight that the cops had to tell her just get your stuff and leave.

Then, she goes to the bank and tries to withdraw money. No money. Another phone call to yell at him. He has no money. He paid the house payment and won't get paid until next week. Money is just a huge issue here. We loaned him some money to get food for the baby and gas this weekend for his car.

I do appreciate all the replies. And to the poster that suggested texting and asking about tomorrow: I took your suggestion. I just said I love my grandbaby and want to be part of her life. Just let me know if you need a babysitter.

The reply was long. She loved me and Grandpa. We have always been good to her and she won't keep us out of the baby's life. But our son (her husband) is mean and bad tempered and she is sick of living like that.

Yea, I wondered about infidelity too, but I doubt it. I asked my son point blank, and he said, "How the hell do I have the time?" He works 6 a.m. to 3 p.m. and then has a second job either fixing cars or working on a farm. Money again is the real issue here. She wanted the new house and new car. Quit her job to stay home with the baby. Got bored and decided on a nine month make-up and skin care training class that cost $10,000. It is 5-days a week, 40 hour training so she cannot work just yet. But even then, there are no jobs around here to do Kardashian make up. My DIL really wants to be a makeup artist. Not a realistic job prospect I think.

I also told my DIL that I only wanted to keep our relationship about her and the baby, and that I did not want to get involved in their marriage. I suspected she had been seeing someone too, but my son swears up and down no.

My DIL's father is a confirmed schizophrenic and on meds but not a stable person at all. Her mother is a drug user. The grandmother is the only stable person in my DIL's life, but I think maybe there is an element of psychiatric issues for my DIL to just wig out like this. My son has determined now today to go for full custody as he says he's done and his wife is "freaking crazy." So, I am one sad grandma, really. I had such hopes when they married that they would be happy.

Thank you everyone. Sometimes I just need to "talk" to someone.

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