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Etiquette question

Posted: Jul 1, 2013

Just wondering what you ladies (or guys) thought about this. My two kids generally have company over A LOT. I have always had a policy that if I buy for one, I buy for all (meaning treats and such) while they are over at my house. Well, my son has a friend, the boy is 13 and about a year ago his mom walked out, left the dad to raise him and since that time the dad has really spoiled the boy probably because of the situation or whatever. When the boy's mom left, he started spending a lot of time at our house, which I don't mind, and he is usually at my house every day and spends at least 4-5 nights per week.

This is the thing. The boy's dad is better off financially than we are, as he has a family of two, lives in a small apartment, etc., compared to our family of 4, house payment, etc. The boy will call his dad up and have his dad come pick him up, take him and buy him a milk shake, fast food, whatever and then drop him back off at our house to eat it. This happens two or three times a day, because the dad jumps whenever the kid tells him to. He also eats his meals at my house, BTW, so it's not like if saves me money or anything, he eats quite often.

It is really starting to get on my nerves though, because it doesn't seem fair to the other kids and I'm not sure if I should say something to the kid, the dad or nothing at all. I don't know if the dad thinks he is helping me out with food by picking him up and getting him food, but I don't like him just eating treats and such in front of the other kids and they don't get any. If I go and buy my kids something and the boy is here, I ALWAYS buy him something as well. Yesterday, the kid had his dad pick him up and go buy him a burger and an icecream treat and he came back and ate it in front of my 2 kids and my niece and nephew who were also here. The other kids were commenting on how good it looked and really, I didn't have the money to go and buy 4 kids the same thing this one kid got, so it puts me in a situation where I feel bad for the other kids here.

I don't know if it's just MY mind set and if this is really okay or should I say something, like tell him to eat it elsewhere, or leave it alone?

;

Sounds like - Parents/kid need "etiquette"

[ In Reply To ..]
Sounds like both parents have horrible manners and have passed them on to the kid. I only hope one of them has the decency to thank you once in a while.

You know this is not okay, don't you? Nothing to do with "mindset" or their financial means. Your house, your money, your nerves. Take it from there.

I don't think it would be out of line for you to say - another Carol

[ In Reply To ..]
something to the kid. You could tell him what you have told us, about doing for everyone. You could also say that he could use that opportunity to spend some time with his dad, you know, eat it while in the presence of dad, so they have some bonding time. It would not be rude of you to explain your rules in your house to the child. Just tell him while it did not start out being a problem for the other kids, it has gotten to be a problem, so now you need to talk to him about it.

I agree, but more importantly - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you should explain it to the child's father. The father may not have any idea that you treat them all equally, and would probably be understanding and agreeable with your house rules. The child needs to understand also, but his father can take the necessary action as well as help explain the rules to his son. Also speaking to the father directly can help to avoid any misunderstanding that could come from a child's interpretation of what you tried to explain to him.

My Thoughts - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, it's hard to know what his financial situation is, just because he has a smaller house and fewer people to support.

That being said, it's very sad, the whole thing. This kid is a victim, so I wouldn't lay this on him at all. He's just going with the flow as best as he can. Sad his father dumps him at someone else's house. I would not put the stress of a discussion on the child.

It's possible the father doesn't realize how much you contribute. You could carefully approach him and say that you love having his son over, but it's getting costly feeding another mouth. You can have a lightheated discussion--you know, growing kids, they eat like horses--then chuckle.

It is nice you take this boy in. He's obviously neglected.

I think it's kind of - strange

[ In Reply To ..]
that the boy is left over at your house 4 or 5 days a week except in the most dire of emergency circumstances. Sounds like his dad is taking advantage of your kindness. I guess I am more blunt than some, but I would ask the dad why this was happening so frequently and let him know that if it continues you would expect compensation for baby sitting services, at least contributions toward food costs. I think with some people you just have to spell it out or they will never take hints.

I think you could handle it this way... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Don't bring it up to the child. Talk to the dad, and be like:

"Dude. Do me a favor. If you pick up Billy and take him for McDonald's, make sure he eats it with you. Please! :) (Big smile) My kids won't forgive me if I don't get them McDonald's too!"

Believe me. He'll understand. It's not so hard.

Agree - Poor kid, not his job-nm

[ In Reply To ..]
xxxx

You are just being used as free babysitting. - L&L

[ In Reply To ..]
When do your kids stay over there?

No place allows outside food and drink. But just think of this, in 10 yrs when he weighs 400# and your kids are fit, you can feel totally justified.

totally cruel much? - just saying - nm

[ In Reply To ..]

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