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Do you think merged or separate finances makes a

Posted: Jun 28, 2013

I was married for 16 years and we had a joint checking account. It did not work. I have been single for a long time, but may have a chance to try marriage again. My mom always told me separate checking accounts made for a strong marriage. I see that in my older sister. I'm so independent now that I want some money, but with the way things are in the MT world, I'm always just a bad check away from disaster. I am beginning to think it would be nice to just make the money and let him handle it, giving me some mad money and a shopping account (clothes and groceries), doing whatever he wants with the rest.

I'd like to hear what you think works and doesn't work.

;

One Pot - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
We have one pot here. I feel if you can't trust the other person enough to share an account, then you don't have a marriage.

At our house, anything over $200 gets discussed, unless it's a total necessity (car needs new brakes, house repair, etc.)

I'm perfectly happy just letting my husband take care of the finances. He goes to the bank once a week and hands me money. If for some reason I need more, I'll pick his pockets or go to the bank myself.

We do not argue over money because we are of like mind and what's his is mine, and what's mine is his. When you start a "this is mine, that is yours" mentality, you divide yourselves. It's immature, to say the least.

We are also of like mind in that neither of us is a spendthrift. We both agree that we want to retire at a certain age, so paying $10,000 for a new piece of furniture is out of the question. That $10,000 can be invested.

We put everything on the credit card, for the most part, and if we don't have the money in the checking account to pay off the credit card, then we spent too much money. We do not spend more than we make and we pay off our bills every single month.

Power Plays - JT

[ In Reply To ..]
People can get into power plays with money. If that's happening, then in my brain, it's a totally immature marriage.

We have some friends (a married couple)who have separate accounts and pay separate bills. She pays for the water and electricity, he pays for the phone and other things, etc. It's "his" laptop, "her" stereo, "his" this,"her that.

If that's your mindset, then get a roommate and just share expenses. It is not a union when things are so incredibly divided.

I see your points, but - strong marriage

[ In Reply To ..]
I also saw my parents modeling separate checking accounts and it worked well for them. For example, my dad paid all the living expenses (house, utilities, insurance, cars, medications, food, etc.) while my mom bought everything for us kids (music lessons, school supplies, clothes, home decorating, etc.). If my dad wanted something, he saved for it. If my mom needed extra, she asked, although they did argue about that from time to time.

Totally separate and works well for us - Missy

[ In Reply To ..]
Husband pays the mortage, cars and I pay the household bills. On really big bills, such as we pay car insurance, home insurance once a year and we divide equally. We also half really high bills, anything over $1,000.00. We have each other on banking accts if the other died so would have access to the money but we do not write on each others accounts. I pay for things I want, he does the same and 13 years and counting and works out extremely well for us.

I do not see the reasoning - Behind it, unless...

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't see the reasoning behind separate accounts unless one of the people is a bad spendthrift--you know, will wipe the account out because he or she has a money-spending problem.

I suppose some people have a "thing" about "being independent," and somehow having their own account makes them feel better. Those type of people probably shouldn't join into a marriage, which is a union.

Does not amount to a hill of beans really whether - together or separate

[ In Reply To ..]
whatever works for people. I don't feel any better because we have separate but one thing, I never rely on any person other than myself to support me. I would hate to think I ever had to go to someone and "ask" for money that I wanted and I think with combined incomes it would come down to that.

Joint - Me

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband and I have a joint account. Both our checks are direct deposited and he pays all the bills. I can spend whatever I want, whenever I want. I don't need to ask, neither does he. But we don't spend much, we have plans to retire when I'm 50 (less than two years!) so it works for us.

Having separate accounts just sounds like too much work to me.

My opinion, if you don't trust someone with your money, why in the world would you marry them?

What we do - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
We have 1 joint account that we both contribute to..it's for all our joint expenses...ultilities, rent, insurance, food, etc.

We each then have our own separate accounts for the monies that are left after contributing to the joint account.

More importantly, though, we sit down together once a week and go through the bills and other financial matters.

I think being connected as a couple to your money and being on the same financial page makes for a strong marriage, not the account set-up itself.

I just wrote something similar below. : ) - Friends of mine. sm

[ In Reply To ..]
sm

Oops. That "sm" should have been "nm." - Friends of mine. (I need more coffee.)

[ In Reply To ..]
nm.

Thank you! - We must be old fashioned

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband and I both know that the other one isn't going to break the bank, so what's the deal with separate?

We, too, have in mind a retirement age and we both want to do it. Neither one of us wants the other to be working when we're in our 70s, that's for sure! We have a date of retirement of age 62 and have been working towards that for 35 years now. I would feel terrible if my husband had to work into his 70s because I spent too much of our money. And he wouldn't do that to me, either.

If you think your spouse is going to steal and hide money from the account or has a big problem with spending, then you are in for trouble. Personally, I wouldn't marry someone I couldn't trust. These things should all be discussed before you get married.

Nothing wrong with working into your 70s - know for a fact and here is why

[ In Reply To ..]
Hit the big 70 this year and work part-time now, not full as in the past but I have always loved making money about as much as I love spending. I waited and drew full retirement, have retirement money coming in from a previous job where I worked and make about $2,000 per month with my job. All total it is very sweet and able to spend now without counting pennies.

Some people want to retire - And enjoy life with their loved one-nm

[ In Reply To ..]
xxx

Either way, retire and sit around or maybe - have money to travel and do

[ In Reply To ..]
things you want to do and you can still enjoy life with loved ones if you are not working 24/7- I only work 24 hours a week so have plenty of time for other things and working as IC can take time off when I like now.

Combo. - Friends of mine.

[ In Reply To ..]
Friends of mine have separate accounts plus 1 joint household checking account they add an agreed-upon amount to. I don't know if it is a percentage of their paycheck or a set $$ amount. This seems to work for them. They do help each other financially if needed and are not keep-your-hands-off-MY-money types. This was the wife's idea as her first husband wiped out their joint bank accounts when he realized she was about to file for divorce.

We have never had separate accounts - and have been married for 25 years.

[ In Reply To ..]
The separate accounts just wouldn't work for us. I don't really agree with it. I believe when you get married, you are one and a union. Complete trust and togetherness. I think if someone has separate accounts, it would be a bit easy to have "secrets" or do things you don't want your spouse knowing, unless you have access to the account, then it would be harder to have a "secret life."

Maybe it just has to depend on you and what works best for you and your spouse.

We are just pretty old fashioned; we spend the same, have the same goals, so it has never been an issue for us. I have never been married before nor has my husband; it has just always been this way for us to have 1 account and it works great for us.

I think it can go either way--sm - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
For some it is a trust issue and for some it is just a management issue. Yes, no matter what account structure, big items should be discussed but beyond that, whatever floats your boat. I am not a fan of just give me some $$$ and do whatever you want with the rest but that is a personal opinion. We have a joint account and when things are getting close, it can be difficult (and expensive) if one or the other is not aware of what the other is doing. That can sometimes be a communication issue. Joint or separate accounts do not make a strong marriage, the people in it do.

It has not worked for me but it has worked for him...sm - Broke

[ In Reply To ..]
Separate finances have not worked for me. I have been married for 19 years this August. I do not spend wildly. I barely have clothes and very little from him every week for groceries for a family of 5, $100 per week to be exact. I gave birth to three children in three years so had a newborn, 1-year-old, and 2-year-old. When I was holding my newborn with a 1-year-old and 2-year-old at my feet, he said to me one day, I have made a decision. I said what's your decision? He said from this point forward, you're on your own. You want clothes, get off your fat, f***ing a*s and get a job. You want a nice car, get off your fat, f***ing, a** and get a job. With three babies all under the age of 3 and daycare expenses through the roof, needless to say, I am destroyed financially. The children are now almost grown, with two at 18 and 19. I will never be able to recuperate financially. I will never have good credit again. I do not spend money like a crazy woman and never have. He is bipolar and a control freak and that's what it was all about. He, however, has an outstanding credit score of about 800. Good for him, huh?

That has nothing to do with finances - It has to do with...

[ In Reply To ..]
You married a nasty guy and had 3 kids with him. Don't blame separate or joint accounts on that mess.

Separate or joint - Cannot make strong or weak,but...

[ In Reply To ..]
I think separate accounts is a symptom of something else. It seems very odd to me to feel the need to have separate accounts in what is supposed to be a trusting union. Somebody doesn't trust somebody if there are separate accounts.

That being said, having separate or joint doesn't make a marriage stronger or weaker.

I don't think that is necessary true - strong marriage

[ In Reply To ..]
I think people do what they work out. Kind like saying tomato and tamata. I just don't agree with the blanket statement that separate accounts is a symptom of something else. It may seem odd to you, but perhaps joint accounts seem odd to others (you did read about my parents who were married 40 years having separate accounts?)

What does he want to do? - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Just curious, really. Where does he stand on this?

we are getting close to the talking stage which is why I asked - strong marriage

[ In Reply To ..]
We haven't talked directly about it, but are reaching the point where that is something we will be doing. When I was married and we had a joint account, that did not work (for that particular marriage). I had a husband who refused to communicate. He always let me handle things, which worked fine until late in the marriage he decided he wanted all the money in the account we both made deposits to. When he started bouncing checks, I opened my own account, closed the joint account and gave him the amount of his last deposit...then the name of my divorce lawyer. This was after a year of trying to get him to talk about it and back in the days where people actually got arrested for bouncing checks. That husband was not good with money management. This new guy is very good with it, much better than I have become with it in late years, but I have been on my own for so long, it scares me to hand things over (trying to figure out what rules I would want to talk to him about). On the other hand, it would be a relief to let someone else handle the majority of it after we work out what we both want. His ex does not work and he is supporting both homes (kids involved), so that throws a whole other set of issues to consider into the mix (ex, how to set it up so that she does not think that what is mine is hers).

The key point in your answer - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
If I may quote you directly "I had a husband who refused to communicate."

What really makes a marriage strong is communication. Whether you go with 1 joint account, separate accounts, or a mix of the 2 (my personal fav,lol), you 2 will still need to communicate. Make a point to go over your fiances Together at least once a month. My husband and I have a weekly chat, but I know that's not necessarily possible for everyone. Please don't just let 1 person handle all the finances. You both need to be involved, not only from a practical aspect, but it will make you feel like a more cohesive unit.

do not do it. - I was married for

[ In Reply To ..]
six years to my "best friend" of 20 years. Everything was co-mingled. He came into marriage with nothing but the shirt on his back and a half dead dog. Everything in the home was mine, earned and paid for by hard work and saving. He did not even want to work at first because he said he was "eligible" to receive $1000 a month in disability. There was nothing physically wrong with him, so I insisted he get a job and help out with the added expenses. His adopted son lived with us, as well, 18 and no job, never finished school, etc. Well, after six years, he decided to find someone else who would put up with his constant trips to the doctor and feigned illnesses, and left me. Because all of our/MY belongings were mostly in his name (house, three cars, etc.) HE ended up with most everything. Whose name is on the paperwork absolutely makes a difference! I will never, and I repeat NEVER, co-mingle anything if I ever consider marriage again! I had to fight for and refinance a vehicle that had been purchased for myself in that marriage, while he had the other two, as well as the proceeds from selling the house, and anything and everything that was worth any money as far as belongings went...i.e. large TV, surround sound system, video cams, two cell phones, most of the furniture, etc. It really irked me that his new girlfriend got to sit her a$$ on my newly purchased dining room set, while I had nothing...and HE was the one who did wrong...not me. I never cheated on HIM. anyway, the lesson is... do not co-mingle anything. The marriage, as strong as it may seem in the beginning, may not last like you hope. nothing is forever in this world, most especially marriage. Some people can put on a good "act" until they are secure in getting what they want, and then things suddenly change. So... with all of that being said, IF I ever marry again...I will have separate bank accounts and separate everything else. Separate vehicles...very nearly separate homes, but believe me, if there is a home...it will be in BOTH names, or just mine. I will also have a pre nuptial agreement stating that if the marriage should ever dissolve, what he came into the marriage with is his, and what I came into the marriage with is mine, and he has no legal rights to MY belongings. Nobody is ever going to stiff me again....not like that!

these are just my experiences. take from it what you will. not every marriage is a happy one and not every divorce ends with the wife getting everything. Good luck to you.

Like was said before - Not a joint or separate account issue

[ In Reply To ..]
You married the wrong person. You knew this guy for 20 years, knew he was a bum who didn't want to work, knew he had nothing.

This had NOTHING to do with a separate or joint account making or breaking a marriage. Your marriage broke because you picked a bum. An account cannot make or break a marriage---it's the people in the marriage that make or break it.

People walk themselves right into the situation, then play victim.

On a side note, if everything was paid for by you - How in the world was his name the only name on the

[ In Reply To ..]
and why, when every state in the country, is a community property state, were you not able to prove what YOU came into the relationship with in terms of material possessions and what HE came into the relationship with. If any of that "stuff" was yours before you got married, he shouldn't have been able to lay claim to it and his name certainly should not have been the only one on it if you were the one paying the majority of the bills.

I'm sorry for your situation, but like the other poster said, that has nothing to do with joint bank accounts, but bad choices on your part.

People pick bad people - Then take no responsibility

[ In Reply To ..]
I am amazed that soooo many people pick bad people, then wonder why this happened to them. OR (just as bad) pick someone they don't take the time to get to know, then don't get it when somethning goes wrong. Like, helllooo--you only knew this person for 3 months before you married/moved in with him or her.

Back in the good old days, we actually got to know eachother. We discussed things. We didn't hop into the sack on a whim. We spent over a year in all different situations getting to know the person before we even thought about spending a lifetime together. Anybody can fake wonderful for a couple of months. It's the long-haul that counts.

Oh, I know. So true isn't it... - Perfect Princess II

[ In Reply To ..]
like the woman who wears too much makeup or a skirt or dress too short and then gets the ever-loving crap raped out of her. Hey, she should have known. She should have seen it coming. But naturally, she won't take any responsibility.

Are you being sarcastic? - see msg pls

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't see the same as the two. Men who rape sure don't need a woman in a short skirt and too much make-up.

However, women who know a man is a bum, then marry him anyway, have no right to cry.

Don't you think at all that in this world since the beginning of time... - Perfect Princess II

[ In Reply To ..]
That there have been men who have gotten together with women who have been splendid throughout their dating relationship and even years into their marriage with or without children that suddenly turn and become monsters? Do you really think that your world is so perfect that nothing could ever touch you? The woman who goes out with too much makeup on or a skirt too short is NOT expecting to be raped no more than any woman getting married and raising children expects to be abused in any way. There are SOME situations in this world since the beginning of time where the unexpected happens. Do you consider yourself so prissy perfect that nothing bad or unexpected could ever happen to you? Good luck to your a*s because you'll be the first one crying in your soup. That's the way it always is with prissy princesses!

Of course unexpected things happen - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I am just saying that if someone knows someone is a bum, or doesn't spend time trying to find out, then what do they expect?

I don't know what happened to you. I'm just saying that we can eliminate a lot of problems in our lives by choosing people wisely. The one woman knew this guy for 20 years, knew he was a bum and now is crying and is blaming the way their bank accounts were set up? Something is wrong with that picture.

The people make a strong marriage - Not the accounts-nm

[ In Reply To ..]
xxxx

I like this answer the best. :) - Bravo (nm)

[ In Reply To ..]
.

Cake, and eat it, too. - Marie A.

[ In Reply To ..]
I came into this marriage with him insisting on a pre-nup. That was 21 years ago. Since then, he has told me no or poo-pooed things I wanted, while denying himself nothing and spending his distributions on exactly what he wanted to, to the point that I developed a go-to-hell account. My last job, any overtime I worked went there. The main paycheck went into the joint account, but I had some cash. At this point, I am working the equivalent of two full-time jobs. My main paycheck or at least 90% of it - goes into our joint account. My second job and the other 10% go into the gth account. I was a unicorn-farting-rainbows type when I got married. Now, not s'much. :) I can pull the whole thing when I need to, and have had to at different times over the years. He doesn't say much.

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