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advice sought... 66-yo mother needing care. sm

Posted: Mar 30, 2012

I will keep this as short as I can. My parents weren't very good parents. I was kind of the grown-up already in my family when I was 13. My brother has wanted nothing to do with them for most of his life and moved away. He and I are kind of on a more of a friends term than brother and sister.

I'm now 43 years old, my father passed away 3 years ago from alcohol related complications. Mom is 66 yo. Mom has been on a downhill course since, eating candy for her meals, terrible terribly bad and smelly hygiene, letting utilites get turned off. Not showing up for her part time job, and if she does they send her home sometimes. Not keeping doctors appointments. Not meeting me for said doctors appointments. I have 2 jobs in MT and I'm also a fitness trainer, and am back in school trying to get in the physical therapy program. So not much spare time, but what time I have is spent cleaning for mom, cooking for her, getting her things taken care of as much as I can. She is living on social security and her pt job, which I think she is going to lose soon. I haven't really looked at her finances too closely yet, (scared) I didn't think I needed to really yet, but some things have happened recently and I'm just starting to now.

I'm divorced from an abusive husband, unable to have children. but except for the mom issues I love my life... love my jobs, even MT still, love school and the prospect of my future. But I don't care for my mother very much. I don't want to say I hate her, but it is a very forced and strained relationship. I go through the motions when I'm there, but I kind of "turn off" inside and just do what I have to so she can make it to the next day. I am resentful for the time I have to spend with her actually, I just turn into a robot for that time, but the second I drive away I feel myself again.

Some things have happened recently and I think I need to find living arrangements for her. I think living with this woman will do me in. It might even make me turn into her, just not caring. And financially, especially since going back to school, I am barely making it. But I AM making it with a bright future.

What to do with mom? This is keeping me up nights. It seems like a good daughter would find a way to have her mother live with her. What other options do I have? She is very low income, practically none. I am in California.

One last thing... she has 2 brothers and 1 sister from who I have never met in my 43 years and want nothing to do with her. I don't even know what that is about. But basically I'm all she has.

Any kind advice, comments, or even hearing your similar stories would help.

;

It seems like a good daughter would have her - mother live with her SM

[ In Reply To ..]
Debbie: I just want to comment on this one statement. Your perception is wrong on that. I suspect that kind of thinking comes from your abusive upbringing. You are not thinking "right" about that. First and foremost, you must take care of your own emotional and mental health, and I suspect any therapist worth their salt would tell you the same, Debbie. Since I am not a therapist, just another person who wrestles with difficult relationships with family members, I don't feel qualified to say much more. I am so sorry you are in this predicament.

Hmmm - Kind of in the same boat

[ In Reply To ..]
I have been in the same boat for a number of years. Here's my take on it.

If your mom's family do not associate with her, that's an indication that she may have a mental disorder. You're not comfortable with her, either, so that's another clue.

She also sounds as though she may have clinical depression. The business about poor hygiene and not paying bills could be that, but they are often seen in dementia. The first some families know about a member's dementia or Alzheimer's is when they stop paying bills and can no longer manage their day to day affairs, including hygiene.

I'll tell you what a priest advised me years ago. It was that you are under no obligation to sacrifice yourself or put yourself in harm's way. You do what you can, yes, but you should not feel guilty that you don't want her living with you.

I felt very guilty about not wanting her living with me. My mother killed two of my birds, broke all my glasses and dinnerware because she didn't like them, ruined every pot and pan I owned by scraping gouges in the inside, and deliberately and spitefully ruined all of my clothes in the dryer leaving me with nothing to wear to work. She refuses to flush the toilet, fearing being sucked in, and collects poop in jars. She obsessively prowls from window to door to window at night checking, checking, checking to be sure they are locked. If you try to leave one open, even on the 10th floor, she perseverates "Don't you think you should lock the window? Someone might climb in!" (The only person who could would be Spiderman, and I'd be glad.)

At one point during a hurricane evacuation, she tried to stab me with needle-sharp scissors while I was sleeping. Fortunately, between a career in the Army and living in terror of her as a child, I woke up just in time.

And that was BEFORE the dementia set in.

So, I pay the bills. I live across the street. I am available and I phone her at least once a day. She refuses to let me in her apartment or to accept money, food, or clothing from me. Some of her neighbors think I am a horrible daughter and I don't care. I do what I am able to do, and that does not include letting her live in and trash my home, turning it into a cesspool, and preventing all possibility of sleep for fear of being killed.

More than you might have wanted to hear. My suggestion would be to have your mom evaluated for dementia. From what I have read, the hygiene issues and the failure to pay bills is a significant sign. Getting lost is another, and so is the inability to tell time.

I would think that your mom would end up with a diagnosis of some sort that would enable you to get power of attorney.

You might also want to check with a lawyer who specializes in elder law.

I wish you peace and will keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you. It really helps to share, even on a forum. nm - Debbie

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

I'm always hearing on the scanner police being asked to do a "welfare check." - Hayseed

[ In Reply To ..]
Would phoning in a call for something like this be an option? I'm sure they see stuff like this all the time and know where to get help for both of you.

Man, I cannot imagine what you guys are going through, as my parents were both abusive drunk dinks and died before dementia set in, and I was actually thankful for that.

Same boat here too. - CrispyCritterMT

[ In Reply To ..]
My parents are in their 80s. My mother is a paraplegic and my father is her caregiver. He refuses to get any kind of help except he wants me to move in with them. To do this he says I must give away all my animals. My mother is and always has been very mentally abusive to me and others. My father is very controlling. This has severely damaged my self esteem. It would be hell living with them. I can't do it, but yet I feel guilty because they have done a lot for me financially, albeit always with an ulterior motive. They bought me a farm and a truck. However, now the mobile home I live in is practically uninhabitable. No financial help from them unless I want to get rid of all my animals (3 ponies and 3 dogs) and move in with them. He brings it up everytime I talk to him. I can't do it. I'm really struggling financially having lost one job and taking one at half my last pay. My animals are the only things I have to live for. Take those away and I might as well not live. I struggle with guilt everyday and don't know what's going to happen to me. I have 2 brothers who live near. She has driven one of them and his wife away with her abuse. The other one has young children and does what he can. My sister lives in California. I'm single with no kids and 58 so I'm the logical one to move in and help. I know about the guilt thing.

About the priest... - Bindi

[ In Reply To ..]
Very wise words. A few years back during his sermon my priest discussed people who had undergone abuse and suffering at the hands of parents, siblings, etc., and he said much the same as your priest, that God didn't intend for you to put yourself in harm's way and you should not feel guilt about it. I had never heard a priest say anything like that before but was glad he was so open and honest because people needed to hear that.

As it happens, I went home and that evening my ex-husband out of the blue called me for advice. He comes from a background of mental abuse and cruelty by his mother, a vicious, hateful woman whose venom extended into his adulthood, several times, even though he stopped having anything to do with her in his late teens.

To give you an idea about her, when my then-husband was applying to work as a firefighter and undergoing rigorous background checks, the investigators interviewed his mother and she told them that he was not psychologically fit to serve the public in this capacity, throwing in a few distasteful untruths. They declined his application. To make a long story short, he challenged it, finding out along the way exactly what had been said. He had to jump through hoops, but eventually was hired by the Department.

She drove everyone away from her, including her only daughter (whose mind she had poisoned against her brother) and, lo and behold, when she was sick and in need, one of her neighbors (a stranger) somehow got my ex's phone # and proceeded to lay a guilt trip on him.

Well, he was really torn about what to do and I was able to pretty much tell him word for word what the priest had said that morning, plus I had a few choice words too because I had been a witness to the effect this woman had had on his life, his spirit, his self-esteem. He needed to hear the words of this priest and based on that he made his decision. What a coincidence about the timing of the sermon.

not a coincidence...that is how God works - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
He always gives us what we need exactlly when we need it....either for ourselves or for someone else who needs it. To the OP, you have been given some very good advice. I will pray for you. You are not a bad person and do not deserve to suffer anymore.

Thoughts and prayers going out to you... - rondi

[ In Reply To ..]
You have obviously been ''through the mill'' and yet you still visit and check on your mother daily. That demonstrates that you are certainly a good daughter with a good heart and will come to a fair, humane decision (but one that will not devastate your own life.) God bless you and hope you will keep your spirits up. It sounds like your childhood was far from happy ---There is no reason why that unhappiness should be revisited on you as an adult.

I wonder if she would qualify for Medicaid - mthead

[ In Reply To ..]
or disability or something? If she could get a dementia diagnosis, maybe you could put her in a nursing home that takes Medicaid patients?

I kind of know how you feel. My siblings and were the victims of "benign neglect," often going without suitable clothing and doctor and dental visits while Mom made sure she had the best clothes, shoes, purses, makeup and jewelry. She still does. I always swore I would not take care of her when she got older because she didn't take care of me when I was younger. Fast forward to today, she is ill, has blown through her retirement like a sailor on leave, has a pension and SS but tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt and no assets, so we children pay for her groceries, cable, gas, incidentals. I'm still shopping at Kohl's and JC Penney and she is still shopping at Talbot's, Nordstrom's, Lord and Taylor, etc. (My sisters take her clothes shopping, thank God).

Unlike your mom, though, my mom still has her faculties and has apologized for how she raised us and expressed regrets about spending all of her money on herself, so I can find it in my heart to take care of her now. It sounds like you won't get that kind of peace, and I'm so sorry for you. I would definitely contact social services in your area to see what is available to you and you mom.

it's so hard - wheres_my_job

[ In Reply To ..]
what's the right thing to do? And beyond that, even if you come up with a good plan, how can you get them to go along with it? I'm in a "situation" too. Millions of people are (not that that knowledge helps any, so much).

I need to just be thinking about me now - but I've got to think about them too. It's too much sometimes. Way, way too much.

I hear you.

I was talking to my doctor last month - mthead

[ In Reply To ..]
about these kinds of situations. I was so stressed out about leaving my hubby and kids every weekend to go out of town to "do my duty" for my mother. I never expected to be caught between the demands of raising children and the demands of caring for an elderly parent. I was woefully unprepared. My doc says there's a term for it, the "Sandwich Generation." I'd never heard of it, but it is so fitting.

My mom had been in and out of the hospital and skilled nursing facilities for months, and that led to tons of stress about quality of care, lack of communication with physicians and nurses, and pain management for Mom. Then, the skilled nursing facility discharged her to home and we had NO care lined up for her - no home health care, nothing. So for two weeks we sort of rotated taking care of Mom at her apartment while we tried to see if we could come up w/money to pay a live-in nurse (no dice). She apparently makes too much money for Medicaid, so it was up to us. Her secondary insurance from when she used to work, supposedly a supplement, will not cover anything that Medicare doesn't cover. The whole thing has been such a nightmare, but it is getting better.

I agree that you must 1st look after yourself. (sm) - Mom-Issues!

[ In Reply To ..]
My sisters & I are having similar issues with Mom, but 90% of the care has been falling on my youngest sister, who lives the closest to Mom, and also makes the most money. The story of going downhill sounds similar, except that we all do like & get along with our Mom, and also she's 85! 66 is so young in comparison! Anyway, my sister has learned that if she doesn't take care of her own needs and health first, she can't be of much help to Mom.

It sounds like your mom might be depressed, but some kind of an early dementia might be in the mix, as well. That's so sad!

Anyway, my dad died back in 1985. Since then, Mom lived alone in this humongous house, except for a period of a few years when my brother moved back in with her after his divorce. For years she was just fine - enjoyed her solitude, enjoyed our visits, and also had help with the housework because the Social Security she got from my dad paid enough for her to be able to afford house-cleaners to come in every other week.

My brother lives the closest to her about 4 or 5 miles), but he's not very helpful in her care, unless my sister really gets on his case. Long story, so I won't elaborate. That sister lives about 20 miles away. The rest of us live between 500-1000 miles away.

Her health started going downhill about the time she turned 80. She hates going to doctors, and fortunately for her, her health was such that she rarely had to do so for most of her life. The general practitioner she was going to is a quack - just refilled her blood pressure meds, and sent her on her way. She was having some issues she not only kept hidden from us, but from him, as well.

Meanwhile, my sister was working harder and harder, trying to balance her career, her own home and its care, and Mom's home and care. Eventually Mom stopped cooking, and wouldn't eat unless my sister drove all the way there to cook for her, or to bring her pre-cooked meals. We kept telling her it was time to pay some kind of a daily helper to come help with this, but Mom "didn't want a stranger in the house", and my sister was sure she could take care of it all herself.

Meanwhile, THANKFULLY, my sister, who is very smart with money, started getting my Mom's financial affairs in order. And thank God she did that while Mom is still alive! There were all sorts of things that had to be signed for her attorney, and for a Notary Public, in terms of power of attorney, executor of Mom's estate, advance directives, etc. DON'T WAIT on starting to deal with those things... it'll be far easier to do while your mom is still alive, than once she is gone, or mentally incapacitated. My sister found all kids of bills that Mom had let slip. My cousin had the same problem, multiplied by 10, because she started dealing with them very late in the game. So start going over her finances NOW. THAT WOULD BE MY #1 ADVICE!

Eventually, once my sister starting having health problems from the stress of being the main caregiver, and once we all realized that taking turns flying to Mom's and trying to give my sister a respite, without losing our own jobs, was NOT going to work, we had to come up with another solution. By then, my mom had hygiene issues, some incontinence, couldn't bathe herself, and could barely walk. Her feet looked terrible... all swollen and purple. She got out of breath just walking from the bedroom to the living room.

One morning she woke up & could barely breathe. Luckily she had one of those "Life Alert" pendants you wear around your neck, as seeon on TV. She pressed the button, and the paramedics were there within minutes. At the hospital, the truth finally came out: She had congestive heart failure, had fluid around her lungs which was causing the breathing problems, and her feet & legs were swollen not because of gout, which I had thought, but because of fluid retention. She also had skin ulcers on her feet and legs that she had kept hidden from us and her doctor!

Once released from the hospital she went back home, and all the sisters took turns trying to get to her place for a week or so to take care of her. She now had to be bathed, had a bedside commode because she couldn't make it to the bathroom in time, etc. Her bad feet made the risk of falling, even with a walker, very high. She also wasn't eating well - had gone from her original 140 pounds down to just 98...she looked like a concentration camp survivor.

One of my sisters works in healthcare, and helped to find a lovely assisted living home only 3 minutes from my youngest sister, who had been Mom's main caregiver. It costs about $4000 a month. The social security pays for most of it, and my sister, bless her heart, covers the rest. So far, Medicare has covered 100% of her hospital costs and doctor visits.

She had to go to a convalescent hospital briefly, after surgery to restore blood flow to one of her feet, and Medicare pays for the convalescent hospital, but not the assisted-living. Mom also has some savings, but so far those haven't needed to be tapped into, yet.

What surprised me more than anything else was, after all these years of Mom saying she never wanted to leave her home, and wanting to die in her house, after her scare with not being able to breathe, and realizing that she now depended upon others to take care of her hygiene needs, she actually started to realize that she would be safer and more comfortable in assisted living. She now has a lovely room with a new bed, nice furniture, a new flat-screen TV my brother got for her, and a big Lazy Boy chair where she does her knitting and watches old movies on cable. She can't smoke indoors - has to go outside, but has a lovely garden to smoke in. AND, smoking-buddies! She now has friends to eat meals with, too.

Having to be in the more hospital-like atmosphere of the convalescent home, Mom realized she had it so much better at assisted-living, so now is being a little less stubborn about her health care needs and going to doctors. My sister is currently in the process of setting her up with a new cardiologist near the assisted-living place, rather than clear across the city, where she was going before. That will in turn cut down on driving time to doctor's appointments, because the new one will also make house-calls to the assisted-living home! AND, there will also be transportation available to her from the home, as well.

Being the only caregiver, and not being financially well off, you do have your hands full! That's another reason to start going through your mom's finances NOW. If she has bills, they'll be smaller now, than if they sit unpaid for months or years on-end. An attorney might be able to help with some of it, as well. You might also discover money she doesn't know she has, or she might be entitled to. If she doesn't have Medicare, maybe she qualifies for Medicaid? That might help. There is also probably assistance for caregivers such as yourself, so that might be worth looking into.

On an additional note: My siblings and I all fully realize that our youngest sister is the one carrying the largest portion of this load. My mother's house, which she owns outright, is being left to the 5 of us. We plan to keep it in the family rather than sell it, so that we'll all have someplace to go when we get older. My sister is keeping a record of all the out-of-pocket expenses she's been paying for: Mom's medications, part of her board and care, and repairs on the house. The rest of us are deducting those expenses out of our percentage of ownership of the house. My brother was the only one who preferred to sell the house rather than keep it, so my sister is going to buy him out. So she already has the controlling interest in the house, which works for the rest of us, because she is the one who wants to sell or rent out her own little cottage, and move to Mom's house to live.

Obviously, no two situations are the same, but hopefully maybe my family's experiencess will give you some ideas.
You would be wise to talk to an attorney and your mom about becoming her Power of Attorney soon, especially since it sounds like she's not too sharp mentally, and it could likely get worse. That will allow you to make financial and health care decisions for her in the future.

Wishing you good luck and smooth-as-possible sailing in the future! :)

completely different - POV

[ In Reply To ..]
My mom is under hospice care. That is to say that hospice is the oversight while she is in my sister's care...for the last year. Hospice is usually reserved for those who are predicted to die in the next 6 months. And my mom gets recertified all the time.

I have so much empathy for you. I am so sorry you are in this predicament. I am not the primary caregiver to my mom because that decision was taken away from me.

All I have to offer your is this: Dying is a cruel thing. It sounds like your mom would like to swim into the ocean on an inner tube with a sharp knife.

Please find a way to take care of yourself and of her too. God be with you.

Thanks to everyone for your insights/stories. nm - Debbie

[ In Reply To ..]
I appreciate everyone comments and thought and prayers. I know there so many of us in this position. I won't let it age me or affect my own well being and health.

I'm making some changes and looking into as many services as I can think of to see where I can get assistance and relinquishing more care. Maybe all care. I am too young to give up my next 40 years taking care of my this woman who is actually not that much older than me!

I appreciate being able to share on this forum.

oops,that nm was an accident, I did put a little note in there. - Debbie

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Been there...would have done it differently - Kathleen

[ In Reply To ..]
My mother was a horrible mom. Lots of broken bones, neglect, etc., came from her.

However, as she started to go downhill because of self-induced health problems later on in her life, I figured I'd forgive/forget and help her out...I'd be a "bigger" person. HAH! Those years spent tending to that ungrateful, selfish, poor-excuse-for-a-person were years that were even more difficult than when growing up.

If I had it to do over again, I would stick with my original thought...to just walk away. It will be what it will be.

If you want some semblance of ever having a peaceful, productive life, walk away now. You can't save her, but you sure as can save yourself.

(For those who will flame ugly things, just thank your lucky soul that you didn't have to walk in these shoes and don't be too quick to condemn or judge.)

I'm so sorry Kathleen. I hope you are doing ok now. Peace.. - Debbie - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
Nm

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I'll just be excited if one of my boys will go to Mass with me! Or maybe mow the yard! Seriously, I'm just grateful all three of my kids are happy and healthy and well adjusted. I'll miss my daughter because she is away at college but I know I'll see her soon (with tons of laundry in tow!). Hope everyone has a blessed day. ...

May 31, 2010
Long story short, I have not spoken to my mother in law for about a year now. We have some issues that my husband and I have tried to sit down and get resolved with her, but she does not want to get anything resolved, she just wants to fight with me. A few days ago, about a week after my birthday, I got a card in the mail with a check in it. I do not want this and am going to send it back to her because why would I want money from someone who does not want to resolve anything with me, only wants ...

Jun 09, 2011
I am asking for prayer for my mother, Deanne. She has been suffering from spinal stenosis, ankle replacement problems, and now knee problems. She uses a wheelchair to get around for most things and the other day I'm not even exactly sure what happened but she stood up and her knee gave way. She has been unable to bear weight on it ever since. She is seeing a specialist this afternoon and I am just asking for prayers that this specialist will know how to treat her.&nb ...

Feb 24, 2010
I am submitting a prayer request for my sick mother-in-law. She has only had one kidney for many years now. Recently, she was taken to the hospital to have a large kidney stone removed. (It required surger.) Her kidney functionality went from 30%to 10% in one week. I believe she will have to start immediate dialysis. I am worried and sad. I am praying that her functionality will come back. The doctors were hoping for that. She is the grandmother of my daughters, and I do not want anything to go ...

Jun 09, 2010
So, my DIL and son have been married 5 years. My son is in the service and they had the good fortune to have been stationed in DIL's hometown for the whole time they have been together. Her whole family is there and have been a great source of support when my son has been deployed. I had opportunities to visit and thanked them for being supportive of him when he was gone. 6 months ago they were stationed one state away from me, 3 hours away. DIL was super ...