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What to do when the spouse wont quit bothering

Posted: Dec 21, 2014

he bitches whenever he's busy doing something and I interrupt him??? He's watched videos all day, he's come out by me and talked to me, and of course I cant hear and I have to constantly holler "huh" whenever I hear his voice behind me.

We've gone over and over this many times. I've explained about production and outside noise around me. I've said shush, I'm working, and so on.

What do you guys do to handle this. I know I'm not the only one with this problem.

It's my husband, I cant exactly hang up the phone or shut the door, etc like with other people. We're in a 1-bedroom apartment and I'm in the main living area which my working isn't a problem unless he's here.

Yes, I know he's selfish and inconsiderate, and he's not going to change. I've threatened him several times with asking him 'do you want me to lose this job, I've already lost one due to interference...' and nothing changes. He himself has even told me to put my hand up to ask him to wait a moment or tell him I'm busy, but he still keeps interrupting me.

I can tell him I'm losing money when he interrupts me... he might behave for a while, but the same stuff will start all over again.

I do NOT know what else to do. Divorce really isnt a viable option here... but I've actually considered it at times when I'm simply at the end of my flipping rope. I suppose the last resort is to actually tell him to stop bothering me because if I lose this job because of his constant interruptions and I dont make production, he is out of here. Not a good idea to give an ultimatum unless I'm prepared to follow thorough on it, I know that.

I hate this.

;

hubby - me

[ In Reply To ..]
Wow, my husband & yours could be related! Mine has a medical excuse, but that doesn't reduce my frustration. (He's got a long list of medical issues which left him with short-term memory loss.) I gave up reading (whenever he's home) many years ago because, to him, if I'm reading, it means I'm not doing anything, so he interrupts. Same with writing letters. I quit doing that years ago also. Now everything is email, but his history of interrupting me is many years long. If I call him at work, there's a really good reason or I wouldn't do it.... the first words I hear are "I'm at work, can't be on the phone." I work at home. I've told him "if the headset is on, I'm at work." When he comes in for something medical or otherwise important, no big deal. It's part of why I'm home so much. There are things I have to take care of. But if he wants to tell me he washed a dish or put something away or something came to mind about his childhood, I interrupt him & remind him that I'm at work & don't have time for that kind of chat. He doesn't get offended, but he also doesn't learn. He'll even come in & tell me he won't keep me long because he knows I'm working, but he's going to tell me a story anyway. Really? I'm working!! I've told him countless times that the more time he spends interrupting me & stopping me from working, the longer I have to work that day. It's ok with him, because he'll be at work by the time I stop no matter what time it is. I've asked him why he does this when he knows it causes trouble. He says he tells me these things because if he doesn't, he'll forget & not tell me later. I've told him that some of these things don't need to be said at all. I never tell him when I've done dishes or taken out trash, etc. He tells me literally everything he does from fixing breakfast to clipping his nails. It's not worth interrupting my job for, but it's going to happen anyway. Divorce isn't an option for me either. He's not capable of living alone. His parents are too old for this. For better or worse, sickness and health, right? After I've chewed him out, he tells me to have a good day... and he means it. Heart of a child, that one. But as frustrating as anyone I've ever known.

Can you just keep typing without - sm - Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
acknowledging him at all? Obviously, he's being very disrespectful and seems to be doing that intentionally because you have asked him to stop. Try to completely ignore him without responding and see if he gives up eventually.

Nope, tried that - me

[ In Reply To ..]
I've ignored him & kept on typing. He just stands there quietly & watches me, waits for me to stop, then tells me he forgot what he came in for & he'll be back when he remembers. Sometimes, he's gotten a little ticked because I made him wait too long & I know his memory is short, so he has to say things right away & not wait so long. I hide the screen so he can't read it, so he pretty much just stands in the doorway now. He doesn't see it as disrespect. He doesn't understand a lot of things anymore. He just figures the stuff needs to be said. It doesn't matter if I need to hear it or not. He isn't trying to be mean or rude even though it's extremely rude to butt in several times in 3 hours. If I did that at his job, he'd go off on me. I've tried to get him to understand what it does to my ability to work when this happens & how would he feel or how would his boss feel if I did this at his job... he can't see that it's the same thing. He looks at me like he understands & then keeps talking. It goes right over his head. His doc says there's nothing we can do to fix it. His brain recovery is simply not possible. I try to just deal with it calmly, but on days when I have crap dictators, my patience is a little thin.

Can he write down what he wants to say so he - won't forget? nm

[ In Reply To ..]
Xx

He's tried that too - me

[ In Reply To ..]
The rare times he remembers to not interrupt, he may write things down, but he forgets what he wrote. He has so many notes, new and old, never throws them away because he doesn't remember if the notes are current or important (even the ones with dates on them). He has no idea which note means what... I toss any that I know are old & no longer mean anything when he's not looking. If I do it in front of him, he thinks I'm throwing away something important. "I wrote that for a reason. One of these days I might remember why." He sets an alarm as a reminder to take medicine & took months to remember what the alarm was for. I used to be his medicine giver but thought it was important for him to try & retrain his brain for something that is constant & never ever going to change. I set up his medicine box each week, but he now remembers to take the pills. I've had this job for many years & he just can't remember enough to wait til job is over before he says something that's not urgent. His memory is sometimes 5 minutes, sometimes a day, sometimes anything in-between. After surgery, he'd remember things only as long as the conversation lasted. Once the subject changed, the memory of earlier subject was lost. Doc said once we got to about 2 yrs post surgery, whatever his mind function was at that time, that's what he'd have the rest of his life. Improvement stopped at about 1-1/2 yrs. The only memory that stuck with him through whole event was his job. He took months to remember where his job was, so I would take him, but once he was there, all memory of what to do returned. It's the only way we've avoided him going on disability. If he was home ALL the time, I'd never get anything done. :) I don't mean to gripe. He's one of the nicest people you could ever meet, would help anyone any time, but his brain issues frustrate me no end sometimes. It won't get any better. It frustrates him too. At this point, he knows he's forgotten something he used to know solidly, will say, "I know I've asked before, but I just can't remember anymore..." Other times, he has no clue that anything was ever said about something. He'll say "you never told me about that" after being told several times.

It sounds to me like you have no options and just - Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
have to put up with it. Not trying to be mean, but all the suggestions I've given won't work. I'm sorry your husband has a brain injury. I would do as the other poster said and move into the bedroom and then lock the door while working.

Can you move your computer into your bedroom and set up your office there? - Been there, done that

[ In Reply To ..]
That way you can shut the door and put a sign on it. Or, if that's not doable can you get one of those room dividers and put it up and hang a sign on it saying

Work hours: 8:00-5:00. Will be home shortly.

I've been where you are and I know exactly what you are going through. Hopefully you can get it resolved. I ended up sitting down one time and told DH that as much as I would like to talk to him about all the things he feels are important if I don't type I don't get paid and our bills don't get paid. Since then he's left me alone. Wish you best.

If he thinks his work is so "important", why not - quit, and let HIM support you?

[ In Reply To ..]

Spouse wont quit bothering you - redmaj

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, go on a strike. Seriously. Turn off your computer, sit on the floor and tell him you are done until he listens to your complaints. OR totally freak out like a mad woman. Throw something, then scream and run out-tell him he is driving you mad. Seriously!! LOL. It might work. So, quit telling him and ACT.

What I do with my kids - clyde

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a dry erase board right next to my computer station when they aren't at school. They write down what they want and either show it to me and wait for an answer (if it's urgent) or they put it down and wait for me to take a break. Because they have to write it down, it cuts down on the distractions in and of itself because they don't want to write it down because it takes "too long."

If they refuse to write it down, they can stand there all day for all I care and stare at me as I type. Sometimes I'll respond with "huh?" and then they ask whatever they wanted to ask me and continue talking, which results in another "huh?" and eventually I whip off my headphones and say, "OK. I have to work now so you have to stop bothering me. If you really need something, we can talk about it real quick. But if you're just going to tell me a story you wanted to tell me, write it down and we'll talk after I finish work." Yes, sometimes I get very mad, and sometimes me being mad makes them mad. Too bad, so sad. If I was working in an office setting and they were at home, they wouldn't call me to tell me how cute the cat looked when the wind blew a leaf that hit the window, or about how annoying our neighbor is, or do I think it'll snow. When they tell me they're mad I won't talk to them at a specific time, I tell them we're even because I'm a little mad they're preventing me from making money to pay for the lights or the hot water or the cable or their cell phones or Christmas presents. It's okay for them to be mad, and it's okay for me to be mad. Such is life.

I think you've been given some great suggestions on this thread, including moving your office into the bedroom where you can close the door. You seem to shut down all the suggestions pretty quick, saying you've tried them, they don't work, etc., etc. Bottom line is, what's more important to you, setting down ground rules and talking openly about how important your job is during work hours and how important your husband is but how his interruptions affect your work and your pay, or making sure your husband isn't mad at you because you aren't giving him the attention he wants at the exact moment he wants it?

My suggestion: Have an open and honest conversation with him and let him know that you're really okay with him being upset with you during your work hours if he comes in to chat with you about something that can wait. He wouldn't like it if you called his cell phone every 20 minutes at work to tell him something that could wait.

What I Do - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
Has anyone ever thought of giving your spouse or kid/kids a big fat hug and kiss? Keeps them at bay for hours. Instead of ridiculing and/or rejecting them, just try the nice way.

Does anyone like to be hollered at just because you want to talk to them??? Helllloooo....

Judgemental much? - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I've raised 3 kids as an at-home MT, never needed a babysitter, just learned what worked for us. My kids and my husband are very well cared for and loved. They get lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you's" and my work schedule pretty much mimics their work/school schedules.

However, there is a time and a place for telling me things that can wait until after work. When my kids get home from school, I take a break and we talk about their day and then they know it's time for mom to get back to work and they start on their homework. I also stop if they have a question on their homework (which only rarely happens).

You have some nerve judging those on this board of not giving our families enough love, even as far as inferring that our families are being mistreated while we are working becuase we "yell." Here's a dose of reality for you, sweetheart, frustrations happen, people do at times raise their voices and ask to please not be bothered with things while they are working. Just because I work from home does not give anyone permission to treat my time as though I'm not working. Same goes for the neighbors when they come to the door and I see that it's them. I simply ignore the doorbell...and the phone. Rude? No. Realistic. I expect to be treated while I'm working at home the same as everyone gets treated while working in an office outside of the home.

So, you can take your judgements and your Mary Poppins opinions and...

Wait, my apologies, my queen. I love you and respect your opinion...and may I give you a hug to show you how much I love you while the rest of those on this board salute you with a single finger. xoxoxoxoxoxo You are the best transcriptionist, mommy and wife in the whole world and I mean that truly from the bottom of my heart. You are the best and we can all learn from your compassion and understanding. I wish I had the time to make homemade chocolate chip cookies that come out hot from the oven the insant my kids get home from school each day, the way you do. I'm sure you are rewarded greatly by the amazing work you do in a timely fashion every day, your 100% QA audits because your concentration remains unbroken, and your sparkly clean kids who always have a smile on their precious little faces because they know mommy loves them...and oh how happy daddy is that he can get some whenever he wants, even if it is in the middle of a work day and you're half way through an ESL dictation that's 15 minutes long.

#sarcasm #DoseOfReality #IFeelMuchBetterNow #thankyou

Men listen with half their brain. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
When this article first came out I remember thinking that it was no surprise to me, or most women for that matter. I made jokes about it and teased my husband. After all, it is something I had been telling him for years, and now science was on my side!

You have described 95% of all men. When you tell them you are working and not to be disturbed they think you mean the children, if you have no children you must mean all the other people in the world that don't live in your house, because you couldn't possibly mean that rule applies to him. My husband semi retired a couple of years ago. I knew it would be a difficult adjustment for both of us, even though he told me he was ready and had plenty of interests to occupy his time. That was fine, he worked hard all his life (I didn't believe a word of it, but I tried to convince myself). After a few weeks the novelty wore off and he started to bug me. I was patient at first, but that wore thin. One day a woman came to the door wanting us to sign up for the Internet/cable provider she represented, very pushy as I recall. My husband came into my office and told me what she wanted, I told him to tell her to come back another time because I was working. He left, came back five minutes later and asked what our Internet speed was. I told him to get her business card and I would call her back when I wasn't working. He left again. came back a third time with her business card in his hand and asked me another Internet related question. This time I got up, visibly irritated, took the card off of him, started toward the front door to find the woman in my living room! I walked over to her and said hello, she immediately went into her sales pitch. I interrupted her and asked her if she knew of a full proof way how not to make a sale? She looked puzzled so I answered the question for her. "When someone leaves word that they are working and they will contact you later to hear the offer and you keep bugging them, you will definitely not make a sale at that house!" I handed her back her card, thanked her for stopping by, ushered her out the door and slammed the door in her face. I surprised her and my husband at the same time. He did learn a lesson though, now he doesn't bug me unless it is really important. Sometimes it takes a visual display to get your point across, especially since men have selective hearing. It is like when you tell a child something 10 times but can't get their attention, finally you have to pick up the phone because nothing gets a child's attention faster than when you are on the phone! You have to find a man's version of the phone, and when you have their full attention then try to explain it again. Chances are that won't work for long, after all that rule couldn't mean him long term!

You might try an old style tape recorder so he can record his stories, daily happenings and anecdotes, play it back over dinner and talk about it then. You may even have a laugh over what he at the time thought was so important. This may be a good idea for the poster whose husband has short term memory loss.

I bet you could have gotten the same response if you gave her a hug - haha

[ In Reply To ..]
offered her cookies and freshly-squeezed lemonade, and bought the biggest package she offered. If you really loved your husband that's what you'd do. #sarcasm #inamood

Mmmmm this sounds so familiar, is your husband one who sm - I may know you

[ In Reply To ..]
when you are on the phone with something work-related or even your supervisor, is talking and asking questions in the background?

If so, yeah---you will lose your job again. If you aren't willing to move into a room where you can shut/lock the door to keep him out and you won't divorce him, I don't know what to tell you.

You have to help yourself.

Wait-I did a 2nd read. He has a brain injury? He can't help it then sm - I may know you

[ In Reply To ..]
Normally I'm not too patient with people, but with brain-injured people even I understand they have to adapt to the dysfunction and if he knows he's going to forget something, yes--he's going to blurt it out while you're working because that's the only way he knows to assist himself.

So I'm taking back my advice to shut yourself away or divorce him. What you may want to try is a dry erase board for him to write down things he thinks about, but you need to take frequent breaks, like at least once an hour, to come out and interact with him and talk about what's on the board.

Wait a minute! msg - me

[ In Reply To ..]
There are 2 of us with the problem on this thread... the OP and me. I replied to her original note to let her know she's not alone & I have similar problem. I don't know if her hubby is brain damaged, but I know mine is. To the poster who suggested the white board, I LOVE that idea & it could work really well. He could write notes & not lose them because they'd be on "my" wall. I have one that I use to keep track of his medicines & appointments already. My son has one in his room for various things he keeps track of. Another one in the hall might be ideal for interruptions that aren't all that big a deal. To the one who commented that I shoot down ideas, no, I don't. We've just had plenty of time with this problem to have tried several options that failed. The white board idea could be the big success & will be tried. To everyone else, I've been kind to him, rude to him, went on strike to get his attention, yelled & cried at him. Nothing I did made any difference. He'd feel bad until he forgot about it & then it would start all over again. It's not worth the drama, so we don't go through all that anymore. I rarely get people at the door. Unfortunately, when the bell goes off, so do my dogs & one of them will freak out til I calm him down, so doors do get answered. I think the OP should try the "message board" on her wall also. Genius!

Is it possible now along with the damage he has early dementia? sm - I may know you

[ In Reply To ..]
My mother had dementia and very early we used the white board, which did cut down on the interruptions with work (I moved in to supervise her, as she could no longer live alone). Unfortunately, I was never really able to eliminate the interruptions because sometimes the white board would sometimes trigger her to come and tell me what she wrote on the white board.

Part of the problem is his lack of something else to do. While we would love a day of nothing much to do, he is probably getting bored and obsessing on remembering things.

I know this would be difficult because he doesn't see himself as such, but would an adult day program (senior or dementia-oriented) be something you could look at having him attend? If he went a few times a week on days you work, it would be a respite for you, too and your patience may come back also.

There is a way to approach him about that and/or having someone take him out to do something with him. Don't ask him, tell him. The day of (not before, he will obsess) just get him ready and say "you are going XXX today".

You have to have some regular respite for yourself or you will go crazy. If there is a program, a person you can ask or hire to come in to occupy him, it will help YOU a great deal. It's best to start getting him used to not being with you 24/7 now, because one day he may have to have care that isn't you and he needs to be used to that.

Interruptions - Rusty

[ In Reply To ..]
WOW. This is my husband. He is on disability and I have an office door. It doesn't stay closed. When he is on Facebook, he is constantly asking me to spell stuff. My oldest daughter is constantly asking me to keep an eye on her dog, who is very high maintenance. I guess because I am home ,I am not at work. It is funny because my husb tells my daughter not to interrupt me I am working. If he only took his own advice. I guess I just block them out most of the time, but they get tired of me saying HUH? No matter how many times I tell them, they don't seem to care. Such as life at home, I guess.

works - me

[ In Reply To ..]
He works full-time with no problem. It's not a complicated job, fits him fine. He had the job a few years prior to all this, so the boss worked with us a lot to keep things going. Wonderful place. The problem with interruptions is I work morning, he works evening. There are a couple hours of him being awake & home while I'm working. I thought about the idea that he'd feel the need to tell me he wrote on the board... he most certainly would do that. lol ... I wondered about early dementia years before we found out about the brain problem because he was forgetting stupid stuff. We were finally able to get answers about a month after he forgot who I was. When he was in the hospital for still another problem, the brain issue was discovered. Recovery was a nightmare, but we got through it. It took awhile for him to get back into the habit of routine things that are automatic for most people, but he did it. He can drive to work but not new places. He can do things around the house that tap into his long-term memory. What he cannot do is manage bills or anything complicated in thought. He cannot multitask at all.

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