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Lost a friend

Posted: Jan 14, 2014

I wonder if this has happened to anyone? I really need to vent about this, so if this long, sorry. Last year about June, my best friend moved across country. We used to be close like sisters. In fact, she often considered me her sister. I was her only female friend in this part of the country. She had been through so much with me. It was the kind of relationship that if we didn't speak for a couple of months or so, one of us would call and it was like we had spoken just yesterday. Anyway, when I found out that she had moved across country (she didn't even call me to let me she was having a hard time), I was in shock! I knew that eventually she would move because her mom had moved the year before and she was a mama's girl. Anyway, I called her phone number and her husband did confirm it. They had separated and all he would tell me was that they hadn't been getting along for a long time. Anyway to make a long story short, I do have facebook and we were friends on that. I did sort of communicate with her just to find out how things were going. Then I started noticing that whenever she was on line, I would send her an IM saying hi how are you and all of a sudden she would log off! This happened again last night and finally I decided that she was making it obvious at least to me, that she was no longer interested in our friendship. So I unfriended her and her husband both, just so neither one could say I was playing favorites. I feel sorry for her because she moved across country, had NO job. Had obviously gotten some money from her husband because she did buy a mobile home. According to what I read, it was rather a hurried move as she did not take what she wanted or needed to take. Now she is having a rather hard time finding a job and supposedly is getting "desperate". I'm just saddened that a friendship of 20 years has ended like this. I don't have close family and she was my family or so I thought. I had tried talking to her via facebook, and she said she was just so stressed out, etc. But when you send a message when she is on line and then she gets off without answering not just once but a number of times, then it's obvious she doesn't want that friendship. But it still hurts. Anyway thanks for letting me vent. I was just hurting. ;

Friend - Effie

[ In Reply To ..]
Hugs... There is just no understanding why somethings happen. I lost a friend because she could not stand it that I didn't hate Obama... It just ate her up and a friendship of 20 years ended. It made me very sad, I even considered lying to her and telling her I had seen the light about Obama.. ROFL. But, I decided to move on. Its sad, but its life. Maybe in the future she will be able to reach out to you.

I have to say, I have done this same thing. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It happened when I left my partner of 14 years. I cut off nearly all contact with people who had been close to me during the years that I was with him because the association was unhealthy to me. It was a very terrible breakup--I lost all of my belongings and lived in a state of constant panic for months. I abandoned my friends, right down to logging off if they saw I was on Facebook. I eventually canceled my account altogether.

I know I caused my friends pain and I felt bad about it--but the feeling of the association was even worse. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I wish there was something I could say to help, other than please don't take it personally. Sometimes people need to move on to get healthy again. Maybe one day she'll desire to reconnect with you. You just don't know what's going through her head right now.

My story - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
This happened to me a couple of times. With one of my girlfriends, she kept moving without telling me, writing to me, nothing. I would try to call her at her last known phone number, only to find out she no longer lived there. This happened 3 times with her, and I finally got angry with her and told her if she is going to disappear into thin air, to please let me know. She wrote me a letter--this was all before e-mail, Facebook etc), apologized, "cried," etc., and I let her back in my life. She disappeared yet again and I stopped trying to contact her.

With another friend, she just stopped making the effort to call me. I didn't press her for fear of pushing her farther away.

I think sometimes people run the fastest from the people they feel closest with. They're having some sort of tragedy and they can't handle feeling so vulnerable to those who they love and who love them.

I think your friend is being rude (and I felt my friends were being rude), but just leave them be. She may feel extremely close to you, but afraid to let it show. I personally don't understand not at least acknowledging a long-time friend--it's a selfish sort of act, but a protective one for them.

If you are very clear that nothing has happened in your relationship with her (like, she thinks you had something to do with the breakup or something), then leave her be. If she chooses to "come back" into your life, tread very carefully so you don't end up being horribly hurt again. Let her in and allow her to explain if she wants, but know this could happen again with her. You have to protect yourself.

lost friend - Meri

[ In Reply To ..]
thank you all for your comments. I too feel that she has been rude. I mean she talks to several other people on facebook every day, but not to me. Another thing I have noticed is that she is always having a "pity party". she puts sayings on her wall like saying people let you down, etc. They are sayings from other web sites that she feels pertain to her. I know she is having a hard time and I do understand. I had nothing to do with hthe breakup of her marriage. In fact, I didn't know anything was wrong until I found out she left. We will see how she handles this. Facebook does not notify your friends when you unfriend them, so she maybe doesn't know. Anyway I unfriended both her and her husband just so no one can say I'm being partial to one or the other. Y'all have a good day and thanks

Another side - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
She may just be going through something that she needs to go through on her own and while you may feel it is selfish (I do too) everything in life isn't necessarily about YOU. I had kind of the same thing happen, with me being on the other side. Had a best friend for decades and then I just went through some stuff that I didn't really want to share with him or ANYONE. He seemed to take it almost personally that I didn't choose to pour my problems on him. Same thing with Facebook too, him and I were friends and he would just constantly message me on there and I just wouldn't respond when I wasn't in the mood and he also deleted me as a friend. He also sent me a message though telling me exactly why he deleted me, due to me not answering and me acting like I didn't want him a part of my life. I DID want him a part of my life, just not right at that second, and was that selfish of me? Probably. But, I feel it was selfish of him too not to just back off and let me be. If you are or were a TRUE friend, you would just wait in the background for her, in case she needs you. Nobody says you have to put your life on hold or do anything drastic in the meantime, but deleting her from Facebook, really?? That seriously lacks maturity on your part as well.

I think the OP - Has a right to delete

[ In Reply To ..]
I think the OP was well within her rights to go ahead and "unfriend" her friend. Her friend is downright blatantly ignoring her, for whatever reason.

I think that if someone just doesn't want to talk to someone, they should NOT ignore the person's attempt. Something to the effect of "I'm not up for chatting right now" is sufficient. Or, "I can't deal with my stuff right now" is fine.

To consistently ignore someone who is trying to help or be nice is hurtful to the other person. On the other side, if someone is constantly trying to get you to talk about something you clearly don't want to, that is rude as well.

Just because you hurt doesn't mean you have a right to hurt when the other person did nothing wrong.

To the OP: I'm the one who wondered if your friend thought you might have had something to do with the breakup--but it doesn't mean I thought you did. I'm just wondering if she misconstrued something or something. More than likely, she's just being not nice right now and you have a right to feel as you do---she's obviously up to talking to other people.

But like I said, sometimes we back away from or are most hurtful to those we care about the most. Sad but true. How many of us do that with our loved ones, but wouldn't dream of doing it with someone else?

I would just leave her be and not put too much energy into it. I know it hurts---been there, done that---but people are just weird sometimes and it has nothing to do with us.

I understand what you're feeling. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Dear Meri,

I don't think it's YOU. It's something with HER. Yes, she is still talking to other people on Facebook....but she's probably not as close to them emotionally as she is to you. For some reason, she doesn't want you to be a part of her misery. I don't know what's in her head, but she's not the same person you have known and loved for so long. Not now, anyway. Maybe she'll get her life together and then come back to you. I actually have been more heartbroken by the breakup of best friends than I have by the breakup with a husband or boyfriend. That's how deep a friendship can be. Can you try to put her out of your mind and focus on the good people who are still in your life? I'm glad you un-friended her and her hubby. Now you won't be tempted to IM her or see what she's writing to others. It's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself right now.

lost friend - Meri

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think it was immature me unfriending her from facebook. Believe me I thought long and hard about it. But when I did, it was only after I noticed she was on line and I just sent a cheery note like Hey How are you? How you been? type of thing. In 5 minutes, she signed off and didn't even bother replying. Even saying I'm sorry I just can't talk right now. I don't need friends like that in my life right now. I have friends who are the best and check in with me (I'm 60 and alone and not always in the best of health), taking me shopping (don't drive anymore), just stop by and chat, etc, etc. I wanted to just cheer her up or say something funny to get her to laugh or something. SHe didn't even acknowledge my Christmas and new Year's message to her which was very simple, no mention of the problems she's going through.

I've done my own pity parties in the past and believe me, I've come to realize that it turns people off so I try to keep a stiff upper lip. Also, I don't just leave one state, go halfway across the country with NO job prospects and then start belly aching about how desparate I am and how hard it is to find a job. I'm sorry she's having a hard time, I'm sorry she found out whatever about her husband (don't know, neither will say) but I had nothing to do with it, didn't even know there was a problem. So, if she wants to contact me, she can but I will wait on her. My life is too full right now to deal with rejection or whatever it is.

You're moving on in a healthy way, Meri - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It's great that you can appreciate all the other really good friends who love you, Meri. It's normal to grieve the loss (even if temporary) of a close friend. To me, it's not just the loss of a friend, but loss of the friendSHIP. Does that make sense?

I found this post about losing a friendship on Psych Central's blog.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/01/09/surviving-a-friendship-break-up/

Living Healthy Emotionally - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
Meri did nothing wrong by "unfriending." She was not rude, did not say anything mean to her friend. She just doesn't need a flibberty-jibbit in her life right now.

I know all about flibberty-jibbit friends (now you see them, now you don't), and I am more careful now about investing myself emotionally before allowing myself to get close.

This goes ditto for sharing personal information until you know someone really, really well. Some people come across as the most caring, wonderful person, then go and blab your "stuff" to everyone.

another My Story - sereneone

[ In Reply To ..]
I had a friend like that. It started out with us going out together to clubs, doing things with our kids together, just being friends. Then she met a guy and we backed off a bit. I met one too during that time. She broke up with hers. I married mine. We'd double date with her and new boyfriends and still go out with her and do things with her and her daughter. Then she got married and had a baby. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. Was there for her. After several years, she decided to just pick up and leave her husband. She had a very good reason and made a good choice and I don't blame her for disappearing. But, she just picked up and left and I ended up having to call 1 of her sisters to find out what happened after not being able to reach her for about 5 weeks. We were only talking every couple of weeks by that time.

She eventually ended up back with her husband after he made some lifestyle changes and they moved to a small town in a different state. We'd talk about once a month or so. She got hurt at work and had to have some major surgery and was out for a while. We'd talk at least once a week while she was out. Finally went back to work and we were back to about once a month or so.

Then, she dropped off grid again. Had to call her family again. She had tried to commit suicide and had been hospitalized for a while. Once she was home, I called her (it had been her calling me mostly before because she didn't have a set work schedule and I'd never know when she was off) every couple of days for weeks, then once a week for a while, then eventually back to our once a month or so as she got better and went back to normal activities. We'd talk more often when things weren't going well for her.

Then, it was my turn to have a major problem and I do mean a big problem. She encouraged me to face my issue and do what I knew I was going to have to do and told me she'd call me the next day to see how things went and to talk. Mind you, I'd never had any real problems the entire 15+ years we'd been friends and this was my worst and lowest point in life up until that time. I'd always been her sounding board and support. It was almost 3 weeks before she got around to calling me back. Yes, I guess I could have called her but as more time went by that she didn't call the more I felt betrayed. She knew how devastating my issue was because it was basically the same thing she attempted suicide over and by not calling I felt she really didn't care.

After that, I really didn't want to talk to her. I had enough problems of my own to deal with and didn't need to listen to somebody else's when it was obvious they didn't have time for or care to hear mine. So, I'd either not answer when she called or answer and tell her I was super busy and I'd call her back, which I never would. I pretty much ignored her and hoped she'd get the hint but she wasn't that type of person and really started pushing. Things ended up getting nasty.

Reason I wrote this is that apparently some people don't realize how badly they can hurt somebody by careless or selfish actions. Doesn't sound like the OP did but if somebody is hurting it doesn't take much to make them hurt even more.

Lost a friend - Jen Hinds

[ In Reply To ..]
The same thing happened with my best friend. I talked with her about 3 months ago and she told me she's addicted to prescription painkillers :(

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