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Opinion on what to do; stepbrother versus son

Posted: May 27, 2012

Alright, I have a stepbrother and a son who are both the same age...14 years old. My mom remarried last year and ta da...new stepbrother. My son often stays at my mom's and hangs out with stepbrother. Well this weekend my son said they were picking on each other and my son made a remark about he didn't have any "balls." My son was sitting at the snack bar in the kitchen and my mom was cooking. Then my stepbrother grabs my son with both hands around the throat and picks him up off the barstool and slams him on the floor. About that time, my mom screams at Dillian (stepbrother) and tells him to leave Alex (my son) alone. What really upsets me is my son is VERY small for his age. He is 14 and weighs 85 pounds and is about 5 feet tall. Dillian is about 6 feet tall and weighs 130 pounds. My son doesn't care to be around Dillian anymore. My mom is LIVID. She said my stepdad whipped Dillian with a belt for doing that and sent him home to his mom.

I was so angry about this. How would you deal with it?

;

To me, this is one of life's little lessons - that your son is getting

[ In Reply To ..]
to learn early. There were 2 wrongs here. One was your son telling him he had no balls, and the second was the reaction of your step-brother. This is an age where the kids are turning into their alpha-male side. Obviously, from you describing the two kids, one is hitting puberty a little quicker than the other. This is the way 14-year-old males act. Your's said he had no balls, and he let him know he did.

I think you mom and step-dad handled it appropriately, and he will know he can't use physical harm when someone makes him mad. I also would have probably let the other know he needs to watch what he says to others. If something like this happens at school, there may not be anyone there to stop it quick enough.

It sounds like the step-brother learned his...sm - VTMT

[ In Reply To ..]
violent tendencies from his father. I would say beating his son with a belt would have been the third mistake. Violence begets violence.

Definitely violence issues and anger management issues - Dad sounds scary

[ In Reply To ..]
The "no balls" comment is often used between boys of that age as "teasing." Appropriate or not, who's to say. Dillon's reaction, though, was way over the top for something like that. The dad's reaction was also a little over the top. Whipping a 14 year old? really? There's a whole lot more going on there.

I wouldn't force the two boys to be together any more, certainly, but it might be worth trying to get Dillon alone to try to find out if there are abuse issues going on with him.

My sons are grown and I must admit I did...sm - anon2

[ In Reply To ..]
spank them though rarely. It did hurt me as much as it did them (remember parents saying that?). The reason was I never used a weapon against them, only my hand, so a few swats were all I could take.

please read....sm - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Proverbs 23: 13-14.

"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. If you beat him with the rod you will save his soul from Sheol."

"Sheol" is often translated as "hell," but it hasa more general meaning of death or the grave.

I forgot to add this lil tidbit... - blondie

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When my mama yelled at Dillian to stop. She told him don't you EVER do something like that again. Do you hear me? He yelled "I don't give a flying "f**k." Mama said she just yelled at him to go to his room right then. That is one thing my son has never done and won't. He knows better. To me, to say such a ugly thing to your stepmother as a child you deserve a spanked butt. My husband has had to spank my son once with a belt. He is rarely spanked. I'd rather ground him, but their are times when a spankin is appropriate. If my son used the F word with me, he would have a sore butt for a while. I won't tolerate disrespect to me as an adult from a child.

Apparently he does have balls... - I hope he still has them...

[ In Reply To ..]
when his dad gets home. My 23-yo has gotten wacked by me for saying the F word to me. He knows I'll do it, so now he cools his jets. Dillon needs a good spanking.

Blondie agree with your philosophy of child rearing. - Suzy Q

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds like your boy is basically a good boy with respect for his elders. This says a lot. I have grandsons some who are teenagers and they do tend to mouth off and call each other names -- I think this is part of growing up and being boys. Still they never talk in a disrespectful manner to their parents or to me. They do like to wrestle and other rough-housing type activities, but really not violent at all.

I do believe that parents who use harsh discipline such as whipping with belts, kicking their kids or hitting them so hard as to cause bodily harm, will get paid back with aggressive and violent children. I have seen this pattern in some school friends, former boyfriends, neighbors, etc. Violence begets violence. Now you can safely do light spanking and grounding or time-outs now as they call it and this is very effective. I was spanked as a child and it did not hurt me. My grandchildren are never spanked or hit as their parents do not believe in any form of physical discipline. I probably would use a little spanking now and then, but since my grandchildren seem very polite and respectful, I will go along with this.

Blondie, if this was my son, I would want him to stay away from his step-brother. both he and his father sound like bad apples. The father definitely has anger issues too and obviously his son has been conditioned to be angry too. It is too bad that your mother married this man, but hopefully he will not take his anger out on her. I would walk on pins and needles around both step-brother and your step-father. sounds like they are walking time-bombs and could explode at any time.

Good luck. Let us know what happens and how you and your son cope with this.

When you said, "I was so angry about this?" - what did you mean?

[ In Reply To ..]
What were you so angry about? The fact that your stepbrother treated your son with physical violence? The fact that your stepbrother used such language at your mother? The fact that your stepfather "whipped" your stepbrother with a belt (more physical violence)? The fact that he sent your stepbrother home to his mom?

How is it that a 14-yo is so quick to use the F word directed at an adult woman with so little provoking? How is it that anyone can call "whipping" a 14-yo with a belt discipline? Obviously that kind of "discipline" is not working, as you can see this boy is becoming violent as well. Why is it that the father sending the boy home is considered punishment? Sending that boy home, instead of appropriate punishment from his father while in HIS home, is only going to cause more resentment and jealousy toward your mother and your son. BIG mistake. Does your stepfather "whip" your son? No? More resentment.

You probably should get over your "anger," whatever it is exactly that made you angry, and look at the big picture here. I would be concerned about your mom in this household. I would be concerned about your stepbrother and what has driven him to this point of behavior. I would also be concerned about your son being around either one of them. What if your son does something wrong while he is there and you are not? What is going to happen to him? Will your stepfather "whip" him?

I am sorry, while I do believe even 14 year olds need discipline, using a belt is not it. They are too big and too old. I spanked my children on the butt with my hand when they were little. They called it a "pop." By the time they are 5-6 years of age, you need to find more effective and less damaging discipline. At what age does this man plan to stop "whipping" this boy? When he is old enough and big enough to turn on him or anyone else in the house? This has the potential to be a very dangerous situation. You always think the very severe consequences of this "won't happen to me," and you hear other people say they would never imagine that nice boy "doing something like this," when in fact it was coming for a long time.

I was angry because my stepbrother got violent... - blondie

[ In Reply To ..]
Angry because he treated my son that way. I can't imagine someone grabbing me by the throat and slamming or throwing me on the floor. It just makes me angry that he would behave that way. They always pick on each other saying things boys will say. He picks on my son also but my son takes it as just that, picking around. Nothing serious.

My son has decided (and I fully agree) that he doesn't want to hang around Dillian anymore. I have told my mom my son doesn't care to come back over to hang out with Dillian, and she said she understood and couldn't blame him. She said when he doesn't have any friends anymore maybe he will realize that he can't act that way.

As far as how stepdad disciplines my stepbrother, I guess as long as he is not leaving marks (and he hasn't as of yet or Dillian would have said something I'm sure) it's his business. I'll just mind my own business.

What happened between these boys is somewhat normal behavior - For teenagers, but......

[ In Reply To ..]
What resulted speaks volumes. When my kids were teenagers punishment and/or discipline would definitely keep them in line. However, the thought of one of my children being physically afraid of me would break my heart in two. It is simply not necessary.

OP, do right by your son. As another poster said, tell him there are many situations like your stepbrother and his father, who I think taught his son this type of behavior. If he runs his mouth like that, there could be consequences he would never imagine, just as this boy over-reacted. He needs to be careful in that house. The stepbrother needs more than discipline, which he is not getting. He needs love and he needs help, and so does his father.

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