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My ex insists on showing up to our daughter's ball games

Posted: Jun 12, 2017

drunk and unbearably obnoxious. When he is sober, he is a complete ass. So add alcohol to that and it's awful. He is loud, overly animated (throwing himself back in the bleachers, banging his fist on the bleachers, etc), arguing with umps, criticizing the coach, and making snide comments about other players. I don't/won't sit anywhere near him, but I feel awful that the other parents are having to put up with him and I feel sick that my daughter has to suffer the indignity of having a father like this.

I have talked to him repeatedly, sometimes calmly and sometimes not so calmly, about his behavior, how it is humilating for his daughter. He always says he wasn't that bad and he wasn't the only one who thought that call was bad, etc. I've told him to stop coming when he is drinking. He lies and says that he would NEVER come to watch daughter while drunk. BS! Now I have taken to just plain telling him not to come to which he tells me his daughter wants him there. Our daughter is 16, so I've talked with her about it and she doesn't want him there, but she doesn't want to tell him for fear of hurting his feelings. So I decided we should just stop telling him the schedule. This has worked well except he has become aware that she has had games he didn't know about and called me up, leaving me irate messages on how I'm keeping him from his daughter and asking how could I do this to him and his daughter.

I'm at a loss. I myself have an ex parte against him, but I don't have one in place for our daughter because he's never been abusive and I don't know that a judge would grant me one just to keep him away from games because he's a jerk. Anyway in my small town an ex parte order is a joke. Anytime he has broken it by calling me or harrassing me, he get's a warning from the cops. That's it. He basically will have to become violent with me before he goes to jail.

I just don't know what to do. Even if my daughter were to tell him she didn't want him at her games, I don't think he'd listen or care. Everyone in this town knows who and what he is. Our daughter is top of her class, an athelete, just a really good girl. He has said to me that his daughter is "rehabbing his image in this town" which makes me sick to my stomach. I hate this man with every fiber of my being and I cannot for the life of me figure out a way to get him out of our lives!

I don't really think there is any solution to my problem. I just wanted to vent a little. It was a particularly rough weekend. Thanks for listening.

;

Video his sorry butt being a sorry butt - and post it on social media

[ In Reply To ..]
Don't forget to tag people he knows and hashtag significant words like loser, drunk, worthless, etc. Use him as a poster CHILD for how not to be. I feel sorry for your daughter. Good luck to you both.

My Take - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't agree with splashing him all over Social Media--that would be more humiliating to the daughter.

Next time he shows up drunk at a game, call the cops when he's about to drive, and they'll nail him for drunk driving.

Been there... - Winston

[ In Reply To ..]
The only person he's hurting is your daughter. Keep quiet and let her see and hear and experience her father as he is. She will come to her own conclusions as she ages. You no longer have relationship with you, so anything you say or do to him will be construed by your daughter as vindictive. However, that does not include when he becomes a danger to her; then you're mama bear. That's okay. But, badmouthing him and constantly wringing your hands... won't help your kid decide. Just let him be himself and over time she'll come to her own conclusions. If she's being raised by you, that conclusion will probably be that alcoholism is a horrible disease that makes people stupid. She will love him in spite of it, but she probably won't be a drinker. JMO.

JMO - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
If, as you say, you have done as much as you can legally do, it is time that your daughter take charge here. She is 16. This is her father, and it is not going to long before she is an adult and will HAVE to. I totally understand your feelings and agree with you but from this point forward it may be that she has to deal with him and set limits for her own wellbeing, and she needs to tell him that, not you. It will not do any good coming from you. She could make all the difference in the world if she wants to. Not sure what she considers unacceptable but she is going to figure that out pretty quickly. I do feel sorry for her having to deal with this, but it is not going to go away, even when she is 18. She needs to talk to her father and make her own demands and boundaries.

Have you talked to the league officials? sm - Old Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I have heard of ball clubs who have rules and standards regarding parents' out of control behavior and rudeness towards any players and reserve the right to talk to out of control parents and ask them to stop it and/or ask them to leave. If other parents are aware of his behavior, then certainly the officials can also see it. They need to deal with it, but you have to urge them to do so. Could it be that they know him and are afraid of him? I also like the part about calling the police, but I wouldn't put it through as a 911 call, just call the main police station number and simply tell them there is an out of control drunk parent there disrupting the game for everyone. Do it discreetly so he doesn't see you making the call. As far as your daughter not wanting to hurt her father's feelings, make sure to tell her how his behavior is making you feel and that his feelings deserve to be hurt and that his behavior is hurting you too and she needs to help you put a stop to it.

I vehemently disagree with your last sentence - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree with calling the cops, enlisting the help of league officials, etc.

I do NOT agree with using the daughter to help resolve adult issues. It's totally abusive to manipulate the girl with how dad's behavior is "hurting you too" or to insist that "she needs to help you put a stop to it." Totally abusive.

If everyone in town already knows who and what he is, - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
then I don't see the need to make a big fuss. Give him enough rope, he'll hang himself! I agree with the tipping off the police when he is going to drive drunk. If nothing else it might save a life!

My ex did that once, obnoxious, rude, drunk... - Until I reminded him

[ In Reply To ..]
of the ex parte and threatened to call the police unless he could come back sober and quiet. He never showed back up. He was and is a miserable excuse for a human being.

You might want to explain what...sm - Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
the ex parte is. I think you probably mean something in the divorce agreement but maybe the OP doesn't know or have this in hers. Another option for the OP might be a restraining order for public drunken behavior in the presence of his child to see if she can get him barred from her games or elsewhere.

So OP, do any of the above suggestions make any sense to you?

Thanks for all the suggestions. I've decided to call the police the next time. - SoftballMom

[ In Reply To ..]
Not 911, but the local department. They know him and have dealt with him before. As far as him driving, he doesn't own a car. He doesn't work. It's a small town and he basically walks everywhere, to the bar, the liquor store, and the school for games. Sometimes he rides a bike which is comical.

I try really hard not to bad mouth him to my daughter. It's so hard though. My level of disdain sometimes overwhelms me.

The above poster is right, my daughter is basically at the age of consent and she needs to set her own boundaries. Something we need to work towards, I guess. Thanks for all the advice!

An ex parte is an order of protection. He's not supposed - SoftballMom

[ In Reply To ..]
to come near me, harass me, etc. I have sole legal and physical custody of our daughter and he can have visitation, but because she's 16, I Let her make the decision to see him or not. If he wants to challenge that, he has to take me back to court which he will never do because he has no job, no money, and is always drunk.

As it is, he comes to her games and that's when she sees him. I try to be restrained and civil. That's the best I can do.

This Stuff - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I honestly think it's okay to bad-mouth him to your daughter. IMHO, you are otherwise sending a message that it's okay for a father to be drunk and she may end up choosing a bad guy to marry and have kids with. While I don't think it's okay to slam him in public or cause a scene, I think it's just fine to guide her in the direction that he is not a good guy---but let her know she can't change him. I think you're sending her a message that his behavior is okay, and I can't go along with that. She's only 16 and still needs your guidance!

There is a difference between telling my daughter - SoftballMom

[ In Reply To ..]
her father is an alcoholic and I'm not going to allow him to come to your games anymore versus telling my daughter "your father is a worthless drunk and you will never see him again!" The latter is what I define as bad mouthing.

My daughter is an intelligent girl and she knows the score, I promise you. I don't need to remind her what her father is or what his many shortcomings are. We have had many frank and honest conversations about his alcoholism and his behavior. I just don't think I need to tell her how much I hate him or what a poor excuse for a father he is or that I hope he rots in hell.

Another softball mom ... sm - IrkedMT

[ In Reply To ..]
It's been a few years since our softball life, but I'm surprised the umpires haven't ejected him permanently from the field. Do you have the ability to speak to the umpires and/or your daughter's coaching staff? Shame on him!

Typically, alcohol and drunkenness are not allowed on - public sports fields. sm

[ In Reply To ..]
What is preventing you from calling the police to alert them to a drunken individual at a soft ball game?

Public drunkenness is not looked upon fondly in any community. Use appropriate channels and call the police, for goodness sake.

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