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Is there any reason you would cut off tyes to your biological children?


Posted: Jan 5, 2011

some time ago this subject was brought up to ask if anyone would cease contact with a child (adult or not).  Would you and if so, under what circumstance?  Incarcerated for a particular crime, for being the black sheep of the family...under what circumstance?

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I would if - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
1. If my child threatened to harm me in any way.

2. If they continued to do something so terrible to me that after continually asking them to not do it they continued I would.

My dad would say yes.. - sm

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My dad disowned me because his "new wife" did not like me. I have seen his face twice in 12 years and he didn't even say hello.

He looks old now, and lonely. Heard the "new wife" wants a divorce. I guess you have to lay in that bed you made, right?

I am at that point with own daughter - frustrated

[ In Reply To ..]
She is now 22, but the constant lying over the past 4 years has really strained this relationship. I do not trust anything she says, she owes me a lot of money, and she is just down right nasty to me. I care for her son 4 days a week and provide most of his care financially. Besides talk on his behalf, I have stopped talking to her at all. Didn't even buy her a christmas gift!

Well - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, I have 2 situations. The first one was my Dad. He really didn't do anything with us when we were young, left my mother for another woman and never had contact with him for many years, pretty much disowned us. Some 20 years later, after she died, he got back into mine and my sisters lives. Of course he was so sorry for what he did and blah, blah, blah. I do see him more now but he really has not changed. He still doesn't visit or call. I have to go there.

My son, who has been in trouble with drinking and drugs for several years. He was in a lot of trouble and his grandparents kept bailing him out. I wouldn't. I figured time in jail/prison would straighten him out. Well, he ended up leaving the state and wandering the country for quite a few years. Got into meth and really lost his marbles. He would call me once a year or so and had some bizarre things to say. I talked to him and was glad he was alive, but would not let him come to my home. In the last year, he has started seeing a woman, says he has stopped the meth, which I believe he may have, but still does drink. He has not been in trouble and he has informed me I am going to be a grandma. LOL He does call me a lot now and has not asked for help or money or anything, so I am hoping he is finally straightening his life out. I am just taking things one day at a time with him. I really would like to see him straighten out and have him back in my life, but we shall see. Unfortunately, he is on the other side of the country and don't know when I will get to see my 1st grandchild. This truly saddens me.

I could never completely cut the cord for any reason. SM - Fingers

[ In Reply To ..]
I am not in a position to state what I would do with "bad" children. Mine are wonderful.

I do understand how lying, stealing, and crimes could put a big strain on a relationship. I believe in tough love in those situations. I believe I would definitely keep my distance. I would not allow them to live with me and I would not give them money. Even if my child were incarcerated for horrible crimes, say even on death row, I would always tell them I loved them no matter what.

I have seen these situations and they are sad, and I completely understand parents who feel they must do this for whatever reason. I just could not completely disown my child, even if it was simply a mail or telephone relationship.

Understand - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I do agree. I did not disown him. He was roaming the country and I had no way of contacting him. When he did contact me once a year or so, I would try to get him to go to a rehab center for help, but he told me he didn't need help. I always did tell him I loved him, but I had a younger son that I was taking care of by myself and, though, my older son never asked for money or to come and stay with me, I would not have allowed it. There was really no way for me to contact him by mail or telephone, because I never knew where he was. It broke my heart to hear the things he was saying and how he was hurting himself, but what can you do with a child who is an adult other than try to convince them to get help. Now that he is stationed in one place, we talk quite a bit, but I cannot afford to fly to see him and don't know when I will be able to see my grandchild when he/she is born.

I, too, believe in tough love. That is why I tried to convince his grandparents to pay for his crimes, but they kept bailing him out and he kept getting in more trouble. They refused to listen until he finally left the state owing them a ton of money and still on drugs and drinking.

Sometimes, you have to draw a line on what you will accept, child or no child. I am grateful that I have contact with him now and hope he is on the right track to becoming a productive citizen and father and that our relationship will continue to blossom.

By the way, when I did talk to him on the phone back then, it was about FBI plots and alien plots and all the other things they manifest on methamphetamine. That was totally heartbreaking.

Be thankful you have good kids. My other son is a good boy too. I love both my children the same, but sometimes you have to let them go to a degree in order to save yourself and other family members from being harmed.

Hope your kids stay wonderful. It's a terrible situation to be in.
sm - your post proves my point. There is always hope. - Fingers
[ In Reply To ..]
"Judge not lest ye be judged." It is so hard to say what one should do in these circumstances until you have walked in their shoes. You have done all that you could, and did not do things that you should not, even if it was your son.

I do honestly understand how adult kids can damage the relationship with the parents and that it is heart-breaking. You have my sympathy about that but you, yourself, did not cut all ties with your son and contact was still made on his part. You never ever know - sometimes people change their lives around completely after they hit rock bottom, and it has to be in their own time in their own way.

Things sound like they are heading in a positive direction and he may become a son that you are very proud of (hope so), so I am glad that all ties were never completely severed. You may have missed out on what you prayed for all along. Wish you so much luck and happiness.
P.S. maybe this child will make a difference in how he lives his life. - and he will grow up. NM
[ In Reply To ..]
x
grow up - sm
[ In Reply To ..]
Those are my prayers. He really sounds like he is going to get his life turned around for his child. I truly pray every day that he does.
see, that is what I thought, too - AARPMom
[ In Reply To ..]
but it didn't happen. My grown daughter has a long history of getting mad at me when when she doesn't get her way and then refusing to speak to me. This goes back over 10 years. Now that I have adopted her child (after the child was literally dropped off on my doorstep), she has not spoken to me in over 2 years. I am a child stealer, ya know. I'm a grownup and can take it, but since she won't talk to me, she also won't talk to her offspring. In the last 3 years, the child saw my daughter twice, both times being over 2 years ago. She only lives 10 miles from me, so my little girl thinks she sees her everywhere...the state fair, the grocery store, in the car next to us in traffic. I honestly believe she is going to wait until the child is grown and then try to have a relationship with her so as to avoid me all together. And to be honest, I have a LOT of anger toward the older one for treating the young one like this...she did not do anything to deserve to be treated this way. I don't know how to get past that...only to give it time. So, I haven't cut off ties, the grown daughter has cut them.
This is spite and no good will come of it. sm - Fingers
[ In Reply To ..]
So said that your daughter can not see how much she is hurting her own child. This child will never ever never get over this. What makes it worse is she will know how easy it was for her mother to get to her since she lives so close by. I don't know how old your GD is but one day she is going to find her mother, phone book, Face Book, etc. and there will be many hard questions to answer about her complete and total lack of responsibility, and for what, spite?

AARPMom, bless you if you can bring happiness to your granddaughter, raise her, and protect her. Keep the lines of communication open. Never speak ill of this child's mother to her. It will not do any good and will only hurt her more. As for the numerous questions, a good honest answer is, "I do not know or I do not understand either."

Don't you wonder what this girl thinks on Mother's Day, Christmas, etc. Oh, how I would hate to be in that situation. It would be very hard to live with indeed. Good luck to you and this child.
this child is so vulnerable - AARPMom
[ In Reply To ..]
because she wants to know something, anything, about her bio m. This past weekend I found bio mom on Facebook with recent pictures. I showed them to the little one because she looks so different than the child's memories. I also sent bio m an email that she could meet us in a local park, which went unaswered. My goal was to show the little one that she is not seeing bio m everywhere because bio m does't look the same anymore. I don't talk bad about either of her parents. The worst thing I have ever said is that her dad just wasn't a stick around kind of a guy. She had not seen or heard from him in almost 4 years and we ran into him at a restaurant last year. She decided to say goodbye to him that day and let him go. That is why it is so hard for her. If she ran into bio dad at a restaurant, then it is possible to do the same with bio m. She actually now wants an opportunity to do the same with bio m, but I have not allowed it because I am not convinced that it is in the best interest of either of them. I thought this invitation would take care of the issue, but again, no contact.

While I don't talk ill of them, I kept a detailed diary for over 2 years of any and all contact and the facts of the contact. I have an entire box full of papers and records to show I have done everything I can to allow her healthy contact.

Bless her little heart, the day the judge granted the adoption, that was the first time she allowed herself to call me "mom." I love it every time she says it. She has been with me for every holiday of her life. This year, Mother's Day was very, very special. She allowed herself to revel in it. But it is very, very hard to live with. While I enjoy raising her as my daughter, I am very sad that we had to lose the relationship with the bio m. Very hard road to walk.

Thank you for your wishes.

I did - and I've come to regret it - Didn't know what I was doing

[ In Reply To ..]
Ten years ago I cut off ties with my son, who had been in and out of jail, married because his girlfriend was pregnant, divorced, then got her pregnant again and another girl at the same time - At that point, I'd had it and told him I was done until he could get his life together.

Ten years later, he is remarried, doing okay, I think, has four children between these two women, and will not respond to any of my emails or phone calls. I have four grandchildren out there, three of whom I've never met, and the oldest who was four when I saw him last. They live 30 miles away.

Regrets? Yes. All I can do is try to get the message through that I'm open to a rapproachment whenever he is ready, if that time ever comes.

Regret - what does trying to get the message through mean? - Keep trying.

[ In Reply To ..]
You and your son remember the fights, arguing, and the problems that brought you to this point; however, these children do not. You are wasting valuable time that you could have with your precious grandchildren and, believe me, having a close relationship with your grandchildren is a treasure that should not be missed in life if you can help it.

I don't know, but perhaps you could make a stronger effort? Be persistent?

If not, then I wish you luck and hope that one day your family will know love and peace. You, again, are a perfect example of why family ties should never be completely cut. Time takes care of many things. I hope it does for you.

Pretty much everthing - with a couple exceptions - Didn't k now what I was doing

[ In Reply To ..]
I've tried email, snail mail, phone calls. What I haven't tried is showing up on his door unannounced, though I haven't ruled it out. Also, I'm still close with his brother, but they are also distant if not estranged, and I don't feel it would be right putting his brother in a messenger position, so I try to keep him out of the conversation. Ready for some irony? His brother and his wife have been married and stable for 13 years and have been unable to have children. Doesn't really seem fair, does it?

Anyway, thank you for your good wishes and your compassion. If I had it to do over again, I would definitely have made different decisions!

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