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Honey we need time apart

Posted: Jul 30, 2010

Today I caught my man "doing things" to a porn site. This was the first time and I thought he didn't do this, kind of because he told me he didn't at the beginning of our relationship. I WORK AT HOME.... I LIVE AT HOME... I barely go anywhere! So this whole thing became a discussion about privacy and lack of it on his part. He said I need to go places and that relationships are healthier if we spend time apart. He thinks I need to find something to do, but see gas costs money and going places other than *GULP* my parents costs MONEY! I never had a relationship where going to work wasn't enough to get away from someone. Do people really live on the saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder?"

So my plan for the next couple of weeks, even though I have no cash, is to go to all my family members and hang out and try to find a part time job outside the home. Anyone think this one will work? Has anyone had this happen before to them? What do I do??? I guess this sounds all silly and I should know the answer, but I really value the opinion of the people who post on here! YES, even the negative ones, although not as productive as the positive ones I must say! SO ADVICE PLEASE! On my knees here MTs!

;

Too many fish in the sea. - Ginger

[ In Reply To ..]
There are probably many guys out there you would be more compatible with and wouldn't have issues with "privacy."

All men look at porn, though. At least that's been my experience.

This is all just my opinion.

I think you should get off your knees and stand up to your man! sm - justsayin

[ In Reply To ..]
Something does not sound right here. Sounds like he has an ulterior motive and that "he" is the one having privacy issues because he needs more solo time without you knowing what he is doing. He's is playing it on you and making you feel the guilt and need to find something to do.

Sure, go enjoy visiting family. Even seek out a part-time job but make sure you use gas money that he contributes to do so since it's his idea and you don't want to spend money.

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder" is BS, that's only when your a teenager happily in love!!

Don't accept 100% blame just because he wants you to - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
There are a lot of guys who don't look at porn sites and are "doing thing" while their mate is in the home. Not all guys are that way; maybe a lot are, but certainly not all. So my first comment is to tell yourself you are not 100% to blame here.

Yes, guys do like to have some me time, just as women do. No biggie there. But I agree with the other poster who says he wants more solo time to do things he doesn't want you to know about.

I also agree that getting a second job out of the home is taking things too far. Is he home all the time as well? Doesn't he go off to work and get some solo time out of the house? If not, exactly how does what he brings to the table satisfy you.

I've been working from home for 13 years. Most of that time I have been single, but I was in a relationship for 4 of those years. He never complained to me about giving him solo time, because he made sure he had plenty of it...golfing, friends, long work hours. That left me home a lot, so I found things to do as well. I would swim a lot during the summer, workout at the gym, hike, go to the mall and window shop and people watch. Grocery shopping and cooking took a lot of time just for fun. No family around for me to visit.

It is healthy for you to get out of the house, but not for the reasons this guy is telling you. Do it to keep emotionally healthy and mentally sharp, but not to free him up for private play time that specifically excludes you in an activity that was designed for two people.

HEAD IN THE SAND - been there done that

[ In Reply To ..]
What's wrong with YOU!?? This is a RED FLAG! When your man tells YOU that you need to spend more time away, that he's got no privacy, SOMETHING IS UP!

You work at home, live at home, tell him to DEAL WITH IT and if he needs those changes, have at it and leave you out of it!

MY SOURCE: This is EXACTLY what my ex was doing to me when he was getting "friendly" with an ex from HS. He started watching porn, shaving things he had never shaved before, wearing his hair different and telling me I needed to get a life outside of the house (same as you, i work at home). Because he was my second marriage I already knew the signs and symptoms of infidelity and ripped him a new one and within 15 minutes of a heated argument he confessed all and I toss him out lock, stock and two smoking barrels! He was not expecting that and it's been 6 months now and not a week goes by that he isn't on my doorstep crying and begging me to take him back.

One mistake is enough for me. Sweetie, please watch out for yourself and take it from an old, hard hearted biddy. Your man has issues that he is dealing with and wants to make you think that it's YOU. You need to buck up and take that bull by the b*lls. TAKE CARE OF YOU!

That depends... - Hmmm

[ In Reply To ..]
Did you find him doing this in a "common area" of the house (kitchen, living room, laundry room), or was he in the bathroom or bedroom with the door shut? If it was the latter, did you knock before you entered or just walk in without warning? Everyone needs privacy.

If he was in a common area, he might need to consider changing venues for a more private location.

I don't know that I would carry the attempt to give him some "time apart" as far as getting a part-time job, but I might consider joining a local book club or taking a free class of some sort (something fun for me). The family visits could be fun.

swampland in Florida - deenibeeni

[ In Reply To ..]
Sounds like he's got some for sale, & sounds like he's got a customer.

something strange in Denmark - deenibeeni

[ In Reply To ..]
Lemme get this straight. When you first got together (i.e., he wasn't getting it regularly) he was NOT j-ing off to porn...and now that he's IN a relationship with you he feels the need to spank the monkey??

Either he's lying, or he's not happy with your physical relationship, or he'd rather visit Rosie Redpalm than you. All of these are bigger problems than I personally would want to be bothered addressing.

Same here - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
It was the "doing things" that got me, too. my ex was so into porn that I could vomit just thinking about it. It's one thing for a teenager with raging hormones to think of nothing but sex, but he was WAY too old for that, or at least I thought. Oh well, let the new "Mrs." deal with him. I washed my hands a LONG time ago!

Definitely sounds a bit strange, you catch him - sm - DHDP

[ In Reply To ..]
looking at porn and fondling himself, whatever, and it is your \"fault\" because you are at home too much? Makes no sense. You don\'t say if you are married, or if SO and you live together. Presuming you live together then you have plenty of time apart when he is at work (presuming he works). My DH looks at porn sites at times, nothing pay as he knows I\'d kill him (he did that once accidently, luckily he jumped right off but we still got a $5 charge on our phone bill--we have dialup). He also has a library of tapes which he will use when alone and feeling frisky, probably once a week as he does not get much alone time, though he gets a lot more than I do generally (except when kids are in school). I could care less that he looks at the stuff, he has quite an active libido (despite being 51)and we have a good and active sex life anywhere from 1-3 x a week so he is not substituting porn for sex. But telling you to get out so he can be alone is just plain weird. He wants to be alone then kick him out, then he can play with himself all he wants, anytime without worrying you will \"catch\" him. This is not your problem. Now if he just wants you to have some outside interests rather than working all the time, then that is a different story but it sure does not sound that way.

Distance does not make the heart grow fonder - Typin' Fool

[ In Reply To ..]
But it will alow your husband to get away with watching more porn, which is going to further degrade your relationship with him.

How long have you known him/been together? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Are you married? Sounds a bit off to me. How long have you known him, been together? I agree everyone needs interests of their own, but am wondering if his might just be porn. A little interest is probably normal, but it can be a real addiction like any other type, and I would want to know, because it probably isn't going away and will probably lie about it and try to hide it if feels threatened. Good luck, but I wouldn't take kindly to my SO doing that and then telling me we needed time apart. Another idea is do you have open communication about such things? Now if he said could we spice things up a bit in our life and asked you to participate with some new ideas, maybe... but not saying need more time alone, am thinking possibly addiction here.

been there, here's what I did, although it may not be - much help - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband also enjoys doing the same things to the same sites your partner likes. He used to do it in the open, basically, until I put my foot down. I finally got him to close the door, although he still doesn't do it all the time, but it's better than nothing.

I feel like I am being reasonable by saying this makes me uncomfortable in my own home, so he needs to make modifications. I never told him to stop (he grew up in a house with a dad who had p*rn all over, so it's a wonder he's not worse than he already is). But HE gets embarrassed and upset and says I am making him feel bad.

That's what I figure your partner is saying, he wants you to leave because he's mad at you. Don't let him push you around this way. He can't force you out of the home just so he can "do things" and you need to tell him that.

I had a nasty ex - WAHM$

[ In Reply To ..]
I pleaded with my ex-husband for years to see me instead of all that piggie stuff. I agree with the other poster that he must enjoy Rosie Palmer more than you. It is a hard fact to accept. As a matter of fact to me, it was humiliating. Porn is an addiction, just like any other. He needs help and should stop making you feel bad. I am on the other side now, with a man who is normal. Well, that is just my opinion anyway. I am sure, not meaning to, I have offended somebody.

Get off your knees - Teena

[ In Reply To ..]
Good grief woman! Grow a pair! If he needs "privacy", tell him to SHUT THE DOOR! It sounds like it might also be a preference for you to stay around the house. I'm a homebody and NO ONE better suggest to me that I do something that I simply DO NOT WANT TO DO. I do things in my own time, on my own terms, when I want to.

There's something deeper going on here. You'd better put on your big girl panties and tell him he'd better fess up as to what the heck is really going on here, or if wants to keep "doing things" to the computer you're gonna consider re-evaluating the entire relationship.

You really going to consider going to see your family, because HE TOLD YOU TOO? to get out of HIS way??? You're not his servant!

After thinking on this.... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
My first inclination was to 'boo-hiss' the evil man for making you leave the house. But the more I thought about this, the more I realized that I had to put myself in his shoes. We sometimes forget because we're always at home alone while the rest of the family is out. But if you can remember back to before the kids went to school (or if you're really young, when your parents went out to dinner)...even if you weren't doing, wasn't it nice sometimes having the house to yourself?

Maybe he just wants to spend some quality time with Rosie. So? At the risk of TMI, sometimes I like to enjoy myself, too, just because and it's nice if I don't have to worry about anybody walking in, knocking on the bathroom door or whatever.

Sure, your SO may get to go off and have time away from you while he's at work, but that's different from getting 'alone' time at home, and it doesn't necessarily mean anything is going on. Sometimes the hoof beats are just horses.

I agree with what you are saying, probably 90% - sm - DHDP

[ In Reply To ..]
guys JO, and so do a lot of women. The answer as to why we all do it, it is enjoyable....it feels good, and sometimes that is all a guy wants, something quick and easy, and not having to deal with their woman, making her feel good, doing foreplay (what is that?-LOL) if they try that anyway, making sure she is satisfied (thereby making them feel validated and good about themselves)-- just easier for a man to look at some pictures, fantisize some and get off that way. I know my DH does that at least once a week, fine by me there are times I just don't feel like having sex so if that makes him happy great. I have rarely refused him so just stressing he does not substitute his hand for sex, it is just an additional tool so to speak, and sometimes again just easier. My DH though does not get on the internet to do it, he will peruse some stuff now and then (a couple times a month) but not to get off on it, sometimes call me over to show me something (usually something I don't want to see), but I see it as harmless in my case as I know he does not have an addiction or anything of that nature. If he did it every day or several times a week and we never had sex then that would be a different matter, but once a week or so who cares. I can understand wanting time alone at home too now and then, and I know my DH enjoys it when he gets time here by himself but more often than not he is calling me a zillion times asking me when we will be back as he wants us home, he can really crack me up that way.

I had the same thing happen to me - RAH

[ In Reply To ..]
Not the same \"walk in on\" thing, but I work from home part-time (I\'m male) and a few years ago, my gf told me to get out of the house more, to be gone like a normal person. "she was getting sick of seeing my face" (ouch) Knowing that I could do very little to fix how she felt, I decided to take up golf. I have played nearly every day for 2 years. She left me last week. So my input is, do what you think is the right thing to do with the idea that it will either go good or bad. That way, no matter what, you know you did the right thing! oh, and always stay busy. busy, busy, busy (it keeps you from thinking about it to much)oh btw, I'm getting very good at golf!

Hey RAH ... your opinion on the porn part - Rosie is every guy's friend?

[ In Reply To ..]
People like Dr. Phil seems to act like men looking at porn is a bad and abnormal thing, but it seems the reality of it is that most do (thus, being normal). My bf included.

Just wondering what your opinion on that is (as a guy).

To the OP, it seems like he was probably embarrassed and sick of having to always worry about being caught doing such things since you are always at home. I can see where that would get sickening. Of course, it is possible there may be more to the story as well. Time will tell. Maybe you can have a conversation about it after the newness of the incdident wears off a bit.

uh.... - RAH

[ In Reply To ..]
well, never been asked about porn, really. Had to think it over before inputting my thoughts. I can't think of a single good thing about it, really. Although, I find myself occasionally taking a glimpse at it. I think about porn like I think about guns; I didn't invent them and they are abundant. If used with restraint and caution, they can be safe and helpful. If taken advantage of, they can be dangerous. So it boils down to the intentions of the user. So lets all have some faith in our neighbors and hope they exhibit the self discipline that we all aspire to possess. (wordy and confusing, I know)

Reply to 'Rosie is every...' - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Honey, you said "but it seems the reality of it is that most do (thus, being normal). Just cause "everyone's doing it" does NOT make anything normal! Porn is evil, destructive, and disgusting! Think of it this way, every woman in a movie, magazine, or website is someone's little girl...someone's grandchild, sister...it's disgusting and outrageous to think that just because so many do it, that makes it normal! It most certainly does not! Wow, scary to think people actually believe things like you said...ugh!

Evil Doers - Rosie is every guy's friend?

[ In Reply To ..]
There are lots of women having sex, for all kinds of reasons, with men they are not married to. They are also someone's daughter, sister ... I agree that often women get into such things and regret it later (or it was not good for them and they don't even realize it), but your 'reaction' is extreme.

How do you feel about self-pleasuring without visual material? Women tend to use imagination, men seem to need the blunt in-their-face graphics.

How does one gauge "normal"? If 'everyone' is doing something, there must be SOME logical reason. Ever think that puritan attitudes might be what caused this type of fixation in our society to begin with? How do the men in tribes where women run around topless react to such things (like looking at an arm or leg perhaps?)?

There is horrible exploitation that goes on against wills and with children, etc. That is horribly wrong, but is that the criteria to say that all is wrong? How about people who are gluttons? Does that make all eating wrong. Same with alcohol, etc. Anything can become out of control and unhealthy, but one can't really use that to determine it is wrong in any fashion, can they?

My theory on this is that if everyone is doing it... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
that makes it "normal" by definition. Normal is not necessarily right (although I don't think that porn is evil), but it is what most people do; that is what it means.

thanks EVERYONE! - scratching head here

[ In Reply To ..]
Believe me Im not some evil PORN hater! It's just (at the risk of sounding like a tramp) Im open always to him. I mean if ever he needed that "relief" Im always there and never ever turned him down. So it puzzels me to why he would need to do it. Im not a guy so I don't understand. So why he would rather do that instead of using me I don't know. Plus it's like a slap in my face because I made myself so open to him and sent him pictures and so forth... but those girls would rather turn him on. The more I think about it... it's really the porn thing that gets me than the time appart... mostly because during the time appart I can picture myself thinking of him doing that the whole time! URGH! Stupid heart! Why does it always have to love when my head is saying get the heck out of here!?!

my theory on why they do it - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm one of the people above whose husband was doing the same thing your partner is. My husband once told me that it was partly a control thing, a situation where he wanted to only think about himself and not worry who else was involved. It was variety without resorting to sleeping with other people. He also said it was a habit that he picked up as a teen and he enjoyed it and didn't want to give it up.

You need to (calmly, if you can!) ask him why he goes off by himself when you're open to him. Find out what he says. But if he can't or won't talk about it, then that's probably a pretty big warning sign. Not a sign that he's cheating or something, but a sign that he can't maturely discuss issues that come up.

Again, I really don't think you should leave the house just because he got embarrassed about his porn habits. It's almost as though he's punishing you, and that's not OK.

But the OPs first sentence is why he wants - some alone time at home

[ In Reply To ..]
Her very first sentence is that she caught him coming 'self-aware'. Maybe he just doesn't want to have to worry about a 'gotcha' moment. On a strictly logical level, if he's contributing to the household bills, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to ask for a little privacy now and then, and not just the kind that involves locking the bathroom door (which may embarrass him because if he goes in and locks the door, it's pretty obvious what's going on in there).

My momma always - said...sm

[ In Reply To ..]
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder...of someone else!" Just sayin'...don't be this guy's fool!

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