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ANOTHER MAN STORY

Posted: Apr 6, 2011

I think the radiation in the air is infecting our men. MY DH left himself logged onto facebook and this morning when I came in to work (our computers are both in the office) I noticed the light on, clicked the mouse to shut it down and noticed his facebook. Curiosity got the better of me and I was just looking around at his wall posts, all innocent silly talk with old friends and co workers. THEN I decided to read his messages...

He's having this ongoing dialogue with an old girlfriend and it's all about "remember when" stuff! She's married, in another state, has kids. He says he's been married, but has always wondered how his life would be if he had married her and she says the same... In her pictures she's not attractive and looks like a slob! They say they miss each other, they always think about what if, they always think about each other, they're parents always ask about.... W T H...

I never had an a clue, inkling, hint that we're not happy! he DOTES on me! He is loving and touchy and kissy, a bring home wine and flowers just because and holds my hand in public kind of guy. I'm happy! We have good teenage kids who are no trouble, do well in school. He has a good job, good enough that I am able to work part time only. I swear when he walks in the door tonight... I've already copied all the messages so he can't erase them.

What I really want to do is send her a message from his FB and give her a BIG piece of my mind! I don't even know what I'm going to say or how I'm going to say anything to him. He picks up the kids from school so they all come home together. Maybe I'll drive up to his office. I think I know how the ladies below feel now, but I've been divorced before because of an unfaithful man and WILL NOT tolerate it, physically or emotionally.

Someone better say a prayer of protection for this man...

;

re: Ginger Cat - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Why don't you poke around in her friends and see if her husband is listed and send him the messages!

I was divorced before also and that changed the woman that I am today. I practically threatened by husband that if he ever messed around on me, I was taking EVERYONE involved "down" with me!

Your man better watch out! You sound MAD!

Why are you blaming the other woman? - Huh?

[ In Reply To ..]
She made no vows to you. The only person that deserves a piece of your mind is your husband, as he is the one who vowed to be faithful to you.

re: HUH - understand the anger

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They are EQUALLY to blame. She already said that HE is going to get his comeuppance! I'd do like the other poster says, take em all down! I say go for it, send her a message! Why shouldn't her husband be made aware? Wouldn't YOU want to know if the shoe was on your foot?

Married people without boundaries or regard for vows... I am sorry this is rampant.

Blaming the other woman - Silly Girl

[ In Reply To ..]
Sorry - but they are equally to blame. In my instance - my soon-to-be ex asked me to please leave the girl out of it because i'm dragging her to court in the divorce as well. He told me that he pursued her, not the other way around. My reply?? - "she knew you were married and still dropped her pants for you" so yeah - she doesn't get off scott-free!!!

re: Other woman - iHOP

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I just want to let some of you know that there is a term called alienation of affection. Now, even though there were laws once upon a time that allowed suit to be brought against the "other" person involved, many states have abolished them now. BUT... a good divorce lawyer can and will get a civil settlement from the other party if proved that they willingly participated in a mutually lasvicious relationship.

If the "affair" destroyed the marriage and one party was left in a financial bind, one or both parties can be held financially responsible.

I know this for a FACT. My daddy got me a great lawyer and both my ex and his lady friend had to pony up. (not forever, until I was financially stable).

See what your lawyer has to say about that Silly Girl. (I believe some states still have that law standing)

You have NEVER wondered how your life - sm - ITKMT

[ In Reply To ..]
had you married an old boyfried? While it was wrong of him to message her and say just that and he misses her etc, it was not wrong of him to think it....the problem lies if he acts on his "what if" musings. I have wondered how things might have been different if I'd married someone else, or gone for a different degree in school , etc. I am on FB with a few old boyfriends, I make a point though of never messaging them, never chatting if they are in chat, never doing the "remember when" crap, or any of that, just causes trouble and I have no desire to start anything up with any of them, let alone an on-line affair. ---But as it is always easier to blame the "other woman", it takes two. As you said you believe(d) you have a good marriage, and it sounds like you do, I highly doubt he was doing anything more than some reminising and a mid-life crisis sort of thing; but would never act on his musings or jeopardize his marriage. From how you describe him he is happy, and it is only human to wonder. Obviously it should be nipped in the bud though and he needs to realize this is how affairs start and stop contacting her. Good luck.

re: ITKMT - GC

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Uh, NO. I don't look back. I look to the future. How sad for you and anyone else to be "muse" on what it would be like "if"... That's done, you can't get it back, that why it's called a PAST.

You're friends with old BF??? How does your spouse feel about that? You make it a point not to do what my DH did though, so you say. Well mine went full on jumped off a cliff as far as I'm concerned and I am mad and I am going to deal with him.

I blame BOTH, okay, BOTH. not just her and I wll confront them BOTH. That's just how I am. I don't care if anyone thinks its right or wrong. You make it sound like she's a sweet little innocent helpless thing who was having a chit chat! Please... Until you have to deal with this, well, you know what...

Good, and no neither of them are innocent, they both -sm - INTMT

[ In Reply To ..]
did wrong and crossed the line, period. My DH knows the 2 are on my FB account. He knows I have no interest in any rekindling, especially since I broke up with both guys. One was my first BF from when I was 14 (I am 45 now) and the second was my first long-term BF (college), he and I send sporadic messages on the message page and the rare times we email (once a year if that)I always address it to him and his wife, and never ever get personal. I have met his wife, had dinner with them both several years ago when we both were in the same state at the time (yes my DH knew but was unable to come, and I took my kids too). I know the dangers of the internet and how it can destroy a marriage so I make sure I never ever fall into that trap. I have only been approached inappropriately twice and nipped both in the budd, a lot of sleazy people out there in cyberspace.

As for "what if", no I do not dwell on the past and waste time wondering or pining about what might have been. My point is though usually at some point everyone has that thought be it once in their life and toss it away, and there are those that dwell on it and be convinced the grass is greener elsewhere (hence the cheaters of the world). I agree it is sad for those who dwell and muse all the time. You cannot change your past, only figure out what you want in your life now and plan for the future. I guess you will be telling your DH was a sad sap he is for ever wondering about it....even if he had not been a dope and put it all in writing to his old flame. You do what you gotta do and I hope it goes well for you

re: sm - minuet

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If my husband ever asked me to come to dinner to meet his "old college girlfriend" I'd clobber him! Wonder how your ex's wife felt about that meeting...

I am pretty sure it bugged her some as our - sm - ITKMT

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emails (letters before that) have become less over the years and since then, which is fine. He has his life with her and a set of twins on the west coast and I have mine with my DH and 2 kids on the east. I could have met my DHs ex-wife but passed on going to his ex-MILs funeral though I knew her too just not as well (we would go visit her now and then as she loved my DH very much and she lived close to us then). He went to her funeral as he had been close to her during and after his marriage and his ex called and asked that he attend (she is re-married as well). I was totally fine with it. That sort of stuff does not bother me in the least and I trust him 100% as well (he also knows if he ever cheats our marriage is over). Obviously if he was emailing stupid notes to an old GF saying how much he missed her, etc., then I would not be too happy. Doubtful I will ever have that issue as he hates email and FB and the internet in general, uses it only to listen to NPR and Coast to Coast radio. But if something ever does come up I will deal with it then.

re: ITKMT - jaz

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you are pretty sure it bugged her, so you went anyway? To show off? I don't know why you'd go if you knew it would bother her. I would have told my DH NO way dude. We are NOT going to lunch with the ex. What in the world you you two have possibly had to talk about except him? :/

Jeez, no afterwards, I had no clue beforehand - sm - ITKMT

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that she was bothered, how would I know that? I still don't know it bothered her, I presume it bugged her as he was less communicative after we all had dinner together. I never asked him though, thought it best left alone, figured if she is that insecure about her relationship with him then whatever, not my problem. They weren't married yet then (not that that is really relevant) but were living together after they'd moved back to Philly from the CA. I surmise he made an error in judgement and had failed to mention to her how much we resembled one another (I did not know either until I got there), and believe that is what upset her.(unless it was the fact I still looked pretty good after 2 kids and was 10 years older than her, though not nowadays, LOL). We (he and I) were much closer then, good friends, and kept in touch every few months via letters as he moved about a bit. He also liked me to meet his serious girlfriends (one I friends with, whom he married), and the GF before his current wife. I am of a very laid back temperament and really don't get all flipped out over jealously, when I was younger it plagued me but I don't waste my time on it these days. I also have a good solid marriage, with trust, and don't worry about my DH cheating (he has plenty of opps of if choses as he travels about once a month) and he knows I never will as well.

As for what we talked about, hmmm, after we ate the kids watched Pee Wee Herman as he had the shows on tape, talked about CA and how it compared to rural PA, his family in PA, her mom in CA, his old car he had driven back from CA that I had never seen, their plans for the house (huge old thing, 3 floors) and their plans for modernizing it, their work, what I was doing, the kids, my DH, etc. I didn't got back in time and discuss stuff she had no idea of and I am sure did not want to hear anyway. THEY invited me, I did not plop myself on their doorstep uninvited. She was very nice and friendly during the visit. I did not hug or kiss anyone (not something I normally do). I saw no problem in going, neither did my DH. I guess I should thank my lucky stars I have such a wonderful DH who can handle his wife going to dinner at the house of an old friend, with my kids and his GF in attendance, that I only got to see about once every 5 years for a few hours. He is back out in CA now as she wanted to be back with her mom so as I said we do the rare FB message or note on page but never anything inappropriate and that anyone couldn't read. Not everyone is out to ruin others marriages or relationships.

I would never put a married person in a position that could hurt their marriage - Marriage is sacred

[ In Reply To ..]
I believe people should stay out of other peoples' marriages. Period. We don't know and shouldn't know what is going on inside other marriages. We don't know what seemingly innocent little thing may hurt someone. A marriage is between two people and others should stay out of it.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
old boyfriends on FB. I am friends with several and it has been interesting to see what has happened in their lives. My SO of 11 years doesn't mind at all. Everyone has a past life.

I have often thought what if so-and-so and I have stayed together (first of all, would not have married the ex), but then again I wouldn't be with the wonderful man I am with now or have the childen I have (from the marriage). Still, it never hurts to wonder what might have been -- as the song says.

re: sm - not in your corner

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Do you often share that wonder in secret conversations with your old lovers? How do you think your husband would react if that was the case?

Your post insinuates harmless interaction between yourself and your former lovers. The OP's clearly crossed that line. When you start to share mutual intimate "what if you and I" conversations with a former lover AND keep it a secret, your intent is no longer innocent.

I do know that there are people that can maintain friendships long after the flame has been extinguished, but it sounds like those two are stoking the fires and there is nothing HARMLESS in that.

"Wonder" about what if, sure go right ahead, but keep it to yourself, in your brain, don't put it on facebook for gosh sakes! and never say it out loud to your SO or spouse.

re: corner - AGREE 100%

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This is clearly a crossing the line situation. I come from a long line of "when it's over, it's over" people. We don't look back.

re: Agree - I ALSO AGREE

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I also agree. I don't believe there are any legitimate reasons to maintain a relationship with a former lover (unless there is a child). It could create problems. case in point the OP's post!

I do believe a tiny chat in a chance encounter is acceptable, but that's about it. No exchanging numbers, no "let's do lunch", none of that.

Leave the past in the past and appreciate that it shaped you into the person you are. Don't go dredging up the "what ifs". To me that means you're unhappy in your current situation and that is sad for your partner.

RE: AGREE - not a fan of FB

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I tried FB because it was a fun (lots of ganes) and quick way to chat with my kids (both in college in different states). I'm not too social network savvy and at first was "friending" everyone. I got in contact with a lot of old HS and college buddies and in that lot also came the old BFs.

Well my ery first "serious" BF contacted me and he turned into an internet stalker! I didn't know about privacy settings and he got my e-mail, my cell number and somehow even my address and home number! He would post things like comments on my pictures "man I can't believe we used to ****? Why did you walk out on me? What went wrong? I should be the father of your kids"... for all the world to see! Now mind you I didn't check my account minute by minute and often it was my kids who brought the inappropriate stuff to my attention, and much to my embarrassment. He also started a FB war with my son (who wanted to defend his momma of course, and a very inappropriate dialogue with my daughter who he said looked just like me when he and I were dating)

I "blocked" him, printed out and then erased the comments, and then the cell phone and snail mail stalking started. I even got a local call from him a couple of times, meaning he actually came to my town! Said I had a nice house... S-C-A-R-Y! I had to file a police report and eventually hire a lawyer to have it all stopped. We actually went to court and he was given probation for felony stalking.

Months into it HIS WIFE contacted me and apparently he told her that I LED HIM ON! I felt like sending her copies of all his inappropriate FB conversations to show her, but figured it was best to leave that poor soul to contend with her grade A bung-hole hubby on her own. She was not in court, bet he didn't tell her about it.

Moral of my story: FB= nothing but trouble. IMHO...

Wow, I only have one ex I never want to hear from - sm - ECMT

[ In Reply To ..]
and have my privacy settings at the max, you cannot even search for me. Only friends of friends can "friend" me and I don't friend anyone I do not know. Only friends can see my page too. I don't even have my real birthdate listed though you can hide that, no address or phone number. ---I doubt my psycho ex would be on FB but you never know...I disappeared from his radar 16 years ago and want to keep it that way.

You said it correctly, "This is how affairs start!" - Exactly

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This is how affairs start. People don't usually get into friendships thinking they are going to take it to a relationship and into an affair.

GC - Please take my advice - sm

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Don't go to your husband's office. This is a private matter - keep it at home, private.

Don't talk about it in front of your children - it is between you and your husband.

When they all come home, tell him you need to talk with him in private. Ask the kids to go outside or to a friend's house. You don't want them in the same house while you discuss this.

First, just tell him what you've seen. Tell him without ripping his head off or seething at him. Tell him matter of factly what happened.

Then, tell him whether he feels it is innocent or not, it has hurt you and makes you feel suspicious of him and you don't want that feeling. It threatens you and it threatens your marriage.

THEN, ask him directly, "Would you please delete your FB page and all other social media completely and immediately for our sake?"

His answer will be either yes or no and it should be done immediately while you are both watching.

Make an agreement that you will both take a break from social media for at least a year and do more things together for a year, including talking, regular dates, etc.

Make an agreement that IF after that year either of you want to get back on the online/social media circuit, you will only do it together as a couple. Set boundaries. View together. Talk with friends together, etc.

If your husband balks or refuses to take his FB/other pages down, I would say his decision has trumped the respect you had expected from him. Personally, I would ask him at that point to agree to marriage counseling and go from there.

I hope this helps you.

I like your advice better than my own that I just posted - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

I agree with a poster below......... - sm

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Before you even talk to him, dig around on her facebook and find her husband's page. Forward all of the emails to HER husband, I mean since you were able to see them, then HE should as well. Then, ask you husband to DELETE his page, because his type of communication is making you uncomfortable. I have a facebook as well and if my husband asked me to delete it for ANY reason, I wouldn't hesitate to do so.

and yet another reason why I dislike facebook - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
-

Why blame FB? Blame the user! - FBfan

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I have a FB account and my DH knows my user name and password and can look at my page and friends any time he wants. I have nothing to hide! It's hard to have face-to-face friends when they live in different cities and states and even countries! I can't just stop by my cousin in CA to say Hi. Really?

If it isn't FB or Myspace or email, it's always something being blamed for affairs. Stop blaming media and start blaming the people having the affairs! My DH and I can see each other's phones, FB, etc at any time and it's never been a problem for us. As Dr. Phil says, if you have nothing to hide then hide nothing!

That said, my DH and I have friendships with our exes and opposite sex friends too and we are both secure enough in our relationship that we don't get jealous if one of us talks to him/her. My DH's ex actually set us up! And we also have an agreement: If you can't say or do it in front of me, then don't say or do it at all! Same rules for both. And if anything over FB or texting was inappropriate, we show each other and deal with it. I have cut off ties with old friends b/c they crossed the line. I cut it off, I wasn't forced to, it's called mutual trust and respect.

JMHO

re: Blame the user - bebee

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No one is blaming the FB, only the gateway it opens. Don't get all high and mighty with the ME AND MY HUSBAND are soooo above this and we never and Dr. Phil says.... we're so above you all because we have "mutual trust and respect". (dr. phil by the way is just a TOOL for radical feminists agendas, is clearly anti male and anti father...)

You think that the OP didn't also have that feeling of security, trust and respect? Or Silly girl or Midi? I bet they were living their lives just blissfully, happy as could be, thinking that nothing could ever or would ever come along and break up their happy marriage much less shatter their worlds.

All I'm saying is don't get so high up on your pedestal that you smash yourself into a million pieces that can't be put back together.

EVERYONE, even you and your DH have weaknessess. EVERYONE has the capability of hurting who they love. Instead of bragging about how you and your hubby are such great friends and so secure in your relationships that you are friend with your exes, with opposite sexes, that you can check each other's phones and FB accounts, just be thankful. It is totally uncool to pretend that you're so above the influence. I PROMISE you, you are not.
It is what makes us human.

That you two have MADE THE CHOICE (so far) is wonderful. But don't be hurtful with your bragging. I've seen very mighty ones fall.

WOW! Um, okay, I wasn't up on my pedestal, but....sm - SassyPants

[ In Reply To ..]
I was just commenting that people blame media or other things than the people involved themselves. And I am NOT in anyway putting myself up on any pedestal, or bragging, so SORRY to be happy in MY marriage. It seems only unhappy people have the right to speak and poo poo the happy ones.

And yes, I do have fleeting thoughts at times of what if he did this or that or met someone else? Everyone has a teensy bit of jealousy in them, I'd be lying if I said I didn't; however, as someone who has been down that road before of shady doings, I do not dwell on the past but take each day at a time and roll with the punches. My marriage or me or DH is in NO WAY perfect, but we worry about ourselves and no one else and who or what they're doing. I merely was stating my opinion and you know that old saying of opinions are like ***holes and everybody has one.

p.s. Don't hate me b/c you are not happy in your relationship. I'll let you get back to your Springer show!

Just MY opinion....hee hee

re: SassyPants - bebee

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't hate you, I just hate presumptions, obviously as much as you do. See, I'm not in a relationship. I am single. Never married, no children. I have a wonderful life, had a few serious relationships, never lived with anyone. I have many fabulous friends and a great townhouse in a lovely gated community. I am semi-retired and have been traveling with my friends so no time for Springer. I don't even have the need for cable TV!

So jokes on you, IMO. I never have those "fleeting thoughts" of what ifs...
I have a great, happy life by my choice, with no man, with no drama in it. What I learn is just through observations of what happens in my friend's relationships and the fallout from the breakups.

Not my opinion, my observation.

I read the posts here about women and their men and it just makes be stronger in my conviction that I don't need to be married and don't need a man to make it complicated.

I am not a man hater. I love men! I date and hang out with men, flirt, have affairs, just make it clear, a relationship is not for me!

I don't know my I felt compelled to compare my life to yours. Guess their completely different. We know nothing about each other, so no reason to argue. Agree to disagree? I'm done.

Agreed....s/m - SassyPants

[ In Reply To ..]
I did think about your OP and mine also. I fly off the handle so my apologies to my sarcasm. That said, it was not my intent to brag. I was merely making an observation (same as you) that it's a choice to be happy in a relationship. I know it's not all glitters and rainbows. I'm in fact on my 2nd marriage (learned alot from the 1st). If you're happy being single, then more power to you. I'm happy being married. I was just taken aback by some of your original comments. I don't wear rose-colored glasses and would be devastated if that happened to me, or us. I'm not above anyone. I can chose to be happy and trust my husband everyday OR I can chose to be miserable and think he's cheating everyday. Which choice is wiser?

And, if Ginger Cat is happy with her outcome, let's all leave it alone. It may work out, it may not. To each their own.

So over high school drama BS on here. It's easy to post whatever when it's anonymous.

Take care, seriously, I meant nothing by it, I'm more bark than bite.

I'm done too.

I'm so sorry to hear that Ginger Cat. I hope your conversation goes well... - ndmt

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I know no matter how hard you try to keep your head about you and be rational, it hurts all the same. Keep us posted how you're doing.

My opinion - sm

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First, it sounds like your husband adores you and to me sounds like you don't have anything to worry about. Heck, I'd love to have a husband like that. This could be just a new thing to him and he's meeting up with friends from school and they just want to know whats been going on in each other lives since back then. Maybe its just nastalgia. I myself often find myself drifting back to my high school years just about every day. A couple years ago was my 35th reunion and I always wonder what my life would have been like if I did this or that instead of the life I chose. Doesn't mean I don't like my life now, it's just curiosity and I miss those days. It sounds like you have a loving and trusting husband totally devoted to you. If I were you I would not send her messages I would talk to my husband and tell him it's really bothering you and if he cares about you he would stop with the messaging to her and explain to her why.

Next, my opinion about FB. I do not see it as anything good. More and more messages I see is it is destroying peoples lives. People do not need FB to find old friends. I happened to find an old school friend of mine doing genealogy. I also found another friend just typing her name in google. There are ways to find people.

With that said...it's also very dangerous. If we can find anyone, who do you think can find you. I personally don't want my name all over the internet for anyone in this country or another one to find me. First my life is not that interesting and I've never done anything out of the ordinary for anyone to want to find me, but just the thought of scam artists and others finding out info about me gives me the heebie jeebies. My SIL is on FB and so is my aunt and she tells me my SIL writes down everything she does on an hourly basis as if someone would want to know she went to Olive Garden and got the chicken salad and whether or not she liked it and saw someone she thought she knew standing by the bathroom, etc, etc, etc.

I don't have a desire to ever get FB and when this all first came out my DH explicitly told me he is not a fan and does not want me signing up for an acct. No problem here cos there is no good use for it.

All I say is trust your husband and just talk to him and ask him to explain the situation. I'm sure everything will be fine. Wish you good luck.

They are playing with fire. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
That's how marriage disasters start.

Whatever you do, don't contact her.

I think what I would do, when you are both in a good mood, is bring up the subject of how friendships with others of the other sex outside of marriage is not acceptable. Mention that you've heard of those kinds of things going on over the internet and if it ever happened in your marriage, you would help him pay for his new computer. That's an updated version of my husband's "I would attend both funerals" which is not socially acceptable to say. See if he admits to his 'friendship' with his old flame. If he does, tell him you believe that is just disaster waiting to happen, and see if he will offer to stop. Don't threaten to start your own old-flame relationship. Don't threaten physical violence.

If he doesn't own up to it, say what you said to us, you've already had an unfaithful husband in the past and will not tolerate it, physically or emotionally. Then if he doesn't get the message, be specific. Also be calm, but firm. This is a dangerous situation coming from Facebook, etc. Marriages are being impacted every day because of what started out as an innocent conversation with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage. Don't let it happen.

GC here - FB fiasco

[ In Reply To ..]
I read and re-read these posts for direction and tried really hard to heed the advice of those who said "don't confront him in anger" but, it happened anyway.

in a nutshell, he got just as angry and told me to go back and read the messages and that I'd see nothing in there that was saying that they were gonna run off to the Bahamas and live together righting the mistakes they had made in they're lives by not marrying to begin with.

Okay... I'm woman enough to admit I acted the fool and the blind fury got the best of me, and unfortunately it came at the cost of his iPhone which somehow flew across the room and wound up in several pieces... (it slipped.)

After we both calmed down he apologized for making me uncomfortable and said he would cut off conversation with her because "he loves me and never wants me to not trust him or something like this to make me sad (or mad) ever again". maybe he fears my wrath... I'm okay with that!

We sat at the computer together and he wrote his "friend" (barf) EXACTLy what he told me he was going to write, she just happened to come up on IM and also apologized and said she could totally understand where I was coming from. I got a bit ruffled again and told DH to tell her that I almost sent all their messages to her husband, but he told me lets leave well enough alone. Then he posted a "FB isn't for me" message to his friends, told them if they wanted to contact him how they could, and closed his FB account!

I'm very relieved that (even though in anger) DH and I were able to fix this. I have not relented in feeling that the messaging was wrong, but at least he agrees with me, and as long as I get my way (haha!) the world is right.

Know what our 16 year old son said? "FB is for idiots who are looking for trouble. If you don't have real face-to-face friends, you don't have real friends. and who cares that your eating cookies on your sofa at 3 in the morning" Kind of a wise young man.

(we didn't tell him what happened exactly, only that we had a disagreement about FB. He asked if it had something to do with pictures of naked or semi naked women and his dad laughed and said yeah).

I agree 100% with you all who posted that this is playing with fire, that it is a medium by which affairs start and who knows, but this may have been just the tippy top of the beginning of something that was not on their minds yet, that was stopped before many (namely his...) lives were destroyed.

Thanks for having my back and keeping me grounded and semi-sane through my crisis ladies. I do not know what I would have done otherwise (perhaps taken out his truck...)

Later on we all went to buy dad a new phone then went for pizza.

re: GC - KaiKai

[ In Reply To ..]
Wow! Poor iPhone! He'd better walk the line for you honey! ;)

So glad it worked out for you! - PTMT

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I'm so glad he was able to see things from your point of view. Who knows if things would ever have escalated, but Facebook has made trouble for a lot of married couples so your concerns were certainly warranted. You sound like you have a good, solid marriage and I wish you both all the best.

Your son's comment made me laugh - Ayn

[ In Reply To ..]
I want nothing to do with FB and find myself increasingly irritated with people who tell me I should join. Enough with the FB cult already!

It's ridiculous. True story: I got an e-mail from an old friend/old neighbor last week with 1 line -- "When are you going to join FB so we can talk? I miss you"

Umm -- hello -- maybe you could try sending me an email if you miss me??? or pick up the phone and call me??? She sent me a text message reminding me to vote the next day, so I know she has my number. I live 5 minutes from her house - stop by sometime and visit in person.

I just don't understand the mentality of people who are so caught up in FB! Your son hit it square on -- people need to get off FB and get back into living life!

OK -- sorry, getting off topic. I am glad you and hubby talked this out in person and that things worked out for you.

Keep your eyes and ears open - CopperDog

[ In Reply To ..]
The best way to throw you off the scent is to acquiesce to your demands so you will shush up now that you "got your way." Things can calm down and go back to normal and he can continue his friendship... of course being much more careful and covering up better this time.

Maybe that's not the case. I sincerely hope it isn't. But it could and has happened exactly like that when a man is caught with his pants down - or even just top button undone as yours was.

Don't be a fool. Stay aware and watchful.

Amen CopperDog...sounds fishy to me too! - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Things went way too easily. He got caught, has to right the wrong, but probably has another FB page under an assumed name, which you can do very easily.

re: fishy and copper dog - tnt

[ In Reply To ..]
I was wondering when the doubting thomasina's would chime in. It can never be what it is, a genuine apology and a wrong righted, as it sounds to be in this case. There have to be those who think that people genuinely are intent to hurt those they love, that they map out a life plan to continually ruin their life and/or marriage, that after they make a mistake, it can never, ever, ever be rectified.

In this case GC re-posted and sounded like she was satisfied. That's all that matters. I'm sure everyone knows 'once bitten twice shy', but I am glad that they seem to have resolved this. Why not let her have that?

I'm all about the happy endings, unlike the evil stepsisters fishy and copper dog. Good for you Ginger Cat!

Hey, if she wants to believe him, more power to her... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
but some of us are taking off our rose colored glasses and simply being realistic. He seemed to roll over and "give her her way" much too easily. She may think she has "won" now but at what cost? We are all entitled to our own opinions now, aren't we?

re: Fishy and Copper dog - Ginger Cat

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't want to argue. I understand absolutely how people become jaded and fall in to the "all men are the same and the women who love them are fools" frame of mind, where you obviously are.

I was fuming mad, ready to fight mad! This is MY man, MY marriage that I felt was being threatened! My life, my kids, everything I know right now.

I just want to respond to your "more power to her" comment... I don't need "power". I have FAITH in him. WE believe in our marriage and BELIEVE in our vows. I believe him period. That is MY reality. He did not "roll over", you were not privy to the argument and subsequent conversation so how could you know? Yeah, ya can't! I don't like the idea of "disposable bic lighter marriages". I'm a fighter and have enough love and faith in this union to forgive.

AND, I did win! At no cost at all.

Yes, you are entitled to your own opinion. I can't change your mind, nor will I try. I just had to have MY final say.

re: GC - good 4 u

[ In Reply To ..]
Corinthians 13 4 8; Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

RE: Love is patient... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Love stinks...J. Geils Band circa 1980s

re: sm - omg...

[ In Reply To ..]
My dedication to you: All By Myself. Eric Carmen. 1975.

Aww, thanks, but very happily married...and he DOESN'T cheat :) - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
:)

re: -nm - wteva

[ In Reply To ..]
If you were somebody else, would you want to be friends with you? no one likes the oneupper or the bragger. I seriously DOUBT that you haven't had issues. goodbye.

re: wteva - :D

[ In Reply To ..]
OH SNAPS!!!

Believing in vows...does that include talking to exes - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
about how life would have been with them instead of their current situation? I certainly wish you a lot of luck in the future. If I were in your situation I'd watch him like a hawk for the next several months and be on the look out for that fake name FB account!

Double good for you GC. I don't understand how a person can be... - ndmt

[ In Reply To ..]
attracted to someone, date them, argue with them, make love to them, cry over them, laugh with them, hold their hand when they're sick, lift them up when they're down, take a vow before God and family, create life with them and then just not fight for them.

I'm not saying it's right to cheat, but I don't think it is shameful to fight for your marriage.

Also, I AM saying both cheaters are responsible. So what if the other person didn't make a promise to you...they shouldn't have to. Marriage is sacred, and if you ever want to be respected in your marriage or even in life, you need to respect others. Period. NO excuses for your BAD behavior.

If you need to rip apart a family because you are feeling blue, unappreciated, or have a little itch, you need professional help, not someone else's spouse.

RE: GC here...am - FB comment

[ In Reply To ..]
Your son isn't exactly correct about FB. I love FB, yet I lead a very productive, active, and social life. I have 'real' friends, which are most of my FB friends, but we love FB because it's fun to see pictures of everyone's family, kids, pets, etc.

FB is what one makes of it. It can be just what it is, a social network, or it can be a breeding ground for infidelities, depends on what one goes there looking for. Personally, I have a FB to keep in contact with family and friends that I don't get to see or talk to on a regular basis. Yes, I have most of my high school class on there, and yes including old boyfriends, but that's all they are OLD boyfriends. And looking at some of them today, boy am I glad I didn't make that mistake! Just IMHO...

I'm with you... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
I am on FB to keep in contact with people whom I otherwise would not. I like these people, but am not really close enough to call; some are friends, some are family and some are, indeed, old boyfriens, whom I thank the heavens every day I did not marry. My husband has a FB account, and although I am prone to jealousy, I do not monitor it. I might ask him if someone posts something on his wall, but even though I know his password, I would never look in his account. I love my husband and trust him. As far as the original question, I don't really think that the reminiscing was completely innocent, nor do I think it represents cheating. It might have been a little inappropriate, but I certainly would not wreck my marriage or go into PI mode over it, but that's just me. I think that if it is handled to GC's liking, good for her! Good luck to both GC and her husband!

I totally agree with you, got my head bitten off - sm - ITKMT

[ In Reply To ..]
but you put it right, it is what one make of it. I too use it mainly to stay in touch with my 3 best friends (all girls like me). We are scattered apart in DE, MD, PA, and VA. Two talk a lot on it via the newsfeed (several times a day), myself and my other BF don't get on much at all. I get on mainly to play Farmville for 10 mins a day and that is it. I feel no need to give anyone a blow by blow of my day as some do (great way to get your house robbed). Every now and then I put up a comment like, hey we got our leak under the house fixed, yea, what a drag that was, sort of stuff. I don't even post the kids pictures as yet, though I do have the highest security setting so I could probably get around to that especially now that they are getting older and almost teenagers. None of my family is on except one nephew, I wish they would though as we are all scattered too between OH, DE, VA and NY. ---LOL about the old boyfriends, a sister of one ex is one of my "friends" and she put up a picture of my ex a while back, whew, so glad that did not work out, but glad anyway as I would not met and married my DH and have the two great kids I have now either.--- I also do not friend anyone I do not know. If used properly and in moderation FB is quite fun

re: FB Comment - your HO

[ In Reply To ..]
I didn't read the OP say her son was exactly right. She said he was wise. I think it is awesome that a teenager boy isn't interested in FB and prefers face to face time with friends.

I am so happy things worked out - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
I am the one who replied my opinion that it sound like your husband adores you and I'm so glad everything worked out. Your husband sounds like a smart and reasonable man.

P.S. Your son is much wiser beyond his years.

FB aftermath - mt1347

[ In Reply To ..]
Glad it worked out - but throwing his iPHone? Anyway, your 16 yo sounds like a great, level headed kid and you should both be proud of him and listen to his wisdom. Again, glad it got resolved and that you had the courage to take the bully by the horns and deal with it, not let it simmer.

What? Give her a piece of your mind? - Seriously?

[ In Reply To ..]
He's the one stepping out on your by having a conversation with an old girlfriend, she's not coming to your house. This is him. Stop blaming the other woman for your man doing wrong.

re: SERIOUSLY - HAHA

[ In Reply To ..]
Seriously yourself! She has explained above that she placed the blame EQUALLY so SHUUUUUSH! :D Learn how to read too.

re: Seriously? - what r u reading

[ In Reply To ..]
hmm... I agree. u should learn 2 read. I read GC say "want to give her", "told hubby she almost"... never that she did "give her a piece of her mind".

Also, she DID blame her DH, and equally the FB friend. So, thats what! TTFN!

Ginger Cat: You did good gal! You handled it like a hot blooded, loving woman trying to protect her marriage and I don't blame you one iota!

Blame yourself first. - Seriously?

[ In Reply To ..]
Stop blaming others for your man wanting to go elsewhere and don't dare blame the person HE'S chosen to talk to.

re: blame yourself????? - A real woman

[ In Reply To ..]
Are you seriously saying that it's the fault of this woman that her man flirted? I suppose you think that if a gal dresses provocatively that she deserves to be attacked also? That if she takes a walk at night and falls victim of a crime it's her fault? That because she is married her husband can do with her what he pleases? Talk about narrow minded, backward thinking!

Long gone are the days when we blamed the woman for "not taking care of her man at home" for him straying. OMG!!! I cannot believe that a woman in today's world, in American society actually believes that enough to say it out loud!

Another thing; when a person makes a choice to cheat (physically, emotionally, whatever...) then they need to be aware that an angry or hurt lover is going to react and that usually means confronting BOTH cheaters! We all know WHO to blame, but you know that in your heart of hearts, given the chance to, YOU WOULD say something to the other person involved, right or not. I absolutely would!

Clearly stated, OP blames her man, equally the woman.

Wow... how sad you think this way.

This thread makes me want to go look up - Old boyfriends on FB

[ In Reply To ..]
Just to see what kind of trouble I can cause.

Thanks for the idea, Ginger Cat!

LOL! - nm -

[ In Reply To ..]
waiting for those with no sense of humor to jump on this!

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