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I've got kind of a strange question - how often do you and your hubbies have sex?
Posted: Apr 14, 2011
My husband is driving me nuts. He is not working and every single day he comes in and interrupts my work wanting to have sex. He's like a child. He will not give up. I tell him no, I need to work. He sits there and says stupid stuff like "you'll enjoy it, I promise" blah, blah, blah. We are in our 40s and have been married for 21 years.
I'm starting to get angry because he acts as though I work from home, he can interrupt me whenever he wants just like one of the kids! Another thing is I am at a point in my life where I don't NEED to have sex every single day. I would say maybe once a week, if that much. I just don't want to have sex. And finally our marriage is strained because he doesn't have a job and hasn't even looked for one in a long time. I'm working 2 jobs and he says he will be my house husband except the house is a complete a total mess! He drinks too much. He took the laundry over and the kids and I can never find any of clothes. We throw them into the hamper and he takes the hamper to the basement and we never see our clothes again until I go and search them out and find them either sitting in the dryer or wadded up the basket, clean but wrinkled because he didn't bother to fold them.
So as you can see I am very dissatisfied and stressed in many ways and as you can imagine, I am not in the mood. Today my husband and I had a discussion about this because again he was trying to interrupt me for sex (which by the way I had sex with him yesterday to shut him up, so it's not like I haven't had sex with him in months!!!). He basically tried to make me feel like I was strange and something was wrong with me and he actually said and I quote "You should be happy that I still want to have sex with you after all these years." Well now that's romantiic! Then he says most women would love to have sex every day or every other day, which prompted me to post here. I figure I could take a poll and see how often other woman have sex and how often they WANT to have sex.
Sorry if this is too personal or offensive to some, but I'm past the point of being polite and I just need some answers!
;
sex - coach47
[ In Reply To ..]Sounds like your hubby is substituting sex for his feelings of inadequacy. You need to set some ground rules for the kids and him since you are working from home. I basically said it like this, if I were at work in an office, would you be asking me that question? Would you be calling me for that? When I'm at work unless there is blood involved (you know - kids fighting, LOL) Don't disturb the MOM! LOL My thoughts are with you.
HAH! - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]What kind of world is he living in where women want to have sex every day? A world of his own imagination, I would say. Just to answer your original question, without being totally specific, let's just say my husband have sex less than once a week. I could do without it totally, but do it for him because he want it. Under no circumstances would I allow my work to be interrupted just because my husband wants sex, that's outlandish. That's like if you went to his workplace(if he had one) and demanded that he drop everything to have sex with you. Crazy! I think maybe he's just bored and it gets him something pleasurable to do. Not fair to you, though.
Give him incentives - mt1347
[ In Reply To ..]I would flat out tell him that he drinks too much and doesn't hold up his end of the relationship because he isn't doing the household chores like he promised. Tell him if he wants to woo you, he has to decrease the drinking, do the laundry, keep the house reasonably clean, and most important, not interrupt you while you are working unless it is life or death. Be specific - tell him how much "drinking" is too much, tell him folding clothes is part of doing the laundry (the kids can put away their own clothes), and that the bathroom must cleaned everyday, the kitchen sink scrubbed, dishwater ran and dishes put away - whatever it is. It sounds like he needs specific tasks outlined for him to keep him focused. I would make it worth his while if he all those things. He is hurting right - being without a job is the toughest thing in the world for a man except losing his spouse - and he needs reassurance from you. He doesn't know how to ask for that, so he's asking for the sex.
Little older than you.... - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]Married for 35 years (I was 19, he was 20) and we have sex 2, sometimes 3 times a week. For me, once a week is plenty. All men try to pull the "everybody else I know gets more than me" card. Don't believe it.
sex - anon
[ In Reply To ..]I'm 30, been married 11 years, i was 19 and he was 26. we go through dry spells where maybe once a week we have sex, and then have times where it's every day for a week straight. The more my hubby is home the more we have it!! I hope ur hubby finds a job soon, hang in there!
At least three times a week. - IWouldRatherNotSay
[ In Reply To ..]Sometimes every day. Occasionally, we hit a dry or busy spell when we are just too tired and it might lapse to once a week, but those are usually short-lived. I would actually be happy to be interrupted while working for sex. Just goes to show that everyone is different. ;-)
Opposite here - anon
[ In Reply To ..]We're mid 40s also. As another poster said, it varies with us depending on schedules, activities, work, etc., but I'd guess that we average 3-4 times a week. In recent years, I think I initiate as much as he does though :-)
Certainly, though, I think you (more accurately your hubby) have another issue going on. I'm no psychiatrist or therapist, but I think the constantly coming to you to interrupt you for sex is a symptom of other things going on with him emotionally -- his being out of work and all that stems from that (being "stuck" at home, doing the housework - which I'm guessing he didn't do before) etc.
Best of luck to both of you as you work on the issues. Try not to wring his neck :-)
sex - mt?
[ In Reply To ..]My husband is the same way. He thinks because I'm at home that I don't really work. He expects me to drop everything for sex and anything else he thinks he can't do for himself, i.e. dealing with the kids or what not. He doesn't drink, but he's mean and emotionally abusive to me and the kids. He calls us names, puts us down, and generally just makes us feel like crap. He thinks if he goes a few hours or even a day without yelling at us that he deserves to be rewarded with sex. I don't believe sex should be a reward for behavior. It should be something you want to do because you enjoy it. I don't enjoy sex with him because all I can think about is the bad way he treats me and the kids. Years ago before he started acting like an ass we had sex sometimes once a week, sometimes more, and sometimes we would have dry spells, but now he's lucky if he gets it once every six months. I have no interest in sex with him. Sorry about the long post. Don't really have anyone to talke to about this.
mine too - just me
[ In Reply To ..]My husband does the same thing; interrupts me for sex while I'm working. I have two jobs; MT is done after working 9 hours at the office. As if I really want to have sex after a 13 hour day? I think not.
My problem is a little different though. My husband is a recovering addict. He just traded drinking and drugging for sex. Doesn't matter that he's clean & sober for 27 years. An addict is an addict.
I'm having serious GYN problems at the moment, so sex right now is 3 minutes or less MAYBE once a week until my surgery next Thursday. Before that, we used to fight about sex! That was the only thing we've ever argued about! (Like I said, he's an addict!) He would tie me to the bed if he could. I suppose he was upset when the "Honeymoon phase" was over and we weren't doing it every day (sometimes 2-3 times a day), and it dwindled down to every other day. After seven years though, "routine" for us is at LEAST three to four times a week, or I'll never hear the end of it.
Good luck to you!
I'm not interested in sex with my husband anymore either! - UnknownMT
[ In Reply To ..]I know I sound like a total witch, but he acts like a child. He wines if I say. He tells me his feelings are hurt. And all I want to do is scream at him to grow up!
It's hard for me to work up any kind of physical attraction to him when he doesn't work, doesn't want work, stopped looking for a job and I am basically shouldering all the finances. He doesn't hold up his end of the bargain either. Like I said, my house is a wreck. So I get irritated and resentful because on my ONE day off a week, I have to clean or it will not get done.
But I have to hear about his feelings! Sex has become just one more thing on my list of "have to's."
The roles are completely reversed in my house. I guess I should start drinking beer and scratching myself and the transformation will be complete! I'd laugh if I weren't so peaved!
Sweetie, you feel free to talk all you want! Sometimes - UnknownMT
[ In Reply To ..]we just need to vent and anonymously on the internet is just as good as any place else.
more? - :)
[ In Reply To ..]We don't have it as much as I want! I am in a rut where it is only about once or twice a week and it's not making love anymore as much as I want it to be. He is 30 and I am 26.
Sex - ILMT
[ In Reply To ..]I am so glad to see this topic come up because we are having some "issues" with our sex life as well. I'll give you a little background.
Like you we are in our mid-40s, met when we were 19 and got married at 21. We have now been together going on 25 years. Of course like most in the beginning we were like horny rabbits, doing it every day and some times twice. He was the most laid back, easy going person, which is one of the main things that I was attracted to.
In my mid 20s, I went through some "mental health" problems (I was misdiagnosed for 20 years, it is only about 5 years ago that they correctly diagnosed me with bipolar disorder). Anyway, for most of my mid to late 20s, I had no interest in sex but did it to please him.
When we hit 30 we decided that it was time to have kids. I had my first one at 30 and I had my youngest at 38. Well you know what it is like when you have kids; you are so wiped out and tired that the last thing you want is sex. During that time, we weren't having sex as often, but when we did it was REALLY good. We were surprised that after 20 years and all the rough times we went through the sex was still good. As crazy as it may sound, I was kind of proud of that.
Fast forward to around the time we hit 40. I had inherited some money and one of the first things I did was arrange for a romantic weekend at a couples hotel, which set me back about $750 for 2 days (one of the coolest things we had ever done). My husband has never been the affectionate, romantic type at all. After that weekend away, he was different. He was more affectionate and was genuinely happy, best it had ever been in that regard. I am sure that because for a little while, money was not an issue because of the money I had inherited. Once we financially started to struggle again, he slowly turned into his old self and we were right back where we started. During this period of time, knowing that I had a little extra money in the bank, he went out and bought a truck (about $7500) and a 4-wheeler that he claimed he needed for farming (about $3200) AND went out and decided he had to buy $135,000 on some farmland which was mostly pasture. He did all of this without talking to me first, asking if we could afford these payments etc because he knew that I had extra money to fall back on. During that time he thought things were great, he got what time that there was still that extra, he thought things were great, he got all he wanted (farm, truck, 4-wheeler) After about 2 years, the extra money was gone and then financially things fell apart. Of course, he blames all of this on me, I should have handled the money better and so on. It was about this time that he lost interest in sex. Of course, I asked what was wrong, was he having an affair, was there something about me that has turned him off. He said no to all of that and went to the doctor. Come to find out, he had a low testosterone level and was given medication for this so his sex drive has improved in the last few months. Recently our financial situation has gotten really bad and once again, I was told it was all my fault. All of this has caused me to resent him a lot and now that his sex drive has picked up, I have no interest because of the resentment I have. I have come to realize lately that my resentment will never go away and that he will never see it from my perspective (there were a couple of other smaller problems as well). I have decided that I can't do this anymore, getting blamed for the situation we are in, everything is all my fault and that he will never "get it." I have been telling him for months that I was done and did not want to stay together but he doesnt listen and thinks I it is just talk and that I wouldnt do it. Actually, I called a lawyer this afternoon for an apepointment after once again getting blamed for it all. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I finally told him to take his precious farm and shove it where the sun don't shine and that I am done and could not do this anymore. I am sure that it is inevitable that we will seperate/divorce whether he wants to be in denial or not.
I think that when it comes to sex, it is more emotionally-related for women and for men it is the physical aspect. Once the resentment is there, it greatly affects the desire for sex and your attraction for that person. The way I see it, you have every right to feel resentment for all that you put up with and do not let him make you think it is all your fault.
I wish I had some good advice to give you but all I can do is tell you that you are not alone. and you are completely justified to feel that way towards him and dont let him convince you that it is all your fault. Good luck and my thoughts will be with you!!!!
re: ILMT - OMG
[ In Reply To ..]I was reading this thread with interest, until your post! Good grief! If you want to write a book, write a book, just don't post it here.
I didn't even bother with this one...
Glad you didn\'t bother! - ILMT
[ In Reply To ..]Definitely don\'t need your \"open mindness and empathy\" Certainly wouldn\'t want you advice anyway. How knows, you may find yourself in the same situation.....Have a Horrible day!!!!!
I want to want sex, but I don't (if that makes sense) - Peep
[ In Reply To ..]We had the sex life and things were still great until about 3 years ago. I never thought this would happen! Even when things were tough in other areas, we still had that connection. I don't know what it is. We've been married for 26 years. I am in perimenopause so I'm sure hormones must have something to do with it. When we do have sex it is great, but I would never have it unless my husband initiates it. It's like I used to love chocolate ice cream, but now it's ehhh....whatever. (Except that I do still like chocolate ice cream!)
I don't want sex with my husband at all - The neighbor's husband, however...
[ In Reply To ..]He is a whole 'nother matter. I have sex with him two or three times a week, and would do it more if the logistics weren't so darned tricky.
Neighbor's husband - 1m5
[ In Reply To ..]Are you serious or just trying to get people riled up? You know you are going to get flack from this.
You are joking, right? - cll
[ In Reply To ..]x
re: Neighbor - Lolita
[ In Reply To ..]Me too! Nothing is tricky tho, it's way too easy. His wife and my DH both work out of the house. His garage apt is perfect! We can hear anything coming and all we have to do is go out the back door into the area behind the garage and house to "look at plants or do yard work" Our yards are joined. :D Only difference is, me and hubby are very, very active also. I would describe myself as the aggressor toward them both, and get absolutely no complaints from either!
You made me laugh! - Kendra
[ In Reply To ..]Thanks for the smile! :D
It varies, but 1-2 x a week in general - sm - Understanding MT
[ In Reply To ..]We can go longer at times (2 weeks tops but that is rare). My DH is 52 and a horny SOB too but he can live with 2 x a week, if he wants more he can see Mr. Hand. Your DH is obviously depressed about not working and is using sex for his self-worth maybe? It is about making him feel better...at least you want him (in his mind) if you have sex with him. My DH can be a pain too and he bugs me when I am working too, though late at night (1-I am very tired, 2- the last thing i want is sex, or a long "romp", just a quickie), sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. As Peep said, I too don't really want it either (45) but my sex drive died like the minute I got pregnant 13 years ago. I still enjoy it, but just really don't care, and never initiate it (my poor DH). In my case glad he still wants sex with me as I have gained 70 pounds since we married (he is a thin rail). But we have always had a good sex life and hope it continues for a long time, but definitely not every day!
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