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How long is a reasonable time frame to get used to

Posted: May 8, 2017

I don't mean to seem unkind or anything, but would like your opinions. DH started a job 2 weeks ago. It's a boring you-know-what job, but I give him credit for sticking with it because he has quit so many jobs in the past due to boredom. This time financial wise he has no choice. So...I've been holding us together financially for the last 10 years. He has never had to work until recently. He got up, slept, did whatever he wanted to do whenever he wanted to do it. Now he's back working (day time). He comes home and konks out on the couch for the night. I'm sitting here starting to "fume" as I'm working through the night sometimes til 2 am. Then I get a few hours sleep, help him get ready for work, then start job searching for myself. I'm up before he gets up, after he goes to sleep and I've been doing everything until he can get used to the schedule. He also has stomach problems, so trying to help him get through that. I just want him to succeed, so I really don't mind making coffee and putting his lunch together. We've already had the "discussion" that I can't do everything and he agrees. He is trying, but he's so tired all the time. He's late 50s (me too). So my question is with what I've just said, how long do you think it should take before he gets acclimated to his new schedule.

Just curious.

;

A man in his late 50s - eh

[ In Reply To ..]
You sound like a woman I know, she sleeps a couple hours a night and hustles the rest of her waking hours to cover the bills for her husband who cannot hold a job. She complains but it's been 30 years. He's a lazy man and will not change. If he has not worked enough to get social security, you need to realize what it will be like living on your check alone while carrying the weight of this man whom you will probably never leave. Guilt alone would motivate another person in a sound state of mind, from not sharing the weight. Or, him copying your dedication to generating income to provide a safe home and financially secure life. Good luck.

Nope, wrong person. Your reply was not helpful - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I get more than a couple hours. Some nights 4 or 5 hours, some nights 6 or 7.

The places he worked they really liked his work, but he was so bored he would look for other things.

Since you don't know him personally your assumption that he is a lazy man is just that. He by far is not lazy at all. So he has not worked in 10 years. He didn't need to. Now he does. That does not make him lazy.

No, of course I'm not going to leave him. I love him and we have a great life together. We've been together for a little under 20 years. He keeps getting better as we age together. So we are hitting a rough patch, what couple doesn't. If you think someone should leave someone they love because he may be having a rough time, going through depression or whatever, then you are the one who is not in a sound state of mind.

From what you wrote you clearly hate men. You are not someone I would ever take advice from. Yeah, good luck to you.

A few suggestions...SM - Old Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I can't reliably give you a timeline on how long this is going to take, but here are a few ideas. 1) Encouragement. Everyday, tell him how happy you are that he is sticking with this job even though it might be boring and that he knows how necessary it is to your survival as a family. 2) Socialization/reconnecting as a couple. When he gets home from work, take a break from your work and engage him in positive, pleasant conversation for 5-10 minutes. In other words, pay attention to him. 3) Exercise and connecting as a couple. If possible, suggest the 2 of you take a short walk before dinner. Maybe just around the block to start with. It sounds like he may be out of shape from doing nothing for 10 years, and the fresh air and company may energize him. 4) Develop a sense of responsibility. Also after the walk, it if happens, ask him to do an essential chore. Make one up if you have to. 5) Develop a sense of contributing. When bill paying time comes around, ask him to sit with you so he can actually see how his paycheck is helping. You may want to do each of these things separately, then add another one as you see progress. I think it's going to take a while to see this pattern change. Good luck. Post back if you try this to let us know how it goes.

Couple things - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Late 50s. I'm wondering if he's overweight and out of shape. Does he snore? Could be sleep apnea causing the exhaustion.

After not working for so long could there be some underlying depression? That will cause fatigue as well.

My point is there could be some physical issues causing the fatigue.

Yes, a physical might be...SM - Old Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
a good idea if you have insurance to cover it, and he agrees to it; but all my ideas above might be helpful for him to get back in shape and feel better about his ability to contribute to the family and reconnect as a couple. Regular exercise, a better diet, and positive social interactions will help him have a better overall outlook; so try to get him to a doctor and do what I've suggested above also.

Thanks Old Anon and sm - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
Your suggestions and the ones from sm (not the sm I replied to) were very helpful and encouraging.

He is a very smart man (got his degree in psychology, had a fantastic career when we were first together. As time went on, we moved around a bit always looking for greener pastures. Some worked out, some didn't. We've learned by the mistakes we've made and try not to repeat them.

You both are right. He is overweight, he does snore, poor diet and he really has no friends here that he can discuss any of his interests with. He just told me that he's not depressed, but just a little down in the dumps. I keep encouraging him to do the things he loves to do and we are working on a plan so he can transition over, once it is up and running and making a profit for a certain length of time. He is the one telling me he is going to stick with the job no matter how boring or bad it is until something better comes along. I'm proud that he is sticking with it and I do encourage him as much as I can. I ask if he needs me to help him. I make his b-fast, lunches, dinners. I clean the house and take care of our pets for feeding time. I do pretty much everything (minus little things here and there). I don't do it because I have to (well yes, I have to), but more because I love him and want him to get through this period he is going through and succeed. I just was not sure if people have come across the same thing.

Thank you both for your replies. They were very helpful.

I'm glad you seem to be more...SM - Old Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
hopeful about how things are going. Since your husband has a degree in psychology, I'm sure he knows that "down in the dumps" means he has mild depression, and I hope you can get him to see your doctor to get his possible sleep apnea diagnosed and treated and also maybe a mild antidepressant for the short term. I'm sure he also knows what co-dependency is. Please don't take this wrong, but since he's not had to work or do much of anything for the last 10 years and has relied on you for everything, maybe he has gotten very used to that. I know you are taking care of everything for him "out of love", but I think maybe you need to back off a little on doing everything for him and help him develop some self-reliance so he can build up his self-esteem. That might help him get out of the dumps even faster. You need to give him the space to develop his independence and the need to be taken care of. I don't mean completely stopping doing things for him, but just allowing him to feel good about taking care of himself. If you are brave enough, I would also allow him to read your post and all the replies that have been written here. Communicating all that's been said here may just be a breath of fresh air for both of you.

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