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Father-in-law
Posted: Nov 7, 2010
My father-in-law likes to come over on weekends and he and my husband watch TV. No problem. Well, last weekend, he made a comment to me as I was eating a couple of choc. chip cookies that I needed to lose weight. I was surprised but wasn't really offended because I do need to lose some weight. I am not obese but I am above my ideal weight and do have a belly I need to lose. Well, I kind of laughed about that. Then yesterday, as I was coming inside from helping my husband burn trash and clean out his truck, he made the comment that I needed to exercise more. He said you looked like you are worn out just from doing that. You need to get some exercise. I am thinking okay, what is the deal here? I laughed with the first comment but now another one the next weekend. I think that is rude. It did offend me. I just looked at him and made no comment. I don't know what to think about these comments except lose some weight, which I already knew I needed to do.
;
not nice - sm
[ In Reply To ..]You could say some things back, if he is offending you, which it sounds like he is. To me, he is crossing the line, i'm sure you know whether or not you need to lose weight or exercise. Not even hubby should say that, unless it was genuine concern for your health. Being a little heavy is hard enough without comments like those. If he passively aggressively attacks you again, how about saying "you need to stop the verbal abuse" or "you need to stop coming over if you're going to attack me." That is what he is doing, he is verbally abusing you and attacking you in your own house.
My mother-in-law used to do this to me and - SM
[ In Reply To ..]I bit back! Because it is absolutely rude to say that to someone. I'd say stuff like "Yeah, I can lose weight, but you'll still be a..." You get the picture.
I've never been one to sit back and politely take anyone's crap. That's the way momma raised me!
GRRRR - TiredMT
[ In Reply To ..]Bless yer heart. I just do NOT understand people. I\'m like you, not sure I\'d say anything to him, but I\'d sure let hubby know ya don\'t appreciate his barbs and it hurt your feelings. Then, if hubby doesn\'t handle it, then you need to!
Inappropriate remarks - OldHandAtThis
[ In Reply To ..]Definitely your husband needs to be the one to speak to his father, not you. You need to have a frank talk with your husband, and tell him how you feel about these rude inappropriate ungentlemanly comments. It is one thing for your husband to express some concern about your weight gain (which frankly would make me so angry that I would probably go out of my way to pack on an extra 20 pounds or more, and every insulting remark would be good for another 5 pounds -- but that is just me being contrary and very foolish) but not anyone else among his friends or in his family.
Men are clueless when it comes to this - sm - ECMT
[ In Reply To ..]I think they think we don't know when we are overweight. My DH is better about nagging me now than he was, has no clue that him harping on it has the opposite effect. I have 80 pounds to lose unfortunately but recently started, on my own without prodding from him, to finally tackle it, trying to get my life back in order in various ways. Down 5 pounds, 75 to go. I am setting small goals and taking it one day at a time. He is being encouraging for a change and not harping, I just hope it stays that way. --I'd just tell him point blank you know you could lose a few pounds but to back off and knock it off with any comments. I presume he has no spare tire or else he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.
I would start pointing out some of HIS flaws to HIM. - n/msg
[ In Reply To ..]..
re: flaws - jp
[ In Reply To ..]Oh yeah... that's a real adult way to handle it... Read below. Sure, sometimes people don't know how to start this conversation, but weight issues cause a lot of health issue so why shouldn't our spouse bring it up? Why should it be a fight?
I completely disagree with this post, point out each others flaws... Sure wouldn't want to be a member of this family! Sounds toxic.
HE sounds "toxic." - Married the husband, not his father!
[ In Reply To ..].
Toxic - Aneta
[ In Reply To ..]True, but if the husband didn't come to her "defense" right off, I'd be wondering if he had spoke to his father because like someone mentions below, he doesn't know how to tactfully approach her about her weight.
Perhaps the FIL, rude and out of line as he was, was trying to help his son start the talk about weight and health issues... Just my 2 cents.
My weight became a problem about 10 years ago. I am a small framed woman 5'2" and when I passed 135+ and started to have aches and pains, my darling did little things to let me know he was concerned. He'd poke my "love handles", call me buddah belly... It seemed harmless, but it was making me furious!
When I developed GERD and couldn't even take the dog for a walk without a rest, I got his not so subtle messages. He loves me and wants me to take care of myself.
His mom later told me that he spoke to her about not knowing how to say anything to me because I was "sensitive about the issue" and he didn't want it to become an argument. How sad that we couldn't talk outright about our feelings. We are more honest and closer than ever and I'm back to a better weight for my tiny frame. I feel great too.
Rude FIL - happyMT
[ In Reply To ..]Your father-in-law is try to control you in some way by shocking you. If he does it again, you need to tell him directly that your weight, exercise, body shape, IQ, cooking skills, and sex life is not for him to worry his little chauvanist head about. You should be firm and direct or he'll keep doing it. I've been there & I put up with it for years until I woke up. Once I spoke up, he shut up! Good luck
Some people.... - GT
[ In Reply To ..]are genuinely concerned about a loved one's health and no matter how it's verbalized or comes across, offense is taken. I know I concern myself about my family's health and say things they resent, no matter how I broach the subject. Men,generally, have no concern about their own health--let alone anyone else's.I doubt this is the case with your father-in-law and he just wants to either get under your skin or try to control you in some way. In any case, good luck with your efforts on losing weight. Been there, done that. : )
re: FIL and husband - tl
[ In Reply To ..]Before you get offended try sitting down and talking about it. I went through this, but it turned ugly fast.
I didn't know how to approach my husband about his weight. He was gaining a lot of weight and eating in unhealthy ways. I had to break down and tell my own husband that his weight was becoming an issue. He was initially very angry, started pointing out what he thought were MY flaws and short comings and it turned into an out and out verbal war. It was a low point in our lives.
My whole point was that he was becoming unhealthy. He had developed gout, fatty liver, blood clots, high blood pressure and other weight related problems. He was also very lazy. I suggested he was depressed, but his answer to that was "if I am it's because of you"...Eventually every little disagreement we had he would bring up that "i think he's fat and lazy..." which was untrue!
First his anger turned to resentment and he gained even more weight. One day he developed a horrible pain in his chest and thought he was going to die of a heart attack (he's 36...). Turned out to be a warning. The doc finally confirmed what I had suggested, Lose weight, get on a diet, exercise.
He's getting healthy, has apologized to me because he knows now that I was really and truely looking out for him. He also knew he needed to lose weight, but it offended him and he got defensive.
Please don't "fight fire with fire" and start a fight about it. First talk about it. I love my husband, I want him to be here with me. Give a conversation a chance. Maybe your husband was like me and didn't really know how to start the initial talk about it. I apparently did something wrong, even though it turned out well. Like I said, I didn't know how to start that conversation.
Thanks for hearing me out.
I understand exactly what you say tl...sm - GT
[ In Reply To ..]My husband had several health issues, and just one was being overweight. He also has varicose veins and peripheral artery disease. Even though I would explain that we BOTH needed to change to protect our health, he always thought I was "picking on him." It took losing his big toe from an infection (diabetes is not one of his issues) to convince him that he really needed to change. He made major changes and his health has drastically improved. Now, if only I could get my daughter, who has the same problems with her feet as my husband, to understand... ; )
FIL's possible onset of dementia? - clunybrown
[ In Reply To ..]Just wondering. If this sort of rude behavior is uncharacteristic for FIL, then I would be concerned for signs of onset of early dementia. Loss of inhibition (i.e., stating WHATEVER is on your mind)is one of the signs.
On the other hand, the poster who stated that FIL may be acting on behalf of hubby may be right on the money.
Congrats on the weight loss. Making small and steady goals is definitely the way to go.
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