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Need advice

Posted: Jan 15, 2010

I've been living with a guy for 12 years. There are some aspects of his personality/behavior that are positive. However, he has a habit of mocking me at just about every opportunity, belittling, that kind of stuff. When I get upset he says he "was being funny." He likes to contradict me in public when possible and point out negatives - not so much about me specifically but demeaning comments about things like my dog or my hobbies, etc. I ask him to please not do these things in public but it continues. His other habit is to walk off or start making noise when I'm talking about something. Doesn't really matter what I am talking about. Or he'll just cut me off in the middle of a sentence. I have asked him nicely to stop, I have burst into tears, I have become angry and at times have become very angry over this. Today he did it again when I was trying to discuss a few tax strategies and what deductions could be claimed this year. He walked into another room in the middle of a short statement I was making. When I got upset about this he said "I never know when you are done talking." This was a new comment for me. I am not a huge talker in general and am in my mid 50s and this is the first he or anyone has ever said this. I think it's more of his mental garbage he dishes out at times.

What causes this behavior? What is at the root of his need to be so disrespectful? What can I possibly do that I haven't done already, i.e., discussing it calmly and genuinely, crying, yelling?

;

Confused and hurt - TiredMT

[ In Reply To ..]
If you've been living with him for 12 years, it can't be that big of a deal for you. If it is, make plans to get out and be glad you are not married to him. Good luck!

Buy the book The Love Dare and go through it together - Cathy

[ In Reply To ..]
You can get it at Wal-Mart. You can find out more about the book and read the first 10 days of the dare at klove dot com.

Seriously, do you actually think this guy is - going to sit down and go over

[ In Reply To ..]
a book with his significant other? He is a self absorbed d**K with low self esteem who makes himself feel better by belittling others. He needs professional counseling for this.

Confused and Hurt needs counseling herself, but not for the same thing. I mean no disrespect Confused and Hurt, you need counseling for your own self esteem, and why you let this d**k treat you like this in the first place for 12 years.

You have to change before he will change. As long as you allow this behavior it will continue. Crying, yelling, screaming will not work. When he makes these comments you need a witty comeback. Put him in his place. This will be hard at first because he is not used to it. When he tries to talk over you, you need to become louder, talk over him, make yourself heard. Treat him as though his opinion does not matter. Trust me, he will not know how to act. He will try to talk you down, belittle you, try to take back control, but until you make the change in yourself to let him know his behavior is unacceptable, he will not change.

It is called disrespect, nothing more - Knowing

[ In Reply To ..]
This man treats you like dirt and he probably will not change. You say you have tried most things. You can stay and let him walk on you like some rug or you can make a change. I know, there are guys out there that treat you like a million dollars and donâ��t waste your life for 1 who doesnâ��t - life is far too, too short.

What can you possibly do? - Leave his disrespectful, dismissive a&&

[ In Reply To ..]

Or kick it out.

We are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated.

By continuing to tolerate it, you are telling him it is okay for him to treat you poorly. You cannot change another person or their behavior, you can only change how you react to it. If you want it to stop, you can make it stop. Get yourself away from it.

Why on earth - Anne

[ In Reply To ..]
have you stayed with this jerk for 12 years? He has no respect for you, no affection, nothing. He is psychologically abusive. You don't deserve that kind of treatment, and you don't have to tolerate it. Leave. He won't change. He does what he does because he knows it hurts you. Nothing you do or say will change his behavior because his goal is to hurt you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who wants to hurt you? Get out now and regain some peace in your life.

The root problem is obvious: You are smarter than he is...sm - disrespect

[ In Reply To ..]
and he does not want to admit it, not to you and not to himself. He is jealous and feels inferior and this is his way to act out and "show" it to you.
Nothing good can come out of this. You deserve better. If he does not stop this, you will start to reject and hate him. Been there.

changing the subject - so the guys say

[ In Reply To ..]
I ran this past my hubby and he said you need to condense your sentences, your man has a short attention span....and may not respect you. His tip..withhold affection until he asks you what is wrong, instead of the other way around. Good luck!

That's true. They are concrete thinkers who respond better to - TXMT

[ In Reply To ..]
goal-oriented communication styles, that get-to-the-point, bottom-line thingy. Women think in the abstract and understand the value of texture, nuance, context and detail. Your husband's tip also illustrates the difference between the way men and women view intimacy. Women seek communication, sharing, respect, loyalty, etc as part of that package whereas men tend to separate those out from the more salient physical aspects of the concept.

Having said that, the guy's other ongoing behaviors such as belittling, mocking and embarrassing in public, especially despite best efforts to voice protests, are another thing all together. He sounds insecure, as though he is intimidated by and jealous of either intelligence or the attention others get when speaking to someone besides him.

I would try putting a female spin on the guy's tip to withhold affection. Take your power back. Do not allow his crude behavior to intimidate. Look right past it and have those conversations around him with others. Learn to let him show himself for what he is at that moment, a childish chump who is trying to take center stage, and keep right on talking. Find some kind of one-liner to use when he is acting out, on the order of "Excuse me, let's continue our conversation over here where I can hear you better," then simply distance yourself from him until he is done throwing his fit. Take his audience away.

too much philosophy and analysis here, too late for that...sm - disrespect

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree, silent treatment, ignoring and no sex will work best in your case.

How can you continue to have sex with him when he is constantly insutlting, belittling and ridiculing you?
Is a puzzle to me.

I would not cheat on him, this takes all your cards away from you, even not if he cheats on you. Then leave him, do not make the same mistakes that he is doing, then you stoop down to his level and you become equal, and you have nothing in your defense.

She just might appreciate some different perspectives - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
other than kick the bum out. Choices are nice things to have. It's not your place or mine to make them for her.

Yeah, play games with him .. thats the ticket! - sm

[ In Reply To ..]

You tell her to not stoop to his level, yet advise her to do exactly that by giving him the silent treatment and withholding sex. Tit for tat? I guess that would work if she is trying to piss him off in addition to him already holding her in disdain. How close is he to escalating to physical abuse from the verbal and emotional abuse she already accepts and tolerates? Let's send the dog right over the edge.

Get out, get away from him. That is the answer.

Can you have sex with somebody who is constantly insulting you?..sm - disrespect

[ In Reply To ..]
No game playing here! She should ignore him, withhold sex AND then leave him if he does not change his behavior.

According to you should she have sex and "elope" the next morning without any transition?

What are you talking? If he gets violent because she withholds sex since ...sm - disrespect

[ In Reply To ..]
she is turned off by his despicable behavior toward her, then she should leave him right NOW.

treat him like he is ignorant. - n/m

[ In Reply To ..]
..

Cheat on him and make sure he finds out - no more bob

[ In Reply To ..]
seriously

12 years is a long time. - sigh

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm in my early 50s, also, and have been "dating" a guy for 10-1/2 years. Needless to say, I love him. He also has very positive attributes, but there are also needless to say negatives. I will say this. I would never put up with this constant belittling. I also wouldn't toss the relationship out with the wash at this point until I tried to resolve an issue. I've been with him too long, have a lot invested, and firmly believe my future includes him.

If you love him, and I believe you do, sit him down, tell him you have decided that you can no longer live with this aspect of his personality towards you, and give him 30, 60 days (your decision) to resolve this habit. If he blows you off, tell him to go to hell. If he loves you, he will try. I firmly believe that.

But, hold true to your time limit. Personally, I'd chalk up each day how many times this happens and see if it decreases, and it should. IF he tries, I'd give him the chance. If not, I'd have to cut him loose.

Again, this is my personal opinion. You don't hang onto somebody for 12 years for no reason. Don't let him go without a chance to change, but don't give him more years to continue this, either.

Good luck.

Well, if you want to continue the relationship, and I would not, - Fingers

[ In Reply To ..]
How about doing the exact same things to him for a while and see how he likes it.

are you kidding? - K8

[ In Reply To ..]
Geez...12 years of this disrespect? When did that become acceptable to your dignity? Hate to say it, but face it - he's just not that into you. Curb time for this loser. Good luck!

Hurt and confused - Patti

[ In Reply To ..]

We teach people how to treat us. If you allow him to continue to treat you like this, he has no reason to stop.

When you are both in a good mood, sit him down and tell him you don't like this treatment, and won't tolerate it anymore. If he continues, you have to decide if you're willing to live with it or not.

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