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My Father is Dying
Posted: Oct 21, 2015
My father has stage 4 lung cancer. He's lost 50 pounds in a little over 2 months. Radiation and chemotherapy did not work, he starts hospice today.
The problem I'm having is dealing with my mother.
BACKGROUND: My parents divorced when I was a teenager - almost 30 years ago. My dad's current wife/my stepmother, is the woman he left my mom for.
Anyway, as I said, my father is very ill and dying. He is in his last days. He doesnt really talk. The only way I can get information on what is going on is through his wife/my stepmother.
My mother is FURIOUS!! She actually yelled at me on the phone yesterday about being "too nice" to my stepmother. She said I didnt need to talk to my stepmother EVERY DAY to find out how my dad was doing, etc, etc.
I was really surprised at this!! My father is dying, and all she can think about is how jealous she is that I am talking to my stepmother more now.
I dont know how to handle this. Obviously, I'm not going to stop talking to my stepmother - I need to know what is going on with my father of course!
Can anyone help?
;
Can you keep your mom out of it? - ?
[ In Reply To ..]If your dad is dying, you will want to visit him and keep up with his condition as much as possible. If that has to be through your step mom, then that's what it has to be. How does your mom even know about this, do you talk to her about it? If so, then just stop sharing with her.
Sister and I - Sheila
[ In Reply To ..]Information to my mother provided by both my sister and I. But you are absolutely right. I should keep her "out of the loop" so to speak. The next time she asks me about it, I will tell her to call my sister, then politely change the subject.
Stop telling your mom everything - I learned the hard way
[ In Reply To ..]It's hard if you have always confided in her, but now she only seems to care about herself.
One simple solution. Stop telling her everything. She does not need to know you talked to your stepmother. That is between you, your stepmother and your dad.
my heart goes out to you... - beenthere
[ In Reply To ..]I lost my husband to stage 4 lung cancer almost 2 years ago. He refused hospice until literally the last day of his life. Hospice will be a great help to you, take advantage of all you can. Towards the end, Ken would see fairies in the room, and that was before he was even on morphine. Its a process, according to hospice. it is as if they have one foot in this world and the other foot in the world where they will eventually be going. All I can say, its not easy watching this all go on in front of your eyes. Be there for your father as much as you can, and as for your mother, it seems to me she is being very insensitive to YOUR feelings. I understand she feels she was betrayed, but he is and will always be your father :)
I agree with Been There - and furthermore sm
[ In Reply To ..]The last line of her post, "he is and will always be your father," should be repeated to your mother. This difficult time you are going through is not about her marriage, or your stepmother. You need to tell her, gently, that you completely understand how she feels, BUT you cannot deal with HER issues right now. Ask her to look at it from your perspective. I did this with my mom once, and it worked. When my father died, she even came over and cleaned my house while I was gone, and sent flowers from a florist.
Limited conversation with your mom about this would be best. If she asks for info, be honest, but be limited. If you have to you, tell her you do not wish to discuss it.
Good luck to you, my dear.
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