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I only asked if anyone knew of a support group. I will not

Posted: Aug 10, 2015

To those of you throwing stones: If you were the ones here living it, I think you'd be singing a different tune.

There's more to the story than I could ever write here.

In a nutshell: These people are grown and have been on their own for several years, refusing to do anything to better themselves. They've only recently come back into his life begging for handouts because they think he's got a lot of money now, and that's the only reason. One specifically told him "I think you should pay our way there."

If any of you want to pay their way, I'll gladly give you addresses or FB pages to send money.

I wasn't asking for advice or anyone to agree with me.

;

You chose this man to father your children... - why are you still there?

[ In Reply To ..]
Kids today have been raised in daycare and lack of unconditional love has caused them to stagnate, not test abilities, either people pleasers or nonparticipants in their lives.

The father is an alcoholic. He appears to be living with you. So, there is your first problem. Are you enabling him? If not, you'd have left him for a better life.

Kids need their parents when they have yet to be validated. Rather than separate them, bring them together by getting their dad sober.

Please read edited original post, if your comprehension - skills have improved. OP nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

I would choose my kids over you in a heartbeat - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
If you can't deal with his kids then you should leave and get out. If you gave me the ultimatums you have given him you would be out the door before you could blink your eyes. You have put him in a bad position and are making him choose and if he is a man at all he would choose his kids or children he has raised. You married a package and parents don't disown their kids because they don't meet expectations. He definitely needs to stop enabling them but it sure sounds like that is coming from guilt. That is what he needs help with. Making them be responsible for themselves.

I married a man who has no kids and I have four. My kids put him through the ringer but never, never has he made me choose between him or them. He knows that is a choice he would lose. I have told him 100 times I don't know why he has stayed but he has stayed for 25 years and we now have 7 grandchildren that love him tremendously.

And yes a couple of my kids still need help from time to time but in the end he supports whatever my decision is.

You sound very selfish and want everything to be all about you. Real life is not that way. I feel sorry for your husband.

I am adult child of - (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
2 heavy drinkers. Father was an full-fledged alcoholic. He was a genius and traded in a fabulous life for sitting at the bar, talking. He had skeletons and ghosts. Mother binge drank which I now realize was due to a guilty conscience her life as an orphan in 1930s and 1940s. So, yah, I know misery. The enormous amount of time focused on a person in a drunk stupor, they are like babies really.

These broken lives are the result of broken homes. I did not have kids. I live alone but if I were given one wish, I would have wished to be able to have created a functional supportive family unit. I think it is great how family members text back and forth, like writing letters. A lot can be said which would not otherwise due to distractions or misread cues, missed moments. I think you should stay out of it and let your husband have a relationship with his kids. I always said my dad would be alive today if he had SSRIs (he committed suicide in end). He tried religion. He had to go down a 500 ft shaft in Johnstown, PA Byrd Coal mine when a bucket loaded with muck fell on 2 men below. This was 1/6/1965, zero degrees, late day. Coal miners refused to go down. Father was in Pitts, and when they asked him to help in the recovery, he said yes. Went down hole at least 2 times. He talked about that every night, would get out pad and pen and draw diagrams, reassessing. The same crane had to be used, and it shook to point they had to replace chain. One man at bottom of mine had 11 kids. My dad was offered his job as superintendent of drilling company so we moved here. But even before then, antsy, was a paratrooper during last part of WWII and a blaster in the mines (explosives expert). His note said he ran out of luck. I tried to help, mtg'ed a very modest mobile home, affordable, spent quality time, got to know him as an adult, but finally drove 3000 miles away.

Anyway, good luck. I know how depressing it is to see a person escape reality and leave you with the remnants of themselves to keep you company.

any right-minded person, - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
And I say that loosely in your case, would encourage a relationship between their spouse and his children, regardless if one feels they are worthless, useless or looking for a handout. Obviously you cannot be respectful, so how do you suppose they learned that? Sometimes the sign hits a person smack dab in the kisser, and sometimes we need a chat board to point out the obvious, but you, my dear, should look in a mirror and see your faults before you air someone elses. You sound very immature, probably more than the useless kids...

You dont seem to read or comprehend very well either - They did NOT learn any of their SM

[ In Reply To ..]
behaviors from me. I posted that I am NOT the bio mother. I did not raise them. However, I am the one who has tried to be supportive by putting up with constant phone calls on our dime, texts, FB page messages from those worthless pieces of trash constantly begging for money, phone cards, and to come live with us yet again at 26 years old with a baby and a girlfriend after being thrown out once due to drugs and disrespect, and when they wont even get a GED to get more than part time minimum wage jobs to supplement their food stamps. The youngest is 24 years old and doesnt even have a drivers license and shows no inclination to get one.

My faults? I've held 2 and 3 jobs at a time over the past 30+ years when needed. I've always been completely self supporting when I was single. I've had a drivers license and jobs since age 17. I've never begged to live with anyone else because I was too lazy to get a job, never asked for handouts, I finished high school and technical college for a degree. I dont do drugs, I dont steal, and I have respect for other people's rules in their homes when I am a guest. And I've never sold drugs near a school and then begged my father for bail money after not having any contact for years with him. Yes, those are some of my faults and I see them clearly.

your husband failed in his job - the kids didnt fail

[ In Reply To ..]
It would be nailing jello to a tree trying to converse with you further...

Why, exactly, did you marry this loser? - Wondering

[ In Reply To ..]
It is probably safe to say their father is not exactly a choice catch, not if his kids are that bad. So, why did you marry him?

And, why do you expect him to terminate his relationship with his children because of you?

I certainly hope you do not call his kids useless pieces of trash to his face - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
and if you do you should be ashamed of yourself. He should throw you out the door. Your husband may need help but you need it more. Sounds like he needs counseling because he has an abusive and hateful wife.

The first question that comes to my mind is, do YOU have any - BIOLOGICAL children?

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm betting you don't. The harsh reaction you are getting here is because your posts have been completely devoid of compassion, empathy, well devoid of any emotion except anger.

Parenting does not stop at 18 or 23 or ever! I agree that your husband's children have problems and I would even agree that your husband has enabled them to behave badly and tough love may be in order in the situation. LOVE should be the operative word for you. You seem hell bent on tough, but have absolutely no love whatsoever! I would never turn my back on my children no matter their age and no matter their sins. You can disapprove of your child's behavior, but still love them completely and try to guide them. If you shut the door in their face, you literally and figuratively leave them lost and alone.

Finally, if my assumptions is mistaken and you do have biological children of your own, I'm sure they are as emotionally stunted as you seem to be and that is very, very sad.

I'll pray for your husband. He needs all the help he can get.

I kinda feel sorry for the husband - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
He seems desperate for affection. His wife seems to view him with contempt and possibly treats him poorly. Maybe that's why he's clinging so tightly to his relationship with his children, even though it might not be ideal, though all we know about that is what his wife says, and she doesn't seem to have any respect for him at all.

You picked him - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

You are in a tough situation - and I am sorry

[ In Reply To ..]
you didn't receive any support here. My only suggestion is that you take care of yourself since you cannot change someone else, only yourself. Establish firm boundaries regarding the children and appreciate that your husband has such a capacity for love. Good luck.

used to be codependency groups - that dealt

[ In Reply To ..]
with similar issues but believe they have faded away. How about a couple sessions of marriage therapy just to sort through this issue with a person trained in conflict resolution?

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