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how to deal with an obnoxious teenager
Posted: Nov 30, 2013
This boat's sinking fast. My teen is completely rude and disrespectful to me, my husband, and anyone else who dares to enforce rules. Consequences mean nothing to him. Cut off his cell phone, he'll just use his buddy's. Take away his bike, he'll walk. Ground him, he'll laugh in our faces and take off with his buddies anyway. The parenting books don't cover anything close to behavior like this. Our friends' children don't act like this. The only other kids I see acting like this are those from parents who aren't involved in their lives. We are involved in his life and have given him a very good life. He is flunking out of high school. He refuses to even apply for any kind of job. I almost think he might be using drugs....but I don't smell anything on him, and I haven't found any evidence in the house or on his clothes. But his behavior does sound like a kid who's on drugs. Any of you been in my position?
;
He has no respect - For some reason
[ In Reply To ..]He has no respect---hard to know why, but sometimes kids get away with stuff for a long time, then things get bad, and THEN the parents start enforcing the rules.
Is your husband his father? He may be a very unhappy camper if you got divorced and remarried.
Also, not all drugs have an odor. Only those smoked have an odor. One can snort, inject, ingest.
Kid may also be headed into a bad depression (or in one) and this is his way of not feeling the pain---often children and teens "act out" when they're depressed, and the clue is easily dismissed as just being bad, and is punished instead of dealt with.
Maybe a school counselor can advise you. He's headed for big trouble.
You don't say if he's always been like this or not. If he has, it may be more difficult to fix. But if it's something "new," it may be fine with the proper help.
Troubled teen - Rose
[ In Reply To ..]Don't give up.....I didn't....when it was our daughter....
She is now 30 years old, married with a family, a 2-year college degree and a job. I thank God every day that she came through her teen years and college years alive. I don't want to know what all she did and saw - it would make me sick, I'm sure.
We thought we raised our 3 daughters the same, but she broke every rule in the house. Fortunately, our other 2 understood what we were trying to do because we certainly had to focus a lion's share of our energy on her.
I found a website back then called "Elder Circle" - not sure if it still exists - but you can write them letters, venting and asking for advice - not sure the advice helped, but dumping my troubles on someone sure did.
Please don't listen to anyone here that tries to tell you what you are doing wrong. There are all kinds of expert parents whose kids are turning out great - yippee for them - we would love to be in their club, but it isn't that way for us.
A lot of prayers.....and I will add you to my prayer list.....
Thank you, Rose - OP
[ In Reply To ..]Rose, you truly do understand. I'm going to look up Elder Circle. We have been in family counseling, and our son has had his own therapist for more than 5 years. Early middle school is when he changed. It was night and day different. Isn't that when puberty hits nowadays? It's earlier than when you and I were that age. He does have depression, and I have wanted to place him on an antidepressant, but doctors tell us antidepressants can cause teens to become suicidal. I have to follow their advice because I sure don't want him committing suicide. He also has ADHD that no medicine has ever helped. He's impulsive and hyper and depressed. I guess, come to think of it, that combination would make anyone edgy. However, his disrespect and ugliness toward grownups and anyone in authority is having a negative result on his future. His teachers cant stand him. He smarts off to the police.
Oh, and to the earlier responder: All of our counselors and doctors have told his dad and me that it's not anything we did wrong to make him this way. They say we've done everything humanly possible to help him and give him a good life, and that we are never to blame ourselves. But it's hard not to. The doctors and therapists call it "misplaced blame." It's natural to want to blame yourself when you feel hopeless while you sit by and watch your child head down a dangerous path.
Don't blame - yourself. . .
[ In Reply To ..]In some cases of lazy parenting there is blame. Parents that just let their kid run wild and run over them because it's easier. . . they can blame themselves somewhat.
We have an only son and my husband and I have done the best we know how with him. Super involved parenting, not helicopter parenting, but spend lots of time with him.
ADD made school very difficult for him and along with auditory processing disorder the classroom was the absolute worst place for him to learn.
When puberty hit he really hated school even more than he already did. Throw in some bullying and it was a nightmare.
By his second year of high school it was so bad, being excluded, bullied, etc., we took him out and he started an online school at home. It was best for his safety but not the best because it was very isolating. He talked of dropping out but if he did that, he was on his own. Get a job, buy a car, get an apartment and he's on his own. If he was done educating himself then he's launched as an adult. That made him think.
He ended up very depressed. He had been on an antidepressant for years before to control anxiety but he started refusing to take it. The 8 months he was off it were miserable. Excessive sleeping, irritability, anger outbursts, tearful at times, stomach problems, etc. He also has trouble swallowing pills and refused because of that too.
Long story short, we had the antidepressant compounded into a liquid and he's been back on for 2 months now. No more anger outbursts, the irritability is gone, he's eating and sleeping normally now and we have a very pleasant kid to live with.
I say kid but he's 19 and a recent high school graduate starting community college in January!
It's true about anti-ds and suicide in young people but I think it's pretty rare. Start slow and titrate up is the best way to do it and monitor as best you can.
You could make him submit to a drug test if you suspect drugs. He'll hate you for it but it's for his own good.
I feel for you but you're not alone in having a difficult kid. Best wishes to your family.
This is what I think when parents are talking about - how wonderful kids are
[ In Reply To ..]I am so very glad mine are grown and out of the house. It is nice then they are babies and then teenagers. Too bad you did not have my father. When my son decided years ago he wanted to act out, I just called my father and he said pack his clothes and send him up here. My father's bedtime was around 6:30 and he got up, oh around 5 and expected anyone in his home to do the same. No sitting down and squandering away the day. Nope work was what he was all about. You said, yes sir and no sir to him. Talking back, you'd be crazy to do that. The TV went off when he went to bed. Want to watch a late night show, just wasn't happening. I would have not blinked an eye doing just that and my son knew it, what a turn around from him. Others might not have liked that idea but others don't pay my bills either.
I love all of your ideas! - OP
[ In Reply To ..]You guys are terrific! It helps to know that others have been through similar situations and lived to talk about it. 
I love the suggestion about a different venue/change of scenery. My son has sort of burned his bridges with all of our relatives, but it's definitely something to think about. I didn't mention that we adopted him when he was a baby, and we don't know much anything about the birth family as far as mental illness or even medical history. His doctors assume that there could be mental illness in the family, but there is no way to know. Even if there were, it doesn't automatically carry down to the next generation, does it?
His doctors have entertained the possibility of bipolar disorder, but they say he doesn't fit the mold because he can be really nice if he thinks he'll gain something from it. But we're not ruling it out.
The GOOD news is: Today we went to church together, and he opened up to me. He told me a lot about what he's feeling. It was a really good start. And I'm making an appointment to see his doctor as soon as possible. None of the ADHD medications he has tried have made an improvement. I'll see what his doctor has to say.
I'll come and post about what I learn. Thank you SO much, all of you who have responded to my plea for help.
Is a change of environment possible? - Crossing my fingers
[ In Reply To ..]It's hard to motivate a kid who doesn't seem to care about anything but the bare essentials of life, and sometimes not even that as my nephew preferred to sleep in a vacant lot when he wore out his welcome with his friends' families. My sister sent him to stay with his uncle on a farm in North Dakota to get him away from his peer group. When we went out to visit him, it was like it was a completely different kid. He had turned into this incredibly competent, hard-working kid who was respectful (if not overly friendly) to everyone and who seemed to get respect back from the people there. His uncle treated him and expected him to work like an adult, and there were a lot of physical things to do on this farm. My nephew was 18 and did attend school there, but when school was over he was expected to be on the farm working. Since that time I've heard of other people with similar experiences who sent their kids to stay with relatives. I don't know if the physical labor is part of it (too tired to mess around) but it does seem to work for boys. Don't know about girls. And it may have been a combination of getting him away from his friends, although there certainly are difficult teens everywhere. Maybe a combination of a new environment, the right meds, and doing something physical might help. Good luck.
Have him checked for bipolar - anon
[ In Reply To ..]What you're describing as hyper and irritable could easily be a manic episode. If he's truly bipolar an antidepressant could actually cause a manic episode. Find a very qualified psychiatrist to take a complete history and make sure they talk to you and your husband too as bipolar individuals tend to minimize their behavior and are not a good source of a complete history. Mania doesn't have to consist of psychosis and the DSM is considering making bipolar a broader spectrum illness ranging over 4 different subtypes. Bipolar really shouldn't carry the stigma that it does and hopefully won't any longer. A good book is the Unquiet Mind, an autobiography of sorts of a well known PhD in psych and her battle with bipolar. You might end up seeing a complete difference in him if this is what the problem is and he gets treated.
on that note - BTDT
[ In Reply To ..]medicine for ADHD can actually make bipolar symptoms worse/more intense. I am raising an ADD child whose parents were bipolar and I am constantly vigilant for bipolar symptoms. At age 10, the only side effect of the medicine I see so far is a decreased ability to cope emotionally during the hour or so each day when the med is wearing off, so we have had to add a very small booster dose in the afternoons to help smooth that over (it does help). There have not yet been any true mania symptoms with this child, TG.
teenager - Effie
[ In Reply To ..]My daughter and granddaughters have lived with me for the last seven years. My granddaughter who is 14 has become impossible to live with.. she cusses me and everything is DRAMA, DRAMA and more DRAMA. She has been asked to leave three different charter schools and I think if the public school could make her leave they would in a heartbeat.... and I finally told my daughter last night that I just can't do it. I watch the two girls on the weekends and I just can't do it any more. I asked my daughter to move out... never thought I would do that but since my granddaughter has moved on to the "I am going to kill myself if you ask me to unload the dishwasher" my daughter caves into her about everything and I feel my home is being run by a 14 year old.
She has been started in therapy but I think it has just made the drama worse... I am wore out..I raised my kids and hated the teenage years and I am just unwilling to do it again.
But, if it helps, my daughters did eventually grow up and they all ended up with a good education and jobs.. so teenager is not forever.. it just feels like it.
Light at the end of the - tunnel. . .
[ In Reply To ..]My birthday was a few days ago and got a perfect card from my son who is 19.
Front: Mom, you raised me really well.
Inside: But I put up a good fight, Didn't I?
So very appropriate and how nice he realizes just how difficult it was!
I love it! - OP
[ In Reply To ..]What a great card! And so true! :)
You're in my prayers, Effie - OP
[ In Reply To ..]God bless you, Effie! I'm an older mom; most of my son's grandmothers are my age. I find that I tire and get exasperated more easily than I did 20 years ago. He and I had a good day yesterday, which gives me hope. You're doing the right thing by putting your foot down and telling your daughter they need to find their own place. It's not fair of her to put you through this stress.
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