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Strange behavior of a friend

Posted: May 16, 2014

Please no hateful responses. I feel confused and a bit upset already. I simply wanted to know if I'm imagining things or being too sensitive.

I became friends with gal a few years back. She was going thru a terrible time in her life (relationship) and was pretty withdrawn at times, understandably so. I in turn, now have left a nasty relationship and like most people am struggling a bit with my grief, etc. It was my decision to end it, hers unfortunately was not. She apparently took in a lot of Joyce Meyers, taping them etc., and seeing a lot of movies alone and did see a counselor. I've seen a counselor for a bit. I fault her not at all in the choices that she made to get her through the tough times, but seems to insist that what she did to overcome her situation is what I need and should do.

Now for the strangeness, she and a group of her g-friends get together at her house about once a month for a wine and g-friend night. Sometimes up to 10 people come, a real variety. I mentioned that I'd love to come sometime. Her answer was perhaps I should form my own group. That hurt and was odd to me. I know her and one of the other girls so I would feel like I didn't know anyone. She actually asked me to design the jewelry for one of the other girls for October. So far I've never even been introduced to this girl.

She'll meet me for lunch or dinner, sometimes a movie and once went to a October Fest, but we spent most of the time hovering over a guy she liked. Afterwards all she wanted to do was go home, nothing else. Boy was that a pointless activity for me.

She's very verbally encouraging to me for the most part, I feel like she tries at least.

The last issue was a post I put on FB privately, only to her, and two other of my close friends. I put that I had decided I needed to make some changes and put myself first for a while, work on losing some weight, which I've been putting off, and looking at taking classes at a community college (we all know this field is not what it used to be). On the phone the other night she commented that she did not respond to the post because she was "speechless". SPEECHLESS - WTH does that mean?!? She explained that here I was again trying to take on too much when I hadn't healed completely. WTH does that have anything to do with trying to do a couple of things to build my confidence? My relationship was definitely in the verbally abusive category and confidence is definitely something I'm lacking right now.

I just don't get it, am I her friend or what am I?? She does talk behind her other friends backs and I try to just listen and let it go. She NEVER talks about her Best Friend, which I'm sorry, that phrase went out in high school to me. One of my best friends is fine to say, but calling someone your best friend is like saying this is my best dress. The other dresses are okay but this one's my best. One of the other girls in the group considers this gal her Best Friend and has known her since high school, but this gal makes a point of saying another girl is her BFF. That just seems hurtful to me. This other gal is one of the ones she talks about behind her back, and some VERY personal stuff.

Maybe my perception is skewed after being in an abusive relationship for 9 long years, but this friendship with this girl seems to feel odd to me but I can't quite place it. I'd like to have a talk with her but I don't know what to say or how to begin? Ideas????

;

Why are you wasting your time on her? - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
She seems self-centered and unkind and a little crazy. If the friendship, such as it is, is not working out for you, you do not have to maintain it. Move on. Life is too short to waste it with people who cause unhappiness.

My Opinion - See Msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I personally wouldn't want to consider someone a friend, if that friend talks behind her other friends' back in a negative way, or if that friend discloses very personal information to other people. For an adult to do that is mean and extremely immature. I consider these people a case of arrested development who somehow never matured past age 13.

I'm not being mean here and I understand why you're hurt, but I'm not sure why you want someone of this low caliber to be your friend. You sound better than that to me.

Her reasoning behind why she's not inviting you is hard to know, but since she has a mean streak, maybe she's just being mean for the fun of it, not personal to you. Maybe she's not inviting you because she's jealous of your ability to push yourself to move forward. Sounds like she was seriously stuck for a long time after her relationship ended.

I think you should continue to let yourself grow and handle your lost relationship the way you are. You are moving on with your life and there's nothing wrong with that.

Recognizing her responses are off-putting shows you're gaining confidence. sm - Feather Tuscadero

[ In Reply To ..]
I would also be thrown by some of those situations. Maybe she sees you as a project more than a friend...like, let me use my counseling skills on her and see what happens. Maybe she sees you as weak and she is one of those people who likes to control others. Maybe she's jealous of the goals you're setting. Or maybe it's entirely something different. Like that movie from a few years back, maybe she's just not that in to you.

Whatever the case, she continues to not be what YOU consider a true friend, and recognizing that means that you ARE getting a grip on yourself again, gaining confidence.

It stinks to realize somebody isn't who you thought--or hoped--they were. But no sense wasting another Octoberfest NOT enjoying yourself. Don't spend any more time trying to figure her out; it doesn't seem worth it to me from the way she's treated you.

Try something like MeetUp in your area for a walking group. Exercise releases endorphins, and endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't gossip. :-)

No, your perception is fine, she's just a nutter. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

This friendship seems odd to you because - ...

[ In Reply To ..]
This friendship seems odd to you because it is not a friendship. This woman is an acquaintance, or just someone you know. You did some things with her in the past, but that's about all.

From what you describe, this person does not enjoy your company or seem to like you much. You are not in her circle of friends. That is why she does not spend time with you or invite you to her social activities.

I would cease bothering with her. Don't waste your energy on her. She is not interested in you.

From what you describe, I think she sounds like a queen bee with a clique. She may see you as her poor little person to bully and ridicule, and that may be the motivation behind her excluding you from meaningful activities.

Move on with your life.

I agree! - Maybe join a church, take a

[ In Reply To ..]
class at the library, join a local club or exercise class; there are lots of places to find some new friends. This woman sounds like a bully. She sounds like two girls I knew in junior high who loved to manipulate & bully me. You don't need her.

Thanks for your replies - anon1

[ In Reply To ..]
I guess I feel a little insecure. I lost a lot of friends due to my recently ended relationship. No one wanted to be around him, but dumb me I was determined to make it work with him.

It's just so confusing for me. She's very complimentary of me, I mentioned my interest in making some jewelry and sent her some pics and she was so excited and told me she'd love to be my "model" to get my pieces seen, so to speak.

It's all just so odd. At the October fest she made a point of telling me the guy she spent the whole night talking to thought I was very opinionated. Okay, I do have a strong personality to a point, but if you ask me a direct question I'll probably answer it honestly. She made a point of telling me that he liked that about me. It almost felt like a back-handed compliment.

For now, I'm going to back off. She talks so much about how I need to do this or that to heal from my relationship, but in the same breath admits that she just can't get back out there because she's afraid of being hurt. Doesn't sound like she's too healed to me.

Yep, I do have an exercise group I plan on joining when the money's better. It's a small group and then there's also those "meetup" groups online. I've even considered a PT job outside of the house. Or maybe a class or two towards a AS in Nursing. Hard to meet folks chained to this chair.

Good luck to you - see msg pls

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, good luck with everything. Your "friend" sounds like a flibberty-jibbit.

It's probably not worth your energy to try to figure her out. People like that are just draining. And I'm glad she's not out there looking for a man. His life will be a roller coster.

She's probably one of those who feels wronged, when she was probably impossible to live with. That always confuses me---someone is a raving lunatic, then wonders why someone leaves them. Duuuhhhh.

Exercise! - VetMT

[ In Reply To ..]
Don't wait til you get money to join an exercise class--just do it!! I started this 30 years ago to kill 2 birds with 1 stone (the isolation of working at home and getting fat from being chained to the computer). I'm still going to the Y 3-5 days a week. It's a life-affirming thing to do, and you meet very nice, positive people who are into taking care of themselves. Plus you get those endorphins going, which gives you a much brighter outlook on the world (and yourself).

Best of luck to you:) Let us know when things are looking up for you.

Agree with exercise and ... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
...just want to point out that no "class" is necessary for it. Just get out the door and start walking. That will do more for your "healing" than anything else. First, it is just good for you. Second, it will stop you from obsessively ruminating on these issues, which you need to do before making more friends. Friends should be friends, not self-help therapy groups, and no one will be your friend if they have to listen to issues.

Starting a nursing program is your other best bet. It will help you get your focus out of yourself and on something constructive. See how many prerequisites you can get out of the way with CLEP tests. That saves money and time. Don't put it off because of excuses ... just do it. That is the fastest route out of your chair.

Someone had asked for an update... - anon1

[ In Reply To ..]
Well...I've always been the kind of person who has to tackle something head on to put it to rest. I gave her and a call and just said hey I was wondering if you and I are alright. She asked why I wondered that. I explained that her comment of "speechless" seemed odd to me. She explained she thought I was taking on too much after just ending this relationship, but then again everybody works out this their way. I said exactly, to me finding this to do to improve my situation like taking classes or exercising is a way of feeling better about myself. Not that all of my goals will be completed in 3 months, but I have to start somewhere. This past relationship was hard and the breakup no better, but I can't sit here and dwell on what if's and the grief of not having this person in my life anymore despite how bad it was at times. I explained to her that maybe she wasn't accustomed to someone who likes to jump into new experiences after a bad time, but like she says frequently everyone works things out their own way. I explained that I would really appreciate her to either be "good for you" or say nothing if it isn't something she agrees with. Now...we will see how this goes. I plan on backing off for a bit. I know having another negative person in my life is NOT a good thing right now. In the meantime, exercising and seeing about some classes that I can either test out of or take online will be helpful I think. She did have a very nasty breakup about 4 years ago and she stayed very distant from everyone. That was fine with me. Apparently though she has developed through her counseling or wherever that her way of handling things is the only way. My personal info will be kept to a minimum with her and for now I think some distance would be a good thing, especially for me. I've always believed no one else really knows what a person's romantic relationship was like except them, and no one handles grief the same way. I think in the case of being there for someone you really do have to just "be there", wherever they are in the process, whether you think they should do it different or not. Being a bit of a cheerleader for a friend going through something difficult is always good. Anyway, I'm just putting some distance here. I get the feeling she has some things to work out in her life as well. As a friend, if she doesn't understand the difference between being supportive and being critical then a healthy distance is best for me right now.

I am curious - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I am one of the posters who wondered why you would want someone in your life who spoke behind other peoples' backs and also blabbed other peoples' personal information. And now here you are giving her the time of day.

I have to say, I'm glad you're putting distance between you, but I'm not clear on why you want someone who blabs and is 2-faced ever back in your life. You've left it open for her to come back in your life.

Whoever this other toxic person is, get rid of them, too. You seem to be drawn to toxic people. Please just move on and choose people wisely.

You keep saying "for now" - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
If it were me, I would have written her off completely once I realized she didn't want me at her wine night.

If you're suppose to be friends and she's having this monthly gathering - girls night out, why were you never invited? Then you tell her you would like to come sometime and her response is "perhaps you should start your own." That's not a friend. I would feed her with a long handle spoon.

And if she's talking behind her other friends back then who knows what she's saying behind your back. I wouldn't want her as a friend or acquaintance.

You should seriously kick her to the curb completely.

Sounds Like You Were - WhineNight

[ In Reply To ..]
Used by this "gal." Now that she has a new group of friends, (after you made her feel better about herself)she no longer needs you for anything. Just be glad you are not in her radar any longer, no telling what else she is capable of. Think of wine night as a blessing in disguise and the fact that you were excluded a bonus. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

To OP - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
Not sure why you're drawn to toxic people, but apparently you are. You have 2 in your life. The one you wrote most about is talking behind your back--if she's talking behind other peoples' back, she's talking behind yours.

I have nobody in my life who behaves like your friend. Well, years and years ago I did, but I dumped her. I was stuck on her for some reason, then just got strong and dumped her.

You actually don't have to physically dump this person or be mean. It doesn't have to be dramatic. Just don't initiate any contact. If she initiates contact, just tell her that you have moved on, thank you, and wish her well, "goodbye."

There is a very healthy side to you, but the weakness with this person and the other one in your life is going to pull you down. Don't let the weak side win!

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