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What in the world am I going to say to my MIL!

Posted: Jan 20, 2010

Will try to make a long story short. I love my MIL. We get along great. She comes to visit every couple of months and stays for the weekend. She has had some serious drug/alcohol problems in the past (in remission for 3-4 years), but 2 years ago had an actual suicide plan. She has had several psych admissions, is heavily medicated at times, but seems fine lately, and is under psych care. Occasionally she has said about my 3-year-old, "When he is older and can come stay with me...." and I have just not responded.

Now he does go to my mom's 1-2 times a month for the weekend and always has. He loves it there and thinks he should go every weekend if he could. He talks about it more often now. My MIL does not know this and we do not mention it around her, but he is getting older and talking very well now so I know he is going to start mentioning staying with my parents, which is really going to upset my MIL. My husband says he does not think it is a problem for our child to stay with his mother because she is in remission and under treatment. I just don't feel comfortable with this due to her history and the fact that her house is not very clean. He says I should not lie to her about it and I will have to be the one to tell her if I do not want her to baby-sit. I just can't stand the thought of hurting her by being completely honest.

I am to have surgery next month and planned for my son to go to my mom's for a week. Again, did not mention this to my MIL. Yesterday she called and said she was planning to take off work to keep my son that week while I recuperate. I know the time has come and I have to face this. Whatever I say is going to have a permanent impact on our relationship and I hate the thought of hurting her feelings. What will make matters worse is when she finds out he is staying at my mom's. She may not visit anymore, which would hurt my husband and my son. I just don't feel comfortable with any extended supervision by her. I can't put this off any longer. Please be kind in your advice and remember she is family and this could send her into another "episode."

;

You have to be honest with her, have face to face - L

[ In Reply To ..]
with her about her issues. Let's bottom line this here as I usually do that in my life. You would much rather tell her no, cannot be done and the reason for that rather than perhaps the child stay with her and she does a homicide-suicide, right? You might have recently read about a grandmother that drowned her g'son in Florida because the parents were getting divorced and she did not want the child to be the product of that. I would have that talk and not feel bad about it. It is what it is.

could she come and stay at your house while - sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
you recuperate, this way you are still there to supervise some but she can have the bulk of the childcare duties. It would be an effective compromise. Granted you will have to tell her you are not comfortable with your son at her house due to cleanliness issues and her past illnesses, but this would help soften the blow some, while letting her know you care about her but her past actions do affect your decision regarding the safety and welfare of your child.

Instant cure: Say the "deceased" will come during the night and get his flowers back!..lol - .

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

I think you posted this in the wrong place. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

sorry, posted wrong place, belongs to the MIL who steals flowers, sorry!..nm - .

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

her gc could be a lift, not stresser - maagain

[ In Reply To ..]
Getting to keep my gc a couple of weekends a month is what kept me going the weekends I didn't have her. I was suicidal, but the bond created btwn that child and myself made me realize it was a coping skill, not a threat. If things got bad, well, I could just kill myself couldn't I. That was my thought process. The problem is, even though I looked into every possible way to do it (gasp, a plan), I didn't. But the practice of lookiing at and ruling out every plan made me eventually stop having that thinking. I ran away a lot as a kid. That turned into suicidal thinking as an adult. I always came home after I ran away. I finally realized I would never kill myself.

But, I don't know if I could say that today if my interaction with my granddaughter had been as full as it has been over the last 7 years. I really don't say she saved me because I did that myself, but she certainly changed my thinkiing and I am a better person today for it.

I would rethink your hesitancy to let your MIL spend time with her grandchild, unless she has shown any unpredictible behavior towards him. Suicide means harm to self, not harm to others. I'll bet my last dollar that if she were to go through with suicide, she would do it alone because usually someone would intervene and prevent the suicide...meaning she won't do anything around anyone else. Maybe instead of people pulling away, she needs to have someone show they believe in her. If she has an cough episode cough after having kept him, her issue was bigger than sharing some loving time with her grandchild.

Just my 2 cents.

maagain - Worried mom.

[ In Reply To ..]
I certainly do not mind my MIL spending time with my son. I know she loves him very much. She enjoys him when she is here on the weekends and she has never displayed an odd behavior toward him. However, I have seen her breakdown over the least little thing, like screaming, yelling, and cussing in a public store when they did not have the size knitting needle she wanted. The manager asked us to leave the store. I was absolutely shocked by that and some other things I have seen. For instance, I absolutely cringe at the thought of him getting in a car with her and it is not possible for her to come here for a week.

I know this is his grandmother and he loves her. This is why I am so torn about how to address this and not seem like an over-protective mother. I feel like if I do not listen to my instincts and something does happen, it will be my fault and I would not be able to forgive myself. I think you can see where I am coming from. I really do thank you for your insightful input.

When people commit suicide sometimes they take - others with them, you read it all the time

[ In Reply To ..]
Let her love him while she is in sight. Do you really think any psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker would say let the child go be with her knowing the background? Think about that.

she does have some issues - maagain

[ In Reply To ..]
I would encourage you to have a one-on-one talk with her about the issue. Since she is in therapy, she obviously knows there is a problem and is willing to work on it. It could be the kindest thing in the world for you to tell her you love her, the child loves her, but this behavior is getting in the way of her independent relationship with him. Tell her you worry about her ability to cope and that he might see her lose control, but tell her everyone loses control sometimes; it is just what we do when it happens. Do we learn and figure out how not to repeat that behavior? Do we say to the 3 yo that we are sorry if it happens? People are not perfect and it could be that if she can admit her awareness of this problem and its effect on her gchild, she could be willing to work on changing these things.

Don't tiptoe around it. It really can be a relief to the person suffering depression that someone else talks honestly and compassionately about what is happening. Good luck.

Simply tell her - Ann

[ In Reply To ..]
that you have already made arrangements for your son to be cared for while you are recuperating. If she persists, you thank her sincerely for her offer and repeat, firmly but kindly, that your arrangements are already in place, and she doesn't need to worry. Be firm and kind and simply refuse to get drawn into a debate or discussion of the issue.

I don't blame you for not wanting her to have your son unsupervised. She would appear to be unstable and untrustworthy. Stand your ground. You are right.

I would not advise you to leave your son in her care...sm - .

[ In Reply To ..]
It is too risky. If something happens everybody would say, "I should have, could have, would have,"...too late.

Frankly, I think that it is your husband's duty to tell his mother in a kind way that this cannot be done.
It is his mother, not yours.

child away for a week - just me

[ In Reply To ..]
I would not be able to be away from my child for even one night. I like what the other post said about her coming to your house to help you instead.

Have been through something similiar - MIMT

[ In Reply To ..]
About 14 years ago, my future MIL stole prescription drugs from me (very long story) and that is when I found out about her "hidden" problem. She took my prescription narcotic medicine and then took my children (from previous marriage) to the zoo. She is an RN, supervisory status as well. We had been extremely close until this incident. We insisted on counseling, paid for it and everything.

My husband and I now have 2 children, 8 and 9. We have limited her role with them, and she is never aloud to be alone with them. She has supposedly been in "remission" for years, but also is heavily medicated with antidepressants, antianxiety meds, etc.

I know that you are worried about her relapsing, but you have to think of your children first. You cannot control what she does and does not do. You need to be open and honest with her. And your husband needs to be behind you on it. This is the welfare of your children.

Thanks everybody - Worried Mom

[ In Reply To ..]
It really is not a question of whether or not I will let this happen. I will not. Last night I thought about it, trying to remove myself from the situation and look at it as a third party would, and I guess honesty will have to be the answer. No other way. I have to do what is best for my child.

I do not believe my MIL is suicidal. My husband said that is "just talk." Maybe and maybe not. Doesn't matter. As kind as she is to us, she is in remission, and she is under psych care but there are still problems there. My FIL says sometimes (not really frequent) she will go into HER room for a couple of days and lock the door. She does not eat, talk, come out, or let anyone in. She "reads, prays, and meditates." Also, when her meds are being adjusted, sometimes she is like a zombie. I know she is on lithium but I don't know what else, and I am told that it is serious stuff.

While I have to be honest, I am searching for the right words to soften the blow and not hurt her so much. This is pretty much a permanent thing and will impact us as a family for a long time, and I don't want to be cruel. I don't know if it will do any good, but I will tell her over and over that we all love her and support her. This is the first time in my life that the truth has been this hard.

You say that sometimes she is like a zombie. How can she then...sm - .

[ In Reply To ..]
be entrusted with the care of your son? No way. I think she has been "overprescribed" by doctors, like a "guinea pig." This poor woman.

I totally reject drugs that "work" on my brain because those make me lose my identity, and if they "make me think" that they help me, then I am hooked. A NO from me to all these drugs.

My situation is a little different, but... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
I do not allow my children to stay with my MIL alone, either. She hates me and I am not so fond of her and she has been known to allow dangerous things to happen in front of me, just to make me angry; therefore, I do not trust her and she cannot keep the babies without my husband or I around for supervision. While I am not completely against hurting her feelings, I do like to keep the peace, so I make my husband tell her. He can tell her whatever he wants. He is free to lie or tell the truth or make me the bad guy, I don't really care, but it is his mother and he has to deal with her.

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