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Grandchild's birthday dilema

Posted: Feb 16, 2010

My son and DIL want to have my their son's third B-day party at my home this year. This is the first time that I have my g-baby in town (they are a military family) for his birthday and I am going all out. My daughter is coming in to town too, so it's doubly sweet for me as both my son and daughter hardly ever are able to visit at the same time. I'm so excited, BUT...

my very estranged ex also lives in my town. He is a pot head, big drinker, crude, rude, confrontational and never, ever, ever has there been a time that we have had to come together that he has not made some sort of a scene or problem. (college graduations, weddings, funerals...) AND, of course never contributed financially (never paid child support or anything. NEVER!)

My feeling is, MY HOME, MY RULES. My son and DIL are fine with that, but my daughter thinks it would hurt his feelings and I should allow him to come. I suggested that since the plans are for a long weekend, they can make other arrangements to visit with him. It's caused a bit of friction between daughter and I.

I flat out don't want him in my home. He still refers to me as "his wife", has done so even to my current husband, always talks to be about "remember when we, and I still love you, I can't believe we aren't still married, you look so good, blah blah blah..." and my kids have been witness to this and understand why I don't even casually speak to him, for anything. We've been divorced for 17 years! I don't have to accommodate him and don't want him here.

Situations like this always make me feel guilty, just like when my kids were little, but they are NOT little anymore and I think it's high time that he get a life of his own and stop living in the past and through me. Right?!

;

Get over the guilt ! - jj

[ In Reply To ..]

There is no reason to feel guilty - don't let anyone manipulate your feelings - only you are responsible for them. I have a parent (in her 70s) who tries constantly to place guilt trips on myself and siblings and learned a long time ago not to even engage in the manipulation. Of course, the parent still tries, will never change, so we just let it roll off our backs, which is what you need to do. You are absolutely right in everything else you said - no one can "make" you feel guilty but yourself. Good luck.

You are right, emtec - daughter doesnt get a say

[ In Reply To ..]

"I love you, darling daughter, but you have no say in this. This is how it is."

Guess who will get the blame if you let him over and he ruins the day for everyone?

I would also take the precaution of not letting him know there is a party going on. People who might let the cat out of the bag should be instructed very directly... he is not to know about this.

Have fun and enjoy your family!

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