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I have a what would you do kinda question.

Posted: Dec 31, 2014

My step-dad has two granddaughters, one of whom got married, the wedding literally was last evening. The older of the two sisters planned and hosted the bridal shower for her sister. My mom was invited. The shower was to be hold at the older girl's house who lives in "the city." My mom does not drive into the city. She's nearly 70 and she does not drive outside of her comfort zone which consists of a 20 mile radius from her home. Arrangements were made by the older granddaughter for my mom to ride with the other grandma. The other grandma is 83. My mom agreed to this, but then got to thinking she wasn't really comfortable riding into the city with an 83-year-old woman at the wheel either. So she asked me if I would drive her and the other grandma. I said I could do that, but that I wasn't invited to the shower, so I would just drop them off and go do some shopping and pick them up when they were finished. My mom said she would ask if I could come. I told her not to ask, but she insisted. So then I told her if she says no, not to be offended because I don't know either girl very well and it was perfectly acceptable that I not be invited. My mom asked the older sister who did indeed say no, that she had only planned for a certain number of people food-wise and she was already two over. So my mom said okay, I'll ride with the other grandma. The day of shower, two hours before the shower was to start, the older granddaughter calls my mom and says her uncle is in town from California and her uncle would be driving her grandmother and they wanted to stay after the shower ended to visit and so my mom would need to drive herself. My mom was angry and she felt the older granddaughter was doing this to spite her and I agreed. So my mom refused to go to the shower.

Last night was the actual wedding. My mom and stepdad attended. The bride was really sweet and wanted my stepdad to participate in the ceremony by helping her with a candle lighting memorial to her late mother (his daughter) which he did. The older granddaughter basically would not even look at my mom and would not speak to her grandfather the entire evening. My stepdad was upset by this, but is by nature a very stoic man and so refuses to talk about it. My mom can be a pill and she is very abrasive and offensive sometimes, saying everything that pops into her head. She basically has no tact whatsoever. I'm used to her, but others are offended by her and I know both granddaughters probably do not like her. The youngest, the bride, however, is a very sweet girl who wants to like everyone and looks past flaws. The oldest granddaughter not so much. And now I fear she won't even have any kind of relationship with her grandfather because of it which is very important to my step-dad because he lost his daughter whom he was estranged from because of her drug use only a few years ago and so he would like to maintain a relationship with his granddaughters. So I thought I would shoot a nice email to the older granddaughter basically telling her that I'm not getting involved in her battle with my mother, but that I would hate to see something as petty as a bridal shower invitation affect her relationship with her grandfather. What do you think? Should I do this or should I just keep my mouth shut?

;

Don't get in the middle of this - clyde

[ In Reply To ..]
Emailing and saying, "I don't want to get in the middle of it...but" is just you getting in the middle of it.

The people you are speaking about who have these...let's call them personality quirks...are elderly and have made up their minds how they are going to be and how they will handle things. Their choices may not be wise, but they are theirs to make, and they aren't going to change regardless if you tell the granddaughter, "my mom is a pill and speaks her mind" so please put up with it the way the rest of us have for years, and "my stepdad is very stoic and will ignore the problem" so just go along with pretending there isn't a problem when there clearly is one.

From what you've written, I don't know that the other grandmother was being mean-spirited when she said she was getting a ride from someone else because she wanted to stay later. My son and daughter-in-law live 3 hours away. We are the relatives that live furthest from them. As such, most of the time when there is a birthday or holiday and we drive to see them, we are invited to stay a little longer or get there a day earlier and spend the night.

I would suggest that if you intervene on anyone's part that you intervene with your mom, though you probably won't sway her opinion. Otherwise, I'd take a page out of your stepdad's playbook and just pretend everything is okay and stay out of it. It's not worth ruining your relationships with the people involved.

I hear what you are saying. I guess I've been fixing my mom's mistakes - Fam Drama

[ In Reply To ..]
for a while now and I want to try to fix this, but I can't. My mom just called and told me that she told the other grandmother last night at the wedding that "this is the stupidist place to have a wedding. There's no parking!" I flinched. I asked my mom what if the other grandmother tells the bride she said that. Mom didn't care. It was the truth as she saw it. I told her the bride may be offended because she paid for the venue, the meal, and it all sounded pretty nice and that my mom was an invited guest and should be thankful to have been included. My mom got mad at me and "well excuse me, I guess I need you to tell me how to behave." I just shut up and got off the phone. There's no getting through to her. My poor stepdad is having to pay for her sins with his granddaughter and she doesn't care. My dad didn't let her get away with it and they fought miserably. They ended up divorced and he died two years later. Oh well, thanks for listening. I guess there's nothing for me to do but shake my head.

I have a similar problem with my dad - clyde

[ In Reply To ..]
For the last couple years, whenever we go go see one of my adult children we ask if we can bring grandpa. My dad always says yes, and then at the last minute he calls me to tell me that he can't make it because he has some church event. It always ended up being me to call my son and tell him my dad wouldn't be making it. Then, I started telling my dad he would have to make that phone call himself and cancel on his own. He would wait until the day of and then send them an email saying he couldn't make it because he had a church meeting, or some other something with church that is a weekly deal for him. I emailed my dad shortly after that and told him that I was no longer going to be his keeper or his peacemaker, and if he wanted to have a relationship with my sons and their families, he would need to do it on his own and not through me. I was done making plans with my kids and inviting him along just so we would plan to have him there and have him be so disrespectful as to cancel at the last minute. (Last minute cancellations do happen, but it was the principal of the thing and the hurt feelings that he would chose to go to a meeting that happened every week rather than go to his 2-year-old great granddaughter's birthday party, and he knew well in advance that he had this meeting as it was a weekly thing.)

So, for the last year I didn't invite him to a single thing...birthday parties of 2 of his grandchildren, Easter, Thanksgiving...and then this past Christmas my son asked if I would invite grandpa to his house for Christmas. I told him that the invitation would need to come from him. So, he took a page out of my dad's book and emailed him the invitation. My dad, of course, accepted, and then called me to see if I could stop by his house (he lives halfway between me and my son) and pick him up, but offered to drive. I was shocked that he didn't cancel, and I didn't take him up on driving (going 45 mph on the freeway doesn't sound like fun or safe to me).

While we were at my son's house, Thanksgiving that we spent at my son's house was mentioned, as was my grandson's first birthday which was at the beginning of December. My dad was shocked that I hadn't mentioned those events, and yet I attended them.

I'll never again be the go-between of my kids and my dad. The phone works both ways and if they want to reach each other, they have all the information they need to do that. My dad has lots of his own personally quirks, and had it not been for my mom and a promise I made to her, I would have disowned him a long time ago. It's amazing the relief I feel now that I don't feel it's my job to make peace or create a relationship between adults.

Oh my GOSH - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
Your mom saying, "Well excuse me, I guess I need you to tell me how to behave" is the EXACT thing I hear EVERY SINGLE DAY from my mom. Did they grow up together, or what? Every time she says this, or any other "well excuse ME" statement, I can feel my BP rise and my face turn cherry-red. One day my I fear that my head will simply explode.

You need to read this ... - No more walking on eggshells

[ In Reply To ..]
There is no need to explode! Understanding what that behavior is -- it is turning the blame on you -- and what prompts it will really help! It sure helped me deal with a lifetime of it from my mother and it made a huge difference in my life at work.

This isn't just isolated obnoxiousness. It is behavior many people engage in continuously, making everyone around them miserable.

Save yourself! I wholeheartedly recommend reading "It's All Your Fault!" by Bill Eddy, a LCSW and lawyer. The Kindle edition is only 8.49 on Amazon, and you don't need a Kindle. Just download the free Kindle reader software to your computer or phone.

You'll recognize EVEN MORE of Mom's delightful antics in that book, I'll bet. I couldn't put the book down. Every chapter was filled with "OMG! She does that, too!"

Mr. Eddy also gives you methods for dealing with it, and they DO work.

Gee whiz. I'm coming to you - for therapy

[ In Reply To ..]
Some very wise advice here. I wish I could think as clearly and objectively as you do. I'm not the OP, but my dealings with elderly people (mom is 93) leave me emotionally bankrupt and confused...

From someone who has lost their mother - Things might not always be good

[ In Reply To ..]
in your relationship but once they are gone you wish, only wish that you could talk with them just one more time. I always thought I could never say what I thought, changed about a year before mother's death when she asked how did I feel about things. I was looking around to see if I was the one she was talking to. We were on the best of terms when she died but so many, many years that was not the case. I am glad it was like that at the end, could have been different and then I would have to live with that and I would have had such guilt. The person talking about her mother being abrupt and saying whatever she thinks, that I think comes along with age. People get to where they just do not care what others think and they say what is on their minds. I welcome the years and if I say something not agreeable to others, can always say I'm old.

Turn on your fugheddaboudit machine... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
You need to back off and get some perspective.

Here's one way: Make yourself a nice cup of cocoa or tea, and while you're enjoying that think about people who are living in their cars or on the street this Christmas. Count your blessings, and you'll realize how small petty problems like this one really are.

Fuhgeddaboudit.

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