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Divorcing too, plan to accept offer
Posted: Aug 16, 2012
My husband of 32 years has announced he is moving on to other pastures and the next phase of his life without me. Said he has bucket list things he wants to do which includes another relationship, though he says he hasn't found anyone yet (I have serious doubts about that). Like everyone, we'd had our ups and downs through the years and I thought we'd worked through everything. I planned to spend the rest of my life with this man. I never really expected this. He made me an offer to let me stay in our house and that he would continue to pay the mortgage till paid off in lieu of alimony or anything else and put it in my name. The legal paperwork is being drawn up now stating that. My question to anyone who would be kind enough to give me an opinion is if you think I can trust this? Granted, he has always paid it and it would have already been paid off had he not insisted on refinanceing a couple of times. Our children are grown and I am feeling kind of lost. I have come to accept that this is happening (took me a while) and I am okay with it as long as I don't have to be homeless. Hubby says I've done nothing wrong, that it is him and that he doesn't want to hurt me. Can a divorce agreement like this be trusted?
;
yes and no - Maybe
[ In Reply To ..]If the judge signs off on it, then it can be trusted in as much as if ex doesn't pay, then you can haul him to court. That just means more lawyer expenses for you, though.
In my view, he's proving that he's a flake by running off after 32 years. What if he drops dead tomorrow while he's doing this bucket list? What kind of provisions are being made then? How long do you have before the house is paid off?
Personally (and this comes from being raised by the most independent person on the face of the planet) I would rather not depend on him to keep a roof over my head any more. I would rather sell the house and split the proceeds (if there are any) and then put those towards a house or a condo or a townhouse that I could afford on my own.
NO!! Never trust when it comes to divorce! I did - sm
[ In Reply To ..]and have regretted it since!
Im sorry you are going through this - Angie
[ In Reply To ..]but I would say that once he starts paying for his place, but your house...its going to add up and although he may want to "be nice" or whatever he calls it, I'm not sure he will be able to do it unless he has a really good job and anyone else he sees is not going to like him paying for the exes house..so in the long run, I don't see him keeping his end of the bargain, court order or not. Your house could be foreclosed on waiting for a court date, if it went that far.
I'm with the previous poster...sell it and buy something YOU can afford. NEVER depend on him to pay anything for you. Good luck and I will put you on my prayer list!
RED FLAG! - Don't do it!
[ In Reply To ..]Once the house is in your name and ex-husband has moved on, he will lose his incentive to abide by the court order. He will have other "expenses," i.e., new wife/stepkids (sorry to have to say this). Since you mentioned child support, you must have minor kids. Best advice I could give you, get the court-ordered child support first.
Sell it, split $$$ and move on... - me
[ In Reply To ..]Even tho you may not want to do the above, it is probably in your best interests. When I divorced, I kept the house via a "quit claim" and the responsibility became all mine as far as its mortgage payments and upkeep. As the other responses have said, once your ex finds his next "relationship" and all the expenses etc that go with it, you will be the first to be left without money. Get a good lawyer and protect yourself all the way around.
Dont do it. New girlfriend will quickly get him to stop paying - anything for you. Sell house, split money. nm
[ In Reply To ..]x
agree with all of the above..... - alias
[ In Reply To ..]very good advice from everyone here, and I agree that he will not keep his promises once someone else enters his life, if not already there, which I suspect. He may have "good intentions" and really may not be trying to "hurt you," which he has already done, but in reality, that just will not happen. If you have children, seek child support instead. He can always let the house go into foreclosure and you will lose a home, but he cannot get out of child support so easily. Take care of your own interests first, and the kids, and he can fend for himself, if that is what he desires. After my second divorce, I have stated that it is sooooo easy for a man to just change his life like he is putting on a different pair of pants, but it is not that easy for a woman. She has fewer options, due to the economy, jobs favoring male salaries as opposed to female salaries, children, etc. It is so much easier to walk away from something you have had for 30+ years when there is someone else waiting in the wings. The one left behind gets to clean up the mess....like taxes, etc. Good luck to you. I hope you make the right decision. Now....find your own "bucket list."
If you think you can afford to live there - sm
[ In Reply To ..]when he decides to go back on his promise. He already went back on his wedding vows. What is with these people. We get tired, we leave. Who cares about the lives we shatter. With that attitude, what is the purpose of getting married anyway?
Also, I would not want a man who was still paying for his ex's house. In fact, if I got to a new relationship, I would hope he had as little to do with ex as possible. This would be something for you to keep in mind. Get a lawyer.
GET A LAWYER ASAP! No, you cannot trust him. NM - anon
[ In Reply To ..]xx
your story - is my story, too
[ In Reply To ..]Everything you wrote could have been written by me, just change the 32 years to 31 years. Boom, out of nowhere, totally unexpected! It made me cry reading your post, because I know all that you will be going through, not just financial. The worst part is how it will affect your children, even though they are grown, and your future grandchildren. It's a nightmare for them to divide up their holidays and family visits and so on. It's been 15 years for me and I'm still wrestling with my emotions on a daily basis. Yes, I'm "over it" but when you spend that many years in a marriage, the ghost reminders are always with you. As far as the house, he offered me the same thing and my attorney said that was the worst suggestion ever. Don't do it!!! Hang in there and I hope for the best for you.
Divorcing too, plan to accept offer - Vera
[ In Reply To ..]I agree with one of the post. Do not accept that. In the best interest of all parties, house should be sold and split money after the mortgage has been paid off and start fresh. Since he is the one wanting the divorce, I also would have him pay your attorney fees, but get a lawyer. My daughter just went through something and tried to handle court stuff herself since she worked for a lawyer and has not worked out good. There is a reason they state Hire-A-Lawyer and them handle the paperwork. We just had some distant friends that went through divorce. House was valued at $400,000. He wanted to live there so he had to buy her a brand new home and did and paid $200,000 for it. Yep, he got remarried last weekend and now drives a Porsche and brought new wife into the old house with totally new furnishings. I would advised getting a lawyer if you have not done so. I would not trust him to pay the house payment month after month. He will get tired of that and he also needs a place to live, so guess who he will think of first, definitely not you. Please listen to all of the advice so far that MTs have given you. Hope you have not really signed any papers as of yet. Wishing you the best.
You're in a very vulnerable state and he knows it. - Don't sign anything. sm
[ In Reply To ..]And don't trust him. My attorney instructed me not to try to work out anything between the two of us. Please get an attorney and protect yourself. He wants to call all the shots and be in control. Don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of, please!
PLEASE, GET AN ATTORNEY (SM) - Bindi
[ In Reply To ..]I'm really sorry you're going through this. I've been there but only after 11 years. Please, listen to all the posters when they say to get an attorney. If he suggests you use the same attorney, the answer is NO! If he suggests a mediator take care of it, the answer is NO!
I agree with the other posters that you should sell the house and split it 50/50. Talk to your attorney about alimony. He or she will make sure you get everything coming to you, i.e., any pension monies, etc.
Also, I posted this a few months back: Please know that when the time comes to collect social security for him and for you, you are entitled to a portion of his social security. The qualifying factors for this are 10 years of marriage and not remarried. It won't affect the sum he would get; he will get the same sum regardless. (Ha! As women, we are always so worried about how things we do affect others).
So, please put this in the hands of an attorney so you can be protected, have less stress, and get on with your life.
You asked-sm - Been there
[ In Reply To ..]So please take the advice you have been given. At least talk to an attorney. Many will give a free consultation, so talk to a couple and compare what they tell you.
There are other things to consider after 32 years of marriage..alimony, pension, savings/retirement plans. It is about more than just a house. You are entilted to your half. For 32 years you and he accumulated everything I have mentioned together.
As someone else said who is going to pay your mortgage if something happens to him?
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but now is the time to make this about YOU. He has made it clear he is thinking about himself.
Let us know what you decide to do.
I think - I would want to know
[ In Reply To ..]what alimony would actually be based on his/your income, did you stay home with kids and provide child care instead of being in the work force outside the home, etc. Do you have an attorney? Used to be one of the best references was Martindale-Hubbell for peer review of attorneys. I would also want to know what tax consequences would be... alimony is considered tax deductible to the person paying and taxable income to person receiving it. I think that a mortgage payment could be considered as a tax deductible alimony payment for him, what are the tax consequences for you if so? Who gets the interest deduction on yearly taxes if he is paying the mortgage? I think you probably need some more advice on all of the consequences like others above have said. Sorry you're going through this, BTDT after 25 years. I know he may feel like he wants to take care of this kind of thing now since he's probably feeling bad about hurting you, but I would be very careful and get expert advice if you haven't already done so.
I am so sorry.... - just me
[ In Reply To ..]I am so sorry. I too am in a troubled marriage but am sticking it out. Get everything in writing.
I am sorry and wish you the best. Sincerely, me....
Don't do it! - Sue2
[ In Reply To ..]Please, please don't trust this! I went through a similar thing in the 80s. Please get an attorney! Chances are he already has another girlfriend and things will change once you accept his "offer." You are going to get stuck holding the bag and he will waltz off with his new girl. Just because he has always paid it doesn't mean anything! Once he is gone, all bets are off! Please get some legal advice. He will CHANGE once he is gone! Been there! Good luck & God Bless!
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